The Chronicle of the Horse
MagazineNewsHorse SportsHorse CareCOTH StoreVoicesThe Chronicle UntackedDirectoriesMarketplaceDates & Results
 
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 20 of 50
  1. #1
    Join Date
    May. 2, 2011
    Posts
    293

    Default SO's nephew is driving me crazy!

    This is super long, and a vent... apologies in advance.

    SO is wonderful. Super sweet, generous and always willing to lend a hand. Over our relationship I've seen him taken advantage of, mostly by family, but also by friends/clients.

    I can not stand this.

    Thanks to my father, I am super vigilant about being taken advantage of, and am more than willing to say NO (it is a full sentence you know ).

    The biggest problem:

    Sister moved her kid into SO's house 18 months ago (he lives in the town where kid goes to college). He said NO, but she waited til he was out of town, and moved him in anyways (she is crazy, but that's a whole other topic). He is constantly annoyed with the kid. He has made no effort to make friends/join clubs etc, so he is always at the house. On the couch. All. The. Time. Waiting for SO to make dinner/go biking/go to the movies etc.

    SO is early-30's and has lived alone the last 10 years, has his own friends and life.
    SO tells him to be out of the house, but when he comes home and he's sitting on the couch he says NOTHING.
    He keeps saying things are going to change, I just don't think they are.

    I told SO this weekend (we're long distance) when we were headed to the airport that something needs to change. We are both homebodies and enjoy date night at home. SO told kid to find something to do this weekend, he didn't, SO said nothing, and even made him dinner.

    I told him I was uncomfortable with him sitting on the couch the whole night staring at us. He understands and 'it won't be this way next semester'.

    Kid had a job at a restaurant, making very good money, but quit because he wanted 'more free time'. He now works about 10 hours a week making minimum wage (used to work 25-30 as a waiter, making 3-4x minimum wage).

    I can't say anything to the kid because it's not my place. I know this. (But it's so hard!)
    I'm an only child, and I love my extended family, but we're not close, no branch is. Maybe I'm missing something since I don't 'understand how families work' but I would say "Hey get an apartment, and pay your own rent and then you can do whatever you want, but while you're living here you will be out of the house from X-Y, you will do X,Y,Z. If you don't like the rules, you can leave."

    SO has gone out of pocket buying this kid a car, paying (and making) most of his food, and all utilities, and kid is now getting grumpy about the yard work he 'has' to do...

    Did I mention that SO is staying in this location, so that kid can finish school? He's got 3 more semesters (at least), and wants to move where I live, but won't until kid graduates.

    I'm at the end of my rope, so is SO. I never wanted to date a guy with a kid, and SO doesn't want kids, but here we end up with one! I can't do anything about it, and SO doesn't seem to want to in regards to backlash from his crazy sister/ wants to give the kid a chance at a good life (he is the product of a teen pregnancy/remarriage by mom who's new hubby doesn't like him).

    Help? Advice? I have gone through more Xanax since I met this kid than ever before.



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul. 26, 2003
    Location
    NC
    Posts
    644

    Default

    SO needs to tell the kid he's moving...set a date, and start packing. If he wants to move to where you are, now is the time.

    As long as SO enables the kid, he'll stay. Hell, why not, he's got a good thing going.


    12 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug. 15, 2008
    Posts
    4,579

    Default

    Is SO being taken advantage of? Absolutely. Has SO laid down and taken it like a wet noodle and done nothing to let everyone know this is not acceptable from the moment he came home and found the kid in his house? YES.

    The easiest time to undo this was at the very beginning. Now it's a giant mess and that is on your SO.
    "Aye God, Woodrow..."


    9 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb. 14, 2003
    Location
    Windward Farm, Washougal, WA- our work in progress, our money pit, our home!
    Posts
    6,835

    Default

    You aren't going to change SO--he's perfectly happy being used. And being used is exactly what is happening. You can force the issue, but don't be surprised if SO chooses his dubious family over you. Crazy sister/lazy nephew dynamic is probably an old one, you are relatively new. The math doesn't favor you as choice #1. Sorry.

