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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan. 6, 2011
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    1,329

    Default Advice on Leaving the SO

    So I am looking for some support and advice.

    I am leaving my fiancé after almost five years together. First I have not realized the change that he has made and the fact that he might be mentally abusive until I read something in a book that sounded just like him when the person was explaining a boyfriend that was abusive.

    He called me yesterday and screamed at me for 10 minutes over the phone, which is pretty normal, he does this a few times a month, because he had a bad day. I hung up because I was in a public place and nothing I was saying was stopping the screaming. He called me back twenty three times in the next ten minutes. His threat, which he uses often, is "pack your stuff and get out" or "Your stuff will be in the front yard, I'm done with you." Then he threatened that he was going to wreck my truck that he was driving. Again, this is common behavior.

    He has horrible fiancees and I have great credit while he spends away everything and has terrible credit. He is always borrowing money from me. He blames everyone but himself and never takes responsibility.

    I hate the negativity and how he always tells me that I cannot do anything without him and how I have no friends and how I cannot talk to people. All of which are false.

    He also makes me feel bad because my family has money. He keeps saying how I am going to be in the "real world and that I will be like everyone else when my money runs out." Which hurts me quite a bit.

    I went out with my friends last night and he called, to which I replied I was with my friends, and he told me that I should go on "getting drunk and sleeping with other people" which I have never done while dating him. The last time I even got tipsy was a few years ago, I usually cannot even finish one beer. Also I have never cheated.

    He guilts me into sex and now I hate sleeping with him. It is always "you don't ever want to do it when I want to do it" and how I don't ever have sex with him anymore. Well I hate it and I now resent having sexual anything with him. The guilt trips have turned me off so much that I cannot stand the sight of him.

    So I finally told my friend some of the behavior and explained to her what I have said here and she told me that I needed to get out.

    I am just worried because I have tried to leave before which has come with promises of change as well as him putting a fist through the wall and throwing a pan at my head, which I managed to duck. He tells me how much he hates me and how he wishes he never met me though so I wonder why he fights so hard against me leaving.

    My mother and I are packing up the hose when he leaves for work on friday. I am not telling him before and I am leaving a note. I feel he will come to my work and I am worried about that. I am also upset over leaving our dog that we got together which is the only thing that I have been upset about when I think of leaving him. Not one tear has been shed over our relationship.

    Two years ago he tried to choke me out after he got very mad at me. His brother was there and able to pull him off and after that my live for him has gone down the tubes.

    I guess, I just am worried he is going to come home and harm me or my mother. Any advice? Am I overreacting or making a wrong decision? I just feel like I don't even know what to do.
    I am on my phone 90% of the time. Please ignore typos, misplaced lower case letters, and the random word butchered by autocowreck.




  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun. 20, 2013
    Posts
    168

    Default

    Get out. Do not leave a note. Only take what you really need, and if he pulls up while you and your mom are there call the police. Don't be by yourself- and the very first time he sends you a threatening text, phone message, or email get a restraining order. You don't need this in your life. You will be much happier a person without him. Don't let guilt keep you from being safe.


    100 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun. 23, 2011
    Location
    hunterdon, nj
    Posts
    893

    Default

    You need to extract yourself from this relationship. As soon as possible. Do not go back to visit, do not meet him for lunch to talk things through. Block his number from your phone. File a restraining order if you have to.


    26 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb. 1, 2012
    Location
    Vermont
    Posts
    4,964

    Default

    1) yes, you definitely need to leave; that is not a relationship that anyone should be in and you are worth better than that, much better.

    2) I would pick a time when you know he won't be home, bring a group of people with you to pack all of your stuff in as quick as time as possible, and vacate. Do not tell him where you are going. Do not tell him anything.

    3) Involve the police if you think it will help keep you safer.
    "If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple payments..."


    12 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Dec. 12, 2004
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    6,479

    Default

    Get out. Bring a male figure with you when you're moving all your stuff out.

    After that, head right to the police station and get a restraining order. If you can get his brother to testify that he saw him choking you, you will get one easily.

    Hugs. This is hard. You're doing the right thing.

    I'd take the dog, too.

    Don't go anywhere where you think he will look (your parent's, your best friend's, etc)....find some place where you can just chill out in peace for a while. A hotel, or a short term rental of some sort, or a friend of a friend.


    31 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar. 10, 2007
    Location
    Montana
    Posts
    5,193

    Default

    First of all, all that crap he says to you is just that, crap. Roll your eyes and block it out.

    You're not making the wrong decision. I would stay with your plan but I would involve more people, preferably big men, even if you have to hire them.

