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  1. #1
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    Oct. 30, 2008
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    Default Interracial dating?

    I recently met someone and we hit it off. Things are progressing slowly, but steadily. He's expressed concern on two occasions about how he would be accepted by my family. I don't want to undermine his concerns, but I'm not sure how to address them...at this point.

    I'm not super close to my parents (divorced btw) and they are usually the last to know that I'm even seeing someone. So it seems a bit awkward to pick up the phone and say, "Hey mom/dad, I met this guy and we're not even exclusive yet, but he's not white and I just want to make sure you're ok with that." I do love my folks but dad is on wife #4 and mom has been married and divorced twice--clearly not the best at picking long-term partners.

    Any advice would be appreciated. I'm in the take-it-one-day-at-a-time camp, but new guy is a bit more let's-square-things-now-so-there-aren't-problems-long-term.
    Flip a coin. It's not what side lands that matters, but what side you were hoping for when the coin was still in the air.

    You call it boxed wine. I call it carboardeaux.



  2. #2
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    Jul. 24, 2008
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    Default

    It's not an issue. I wouldn't address it until/unless it becomes an issue.
    Jigga:
    Why must you chastise my brilliant idea with facts and logic? **picks up toys (and wine) and goes home**


    14 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
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    Jan. 25, 2005
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    upstate New York
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    Default

    It's only an issue for you if the opinions of closed minded..dare I say bigots?...matter to you.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
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    Mar. 4, 2010
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    I think you need to reassure him that your family's opinions aren't going to change your feelings towards him. I assume you are an adult? If so, you are free to associate with anyone you choose. Act on that freedom...

    ETA: I did date guys of a different race in the 70s and that was dangerous, actually. These days? Not a problem.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
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    Aug. 18, 2012
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    Default

    Do you normally ask your parents their clearance before you date someone? If not, why would you now just because the person is of a different race? They'll accept him, or they won't, just like any other guy you'd date. The bigger issue is how YOU might deal with it if they don't accept him.

    If your family ends up not being able to accept him, are you going to be okay with that? Will you be cutting off visits if they don't include him and treat him nicely? Would you visit alone and pretend he doesn't exist?


    12 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
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    Aug. 12, 2010
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    Westford, Massachusetts
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    Default

    Agree with saultgirl...if you aren't serious enough with him yet that a parent introduction is imminent, you don't need to address it yet. I kind of understand his concern, he might be reluctant to get serious if there's a chance your family will put the kibosh on things further down the road. It should be good enough for now that YOU reassure him that you won't let your family's opinion sway how you feel about him and that IF it ever becomes an issue, you'll support him and back him up.

    Do you have any reason to be concerned, based on your parents' attitudes? I have not dated interracially, but years ago, my best friend at work was a black man and we had plans to do something together that entailed us stopping by my parents house. I knew my parents wouldn't have any real problems with it, they are not judgemental or racist, by any means. But my mother had lead a pretty sheltered, lily white, suburban, life and I though she might be unsure of what to say or do (as if it would be any different than for anyone else I brought by, but I know her well enough to know she'd feel awkward and worried about how she came across). I just called her and told her, right before we left, that T and I were coming by on the way to somewhere and, by the way, T is black. Just a heads up, so she could plan how to behave and not have it sprung on her, she's not good at thinking on her feet.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
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    Oct. 30, 2008
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    No, I don't normally ask for input from my parents. I'm mid-30s and I figure they've had their chance(s) top pick partners so now it's my turn to pick mine.

    I really don't think it's an issue. I think they'll be naturally curious about anyone I eventually bring home (note: in 18 years of dating, they've only met 2 and one of those was from college), but once they see I'm happy, all will be fine.

    My biggest concern was how to validate HIS concern, but reassure him that at this point, it's not an issue...without seeming like a patronizing beyotch.
    Flip a coin. It's not what side lands that matters, but what side you were hoping for when the coin was still in the air.

    You call it boxed wine. I call it carboardeaux.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
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    Jun. 23, 2011
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    hunterdon, nj
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    It sounds like he has had a bad experience in the past with it. So I would just tell him that your parents are open minded and accepting of anyone who genuinely cares about you. As long as they aren't outright bigots of course. If they do take issue with it down the road then you deal with them discreetly.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
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    Sep. 25, 2010
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    Ottawa, Canada
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    Quote Originally Posted by saultgirl View Post
    It's not an issue. I wouldn't address it until/unless it becomes an issue.
    What she said. Then ask him why he is concerned.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
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    Mar. 12, 2006
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    When I was in my early twenties I briefly dated a man that was a different race than myself (family). I come from a very, very closed back ground. It wasn't worth it to me to continue in a relationship that I knew would alienate me from my family.

    I have a Japanese friend that was dismissed from her family because she married a Chinese man. There are days she regrets the loss of her parents and grand parents.

    It's a private decision for each individual.
    "All top hat and no canter". *Graureiter*



  11. #11
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    Oct. 6, 2013
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    heart of horse country, united states
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    If you aren't exclusive and things at this point, I wouldn't even consider it a major issue. Would I personally do it ? No, but that's for me. I have several good friends that have partners of other races and I'm glad they found someone that treats them like a respectable woman. As for the 'rents. Well, as you said, it's not their place to tell you how to live your life. I understand if you respect your opinions, but I would be much more concerned with bringing home a man that is more concerned with my daughter supporting him, lazy, unmotivated, and doesn't treat her like a lady than what color he was !



