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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan. 5, 2013
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    225

    Default Would it be rude if I....

    Gave my sister in law pre-addressed envelopes with thank you notes for the baby shower I am throwing her?

    This is the same sister in law who really does not want my family doing anything for her because her family is already throwing her shower for 80 if her nearest & dearest friends and she "really does not want to be a bitch, but (she) is not asking any other her other friends to go to two showers."

    This is also the same girl who did not ever pick up the phone and ask my Mom for a list of our family and her friends who might want to come to the wedding where she married my brother. Their family invited 250 and my Mom was allowed to invite 20... but was expected to throw a rehearsal dinner for 100.

    Manage my expectations here... I'm 43 and no kids. Never thrown a baby shower. My Mom says that (she is 69), there should be no reason that people could not attend multiple showers, especially as I was trying to work with her on themes so that people did not feel like they needed to go broke. We were happy not to do a full registry access shower, but thought about a diaper or book shower. Another idea was that we would restrict to a time of day, bath time, dinner time, nap time, etc.

    Sister in law said that other than her Mom & Sister, she only had two others to invite, but how about if my Aunt, Mom and I take her away for a weekend getaway in Napa... ummm, because the offer was for a shower and it's rude to ask for a weekend away?

    My brother becomes unhinged, at his wife, not me, so now I am having a couples shower for my brother, its a baby-q... and I feel like giving her thank you notes because I am a b#$^h and just really frustrated, especially for my Mom who has been in tears over feeling like she is not welcome to do anything for her grandchild.

    My husband wants us to move to the woods. I might be packing later if I don't get back to you...

    I knew I should have just stayed out of the shower thing, but it was really important to my Mom and my brother, so, here I am feeling resentful and trying to figure out how to be gracious.

    Ideas on keeping the peace? Also, any ideas for a co-ed baby BBQ? I have a corn hole game and I think I may go get a ton of pacifiers and make the throwing "bags" out of those or diapers duct taped together instead of the bean bags.

    Thanks for reading.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    May. 6, 2003
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    1,888

    Default

    At many of the showers I've been to recently, when people get there they are directed to a table where they write their own addresses on an envelope. Makes it super easy for the guest of honor, so i don't think it would be out of line at all.

    The evil cow in me would suggest that you make your BROTHER the guest of honor and let him invite whoever he wants. That way her friends don't have to schlep to a second shower.

    For a co-ed shower, I'd skip the games entirely and just chit chat (although cornhole with pacifiers would be pretty funny).
    According to the Mayan calendar, the world will not end this week. Please plan your life accordingly.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan. 5, 2013
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    225

    Default

    Funny loshad... that is pretty much what is going on! He called with two more invites HE has today. LOL!


    3 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Aug. 12, 2010
    Location
    Westford, Massachusetts
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    3,902

    Default

    I think it would be cool to have a Daddy focused baby shower, especially since the mother is having a big one of her own. You could suggest that your brother's friends bring "manly" baby gifts. A diaper bag a guy wouldn't be embarrassed to carry, some not super frou frou clothes for baby, backpack for going hiking with baby, baby clothes with brother's favorite sports team logo, tiny kid sports games/equipment, etc...stuff like that, depending on your brother's interests.


    20 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep. 8, 2006
    Location
    Fredericksburg, VA
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    Default

    On the one hand, I think the thank-you notes is a really thoughtful gift. I'm just not sure you should give them to her as a passive-aggressive gesture.

    And FINALLY, I'd read this before but wanted to double-check and sure enough, Emily Post says that if the gift is opened in front of the giver and the giver thanked in person, no note is necessary. BUT, she also says that older people might expect a note regardless. For what it's worth.

    http://www.emilypost.com/everyday-ma...k-you-note-qaa

    And I can't help asking if your brother knows how much his wife is hurting your mother with all this nonsense? Sounds like he needs to step up and run interference. Your mom was ALLOWED to invite 20 people to her son's wedding? WTF?

    Good luck, SIL sounds like a real prize! Maybe you and King's Ransom should get together.

