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  1. #21
    Join Date
    Aug. 27, 2010
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    216

    Default

    Oh, and by the way, it's not uncommon for people to be confused by medical terminology. I know of a woman and her husband who thought the woman was dying because her doctor told her she had terminal colitis. Which is basically just inflammation at the end of the colon. Damn doctor.



  2. #22
    Join Date
    Jun. 19, 2001
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    Pacific NW
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    3,769

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    This is a situation where there are no "do-overs". When Dad is gone, it will be forever. My DH and his 4 brothers all went to see their step-dad/dad before he died, and were glad they did. Some because things were made better, some because they got the chance to say the things they were too young to say at the time of the divorce/physical abuse. But there was closure for all of them.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  3. #23
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    Jan. 19, 2000
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    Ellijay, GA
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    lambchop, thank you. This is the reason we need more clarification as what exactly is going on.
    Busy Bee Farm, Ellijay, GA
    Never Ride Faster Than Your Guardian Angel Can Fly
    Way Back Texas~04/20/90-09/17/08
    Green Alligator "Captain"



  4. #24
    Join Date
    Apr. 9, 2012
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    NYC=center of the universe
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    1,914

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    Don't nudge - be a bulldog!! We went to visit my uncle-in-law when he was very sick from cancer and pleaded with his sister to get there fast. She waited and got there for the funeral.
    Born under a rock and owned by beasts!



  5. #25
    Join Date
    Jan. 19, 2000
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    Ellijay, GA
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    Well...his response was "Ive been without him for 15 years, why should I see him now just because he is dying?". He did say he would go to the funeral when he died.

    He also through in "Maybe Mother will disappear for 15 years too"...so...uhm, ya.

    His dads sister did track down my husband Aunt to let us know that it is prostate cancer and has metastasized...she didn't know if they had given a timeline or not. She did say that it was hereditary and that my husband needed to stay on top of his health. She also said it would "mean the world to his dad" if my husband would stop by and if he could see his two grandsons.

    So...I said my peace and he said his. It is his decision. He still harbors a lot of resentment towards them both and I cant change that.
    Busy Bee Farm, Ellijay, GA
    Never Ride Faster Than Your Guardian Angel Can Fly
    Way Back Texas~04/20/90-09/17/08
    Green Alligator "Captain"



  6. #26
    Join Date
    Feb. 15, 2004
    Location
    Ontario
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    7,620

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    My dad and his brother had been estranged for a while... I pleaded with my uncle to go and visit my dad, that he would be so glad to see his young brother... My uncle said he would in early september. Dad died August 27th.
    My uncle said he did not realize it was that bad although I had told him in July I hoped my dad would still be there in Sept. when I came back.
    I am sorry they did not connect one last time and so is my uncle now.



  7. #27
    Join Date
    Aug. 9, 2007
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    9,009

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    Well OP, your husband has to realize that he needs to resolve this for his own good, not for his father. I have had 2 friends who were involved in similar situations, and you might want to mention these to your husband:

    1. Friend who works in Swainsboro. Her husband had the father who had beaten his son, and who took him to town each Saturday with a dog collar and leash on him, around his neck. No one in that town spoke up for the kid even though his father beat him in public and hit him with the leash. So when he got old enough to work, he left home and never looked back. Got a good job, met my friend and married her and raised 2 nice kids. When his father was dying of cancer, he asked to see my friend's husband. My friend and her husband decided that if he did not go to see his father, HE, the husband, would have problems later in life. so he went and forgave his father. (His father never apologized for beating him or dragging him around with a collar around his neck.) But the husband felt that he no longer had that anger hanging over him.

    2. Friend working in Brunswick. She'd grown up with mother and father and brother in NJ. Father had big job at IBM. He had a 2nd family with girlfriend and kids, and was always gone on holidays. Her mother had boutique children's' store and paid most of the bills at home. Father dumped Ann and her family when she was in high school and went to NC to live with his "new" wife/oldgirlfriend and kids. When Ann graduated from college, he sent her a bill for her education. (She did not pay it.) when she was in a wreck after graduating, he called her in hospital and told her not to expect him to pay a cent. (She was working for VISTA teaching, so the govt paid.) When Ann was called by the 2nd wife and told that her father was dying of a brain tumor in NC, she was in her 50s and had not seen or heard from him for decades. Ann decided to go to NC and forgive her father. Again, he did not ask for forgiveness, just asked that she come see him. She said she felt a lot better when she did that, because she no longer had that bitterness and resentment in her mind.