    Keep your new address a secret as much as possible and tell the people at work that you've broken up and he should not contact you there and reiterate that nobody should give him any information about you.

    Try not to be alone in the next few weeks, have room mates and friends around to keep you company. Take precautions.

    I think you're very much on the right path, you have to do this but you want to do it very effectively and safely. There are other people here that will have good advice for you.

    Good job! You're going to feel a whole lot better soon!
    “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Stephen R. Covey


    9 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Feb. 11, 2008
    Location
    gorgeos city
    Posts
    616

    Default

    Jesus, why are you still with this nut job?
    ----//\\----
    ---//--\\---
    --//----\\--
    -//------\\-


    20 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jan. 6, 2011
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    1,329

    Default

    Thank you all. After I informed my friends of his actions, which they were unaware as I am usually very private with this information, they were shocked and told me to get out. I also have a friend that will be there to help so hopefully we can get all the stuff out and be gone before he gets back.

    I am so thankful that he works almost an hour away so no quick time back for lunch or anything.
    Last edited by FLeventer; Dec. 11, 2013 at 04:24 PM. Reason: spelling
    I am on my phone 90% of the time. Please ignore typos, misplaced lower case letters, and the random word butchered by autocowreck.



    13 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Aug. 1, 2007
    Location
    West Palm Beach, FL
    Posts
    3,957

    Default

    Later, loser!!!

    Pack up anything you can't live without. Take the dog. Don't leave a note - leave the ring.

    Let your boss, your neighbors, friends, etc., know that you just broke off your engagement from this person because he was abusive and to be on the look out and that you do not want any interaction with him. Let them help keep him away from you.

    You're kind of near me, I think. Aren't you? Let me know if you need anything.
    Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man.


    23 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Mar. 29, 2009
    Location
    Colorado
    Posts
    738

    Default

    I agree with the suggestions about involving the police. Good luck getting everything moved, sounds like you're making the right decision.

    FWIW, I would take the dog too.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Oct. 26, 2005
    Location
    Deep South
    Posts
    4,596

    Default

    Damn, I think your fiancé and my ex husband are twins. It is dicey to get out but once you do, you will begin to see just how bad it was inside that toxic relationship. It is NOT normal to live like that. You don't have to live with yelling, threats and disrespect. Leave while he is gone and if possible change your cell number, etc. Do not leave a forwarding address.
    SPAY/NEUTER/RESCUE/ADOPT!
    Little Star Chihuahua Rescue
    The Barkalicious Bakery
    On Facebook!!!


    4 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Oct. 27, 2009
    Posts
    1,689

    Default

    You are absolutely making the right decision. Do not ever question that, if you are worried about him harming you should you leave you are DEFINITELY in an abusive relationship and need to get out now. It sounds like you have a good plan when it comes to leaving - you have your mother there to support you and you're doing it while he's not there. That is the safest way to go about it. If you think you will have trouble getting everything packed and moved while he is gone find additional help now and be super organized about it - boxes ready to go, an idea in your head of where everything is, ample space in the vehicle you're using, etc.

    I'm assuming you're staying with your mother? If you have any large male family members or friends that could stay with you for a couple of days that may be a good idea, otherwise do not hesitate to call 911 at the slightest sign of weirdness. I wonder if you could give the police a heads up about the situation and your fear about the potential of leaving? You can file for a restraining order very easily, if you are truly concerned for your safety you may want to do that immediately. Maybe others who are experienced with DV issues can weigh in on whether that's a smart idea.

    I'm so sorry about your dog. Are you concerned for his safety as well? There are some organizations out there who will foster dogs for women leaving DV situations until they are able to take them back. Maybe see if there is something like that in your area?

    Lastly, good luck. You are making the right decision and you have a plan. Stick with that and be strong and safe.


    8 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Mar. 1, 2003
    Location
    Happily in Canada
    Posts
    4,825

    Default

    All of the above. Be safe. Have your phone with you. Tell your friends/family where you are, where you're going etc. Tell them what they should do if they see him, if he asks where you are, and if they suspect you are in danger.
    Blugal

    You never know what kind of obsessive compulsive crazy person you are until another person imitates your behaviour at a three-day. --Gry2Yng


    5 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Feb. 18, 2003
    Location
    Alberta
    Posts
    5,318

    Default

    Good luck, don't leave a note.........just leave, get that restraining order and take the dog!
    Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!


    24 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jun. 25, 2004
    Location
    Carolinas
    Posts
    4,714

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by GoForAGallop View Post
    Get out. Bring a male figure with you when you're moving all your stuff out.