    Edited to correct my misunderstanding with regard to brother already having married Ms. Right (wrong!).
    Last edited by Windsor1; Jan. 13, 2014 at 06:58 PM.
    Everyone is entitled to my opinion.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jul. 31, 2007
    Posts
    15,405

    Default

    Let me get this straight: You are figuring out how to minimize the chance that your Almost-SIL will rudely not thank people for gifts given at a shower she doesn't want but that you insistently throw for her in order to make your brother and mom happy?

    A) You are a masochist.

    B) She is a pawn in your game.

    I love the idea of throwing a baby shower for your brother/daddy-to-be. That's a fabulous solution.
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat


    8 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Feb. 14, 2010
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    2,996

    Default

    Personally, I'd just forget the whole thing. I don't think this ungrateful bitch needs any more gifts. If you and/or your mother want to give your brother a gift, do so.
    Proud Member of the "I Don't Do Facebook" Clique


    8 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Feb. 4, 2004
    Posts
    2,641

    Default

    I know some people (a lot of my friends!) disagree but IMO there is no need for multiple baby showers for a single person/pregnancy, and definitely not with overlapping guest lists. If she didn't invite you to her larger shower, I really think you are under no obligation.

    Otherwise, I like the co-ed idea (IMO those are the most fun), and those tend not to require as many games/activities. If you do games, the one where guests bring baby pics of themselves and guess who was who is always fun.

    Good luck. You are a good sport.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Feb. 21, 2009
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    Rootown!
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    2,108

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    She asked for a weekend getaway?!?! She would be getting nothing from me...
    No hour of life is wasted that is spent in the saddle. ~Winston Churchill
    For Hope, For Strength, For Life-Delta Gamma
    www.etsy.com/shop/joiedevivrecrafts Custom Wreaths and Other Decorations


    6 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Nov. 23, 1999
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    South Coast Plaza
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by mvp View Post
    Let me get this straight: You are figuring out how to minimize the chance that your Almost-SIL will rudely not thank people for gifts given at a shower she doesn't want but that you insistently throw for her in order to make your brother and mom happy?

    A) You are a masochist.

    B) She is a pawn in your game.
    Yep.
    EDDIE WOULD GO


    1 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Oct. 3, 2007
    Location
    PA
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    I'm another who has addressed my own "thank you" envelope at showers lately. I think it makes it easier on everyone and is almost expected at this point.

    I would not want to be invited to more than one baby shower so I think your mom is off base on that one. Is your family not included in the shower being thrown by her family?

    If not included then a small co-ed party with no games sounds fun. Make it more like a party and less like a shower and it would be even better. I, for one, detest shower games. They always seem so forced. I don't know anyone who doesn't respond with a groan at the thought of being forced to play.

    The weekend getaway request is odd. But if she really doesn't need another shower/more baby gifts maybe it was her way of offering an olive branch. A chance to get to know each other better - to bond? Maybe? Paying for an extra hotel room for a night isn't going to be as expensive or as much trouble as hosting a baby shower. I'm assuming it is a quick trip to the destination and it would be a Saturday morning to Sunday late afternoon type thing.

    Good luck.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Mar. 4, 2010
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    1,801

    Default

    Call me old school, and I am about certain things. If the mom to be is so exhausted that she can't address 20 envelopes, well.....she is going to be one shocked cookie once that baby comes. Why not just have the guests write their own thank you notes to themselves?

    My peak experience was addressing the envelopes at a baby shower and STILL not getting a thank you note.

    I vote for having the shower for your brother. He sounds like a lot more fun. Hell, anybody sounds like more fun than the mom to be. Yikes!


    3 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Nov. 1, 2001
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    9,471

    Default

    Do you have reason to think she won't send thank you notes? Other than her sounding like a PITA, I mean.

    You guys clearly have some residual resentment over the wedding issues. You don't have to do anything for her. Just say what are willing to do and what you aren't. Honestly, it sounds as though she may be handling the situation poorly but her intent may not be evil. It's often awkward to be invited to multiple showers if you are managing $$$$

    Going forward, if you want to see the baby/child, I recommend finding a way to communicate more easily with her because she will control the primary access to the kid.
    See those flying monkeys? They work for me.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Feb. 18, 2005
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    935

    Default

    I have addressed many envelopes to myself at showers within the last few years.

    I might add - I abhor the trend of multiple baby-parties. Pregnancy reveal, gender reveal, family + friends shower, coworker shower. All for one baby!


