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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan. 19, 2000
    Location
    Ellijay, GA
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    6,057

    Default Husbands Father has stage 4 cancer...how do I gently nudge him to go see him?

    OK...I am torn here. I have been with my husband for 10 years, during that time I have NEVER met his father. His parents entered into a nasty divorce about the time he and I started dating...the divorce took 5 years and ended in an actual trial (I didn't know you could do that) and with my husbands mother putting her only son on the stand.

    I do not know the entire story, only bits and pieces as he has never talked about it. I do know that his mother is a bit of a bully and that neither parent should have acted towards their son the way they did...I also know his mother would be very upset if she ever found out her son spoke with or saw his father, which is not right. The man was never abusive in any way to either my husband or his mother, although he did have an affair.

    We found out about a year ago that his dad has prostate cancer. At that time, through family members, it was relayed to my husband that his dad "wanted to talk to him"...my husbands response was "oh, he waits until he is dying to want to talk and he has my number, he can call me", uhg. I agree that the Father should be an adult and make the call himself, but that's not going to happen.

    Monday I found out his Dad is in stage 5 and nearing the end. I really feel like he needs to at least call him or go see him. He doesn't have to forgive him or hold his hand, but just see him. I also feel like when he dies, he needs to go to the funeral.

    At the least, there are things we need to know medically...we have two boys, and if he has a history of cancer in his family, we need to know.

    I know his mother would go batty if she ever found out he saw his dad or even went to his funeral, which irritates me beyond words...SHE is the one who put her only child in the middle of this entire thing, but apparently that doesn't matter. I do know that he stopped speaking to his father because of his mothers requests and because of the trial itself.

    So...do I bring it up to him and give a gentle nudge...or do I just leave it alone. I am sure he knows his Dad is dieing, and I am sure he knows it would piss his Mother off to know end if he made contact, but I also think that he thinks if he sees him, its forgiving him of all of his wrong doing, which it most certainly is not.

    I have fought over this all week...do I tell him, do I not tell him? In the end he is a grown man and will do what he wants to do, but as is wife do I not need to offer words in regards to it?
    Last edited by relocatedTXjumpr; Aug. 30, 2013 at 08:43 PM.
    Busy Bee Farm, Ellijay, GA
    Never Ride Faster Than Your Guardian Angel Can Fly
    Way Back Texas~04/20/90-09/17/08
    Green Alligator "Captain"



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct. 12, 2005
    Location
    Va
    Posts
    4,988

    Default

    Nudge him!


    4 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan. 17, 2008
    Location
    Dutchess County, New York
    Posts
    4,444

    Default

    I'd say it is none of your mother-in-law's business if your husband speaks to his father or not.

    For your husband's sake I would ask him to think about what he would want to say to his father . . . because soon he will not have a choice about the matter.

    You know that saying about anger, that it is like drinking poison and expecting it to hurt the other person. Your husband may feel better if he sees his father one more time -- it may bring closure/peace/acceptance.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Aug. 9, 2000
    Location
    Weeks Poultry Colony - West
    Posts
    1,265

    Default

    My husband buried the hatchet when his own Dad was dying. This was a long time ago but he said that he was glad that his wife (at that time) encouraged him to at least go see his Father before it was too late. His Father passed away shortly after he went to see him. He said it was nice that he was able to have closure and not have any regrets about not going.

    Perhaps you can tell him what's on your mind about this and then your DH can make his own decision about what he wants to do.
    Libby

    There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness". - DAVE BARRY



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Nov. 23, 1999
    Location
    South Coast Plaza
    Posts
    20,504

    Default

    Tell him to put on his big boy pants and be the bigger person. Seriously.
    EDDIE WOULD GO


    9 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jan. 19, 2000
    Location
    Ellijay, GA
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    Default

    Thank you.
    My own mother was in a similar situation, although her Father was physically abusive.
    She said that when she heard he was dieing, she did go see him (my grandmother had passed many years prior)...she said she really didn't speak to him, I think he was unable to communicate at that point, but, she said she went just to show him she was ok, she turned out perfect even though he was such a bad man thanks to her Mother. She said she did it for herself, not for him, that in no way did she ever forgive him for what he had done, but she was not going to dwell on it any longer either. Seeing him was for HER, not for him.

    Since my husband has never opened up about the divorce, etc I have been afraid to bring this up...because I figured it he wanted me to know he would tell me. But, I think, for his sake, and the sake of his two boys, he needs to see him.
    Busy Bee Farm, Ellijay, GA
    Never Ride Faster Than Your Guardian Angel Can Fly
    Way Back Texas~04/20/90-09/17/08
    Green Alligator "Captain"


    1 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun. 1, 2002
    Location
    Indiana
    Posts
    11,905

    Default

    Go and see him. If he's an asshole then he will sleep sound knowing he doesn't have any regrets not speaking to him all these years.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Feb. 27, 2004
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    1,286

    Default

    Once someone is gone there is no finding out the answers to questions. It doesn't change anything but it can bring some closure. My son-in-law had had not contact with his father for 20 yrs, since age 9. At my nudging, my daughter did a bit of nudging and he made contact with his father. They have since developed their own relationship. My granddaughter is his only grandchild and there is still much antagonism between his mother and father. He's come to recognize that neither one is right or wrong, they are both very selfish. It has helped him come to an understanding about his childhood, and why it was they way it was and that he might not have liked it as much as he thought if they had stayed together.

    Don't nag, just nudge.



