At a public and neutral site. Just in case things don't go well.
DH and I mentored a young man who never knew his father. His mother never identified the man and several years ago abruptly announced the "father" had died. Again no name, nothing. This has had a profound effect on this young man. He is smart and well educated but at the same time self destructive.
"Never do anything that you have to explain twice to the paramedics."
Courtesy my cousin Tim
Yes, I would. The curiosity would make me nuts. Without talking to him, you don't know if he just some total deadbeat or if he thought he was doing right to keep a respectful distance. People have weird reasons for things. I'd want to hear what he had to say and make my own assessment. He may be worth knowing. Or a meeting might give you some closure that you weren't missing out on anything. Never know till you find out...
The fact that you are asking suggests that it's unfinished business for you (I can't imagine how it wouldn't be). I'm of the school that "we usually regret the things we don't do more than the things we do", so I'd probably lean towards giving it a try. I would definitely try to map out how to approach in a cautious, step-wise fashion to protect yourself
It might be helpful to try to imagine the worst case scenario for you if you contact him. What if he rejects you outright, or turns out to be a really awful person? Or, what if he wants into your life in a way that makes you uncomfortable? Would it cause friction between you and your family? Would you want long-term contact or just a chance to "close the chapter"?
Honestly, I have no idea as I have no personal experience; those are just my immediate thoughts. But I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide to do
I knew who my biological father was BUT I never really remembered him (only things I remembered were that we could play on his friend's boat and that we could pick our own cereal). A few years back, I decided to get in contact with him via phone (though my maternal aunts who knew his siblings. I met my paternal aunts and I'm glad I reached out for that reason alone... plus I also met my half sisters last year!) and told him that my allegiance was to my mother and that i would not accept any lies from him. The result of that is now we have a casual relationship that I forget to call... We email occasionally and says he will make it down it visit, but he hasn't yet. I still haven't "met" him yet... I hold my stock in my mother, who has always been there for me.
Last edited by Kat_Renee; Oct. 19, 2013 at 09:29 AM.
And be prepared for disappointment so that it doesn't disappoint you. If that makes sense. Go in with an attitude of, well, maybe he doesn't want to see me (or maybe he's a putz that I don't care to have a relationship with), but at least I tried and can live with no regrets. Better than always wondering and then regretting the opportunity when you had it.
where are we going, and why am I in this hand basket?
If it were me, I think I would like to try to establish contact. I would send a communication (email, facebook PM, snail mail, etc) and just say something like:
"I am your daughter and I have no idea whether you have any interest in meeting me, but if you do, I am willing and curious about you. No strings. Just to establish contact and see how it goes. If I don't hear back from you, I won't try and contact you again."
I think I would do it on a "hail mary" type of move. Maybe something will stick, if not with him than with your extended family.
He has a mother and father and maybe brothers and sisters. If you can fill in some space it's worth a shot.
But like all Hail Mary's, wait and see if it hits before you celebrate.
Ya know, I really can't imagine. I would hate that for anyone that I knew. I'm not even close with my dad and I still can't imagine. Give yourself and your family a chance, throw it out there. And maybe rethrow every few years. People change and mature and grow.
I would do it, but more from a logical standpoint of giving you some medical history. It is not uncommon though, for biological parents who had no contact whatsoever, to think they were doing what was right or easiest for their child
I've never met mine either. Same scenario with a twist. My mother has also passed. I have a brother who's 18 months older than me who's "accepted" since he was born prior to the divorce. I was born during the divorce and am not. Either way he never paid a dime of child support and didn't have any involvement in my brother's life until he was in his teens. I go back and forth on it.. part of me wants to know what he's like,.but the other part of me is like "screw you asshole" Any man that deserts his children isn't someone I want to know. Only you can decide.but I wouldn't just show up. Good luck to you from a fellow member of the "fatherless club"
"You can't blame other people. You can't always say what happened wasn't my fault, and you know what? Even if you have an excuse, shut up. "Bruce Davidson Sr.
My mom has chosen not to meet her biological father. Basically, he knocked my grandmother up when she was a sophomore in high school and he was a freshman in college home for winter break. When she told him about the pregnancy he wanted nothing to do with it. His parents wanted nothing to do with it either. He never paid a dime of child support (even though he went on to become a millionaire) and my grandmother was left with the baggage (had to drop out of high school etc) by herself. My mom considers her father to be the man who adopted and helped raise her.
Recently, when my mom wanted to know "dad's" health history, she went through an attorney in order to avoid any direct contact.
My mother left when I was an infant. I have met her a handful of times over the years (I am now 43). I have probably seen her twice in the last 25 years. I am semi close to some aunts and cousins on that side of the family now. It's a HUGE family, but always awkward.
It's hard for me because my bio-mom is a crazy person, turned into a right-wing nutjob tea partier and a bit of an animal hoarder. Lives on the money she got when her last husband died. At the age of 60 she still blames everything that ever happened on everyone else, which I suppose is why she likes to demonize other people (like the poor, etc..).
Anyway, all that is to say be prepared to really not like what you find. One of the reasons I never wanted kids is because I never wanted to pass those genes along. For many years I wished I had been put up for adoption so I could just make up who my bio-mom is rather than know the truth.