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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct. 7, 2012
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    Default My MIL is driving me insane

    I know, its the same story over and over again with everyone's MIL but I just need to vent.

    Earlier in the year I had a lot of health problems and it all finally lead back to discovering I had a wheat and soy allergy. It's been a major lifestyle shake up for me because I was the baking queen and had a massive sweet tooth. I've had to cut so much processed food out of my diet, however all for the better.

    This was a good 6 months ago. My MIL came to me for a lot of my appointments and was there when the doctor FINALLY worked it out.

    Even with a list of no no foods on her fridge for me she still can't understand what I can and can't eat. Tonight hubby and I went over for dinner. She served CRUMBED steak and then proceeded to get upset when I told her I couldn't eat it. She kept going on about it's only a little bit of breadcrumbs so why can't I eat it. Same with the ice cream and custard for desert. If the product lists an ingredient just as Thickener or Emulsifier I won't eat it just incase it's derived from wheat or soy. Because guarantee I'll end up feeling sick from it.

    Apparently I'm blowing this whole food allergy thing out of proportion and just being a fussy eater now.

    Yes I can eat that stuff and not die, but I honestly get so sick from it, it's really not worth it. My hubby can tell if I've eaten something I shouldn't have because I'm tired, snore like a chainsaw and just a general irritable grouch who won't get off the toilet for half the day. For some reason the other day I decided to rebel and eat McDonalds. Guess who sat up for most of the night with major abdominal pain curled around a hot water bottle.

    I love my MIL generally, we get along really well. But there are also days where I just want to bang my head against a brick wall. I'd end up with a better response.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan. 6, 2003
    Location
    CT
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    3,461

    Default

    Why do you continue to expect her to cook things you can eat?
    Either stop going over, or bring your own complete meal next time.
    And if she's offended by THAT, then stop going over.

    If her only criteria for avoiding certain foods is avoiding death, then she sounds perfectly ignorant. Maybe she should spend a few days in the ER watching folks with anaphylaxis.

    Or better yet, next time you have a reaction, you call her every 15 minutes with an update. Or better still, have her come and stay with you while you're in the throws of it so she can watch you first hand?


    8 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep. 20, 2009
    Posts
    700

    Default

    Many people don't understand allergies.

    They think if you only have a little of the allergen, you're fine.

    Or if it's not life threatening, reactions are no big deal.

    Many also think small amounts of the allergen will desensitize you.

    Or if they were around when the allergen was found, they feel like you ate it in the past and were fine, and are now being picky or silly. After all, if it was do bad, wouldn't you have realized earlier? This misconception comes from not understanding how pervasive many allergens are and a lack of understating Of how reactions work. The allergen isn't always easy to identify.

    My friend's child has many food allergies and it's a constant struggle. None of the grandparents are allowed to babysit because they sneak her allergenic food. They think mom and dad are just overreacting and that it's mean to deny her milk and eggs. Their attitude is common as well... That allergies are no big deal.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    May. 8, 2004
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    PA
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    6,814

    Default

    My husband is the one in our family, and it never ceases to astonish me how unthinking people can be. We had a guy who made a "flour-less tort" who insisted that there was absolutely no flour in it, it was totally safe, and pushed a slice on my husband. We explained that DH is pretty sensitive, and that any flour would be a problem. Baker Man insisted it was fine.

    DH got sick that night, and we discovered the next day that there was actually a tablespoon of flour in the tort, but Baker Man didn't think that was enough to matter.

    I think for the OPs MIL, bringing food is the solution. And if MIL gets upset about it, it's time to say no more meals. In my opinion, your good health trumps her hurt feelings. And if she thinks your a whinging faker? Her problem, not yours.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jul. 4, 2000
    Location
    Maryland
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    1,828

    Default

    Or just always invite MIL to your house so you can do all the cooking. Get brownie points for inviting her over and save yourself the stress of playing the "what's in this" game.

    *star*
    "Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit."
    - Desiderata, (c) Max Ehrman, 1926


    6 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2007
    Location
    TX
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    40,915

    Default

    It really is no one else's business what you want to eat.
    You don't need to give any explanations, if you don't like some food, or are vegan or allergic to something, others have to respect whatever you want to eat and don't want to eat, period.

    Why is that so hard to understand?

    I too am sensitive to soy and you know, it seems to be in everything, from spices and sauces in bottles, like salad dressing and ketchup and such, to TV dinners, to, well, every place.

    I am not rude, but very clear that I won't eat some things, thank you and don't entertain any debate about it.

    Try doing the same, don't excuse or debate your preferences, they are what they are, "no, thank you" is enough said.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Sep. 7, 2009
    Location
    Lexington, KY
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    17,837

    Default

    I don't know what to tell you, my daughter had a milk allergy as a kid. People would insist she was lactose intolerant. No she had a milk allergy.

    Maybe bring your own food?
    "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~Immanuel Kant



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Aug. 23, 2003
    Location
    Mississippi, U.S.A.
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    878

    Default

    My son and I are sure his daughter is sensitive to sugar, but her mother is oblivious and gives her things like colored sugar in plastic sacks she can suck out. It makes her cough. I'm planning to cook Christmas dinner without sugar but what good will it do when she's not getting support at home?



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Oct. 9, 2010
    Posts
    207

    Default

    My grandma does this to me. I can't eat red meat and my grandma has never made anything that doesn't have red meat in it. Thankfully my mom has stepped up and always makes a desperate dish for me, even though I am an adult though.



