The Chronicle of the Horse
MagazineNewsHorse SportsHorse CareCOTH StoreVoicesThe Chronicle UntackedDirectoriesMarketplaceDates & Results
 
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 20 of 45
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul. 24, 2008
    Posts
    3,069

    Default How to say no to MIL boarding request?

    I have a private farm and I do not wish to board horses.

    There was a message on my answering machine from my mother-in-law last night, saying she wants to buy a horse and keep it at my farm (she used to have horses, 20+ years ago). The answer is absolutely going to be "No." but I'm feeling guilty/selfish/ashamed about it.

    I don't have any "good reason" to say "No" that doesn't make me look like a spoiled child who doesn't want to share their sandbox. Because that's the truth. I don't want to share. I want my quiet, my alone time, I want to hog the cross-ties whenever I feel like it and I don't want to move my stuff to make room for someone else's. I don't want to deal with someone showing up and wanting to talk to me while I'm riding or knocking at my door while I'm in the house.

    I'm worried that any reason I give, she will have a counter-argument. (Like she'll help do the chores, fix fences, etc)

    I know "No" is a complete sentence, but it doesn't seem entirely appropriate here...

    Any advice?
    Jigga:
    Why must you chastise my brilliant idea with facts and logic? **picks up toys (and wine) and goes home**



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan. 21, 2010
    Posts
    2,177

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by saultgirl View Post
    I have a private farm and I do not wish to board horses.

    I don't want to share. I want my quiet, my alone time, I want to hog the cross-ties whenever I feel like it and I don't want to move my stuff to make room for someone else's. I don't want to deal with someone showing up and wanting to talk to me while I'm riding or knocking at my door while I'm in the house.
    I think this is more than enough reason! Especially the first sentence.
    If you're feeling guilty, say something about liability home insurance. My home insurance rates would skyrocket if I boarded a horse that wasn't owned by me, and that horse wouldn't be covered under my policy if it were to get loose on the road and kill someone. My insurance company asked me multiple times if all of the horses on the property were mine only.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Mar. 27, 2013
    Posts
    52

    Default

    Will hubby back you up? Maybe he can help, or at least be in the room for moral support when you talk to her. But I agree I don't like sharing either. I also think the insurance is a good point as well.



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2007
    Location
    TX
    Posts
    40,698

    Default

    There is no way to say no there without hurt feelings.
    There is always someone that knows better than you do what you should do and why.
    When they start to make arrangements for their lives where you have to accommodate them, then is time to say a big "no".

    You are right to not even try to find reasons or excuses to say no, they won't work if she is not taking a simple no for an answer.

    You can say no, I have everything arranged for my horses only, not boarding, but you will help her find a good place to board, where she will have others to do things with, if she wants you to help with that.

    Repeat, you will help her find a boarding stable, don't let her make the conversation to "why not?".


    4 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Nov. 15, 2007
    Posts
    512

    Default

    Don't do it. My personal experience with this was a disaster and the fallout continues to this day. Even my friend had to kick HER OWN MOTHER out of her barn. I was optimistic going in and it still turned out horribly. You already know what you need to do, I think. Make up something like, "It's not you, it's me, and I know I would be miserable to share a barn with." Trust me, don't do it.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar. 3, 2007
    Location
    North-Central IL
    Posts
    3,475

    Default

    Call around and write down the options and details of all other boarding barns you could recommend before you have the talk.
    Quarry Rat


    4 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Feb. 8, 2006
    Location
    NE OK
    Posts
    526

    Default

    Tell hubby to deal with it.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jul. 20, 2007
    Location
    Rising Sun, MD
    Posts
    3,547

    Default

    When I read these threads with all the family drama, I always feel quite lucky to have the family that I do. No way I would say no to my MIL even if it was an inconvenience for me
    “While the rest of the species is descended from apes, redheads are descended from cats.” Mark Twain


    5 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Oct. 14, 2010
    Location
    Horse Heaven
    Posts
    1,878

    Default

    Do you want to live with her? You are Not being selfish. You don't want someone else's 'pet.' Think about a vet problem - you get the care job. What happens if the horse has serious issues? Don't do it. Saying no now is nothing in emotional terms compared to later when real disagreements start. Think of that when you dodge the bullet!


    3 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    May. 10, 2013
    Location
    Washington State
    Posts
    600

    Default

    I must be weird, I LOVE sharing. I board out insanely cheap so that I could find a great person to ride with and share what I have with. We found an amazing woman with a great daughter near my daughter's age so we both have someone to ride with our own age.

    My MIL doesn't ride, and she can be difficult, but whenever she asks to learn about horses I am all over it.

    Everyone is different though, and if that is how you feel it should be respected.

    Though, IF you have a good relationship with her, perhaps you could still let her know you would be willing to haul out and ride with her wherever she boards or allow her to haul to you so she isn't getting a total expulsion from your horse life. This could show her it is not personal.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Sep. 2, 2005
    Location
    Upstate NY
    Posts
    12,019

    Default

    I most certainly would not want my MIL or even my mother keeping a horse at my house (thankfully neither are horse people). So if that is your reason then I say do the whole 'it is me, not you' thing and let the hubby reinforce that to his mother. Another option is simply stating that you feel that <how many horses you currently have> is the most you can handle at this time when it comes to daily chores.

    If you just do not want to share before you say this is a no way thing think about how it might work out. Will your MIL even come out and ride? If so how often? Once per week, once per month?
    If you like your MIL and you are pretty sure her visits would be rare is it worth the family issues of not keeping her horse for an infrequent visit?



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jul. 1, 2007
    Location
    Chapel Thrill, NC
    Posts
    86

    Default

    Before you damage any relationships, have you tried re-directing her attention?

