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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun. 22, 2001
    Location
    Coatesville, Pa.
    Posts
    5,461

    Default Having an emotional moment.....Patience deficiency. New conformation pics in last po

    I decided to put this out here for everyone because I am sure this applies to so many of us during any learning "process."

    Whether it's learning and mastering sitting the trot, or figuring out a new horse or conquering a fear. Some days you just feel low and want to vent/scream, hide, whatever.

    For me I am having a rough day because I let my hopes go up too high. Lunar, (Yardsale) has managed to go 3.5 days in a row with his stifle wound closed and dry. I told the vet and said I wasn't counting on anything and that we were maintaining the course in case at day 4 it may show signs of drainage again because of a reduced flow of synovial fluid the wound could take longer to open to allow any out. I said to my vet I wouldn't think we'd crested any kind of hump until I saw 4 days+ dry. Well this morning was day 4 and I was very optimistic... until I checked and saw the (literally) 3 drops of new fluid outside the wound. I am mentally and emotionally wrecked. I know realistically how close we are to healed. I know he needs time. I get all that. But the fears of fistulas, having to buy more bottles of Baytril like it's going out of style and the "what ifs" are just slamming into me right now.

    Like I said... the realism side is fine and in check. But the emotions.... roller coasters don't pitch and dive this much.

    I'm not asking for you guys to say "It'll be fine" because honestly we don't know if it will. I can hope and give him the best care, meds and attention, but that's about it.

    I just am tired. 45 days down and still not knowing if we will be able to make it.... Thousands of dollars in and one kind, but rammy stall bound pony makes it tough. He's tired of this and so am I. I just want him to be able to go out for grass not tied to me. It's that simple. I want him to have a quality of life again. And I hope we really are close to healed. 2 friends have had to put down their 2 horses in the past couple weeks and everytime I try to comfort them the back of my brain wonders... will he be next? And man I am going nuts.

    OK well thanks for listening.

    The latest pics of the wound are in the album:

    http://s103.photobucket.com/user/Xct...?sort=6&page=1


    They came up on Page 2, so you may need to click to go there to see them.

    ~Emily
    Last edited by Xctrygirl; Jun. 5, 2013 at 08:01 AM.
    "Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all." ~2001 The Princess Diaries



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct. 21, 2003
    Posts
    8,675

    Default

    I am so sorry. Sometimes it's just too much. I know what you are going through all too well, I still suffer from PTSD because of the 5 year ordeal I went through with my mare. I look back and don't know how I got through the 2 years of total hell; stifle surgery, then all the immune system complications after the surgery, followed by one of the worse cases of pigeon fever I have ever seen, only to finally be able to rehab her and discover she has a neurological disease?! 5 years of struggle, 2 years of it living hell, and I figure I spent over 100k in that time period.

    Wow, writing that out sucked.

    All that is to say that I know where you are coming from, to get to the point where all you feel like you can do is come on the internet and talk about it, or you might go crazy. That feeling that every time you get your hopes up, the worst is right around the corner.

    This horse thing is a sickness. My husband doesn't understand why on earth I torture myself.

    Finger crossed for your boy. And hugs to you.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan. 19, 2005
    Location
    PA
    Posts
    12,579

    Default

    Stop over thinking. Only advice I can give. Take it one day at a time. Many of have been there (or are there now).

    I have what is probably one of the fanciest yearlings I've EVER seen. He's out of my favorite mare and just a cool little guy. He has been in New Bolton TWICE this year...bone scan...every inch unltrasounded....and we still do not know what is wrong. We have been battling for months now. He hasn't gotten to the point I said we need to put him down...but DAMN close. If he had gone off his food or lost any of the brightness in his eyes...he would be dead. I'd reached the end of what I could do for him....and justify the expense and what he is going through. He's been on Batryil for what seems like forever....a long time (we get it compounded as a paste)....and that is what I consider cheap. It seems to be working...next blood test will tells us more but the numbers are heading in the right direction. We are also treating with probiotics, adaquan and legend. He is finally a bit better but certainly not out of the woods. He still can not move any where like he should be able to ......like the little reserve champion he was at his inspection. He can only go out for an hour or so before his body is too tired. I have no idea if he will recover enough to be a riding horse even...because we do not know what is wrong. Top vets can't figure it out...and we will likely not ever know.


    It is frustrating but it is horses. You take it day by day and don't let it work you up. Sounds like your boy is healing. View the good in that...and don't stress the details of how long. As long as they are not going backwards fast....I'm happy.