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Aug. 2, 2000
    Location
    Chesterland, OH USA
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    2,766

    Default

    My MIL is generally a very considerate person, but she doesn't even seem to TRY to understand "gluten free". She invited us over tonight for PIZZA. (I will bring my own.) Or worse yet, she proclaims things gluten free but I don't think I should trust her investigative skills on this. She often asks "Can you eat THIS? What about THIS?", pointing to fruit or vegetables or cake or pasta.

    I try to steer our meals together to restaurants where I know they have gluten free menus.



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Aug. 5, 2006
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    Midwest
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    1,318

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by GucciJumper View Post
    My grandma does this to me. I can't eat red meat and my grandma has never made anything that doesn't have red meat in it. Thankfully my mom has stepped up and always makes a desperate dish for me, even though I am an adult though.
    Sorry. Made me smile.
    "Oh, sure, you may be able to take down one smurf, but mark my words: You bonk one smurf, you better be ready for a blue wave."---Bucky Katt


    7 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
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    Default

    The only thing you can do with the passive-aggressive people, or the ones who lie about allergens because they don't believe you, is to bring your own food, and touch nothing you don't absolutely know about the contents.

    Many people think allergies are all in people's heads, and don't exist. A friend's brother is extremely allergic to animal dander. It's a life threatening problem for him. He was looking at apartment or condos, and made a point of telling the realtors that he was deathly allergic, and not to show him anything that every had an animal there. He walked into a place that was supposed to have been pet free, and almost immediately started a respiratory attack. He left, went outside, and managed to use an inhaler, and that lessened it enough so he could drive to the ER, instead of call 911. The owner's realtor later said she knew the previous owner had cats, but she didn't believe people were really that allergic. The poor man could have died, and all because someone didn't believe he was allergic.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    2 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Oct. 9, 2010
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    207

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by RHdobes563 View Post
    Sorry. Made me smile.
    Yay for autocorrect! But at that time I do feel desperate to eat something else


    1 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jan. 17, 2008
    Location
    Middle Tn
    Posts
    524

    Default

    I have a severe coconut allergy. Like, get me to the hospital now or I'm going to keel over, allergy.

    Every Thanksgiving we go to my family party then to MIL's house. This year we arrived at MIL's house at the appointed time to find that every one had already eaten and had desert. That's fine, we're still pretty full from my family's thing so we'll just have desert as well. I look on the counter....Coconut Cake, Coconut fruit salad and Coconut Pie. All untouched. There is one sliver of a cheesecake left and my daughter swipes it. That's fine since it's sitting next to the Coconut pie so I don't want to take the chance. MIL makes a big production as to how she made the cheesecake for me and how she was soooo sorry I didn't get any.

    I *thought* she liked me. Now....not so sure.
    "Farriers are the hairdressers of the horse world. They know everything about everybody..."-Lildunhorse


    6 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Sep. 18, 2007
    Location
    FL
    Posts
    677

    Default

    who serves Crumbed steak?? eeewww. I really feel for you! I had a great M-I-L. RIP.

    It is particularly frustrating when she was THERE when you got the diagnosis!

    If it is dumb...just hope your children don't inherit that dumb gene! If it is passive-aggressive - sigh!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
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    Feb. 27, 2004
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    Default

    Boy, I have no ego when it comes to cooking. Here's the food, eat it you like,don't if you like, or fix what you want or bring what you want, fine with me.

    Maybe I need to use the allergic excuse. People are always trying to get me to taste this or try that. No thank you. I am just not interested and I don't really like "other people's food". No, tasting it isn't going to suddenly change my mind. I also disliked it when people tried to make my children eat something they didn't want to in front of me! I've been picky and finicky all my life and I have never tasted something that was "wow, give me more". I just say no thank you, and I'm not hunger but thank you for asking. I was trained this way as a child.

    You just have to keep politely saying "no thank you". Trying to explain is pointless. If you do it enough they will get fed (ha ha) up with you and leave you alone.



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Jan. 20, 2008
    Posts
    640

    Default

    The only thing you can do is bring your own food or always have dinner at a place where you can control what you eat. Trying to get people to totally understand/accept your medical issues is impossible. They always seem to think they know best. There is no changing people like that.

    My in-laws have zero respect for my health issues. They don't understand my limitations and I've stopped trying to explain them. In fact, my BIL is so rude that he can't understand why I can't be around smoke. (It may be a bit dramatic but my doctor as said if I HAVE to walk by someone who is smoking I'd better hold my breath and run. I asked if he was kidding but sadly he was serious. While I don't run I do try to avoid it and I do hold my breath.) Anyway, I explained this to my BIL who smokes...That little effer had the audacity to smoke around me every chance he go. At one point he blew it in my face on purpose. He's lucky I didn't lose my cool. Needless to say, I don't speak to any of the in-laws anymore. I don't know how my husband turned out to be the wonderful human being he did. He's NOTHING like them. (Thank God.)

    Best you can do is to take care of yourself and not count on others. I feel for you!



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Jul. 11, 2004
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    6,890

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    Quote Originally Posted by SFrost View Post
    ...At one point he blew it in my face on purpose. He's lucky I didn't lose my cool.
    And your husband didn't break his brother's nose? Good for your husband supporting you and staying away from his family...actually, they're relatives, you're FAMILY (wonderful he remembers that!)
    "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"


    1 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Dec. 20, 2003
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    Hillsborough, NC
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by GucciJumper View Post
    Yay for autocorrect! But at that time I do feel desperate to eat something else
    Hey, given the context, I didn't even question the use of that word.
    Only one cat - must not be totally crazy yet!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Oct. 7, 2012
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    Somewhere out there
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    Default

    I don't even know if it's passive aggressive or just plain ignorance! There are days when I'm sure it can be either of the above. The worst part is she lived with us for the last few months so she knows the pains I've had to go through cooking….as I did all the cooking while they lived with us.



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