    Do you engage the kid in conversation? If so, ask his plans? What degree is he pursuing? See if you can put a bug in his ear to hike his arse out of the house. Can you slip him a $10 and tell him to go to a movie. Be obvious! It will be easier to push nephew than SO.
    Proud member of the "Don't rush to kill wildlife" clique!


    2 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2007
    Location
    TX
    Posts
    40,629

    Default

    SO is not doing that "kid" any favors enabling him to be a moocher.
    Very bad model for any young person.

    I had that sprung on me, someone just gave notice that their grandson was going to start college close by and, why not, told him he would stay with me.
    That from a family that can buy the kid it's own big house.

    REALLY?

    Never mind that she didn't realize I live 2 hours from that college.

    Nice kid, but not happening and it didn't.

    OP, you can't tell your SO who he can or can't keep in his house.



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Feb. 20, 2010
    Location
    All 'round Canadia
    Posts
    4,968

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by roamingnome View Post
    SO has gone out of pocket buying this kid a car, paying (and making) most of his food, and all utilities, and kid is now getting grumpy about the yard work he 'has' to do...

    Did I mention that SO is staying in this location, so that kid can finish school? He's got 3 more semesters (at least), and wants to move where I live, but won't until kid graduates.

    I'm at the end of my rope, so is SO.
    I...somehow doubt that SO is at the end of his rope. There's being spineless and afraid of your crazy sister, and THEN THERE'S BUYING THE KID A FREAKING CAR. Sorry, that goes way, way beyond "spineless". Either SO is lying to you so he seems on your side (oh yeah hon, I am sooo sick of this too, totally), or he is so filled with issues that he needs intense therapy, and I would frankly make that a condition of continuing this relationship for one day longer.

    Seriously. A car.
    Proud Member Of The Lady Mafia


    13 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun. 25, 2004
    Location
    Carolinas
    Posts
    4,714

    Default

    DH and I have had this sort of is situation sprung on us several times as a result of our efforts to mentor/help kids at the local military school.
    After the last kid I sat DH down and very calmly and quietly explained I am very capable of living alone. Which will be my next step with the next kid "who had no other choice".

    You have several choices - one is to understand your SO will never change and if it isn't the nephew, it will be someone else and learn to live with it. Or you can be the "bad guy" and constantly battle with everyone who figures your SO is their punching guy. Or you can chose to walk away and find someone who values their time/money/life.

    Good Luck
    "Never do anything that you have to explain twice to the paramedics."
    Courtesy my cousin Tim


    7 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2001
    Location
    Packing my bags
    Posts
    31,436

    Default

    Yes, you can say something to this 'kid'
    He is old enough to drive, he is old enough for the real world.

    But then again, I am mean, dripping with sarcasm and shooting from the hip.

    I am thinking unmotivated couch potato has some mental issues...and no, I would not put up with that...especially not from extended family. I have to keep DH and DS....nephews? Nope, not catering.

    (the front yard is a perfect place for unwanted belongings. Either with a sign 'free' or 'yardsale')
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Aug. 17, 2004
    Location
    Rixeyville, VA
    Posts
    6,516

    Default

    The fact that the SO is enabling this behavior speaks volumes about the SO. The nephew has zero reason to move. Why should he; uncle is taking care of everything for him. And guess what, the SO is unlikely to change. Rotate nephew out and there will be another person for him to rescue.

    The SO is just giving you lip service about making change. It's time to move on and start dating someone else. You are never going to be #1 with this man. You can do better.
    Where Norwegian Fjords Rule
    http://www.ironwood-farm.com


    10 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jan. 14, 2003
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    5,763

    Default

    I have a different perspective as a close friend of mine raised her nephew after her brother overdosed on heroin and the kids mother could not step up.

    I know she was on pins and needles thinking that she just needed to get him through college. The kid had a lot of baggage and quit after partying his way through the first two years and not showing up to class. She could not undo the first 13 years of what he experienced and he was just not able to be successful regardless of how much coddling or how much consequence was provided. He was programmed by his parents at a young age to fail.

    It is more likely that SO is paying OP lip service but has every intention of making himself available for this kid to hopefully get his college education. He bought him a car. that is not being walked on. That is giving a kid a helping hand.