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    10,235

    Default

    I would tell him how you feel about it, but it's his decision to make. It would be sad to not see the father or go to the funeral, and maybe regret it later. However, it might be worse to go see the father, and not get a good reception either. It's a hard decision, but it is ultimately your husband's decision.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Aug. 28, 2007
    Location
    Triangle Area, NC
    Posts
    6,727

    Default

    Don't assume he will regret never speaking to his father again. It may indeed be healthiest if everyone just keeps their distance... Especially not knowing the full story on the divorce.
    www.destinationconsensusequus.com
    chaque pas est fait ensemble


    1 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jan. 19, 2000
    Location
    Ellijay, GA
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    Default

    When I say I don't know the full story...I don't know all of the details as to why it took so long and what the he said /she said was all about.

    I know they got divorced because his father had an affair and moved out. I do not know how long prior to him leaving he had been having this affair. I do know that his mother can not be an easy person to live with and isolated my husband from his father even while they were still married. Doesn't make having an affair right, I know. I know that when he left, he left my husband a note, although I am not sure what it said.
    Busy Bee Farm, Ellijay, GA
    Never Ride Faster Than Your Guardian Angel Can Fly
    Way Back Texas~04/20/90-09/17/08
    Green Alligator "Captain"


    1 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jul. 11, 2004
    Posts
    7,022

    Default

    Very sad, his mother is an evil woman and your husband is the victim. Kick mom to the curb and include the father. I'd worry about your husband's unwillingness to make his psycho-sounding mother unhappy....evil deserves to be alone, she qualifies.

    He really needs to see his father and not see his mother.
    "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"


    3 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Feb. 28, 2011
    Posts
    520

    Default

    Nudge. Right before he died, my father told me he loved me. I'm 44. It was the first and last time I ever heard him say those words. I'm glad I finally heard them.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Oct. 12, 2001
    Location
    Center of the Universe
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    7,806

    Default

    you know there is no such thing as "stage 5 cancer" right?

    Why would you want to go see someone you hate just because they are dying? to spit on them?


    1 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    10,235

    Default

    After OP's update, I would urge the husband to go see the father, because apparently the mother is the one that limited and estranged them. However, it will still have to be the husband's choice.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Oct. 22, 2003
    Posts
    1,907

    Default

    There's no such thing as Stage 5 cancer. Stage 4 is terminal.

    Someone extremely close to me has Stage 4 brain cancer. Butterfly glio. Glio is always 100% terminal, with survival measured in weeks or a few months even with aggressive treatment. So I know a little something about family and terminal cancer.

    This is really up to your husband. You don't know the full story. You do know mom is toxic, but you also don't know how toxic dad was. Maybe your husband really just does not care. Maybe he doesn't want to care.

    I would ask him if he wants to talk to his dad, and mention you know MIL won't like it... but will your husband have regrets if he doesn't take this last opportunity? If your husband says no, he won't have regrets, leave it alone. You might not understand it, you might not agree with it, but in the end, he's your husband, it's his father, and you have to support him in this even if you don't agree, understand or think it's the voodoo of his mother.

    I can tell you that even if it his mom's voodoo claws still in him emotionally you arguing with him over how he relates to his dying father is not the proper battleground, and you will only end up being the bad guy.

    A terminally ill family member is a whole strange area, and I would guess that one that has been estranged for some time, where bad feelings were harbored, is an even stranger area to struggle with.
    "The nice thing about memories is the good ones are stronger and linger longer than the bad and we sure have some incredibly good memories." - EverythingButWings



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Mar. 8, 2004
    Location
    Baltimore, MD
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    21,072

    Default

    I think your job is to support your husband decision, whatever that may be. Encourage him to explore his feelings in detail with you or with a therapist or both in the near future but if he comes to the realization that he doesn't want to see him there is nothing wrong with that. You admitted you don't know the whole story and there are some things that are unforgivable. Adding guilt on top of all the other emotions doesn't do anybody any good.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Jan. 19, 2000
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    Ellijay, GA
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    Default

    I have no experience with cancer, so when his Aunt said Stage 5 I didn't question it, so, I guess its stage 4 then.

    I am not going to argue with him about anything, I don't think I ever said I was going to hound him about it, I think my word of choice was "nudge". It is his decision in the end in regards to if he wants to see him or not. Sure, there is probably more to the story than I know, since I really only know the few bits I have been told and I have first hand experience with his mother.

    His mother is controlling and he knows it. He has very little to do with her these days.

    2 wrong don't make a right, what she did during the divorce was not acceptable and what his dad did during the marriage and to allow what happened during the divorce is not right, but that's not the question right now.
    Busy Bee Farm, Ellijay, GA
    Never Ride Faster Than Your Guardian Angel Can Fly
    Way Back Texas~04/20/90-09/17/08
    Green Alligator "Captain"


    1 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Dec. 1, 2012
    Location
    with Alfonso Spagoni, the toreador. NOT in a ticky tacky box!
    Posts
    102

    Default

    Don't nudge. Put him I'm the car & tell him you're going to the waterpark, ren fest, whatever's, then drive him over to daddy's. He doesn't need to forgive Dad, but he'll never forgive himself for not ha ing that goodbye.

    On the off chance he does make a stink, bring up getting a family histpry for the boys

    Good luck

    PS didn't read all responses,

    PPS You're better off asking forgiveness than permission
    Last edited by CopperFoxFarm; Aug. 30, 2013 at 09:04 PM. Reason: spelling & pps


    2 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Aug. 27, 2010
    Posts
    216

    Default

    Google is your friend. Prostate cancer seems to be graded 1-5, per WebMD: http://www.webmd.com/prostate-cancer...rostate-cancer

    Note that this does grading system does not have any reference to metastatic cancer, it only deals with what's showing in the prostate itself.

    So clarify whether or not this is metastatic cancer.

    My father died from cancer two months ago. My sister, who had been at odds with him for decades, patched up her relationship with him at the end, to the great relief of both father and daughter.



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