    So you husband might want to go see his father for his own good, not for his father's benefit. I think my 2 friends did the right thing in their situations. But it's a decision each person has to make, and to live with for the rest of his life.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  8. #28
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2007
    Location
    TX
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    40,125

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    I would say, if DH doesn't want to go, honor his wishes.

    So what if he regrets it later, which he may not.
    When someone shows you what they can do to you, why gloss over it because they are dying?

    If the father really wants to make amends, it is not just a tall tale from the aunt, he could have called.
    If he is really mean, I would not trust him really not dumping again on the son if he has a chance and has him where he can't say anything without being rude.



  9. #29
    Join Date
    Feb. 25, 2011
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    So California
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    I don't know why you would want to nudge him gently. Make a list of reasons he should see his dad and tell him right out that you think he should go. You clearly do think he should or you wouldn't be addressing this issue. If it were me, I would take the boys to see their grandfather.

    I would put the list in two categories; reasons that a visit will be good for your husband and reasons that the visit will be good for his father. Maybe add a category of reasons it would be good for you and your sons. You are, after all, the man's daughter-in-law and the boys are his grandchildren. As far as that goes, does your husband have the right to deny your boys the chance to meet their grandfather? Your relationship with your father-in-law is another entity that really is independent of your husband's relationship with his father.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  10. #30
    Join Date
    May. 3, 2008
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    1,045

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    Not sure how old your kids are, but I wonder if your husband would agree to let you bring the kids so that their grandfather can meet them. Your kids may not be mature enough for something like that but it could mean the world his dying Dad. That also would allow the Dad to give you any message for your husband in the event that he's ready to hear it after the Dad passes away. It would involve you walking a very fine line and may not be doable but it's a thought.



  11. #31
    Join Date
    Aug. 26, 2012
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    136

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    I haven't read all of the responses, but having gone through something similar just a couple months ago, I think it would help everybody if he would decide to go and see his dad.
    My grandfather was absent for my entire life, I met him twice and my father had only talked to/seen him 5 times in the past 30 years. His dad kept in contact with his sisters, but not to him. It was found out in early July that my grandfather had lung cancer, at which he called my dad and told him that he had pneumonia and was in the hospital but would be out soon. He was released and then dropped contact with the family again. Towards the end of July, he was admitted into the ICU and had machines keeping him alive. My mother and uncle encouraged my dad to go and talk to my grandfather since it would probably be his last time seeing his dad. My dad chose not to go. My grandfather ended up making a "miraculous recovery" and the doctors all thought that he would completely recover and planned to release him from the hospital again, to which he would come and stay more local to where all my family lives. The day he was going to be released from the hospital, they found him dead in his room.

    I think that it still bothers my dad to this day (only a month and a half later) that he did not go and see his father just one more time. He has a lot of regrets about the entire situation and I definitely believe that if he had another chance, he would go and try to resolve some of what happened in the past or at least just see his dad and talk to him again.

    My entire family did go to the memorial service and it was difficult for all of us, especially hearing stories about my grandfather and never having known him.

    I think that it would help everybody, offer some closure, but it is ultimately his decision.



  12. #32
    Join Date
    Nov. 24, 2002
    Location
    Northern KY
    Posts
    4,457

    Default I'll weigh in..

    My husband has been estranged from his mother for 30 or so years. We've been married for 14. I've seen her exactly 3 times. I've never met two of his brothers or his sister. They are simply, based on the small interactions I've had with them, a cold, dysfunctional bunch of jerks. I used to "push" until his mother lied about something that was a deal breaker. She's a bit**, his brothers are jerks and his sister has lived within 2 miles of us and I've never met her.

    They all "uninvited" him from his younger brother's funeral.

    I don't push anymore, what I've realized is, when he said they weren't close and meant nothing to each other, he was telling me the truth.

    If his elderly mother died tomorrow, the only call we'd get would be to ask how much we're throwing in for the funeral, but oh, btw, don't bother to come.


    They are well out of his life, truly. Your husband realizes he's going to have to live with his decision.



  13. #33
    Join Date
    Jan. 19, 2000
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    Ellijay, GA
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    My kids are young...22 months and 4 months...so they have no idea whats going on. I have no idea where his father lives and I can tell you I would be in the hot seat if I took the kids without my husbands permission, it just wouldn't be good.

    I think he should see him for himself...to let go of some of the anger and just see him, just get it over with. He doesn't have to forgive him at all.