    And, in some cases with kids who don't have the greatest upbringing, you might some concessions rather than pushing the kid away and setting him on a different path for life. Once he is graduated, he can screw off for the next 10 years but if and when he finally gets his act together, they will at least have made sure he has a degree and a hope of a career of some sort.

    I'll bet if OP started acting more supportive she would find out how SO truly feels and and would include doing whatever it takes to see this kid through his education as best as he van, despite the discomfort and inconvenience. Then he can boot him and feel he has given it his best.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Aug. 12, 2002
    Location
    Calera, AL
    Posts
    1,901

    Default

    OP, it's my opinion that he's either giving you lip service or that he's just THAT big of a doormat. Either way, it's bad. Lip service is just dishonest and if it's a doormat, do you want to be with someone who can be walked on like that? A person that big of a doormat is unlikely to change much and I would bet your life would be inconvenienced multiple times if you continue to put up with (i.e., stay with) it.

    It would take me about 10 seconds to start resenting it. After that, it's a small step to resenting his lack of backbone and then just resenting him, in general. I guess that makes me a bad person but I hate dealing with pushovers.
    "Dogs are man's best friend. Cats are man's adorable little serial killer." -- theoatmeal.com


    1 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Oct. 14, 2010
    Location
    Horse Heaven
    Posts
    1,878

    Default

    Your SO is telling you who he is. Again and again. A situation bothers you and even him and your SO does _____ (nothing). Accept your SO. You are not going to change him - and if his being taken advantage of by others bothers you now, my guess is it will only get worse over time.

    The nephew situation is how it is. Your requests that it changes or gets handled differently have led to what improvement or difference? The answer is telling you how your SO operates in the world.

    Good luck.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jul. 22, 2007
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    809

    Default

    Any chance nephew is depressed? Moving, going to college, not doing the whole "a billion friends and clubs and parties and classes and omgpeople!" thing? It's quite hard to be motivated when you are depressed, even though that's exactly what you need. Nephew probably has no friends, and has no idea how to make them in a new environment.

    So, even though he *may* be a moocher, he may feel guilty about all the stuff, but at the same time he may just not quite have the energy to DO something about it. Just sayin'.

    Or, he's a total freeloader, and needs a big 'ole kick in the behind, straight into his big boy pants. Which your SO would have to do…and might not.

    Good luck! Sounds super frustrating, and it's really stressful having somebody around all.the.time that you don't want around...
    "On the back of a horse I felt whole, complete, connected to that vital place in the center of me...and the chaos within me found balance."



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,400

    Default

    Justa Bob is so right. Your SO is so far beyond just an enabler, that he's become a cheerleader, and the kid's main support. This type of thing will happen over and over, and if he moves in with you when he relocates, then I'm sure one or more relatives will show up shortly after. This man is going to have the relatives living with him forever, because his relatives have discovered he has no backbone, and a full wallet. Remember that when you go with someone, you also have to put up with his family, and it sounds like his whole family is going to sponge off of him and you as long as possible.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    2 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jun. 25, 2004
    Location
    Carolinas
    Posts
    4,714

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by sketcher View Post
    I have a different perspective as a close friend of mine raised her nephew after her brother overdosed on heroin and the kids mother could not step up.

    I know she was on pins and needles thinking that she just needed to get him through college. The kid had a lot of baggage and quit after partying his way through the first two years and not showing up to class. She could not undo the first 13 years of what he experienced and he was just not able to be successful regardless of how much coddling or how much consequence was provided. He was programmed by his parents at a young age to fail.

    It is more likely that SO is paying OP lip service but has every intention of making himself available for this kid to hopefully get his college education. He bought him a car. that is not being walked on. That is giving a kid a helping hand.

    And, in some cases with kids who don't have the greatest upbringing, you might some concessions rather than pushing the kid away and setting him on a different path for life. Once he is graduated, he can screw off for the next 10 years but if and when he finally gets his act together, they will at least have made sure he has a degree and a hope of a career of some sort.

