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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep. 8, 2004
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    Default Spinoff: Parents not giving "The Talk". Need Advice

    Ok, here is the situation.. DH and I have been married for just over a year but we have been dating since I was 15 and he was 17. His parents never gave him "the talk" and mine didn't either. Needless to say, I feel lucky I never ended up pregnant.

    So, DH has a 17 year old sister and we are both certain she has also not received "the talk." This particularly worries me now because she is dating a young man who recently completed boot camp and will be returning home for Christmas. I think we all know where this is likely to lead..

    I'm wondering if it would be completely out of line for DH or myself to talk to his sister and let her know that we are here to help her in any way, and also to tell her if/when the time comes, we will take her wherever she needs to go to get BC. DH's family is deeply religious and I know they would be upset if they found out we did this, but IMO, it's better than her coming home announcing she's pregnant. WWYD in this situation?


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  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar. 3, 2007
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    North-Central IL
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    Default

    There are several good books geared precisely for this sort of thing, I would buy one and give it to her on the sly with a wink-wink-nudge-nudge.
    Quarry Rat



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2001
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    Default

    I am assuming you are referring to the morning after/Plan B thread....

    I think it would be icky if big brother pulled little sister aside, filling her in on the finer points of equipment usage.

    However, you as married woman can pull her aside, give it to her straight (print the above mentioned thread out, if needed)
    And be the cool sister-in-law who cares.
    Definitely do it IMHO. Although, if you have to accompany her to doctor visits to get the unsavory BC stuff...you know you can/will end up in hot water with the inlaws, right! (still beats the crying infant scenario though)
    Quote Originally Posted by Bristol Bay View Post
    Try setting your broomstick to fly at a lower altitude.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
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    Dec. 12, 2004
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    Massachusetts
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    Default

    Not inappropriate at all. You're a trusted sibling, siblings are allowed to talk to each other, no matter what the crazy parents think.

    Sit her down and just give her a run-through of options. I think the offer to take her to PP to get some birth control is a very generous and smart one....back when I was in highschool, so many of my friends could only go if they had a "buddy" to go with them.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Nov. 24, 2006
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    I think it's awful that her parents haven't (if they indeed haven't) not *just* because of pregnancy but because of all the nasties out there that an unsuspecting kid could bring home. It's a health issue, not just a sex issue. I'm sure she's picked up plenty at school/with friends but if I had any doubt, I'd be making some alone time with her and seeing to it that she is prepared.
    Kerri


    1 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Dec. 18, 2006
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    NY
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    5,156

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by GoForAGallop View Post
    Not inappropriate at all. You're a trusted sibling, siblings are allowed to talk to each other, no matter what the crazy parents think.

    Sit her down and just give her a run-through of options. I think the offer to take her to PP to get some birth control is a very generous and smart one....back when I was in highschool, so many of my friends could only go if they had a "buddy" to go with them.
    I agree. I think all teenaged girls should be so lucky as to have a young woman NOT related to them go through the finer points with them.

    My mom thinks she gave us "the talk". I don't recall any conversation - at all - about anything other than periods, and that was AFTER I got mine (so much for my mom being prepared for the inevitable...sheesh.)


    4 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Aug. 12, 2010
    Location
    Westford, Massachusetts
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    I'm sure she knows the basic mechanics, at age 17, but it would be a good thing for you to talk to her, ask her if she has any questions, get a reading on what she knows (kids can get A LOT of misinformation from their peers if they have no knowledgeable adult to bounce things off of) and let her know that you are available to talk, no judgement, if she ever needs any help or advice.

    I agree with having you, as the adult, married SIL, speak with her...having big brother do it might be a bit uncomfortable for both of them .


    1 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Oct. 15, 2013
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    The land of never ending winter
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    I think its a reassuring thing for a girl to know she has someone to go to if she needs help. Especially if she know her parents won't be very receptive. I always knew that I had other people aside from my parents, who were giving me the talk as soon as they deemed it appropriate (around age 13). While I think it would be a little awkward to hear the "talk" from big brother, maybe awkward wouldn't be so bad. Even if it is you who will be talking to her its not like you are going to be giving her pointers or anything. Just know that your in-laws may get upset if they do find out you guys did it behind their backs. But I'm sure your DH loves his little sister just as much as his parents do and he doesn't want to see one mistake affect her life just because she didn't have the right information.
    Just keep swimming... Just keep swimming


    1 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
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    Sep. 2, 2005
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    Upstate NY
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    I think it would be great to be there for her.


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  10. #10
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    Nov. 10, 2011
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    Quote Originally Posted by Canaqua View Post
    I'm sure she knows the basic mechanics, at age 17.

    I didn't! Which I think my mom did on purpose. Since I didn't know anything I didn't do anything! Not a word about periods, shaving, sex. Ever!

    Luckily i didn't get my period til I was 17, so I could drive myself to the store to get what I needed.

    Found out the mechanics of sex in a book at a friends house. I was well into my teen years by then, maybe not 17, but definitely not far off.

    And the weird part is, my mom's not weirdly religious, and we had a decent relationship.