    4 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jan. 5, 2013
    Posts
    225

    Default

    Yeah well....

    I offered the shower at the beginning of December, before I even knew about the other shower. She had the option of turning it down... but I think got pressured from my bro. Then when she really had no one to invite, I said that was ok and she could pass because it seemed like too much, but then my brother insisted again and so did my Mom. Mom & I are supposedly invited to her big family shower.... again, I had no idea that was in the works when I made my shower offer. She did not say anything, just eventually texted that it would be ok if we moved forward.

    I hear what you are saying on the masochism. I plan on avoiding all this for another 10 years. I agree with you!

    On the brother front, he is really excited since this is turning into his shower. I talked to him a little while ago. I had their BabyQ invites done at a print shop we all use and he saw them. I guess he was gushing to the guys today about how happy he is. Bottom line, if it make my bro happy and I get to do something for him, and my Mom, this is all worth it and I can toss the passive aggressive BS.

    Thanks for all the suggestions and the Emily Post link. I am going to forward that to my Mom. Good to know on the multiple baby shower front too. I appreciate the insight.


    9 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Oct. 14, 2012
    Posts
    112

    Default

    Why are you throwing her a second shower? That's honestly a little odd to me. She sounds 'charming' but if your family isn't invited to the one that was originally planned its a pretty clear signal she wants nothing to do with your side of your family, for whatever reason. Its almost a little rude/obtrusive even if your intentions are good.

    Plus one baby shower is torture enough for guests. I would be a little annoyed to be asked to attend more than one.

    Throw your brother a party with his friends and call it a day.


    -Edited after seeing your last post. Her other shower was probably a surprise, and this may actually be your brothers fault. He should have just hooked you up with the hosts of the 'main' shower so you could have combined your efforts.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Feb. 20, 2010
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    All 'round Canadia
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    5,420

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sfbayequine View Post
    just really frustrated, especially for my Mom who has been in tears over feeling like she is not welcome to do anything for her grandchild.
    Oh good lord, there's no baby yet to do anything for. Mom really needs to take a chill pill, and quit force-inserting herself into things.

    If bro is all excited about the babyQ, hey, run with that (and by all means give the thank-you cards to your bro, if they must be given at all; this is turning out to be more him-centric). But for the love of all that is good, your mom needs to get over whatever chip she has on her shoulder before SIL actually does move to cut her out of things.
    Proud Member Of The Lady Mafia


    3 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2006
    Location
    Maine
    Posts
    1,955

    Default

    Why not go get pedicures together the week before she's due? Or offer to host a meet and greet the baby once he/she is a month old?


    3 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Apr. 13, 2007
    Posts
    352

    Default

    Thank you notes that you pre-address; I've now heard it all. She sounds like a really 'catch' but, I would not be throwing her a shower. I didn't think actually that relatives were supposed to throw showers. My daughter is pregnant and has decided she hates the idea of a shower and doesn't want an activity centered around gifts.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Sep. 22, 2010
    Location
    NY
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    1,183

    Default

    Look, I sometimes struggle with misinterpreting my SIL's actions as cutting when they seriously aren't meant to be. And I am sure she feels the same at times. We are both a bit threatened by one another for a host of silly reasons. Ultimately, we are both good people and mean well, and will hopefully have a closer relationship ones day.

    That said, I really don't think your SIL is trying to be a jerk, I think she felt pressure to accept your family offering a shower, much like I felt pressured to accept both families offering a wedding shower for myself. I hated it. It made me feel narcissistic, greedy, and it stressed me out with everything else I was juggling; wedding planning independently, keeping just off the track OTTB in work, keeping my Momzilla contained, a full time job where I was currently working 60 hours a week.. a second shower was honestly, the last thing I wanted. But I said yes because I did not want to seem ungracious. Even though both families were invited to both showers, I did not invite friends to both showers.

    I don't have any kids, so I don't know what planning for a child is like. But with the wedding planning, I was miserable for a year until it was over with, juggling the family politics, and never knowing if I was doing something in poor taste to offend someone at any given time. So glad it's over.

    Give your SIL the benefit of the doubt. She's pregnant, probably stressed, and most likely this isn't personal. Maybe she suggested a weekend getaway as a way to relax with the women in your family that mean the most to her.


    7 members found this post helpful.

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