    After that, head right to the police station and get a restraining order. If you can get his brother to testify that he saw him choking you, you will get one easily.

    Hugs. This is hard. You're doing the right thing.

    I'd take the dog, too.

    Don't go anywhere where you think he will look (your parent's, your best friend's, etc)....find some place where you can just chill out in peace for a while. A hotel, or a short term rental of some sort, or a friend of a friend.
    Go through the house now to decide what you absolutely want and what can stay. Then call a mover like 2 Men and a Truck - tell them you need to be out quick and do it. Put things in storage if needed. Just make a break with him.
    Contact the phone company to block his number. Contact a lawyer for what rights as well as what steps you need to take in your state to keep him away from you.
    Go to a self-defense class. Consider, if you are comfortable, going through the steps for gun-safety and a concealed carry license. It is expensive and time consuming in most states, but well worth it.
    By all means, take the dog. All that he has done and threatened to do you, he will to the dog.

    Good Luck and keep us posted.
    "Never do anything that you have to explain twice to the paramedics."
    Courtesy my cousin Tim


    19 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Mar. 1, 2011
    Location
    Ontario
    Posts
    316

    Default

    Everyone above has given great advice

    Try and take the dog, you would never forgive yourself if he took it out on the poor pup and/or used him for leverage to get you back.

    Restraining order is the next stop after moving out. Also, around here you can call the police and ask them to come supervise the move out, and that ensures nothing happens if he does show up and he can't say "you took such n such of mine"

    and lastly, get some councelling for your self...this emotional and physical abuse will need professional help to deal with
    if you havent fallen off a horse….then you havent been ridin long enough


    11 members found this post helpful.

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Jan. 6, 2011
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    1,329

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Mickey the Marcher View Post
    Jesus, why are you still with this nut job?
    Lol, I wish I had left when he laid his hands on me two years ago. I am kicking myself for not getting out sooner. But I cannot look on the past and I have to figure out the future.

    Thank you again to everyone.

    His brother will not testify that he laid his hands on me. His family is protect their own kind of mentality. I will keep any texts/emails and hope that he will not come to my work. I have an apartment that I rented up there that he is unaware of so hopefully this will work in my favor.

    I think I will take the dog. I have paid all her vet bills and have records of this and he cannot pay for her medical expenses and does not even remember her heart worm/flea meds! We have had her for five years and I do not want to leave her. Any advice on this?

    EDIT

    Just saw the advice on the dog. Thank you all for that. He has beat the dog and my dog often which is not acceptable.

    I have my concealed carry and am comfortable with my gun. I usually take it everywhere with me because I have a stalker (long story) and he has threatened my safety in the past.

    For the police, I am worried because he has four friends in the PD where we live. I am worried they might tip him off. Any advice on this?
    I am on my phone 90% of the time. Please ignore typos, misplaced lower case letters, and the random word butchered by autocowreck.



    7 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Feb. 6, 2007
    Posts
    1,943

    Default

    Take the dog, you won't be around anymore for him to take his anger out on, so he might move onto the dog.

    Thank your lucky stars you aren't actually married to him yet!


    22 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Aug. 10, 2010
    Location
    Western NY
    Posts
    1,640

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by eclipse View Post
    Good luck, don't leave a note.........just leave, get that restraining order and take the dog!
    Abusers like this often threaten the animal to manipulate the person. Your name on the vet bills is good evidence of ownership.


    19 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Aug. 6, 2002
    Location
    NJ, USA
    Posts
    2,248

    Default

    Yes you need to leave. Be ready he is going to pull every stunt in the book to make you second guess yourself - abusers are excellent manipulators, he has already got you "well trained" to accept it, which makes you valuable (in a very sick way) to him - he won't let you go easily. Through it all you must stay strong. Use the "broken record technique" - to every plea or order he gives you, say "I'm sorry but this isn't working for me anymore and I need to move on", shortened to "I'm sorry but this isn't working for me anymore" shortened to "This isn't working for me". You'll have to repeat each of these 2000 times before he starts to realize you aren't giving in.

    Get your friends around you and be on the defensive. When men snap after an SO leaves, and we read about the murder-suicide in the news, everyone always say "I'd never have thought he could do something like that!" So don't be a statistic, take steps to protect yourself. Let all your friends know what you're doing, even your casual friends or coworkers - they may be like me, and have a zero tolerance policy on domestic abuse, and be ready to help any woman who wants to get out of such a situation at any time!

    Stay strong. Remember "this isn't working for me anymore". No emotion, no explanations, don't get drawn into any verbal fights. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

    Good luck & please update us next OT day if this one closes before you are free & clear.


    9 members found this post helpful.

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