    I'll bet if OP started acting more supportive she would find out how SO truly feels and and would include doing whatever it takes to see this kid through his education as best as he van, despite the discomfort and inconvenience. Then he can boot him and feel he has given it his best.
    BTDT for the past decade. Totally agree it is very difficult to modify the ingrained family/friend thinking. BUT I believe "small" specific boundaries must be set and maintained. Even if it is just "I require one hour of alone time with my company so go to your room and read a book." This is a normal comment/request from an parent to a child and one hour is not overwhelming.
    The SO is NOT setting any boundaries, which is necessary for the emotional health of both he and his nephew. If the SO doesn't set and enforce boundaries - how is the kid to learn anything? There is a difference between helping/mentoring and enabling. The SO is enabling.
    "Never do anything that you have to explain twice to the paramedics."
    Courtesy my cousin Tim


    2 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Jan. 14, 2003
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    5,763

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by fooler View Post
    BTDT for the past decade. Totally agree it is very difficult to modify the ingrained family/friend thinking. BUT I believe "small" specific boundaries must be set and maintained. Even if it is just "I require one hour of alone time with my company so go to your room and read a book." This is a normal comment/request from an parent to a child and one hour is not overwhelming.
    The SO is NOT setting any boundaries, which is necessary for the emotional health of both he and his nephew. If the SO doesn't set and enforce boundaries - how is the kid to learn anything? There is a difference between helping/mentoring and enabling. The SO is enabling.
    Agreed. He doesn't have to let the kid be totally inconsiderate. But to me the bigger issue is that BO says one thing to OP but does quite another. so, perhaps he does not feel free to express his desire to help the kid out for fear his GF will dump him. to me, the way he needs to grow a set is to 'fess up with GF and tell her he is helping the kid and then work together to make it more amenable to all or let the GF make the choice to walk away.

    Frankly, I was put in the position of af my non-supportive spouse giving me crap about by nephew. It caused my relationship with my nephew to be different than it could have been because I was married and needed to compromise and the best way to protect him was not to have him around so much which was a shame. If I had not been married, the outcome probably would have been different.



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Nov. 23, 1999
    Location
    South Coast Plaza
    Posts
    20,392

    Default

    In this contest, you will never ever ever be the winner.
    EDDIE WOULD GO


    11 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Jun. 25, 2004
    Location
    Carolinas
    Posts
    4,714

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by sketcher View Post
    Agreed. He doesn't have to let the kid be totally inconsiderate. But to me the bigger issue is that BO says one thing to OP but does quite another. so, perhaps he does not feel free to express his desire to help the kid out for fear his GF will dump him. to me, the way he needs to grow a set is to 'fess up with GF and tell her he is helping the kid and then work together to make it more amenable to all or let the GF make the choice to walk away.

    Frankly, I was put in the position of af my non-supportive spouse giving me crap about by nephew. It caused my relationship with my nephew to be different than it could have been because I was married and needed to compromise and the best way to protect him was not to have him around so much which was a shame. If I had not been married, the outcome probably would have been different.
    On this we agree.
    "Never do anything that you have to explain twice to the paramedics."
    Courtesy my cousin Tim



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Jun. 7, 2008
    Location
    now in KCMO, and plan to stay there
    Posts
    3,022

    Default

    Either learn to like this, and the SO's spineless enabling, or leave/end the relationship. It will not change.
    Jeanie
    RIP Sasha, best dog ever, pictured shortly before she died, Death either by euthanasia or natural causes is only the end of the animal inhabiting its body; I believe the spirit lives on.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Mar. 24, 2012
    Posts
    1,648

    Default

    agree with sketcher



Similar Threads

  1. Lily is Driving Me Crazy
    By Louise in forum The Menagerie
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: Nov. 17, 2013, 09:07 PM
  2. I smell PEE and it is driving me crazy!
    By summerhorse in forum The Menagerie
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: Jan. 1, 2013, 03:16 AM
  3. Gas stove (and landlord) driving me crazy. Help?
    By linquest in forum Off Topic
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: Nov. 8, 2012, 02:26 PM
  4. Cats driving me crazy!
    By cloudy18 in forum The Menagerie
    Replies: 16
    Last Post: Jan. 15, 2012, 07:43 PM
  5. Driving myself crazy-Sorry so long!
    By Jacqui in forum Horse Care
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: Jun. 21, 2010, 07:03 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
randomness