  12. #12
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    Dec. 26, 2008
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    Indianapolis, Indiana
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    When I was dating my husband I was afraid his patents wouldn't like me because I'm not Hispanic. He basically said, no one cares. Several people in the family have dated or married non-Hispanics.

    And now I have amazing in-laws
    Proud former owner of a Wee Dee Trrr
    Proud half-owner of a Picasso Pony


    7 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
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    Feb. 28, 2006
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    The rocky part of KY
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    I'd talk to him about it. If he wants to have a good relationship with your family he might want to cut it off himself rather than wait until he's really committed to you and find that your family is gong to make you choose, or make him feel uncomfortable, etc.. Once you get him to verbalize his concerns fully then worry about mom and dad.
    Courageous Weenie Eventer Wannabe
    Incredible Invisible


    1 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
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    May. 12, 2008
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    It sounds to me that he is the one with the issue and may be projecting past bad experiences. If I were you, I would ask him why he is so worried about what your parents think.

    I think having a conversation about it is better than just trying to tell him "it will be alright".


    3 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
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    Sep. 25, 2010
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    Ottawa, Canada
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gestalt View Post
    When I was in my early twenties I briefly dated a man that was a different race than myself (family). I come from a very, very closed back ground. It wasn't worth it to me to continue in a relationship that I knew would alienate me from my family.

    I have a Japanese friend that was dismissed from her family because she married a Chinese man. There are days she regrets the loss of her parents and grand parents.

    It's a private decision for each individual.
    Alternatively, you can also regret what might have been.

    Parents who really love their children don't put them in a position of ultimatum. They learn to respect their children's choices. Children need to stand their ground and make their choices clear to their parents. Sometimes, it's a bluffing game.


    8 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
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    Aug. 9, 2007
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    Default

    I'd not say anything to either parent. Unless you are living in their house and under their rules and they are paying all your bills, they shouldn't control anything that you do.
    My parents never said anything about anyone I dated, either when I lived at home or was in college or grad school, and they were paying all my bills. Except once when my father was upset that I was dating a Catholic, who was just a friend, we didn't even kiss. My father was worried about the "lots of children" doctrine of the catholic church. He didn't mind the Jewish guys and protestants though.
    I always told my parents that they should be glad my sister and I were straight, growing up here in Savannah. So except for the one complaint (OK, Eddie had a plastic Jesus riding on the dashboard of his parents' car.), anything male that I dragged in was OK with my parents. Race or religion (except the catholic issue of many kids). I have lots of friends in bi-racial marriages. It is difficult for them, and they catch it from both sides. Some of their marriages have lasted and some have ended in divorce, but as OP has said, marrying the same race is not a guarantee that you'll stay together forever. Enjoy your friend, OP. Even here in the South, times have changed, and people realize that it's not all about race. I used to take my black victims of child molestation out to lunch or dinner and to video game places at predominately white malls in Atlanta, and when people asked if they were mine, I always said yes. They were "my victims" and people need to keep their prejudices to themselves.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  17. #17
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    Feb. 11, 2008
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    gorgeos city
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    Default

    It's 2013, about to be 2014.... or did I enter a time warp?
    ----//\\----
    ---//--\\---
    --//----\\--
    -//------\\-


    8 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
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    Jun. 27, 2005
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    KY
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Mickey the Marcher View Post
    It's 2013, about to be 2014.... or did I enter a time warp?
    No kidding!!!!

    ************************
    \"Horses lend us the wings we lack\"


    2 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
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    Dec. 18, 2006
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    NY
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    I would think that his concern spreads beyond your parents, but to your family, and maybe more importantly to your friends. I think that depending on the racial mix of the partners, friends/family/acquaintances are not always as supportive and it may be that he has had some previous issues. So it sounds like he's asking whether *you* are ok with an interracial relationship (when introducing him to your parents, sure, but also your siblings, cousins, friends, co-workers, etc.)

    I don't think you need to patronize him, but be totally honest about what you think. "Yeah, I think my parents would be surprised"....or "No, I don't think anyone will care"...but I don't think you need to actually broach this issue with your parents yet.

    My sister (white) married a Chinese man, and had a rough relationship and they are now divorced. My parents are pretty "old school" (read mildly bigoted) and weren't totally on board with the racial issue, but I think they would have had a harder time with it if he had been black or Hispanic. The fact that he wasn't a nice guy didn't help.

    Now they keep "joking" with her to find a "blue-eyed" man. Even though my parents love my sister and will ultimately love anyone she brings to meet them.....I can see why men like your new guy would worry about meeting parents.

    A friend of mine is white and her husband is black. When they were shopping for a house, they would stroll down the main street (she was hugely pregnant as well) and get the "vibe" of the neighborhood. She said some small towns were downright scary - the negative vibe about interracial relationships was very real. They finally bought a house in a town where no one seemed to notice the fact that they were different races. So, even though it sees like "no big deal" in 2013....it is still in many places.


    9 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
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    Apr. 3, 2005
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    Idaho
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    Well, I'm glad my mother (who is white) chose to ignore the hate she got for dating and marrying a black man or I wouldn't be here.

    But that was in the 70's and a lot different from today.


    10 members found this post helpful.

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