    "It's been 20 years, maybe you should take some lessons? I know a good trainer who specializes in re-riders..."

    "Are you sure you want to just jump back in to horse ownership? How about a partial lease on such and such farm?"
    "


    12 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Nov. 5, 2002
    Location
    way out west
    Posts
    3,129

    Default

    lucky bunny has the right idea, I think. After 20 years no one should just rush out and buy a horse. Her body's got to get back in riding form, and she will need time to get it together.

    I started riding again when I was 35 and it about killed me. Is she motivated enough to work through the pain? The time commitment?



  14. #14

    Default

    I was going to say what Lucky Bunny said -- she should start by taking lessons, then decide whether she might want to lease (or even half-lease) a good schoolmaster. That program should last her at least three years -- then if she is still interested in owning a horse, you can cross that bridge at that time. By then, you may have filled up any empty stalls in your barn! Or, you may discover that she is a wonderful, naturally talented horsewoman with whom you would LOVE to share your barn ... well, it could happen!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jan. 20, 2004
    Location
    La Habra Heights, CA
    Posts
    1,472

    Default

    "I am so sorry, but I just can't handle the extra work right now." Totally understandable, and it's the truth. I had to say this to a friend, and it caused no hard feelings.
    --o0o--


    2 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2007
    Location
    TX
    Posts
    40,698

    Default

    Some are saying they don't see any problems if their MIL wanted to come board in their private stable?
    I assumed that was not an option here, the OP already said NO to that.
    This thread was about a way to say a clear NO where it won't go over like a bomb.

    Now, if to accept MIL as a boarder or not is the question, then some answers may change.

    I still think that, if NO is a given, some suggestions were good, like offering to help with re-riding efforts thru some lessons and see where this goes first.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Mar. 8, 2004
    Location
    Baltimore, MD
    Posts
    19,766

    Default

    Always blame it on insurance. My insurance company would drop me, my insurance rates would be $10,000, whatever you need to say.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Feb. 6, 2003
    Location
    NorthEast
    Posts
    24,499

    Default

    Yup, Laurie beat me to it.

    First, like Tinah said, have your husband handle the issue. It's his mom. But also make sure he handles it well and doesn't say, "My wife doesn't want you" to save his own bacon.

    After that, blame a third party. I'd normally go with the "No is a complete sentence" and tell you to stick with it, but this is a MIL. No is not a complete sentence then. Sentences aren't complete sentences.

    Insurance is usually a good fall back. You called insurance about the possibility and they quoted you an astronomical amount and preferred you didn't bring in outside boarders. And you KNOW your MIL would NEVER sue you, but if anything ever happened then her insurance will go after yours whether she wants them to or not.
    But it's GREAT that she wants to get back into riding! Good for her, you'd love to help her. And it's great that she can afford having all those expenses! Having the emergency vet bill fund and buying all the tack and shoes every 6 weeks and etc, etc, etc. Let's get her back into riding with lessons for now. And if you want to, offer to go with her for lessons, it'll be fun for the two of you!


    The scary cost conversation along with insurance (both cost and scary possibility of getting hurt) and the cost and time and work of lessons might change her mind.
    You jump in the saddle,
    Hold onto the bridle!
    Jump in the line!
    ...Belefonte


    3 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Oct. 25, 2008
    Posts
    2,175

    Default

    The problem with excuses is that it almost invariably gives a loophole for the asker to worm themselves through.

    "Oh, your insurance rates will go up? Let me know, I'll pay you the difference."

    "Oh, it won't be more work for you, I'll do self-care for Dobbin."

    "I won't need to take lessons instead of buying a horse, I'm sure you can give me lessons as needed."

    "I already talked to my dear son, he said he doesn't think it would be a problem and you probably wouldn't mind at all."

    Etc., etc., etc.

    Unfortunately, you're just going to have to tell her "NO" all by yourself, awkwardness and all, no excuses. There's really no counter-argument to "I'm really sorry, I'm just not interested in taking on any boarders, even family." Repeat verbatim, in a gentle, nonconfrontational tone of voice, until she gets it.
    *friend of bar.ka

    "Evidently, I am an unrepentant b*tch, possible trouble maker, and all around super villian"


    7 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2007
    Location
    TX
    Posts
    40,698

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by cnvh View Post
    The problem with excuses is that it almost invariably gives a loophole for the asker to worm themselves through.

    "Oh, your insurance rates will go up? Let me know, I'll pay you the difference."

    "Oh, it won't be more work for you, I'll do self-care for Dobbin."

    "I won't need to take lessons instead of buying a horse, I'm sure you can give me lessons as needed."

    "I already talked to my dear son, he said he doesn't think it would be a problem and you probably wouldn't mind at all."

    Etc., etc., etc.

    Unfortunately, you're just going to have to tell her "NO" all by yourself, awkwardness and all, no excuses. There's really no counter-argument to "I'm really sorry, I'm just not interested in taking on any boarders, even family." Repeat verbatim, in a gentle, nonconfrontational tone of voice, until she gets it.
    That.^

    Never underestimate the stubbornness of MILs to get their way.


    3 members found this post helpful.

Similar Threads

  1. Bad request after bad request
    By LookmaNohands in forum Help Forum
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: Jun. 1, 2013, 08:29 AM
  2. May I request jingles, please?
    By Lori T in forum Eventing
    Replies: 37
    Last Post: Sep. 9, 2011, 12:15 PM
  3. Horse Boarding Request
    By Joshua's Mom in forum Off Course
    Replies: 17
    Last Post: Aug. 7, 2010, 09:35 PM
  4. Replies: 19
    Last Post: Nov. 22, 2009, 02:09 PM
  5. An Odd Request...
    By danceronice in forum Racing
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: Jun. 28, 2009, 06:27 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
randomness