    I don't know this man, so I have no idea if he is "mean" or not...I don't know a thing about him other than the bits and pieces I have heard. To me, it sounds like his mom put him through a hell of a lot more than his Dad did during the divorce, but that his dad more or less abandon him once he decided he wanted to divorce his mom. I don't think either parent was right for what they did, but unless there is more to the story, and there may very well be, I don't see how one is any worse than the other, they both suck in my book.
    Busy Bee Farm, Ellijay, GA
    Never Ride Faster Than Your Guardian Angel Can Fly
    Way Back Texas~04/20/90-09/17/08
    Green Alligator "Captain"



  14. #34
    Join Date
    Mar. 4, 2007
    Location
    Western Washington
    Posts
    2,917

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    I didn't read any of the replies.

    Mom is a bully. She bullied her then-husband and she's bullying your DH now.

    You can't make your husband go, but I think you should strongly encourage it.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  15. #35
    Join Date
    Feb. 25, 2011
    Location
    So California
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    Quote Originally Posted by relocatedTXjumpr View Post
    My kids are young...22 months and 4 months...so they have no idea whats going on. I have no idea where his father lives and I can tell you I would be in the hot seat if I took the kids without my husbands permission, it just wouldn't be good.

    I think he should see him for himself...to let go of some of the anger and just see him, just get it over with. He doesn't have to forgive him at all.

    I don't know this man, so I have no idea if he is "mean" or not...I don't know a thing about him other than the bits and pieces I have heard. To me, it sounds like his mom put him through a hell of a lot more than his Dad did during the divorce, but that his dad more or less abandon him once he decided he wanted to divorce his mom. I don't think either parent was right for what they did, but unless there is more to the story, and there may very well be, I don't see how one is any worse than the other, they both suck in my book.
    My first reaction was to say, "Geez, you have to have your husband's PERMISSION to visit a family member? Do you live in Saudi Arabia?" ...but I know that is harsh, so I won't say it. Instead, I'll say, do YOU want to meet your father-in-law?

    You said your boys are so young they won't notice, so why would that bother your husband either way? I still think you should advise your husband to see his father, especially to forestall future regrets and because it is kind to a dying old man who, from your description, only erred in being less than perfect.

    I would want to meet my father-in-law, the grandfather of my sons, for the sake of my children and my own sake, however, you have not expressed interest in meeting him yourself whether or not your husband agrees so it is a moot point.


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  16. #36
    Join Date
    Jan. 19, 2000
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    Ellijay, GA
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    He is not my father...sure, I would like to meet him...but he is not MY father. I think it would be different had I known him prior and then not seen him for many years, then I could see sneaking behind my husbands back and taking the boys to see him...but Ive never met him, I have no history or relationship with him at all.

    And no, I don't need permission to do anything.
    Busy Bee Farm, Ellijay, GA
    Never Ride Faster Than Your Guardian Angel Can Fly
    Way Back Texas~04/20/90-09/17/08
    Green Alligator "Captain"


    1 members found this post helpful.

  17. #37
    Join Date
    Apr. 11, 2006
    Location
    Southern Ontario
    Posts
    1,072

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    Quote Originally Posted by Coreene View Post
    RTJ, you are a kind and good person.

    I would rather go and have it backfire than spend the rest of my life thinking "What if?"
    Yes to both statements. My SIL was estranged from her dad but was convinced to go see him before he died. No earth-shattering truths were revealed at that meeting, but it brought her far more peace than she ever expected. I wish the same for your husband.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  18. #38
    Join Date
    Feb. 20, 2010
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    All 'round Canadia
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    The kids are 4 and 22 months old - they won't get anything out of meeting the total stranger that it their grandfather. They 4 month old would never remember it, the 22 month old likely wouldn't either. Don't bring the kids, there's no real point, especially if it would cause friction between you and your husband.

    As to medical history, meh. You now know there's prostate cancer, but then again any man who lives long enough may get that. If you're really worried, why not ask the aunt for grandfather's contact info and call yourself? Don't hide it from your husband, but say that this was something important to you for your kids' benefit.
    If you do get him on the phone, maybe ask him to call hubby. Then again, maybe they're both equally stubborn.
    Proud Member Of The Lady Mafia



  19. #39
    Join Date
    Aug. 9, 2007
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    9,009

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    While many prostate cancer patients live long lives, some die. My uncle in Charleston died of prostate cancer in his 50s. Despite having the medical resources to go up to Sloan-Kettering in NYC, to M.D.Anderson in Texas, and to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota. so whether or not prostate cancer is fatal or not depends on the individual, the rate of growth of the cancer, and whether or not it is discovered in time for the radical prostatectomy to control it.



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