    Vent away if that helps! Then give him a hug and tell him to keep healing. Fingers crossed he will be out in his field soon.
    ** The difference between genius and stupidity is genius has its limits. -- Albert Einstein **



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan. 6, 2008
    Location
    Area II, the Blue Ridge Mountains
    Posts
    1,951

    Default

    Oh my. I am so sorry you are going through this. Many of us have been through something similar. My heart horse was on stall rest for a year, and the prognosis wasn't good. I was clinically depressed for the last six months, realizing that he probably wouldn't return to be my upper level star.

    It was a miracle that he recovered and is 100%, two years later. I look back on those months with a dim recollection of no sunshine, dreading the morning when I went to bed at night, and watching him waste away in muscle tone and spirit. I don't wish that on anybody. It was hell. We had times where he looked good, then other times where my vet would shake his head and pat me on the shoulder. The roller coaster of emotions was what got me. If I had KNOWN that his career was over, I could have coped much better.

    We humans thrive on being able to know what comes next. It is woven into our being. And injured/sick horses play into that in the worst of ways.

    hugs to you and please know that you are reacting the way anyone would who loves, needs, cherishes, and cares for their horse. Some day, you will look back on this as the dark months of hell that came to an end... and life will be normal. I hope hope hope that your horse will recover 100%.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    May. 16, 2003
    Posts
    1,882

    Default

    Responding as a current resident of hand-grazing hell, I unfortunately get it. Sorry you're there too. He's lucky to have you. I'll try to give you a call tonight if I have any reception and we can comiserate.



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Oct. 30, 2008
    Posts
    3,118

    Default

    Lots and lots and lots of (((((hugs)))) and jingles.
    Flip a coin. It's not what side lands that matters, but what side you were hoping for when the coin was still in the air.

    You call it boxed wine. I call it carboardeaux.



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Mar. 1, 2003
    Location
    Happily in Canada
    Posts
    4,785

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Xctrygirl View Post
    I decided to put this out here for everyone because I am sure this applies to so many of us during any learning "process."

    Whether it's learning and mastering sitting the trot, or figuring out a new horse or conquering a fear. Some days you just feel low and want to vent/scream, hide, whatever.
    I think you got this exactly right. There are days when I wonder why we do this!! And then remind myself, there is a reason the saying is "blood, sweat and tears."

    Sorry to hear you are going through one of the downs of eventing/horse ownership. Hope you can start riding a high again soon.
    Blugal

    You never know what kind of obsessive compulsive crazy person you are until another person imitates your behaviour at a three-day. --Gry2Yng



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Feb. 28, 2005
    Location
    On the Maryland Side of the Beltway
    Posts
    1,354

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Xctrygirl View Post
    Like I said... the realism side is fine and in check. But the emotions.... roller coasters don't pitch and dive this much.

    I'm not asking for you guys to say "It'll be fine" because honestly we don't know if it will. I can hope and give him the best care, meds and attention, but that's about it.

    I just am tired. 45 days down and still not knowing if we will be able to make it.... Thousands of dollars in and one kind, but rammy stall bound pony makes it tough. He's tired of this and so am I. I just want him to be able to go out for grass not tied to me. It's that simple. I want him to have a quality of life again. And I hope we really are close to healed. 2 friends have had to put down their 2 horses in the past couple weeks and everytime I try to comfort them the back of my brain wonders... will he be next? And man I am going nuts.

    OK well thanks for listening.

    ~Emily
    Hang in there - the emotional rollercoaster, the stall rest, the anticipation of what you're going to see every day when you change the bandage...it sucks. No two words about it...it just plain sucks.

    I feel your pain - I have a very accident prone TB who spent 60+ days on stall rest for a large leg wound that got a scary drug-resistant wound infection...even after the 60+ days in, the wound required daily management and didn't close fully for almost 6 months. Three weeks after getting off stall rest for his wound infection, he was kicked in the pasture and earned another 6months of stall rest for a crack in his tibia...and that was 6 months of strict stall rest...no coming out even to have his stall cleaned...and being told by the vet that one wrong step could lead to a catastrophic injury. We rehabbed from the tibia injury only to mail off an entry for our first little show back - only to come out the next day to find a puncture wound in his elbow that I could stick my whole finger into and touch the joint. The months and months of antibiotics, wrapping, dressing changes, sterilizing everything, etc. got old...and I was tired. I remember the fear every day that I would get a call from the barn that he's spiked a fever...or taken that dreaded bad step on the tibia fracture. There were many days I wondered what it was all for and what he was going to be like when...and if...everything healed.