    I really think she thought that I would learn what needed to be learned in school. And the only thing I remember from my school's sex ed program was that you "pet your dog, not your date."


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  11. #11
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    Sep. 11, 2013
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    Burlington, VT
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    Default

    I never had "The Talk" either. My parents relied on what is taught in sex-ed. I think it would be nice to take her aside, let her know if she wants to talk you are here, let her know about pressures and how she shouldn't feel like someone else is deciding for her, and offer to take her to get BC. Saying something like "I can take you to get BC if you want to have it, you don't have to use or think it makes you ready for sex, but it's always nice to plan ahead and feel prepared and comfortable for when you are ready" That way she doesn't feel like you are assuming she is/should have sex. Leave it kind of open-ended and casual enough that she feels like she can always come to you.


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  12. #12
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    Mar. 23, 2006
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    Every girl needs a more experienced friend to talk to. There is nothing wrong with you being that person. While I had a phenomenal sex ed class, I am constantly shocked by what other people learned in their sex ed classes. Pull out is not an appropriate method of birth control...

    My mom and I had a version of "the talk," but didn't go into too much detail. She put me on BC when I went to college...just to be safe. I didn't have sex until my junior year of college, but was on the pill the whole time.
    Only two emotions belong in the saddle: One is a sense of humor. The other is patience.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
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    May. 28, 2006
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    Having come from a very religious, "taboo" upbringing, and having been an uneducated, crazy 17 year-old, all I can say is, I WISH that I had someone like you in my life at that age. Yes, you're risking the parents getting upset, but I would absolutely do it. Cause here's the thing...if 17 y/o SIL wants to have sex, she will. No matter what her parents say. YOU talking to her about BC isn't going to make her all of a sudden want to jump in the sack. So if she's going to do it, might as well be safe and responsible about it.


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  14. #14
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    Jun. 24, 2005
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    Alabama
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    It would be a wonderful thing if you took her aside, and told her how to keep from getting pregnant, or getting some horrible disease.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    1 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
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    Nov. 17, 2006
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    4,458

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    I talk to my niece about this stuff since she is being raised by my brother, a single dad. Hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be, since I don't have my own kids.
    “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
    ¯ Oscar Wilde



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Sep. 8, 2004
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    147

    Default

    Thanks everyone! Even though I know it would be awkward, I have been wanting to say something to her.. I just didn't want to overstep any boundaries. I'm sure she won't tell her parents if we talk but I'd definitely be worried about them finding the BC (if she decided to get it) and her getting in trouble. I'd rather her get in trouble for that than for getting pregnant though!


    3 members found this post helpful.

  17. #17
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    Feb. 14, 2012
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    Quote Originally Posted by talkofthetown View Post
    Having come from a very religious, "taboo" upbringing, and having been an uneducated, crazy 17 year-old, all I can say is, I WISH that I had someone like you in my life at that age. Yes, you're risking the parents getting upset, but I would absolutely do it. Cause here's the thing...if 17 y/o SIL wants to have sex, she will. No matter what her parents say. YOU talking to her about BC isn't going to make her all of a sudden want to jump in the sack. So if she's going to do it, might as well be safe and responsible about it.
    This. In spades.

    My parents weren't deeply religious but we didn't talk about sex in our house. We just didn't. Luckily I had a GREAT first partner, who went to Planned Parenthood with me to be moral support. I was... 16, I think? Not every girl is so lucky. I was going to do it regardless of what my parents said, and I think that we were pretty responsible about it.

    If you make it matter of fact, it'll be fine.

    Her parents will be a lot more upset if she comes home with a baby than a birth control pack, fo shizzle!


    2 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18

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    Coming from a 16 yr old, it would be a huge relief to have someone like you in my family. We don't ever discuss sex or periods or anything. Buying tampons with my mother is still awkward. It shouldn't be this way, and I resent it. Luckily I have a lot of older friends(18+) who are always there for me. And I felt prepared for my first time ONLY BECAUSE OF THEM. My family isn't religious or anything. But I do have a more experienced boyfriend who has held my hand through everything and a best friend who has done the same. I feel more comfortable talking to my AT than my own mom. When a teenager feels as if their ready, they've made the decision and very few things will change their mind. Luckily both me and the boy were safe and knew how to be safe, but without my friends I may not have been so careful. Talk to her, offer her the BC, and just tell her to be careful with it and if she gets caught with it to have the parents call you or your husband.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Mar. 8, 2012
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    Here is a great website you can use! It lists umpteen amounts of accurate information on all kinds of topics relevant to young women, pertaining to both physical and mental health. She can look at it herself or you can use it to get some "talking points."

    www.youngwomenshealth.org

    Another good one is www.mariatalks.org

    There is also a corresponding young men's site as well: www.youngmenshealthsite.org

    It's great that you all are taking the initiative! Good luck!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Jan. 3, 2012
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    I think it would be great for you to talk with her, as an older more experienced friend.

    I just wanted to add that I think it would be nice if you could also try to impart on her the confidence that when/if they have sex can be her decision! I feel like a lot of girls and women tend to think the guys are going to dump them or lose interest if they want to wait. The good guys will wait… and then when the time is right, PP and BC etc.


    3 members found this post helpful.

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