    We were lucky...it did...and, OP, you met the horse this weekend at the MHR show. We were standing next to you guys by the jumper ring...and you complimented us on our stickability after the horse and I had a "disagreement" about the last jump in the power and speed class If you're going to be in Lexington next weekend, I'm happy to buy you a beer and swap ugly horse wound photos

    The whole experience reinforced with me that horses are heartbreakers...and that, good day or bad day in the saddle, being able to ride him at all after all his ordeals is a huge gift...the next injury or accident may be just around the corner, but I'm going to enjoy the time with him today.
    ~Drafties Clique~Sprite's Mom~ASB-loving eventer~
    www.gianthorse.photoreflect.com ~ http://photobucket.com/albums/v692/tarheelmd07/


    1 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2006
    Posts
    1,911

    Default

    Oh can I relate... My mare's loss of vision damn near did me in emotionally. Horse health issues are so emotionally draining, we love them and want them to feel better.

    I remember reading on here while being really upset about my one gelding's NQR hind end lameness... About how sometimes you have to just turn them out and stop looking. Because it will drive you nuts. I obviously do not suggest this with Lunar, but if I were you I would stop setting bench marks. Just let every day happen and one day you'll just be happy he is better. I kind of had to shut my brain off and go through the motions of treatment for a while, so it wasn't so overwhelming.

    Jingles for Lunar and hugs for you, you're totally justified in how you feel and a damn good egg for taking such awesome care of him, I think it will repay you in spades.



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Feb. 14, 2008
    Posts
    924

    Default

    I'm sorry Em!!

    I feel for you, Jack has now coliced 3 times since Feb. His hindend is not getting stronger, the vet has thrown words like EPM around. I am spending tons of money on a horse I don't even ride!! ( he is 1/2 leased to "save me some money") Now the kid wants to take him to events that were for my trainer to take him to. I feel like this was all a mistake and will most likely pull the plug soon. Anyway I digress.
    I am here for you! If you need anything let me know. Jingles for all of you guys!



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Nov. 12, 2001
    Location
    Dry Ridge, KY USA
    Posts
    3,103

    Default

    Emily, I am so sorry that you are going through this with your Lunar. Sending major jingles and prayers for both of you to be able to cope and him to heal.
    When in Doubt, let your horse do the Thinking!



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jan. 23, 2004
    Location
    Camden, De
    Posts
    3,611

    Default

    I totally get that feeling. I swear that Letterman has been broken 3/4 of the time that I have owned him. 4 months recovering from fractured splint #1. 5 months for fractured splint #2. He is the worst patient in the whole entire world and to keep him from self destructing he will be on solo turnout only. There were times during the stall rest when I seriously just didn't want to deal with him for another day. I felt like my whole life revolved around hand walking, cold hosing, wrapping and surpass. I thought it would never end but it did and honestly even though I have a bunch of other horses to ride, I smile every time I ride him. I had the best ride tonight when the farm was quiet and it was just him and I out there. I stopped to think about how far we had come and what an enjoyable horse he is to ride (most of the time). It makes all that time seem worth it. I will hope for good healing thoughts for Lunar.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jun. 22, 2001
    Location
    Coatesville, Pa.
    Posts
    5,461

    Default

    I cannot thank you all enough. You guys made me feel so much better. I mean I know tons of folks go through stuff like this, but in the thick of it you feel alone and isolated. Thanks for sharing your stories....and man do I feel like a whiny wuss. You all are AMAZING. Lunar is lucky but your horse are truly blessed.

    John came out to the barn tonight and got a few nice Pics of Lunar and I. I have never gotten a good full body shot so finally I have some.

    Here are the links of pics of just us.... No gooey leg shots! I have to say it really raised my spirits to have him hauling me around on the grass, occasionally rearing and trying to eat as much grass as possible. He definitely didn't see the value of the pictures but he did a great job. The vet does his next check up tomorrow. We'll see what she says.

    Emily

    New Pics: http://s103.photobucket.com/user/Xct...?sort=3&page=1
    "Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all." ~2001 The Princess Diaries



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jun. 25, 2004
    Location
    Carolinas
    Posts
    4,696

    Default

    Totally understand. It seems the more special they are, the more ugly accident prone they are. Good luck!
    "Never do anything that you have to explain twice to the paramedics."
    Courtesy my cousin Tim



  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jan. 5, 2006
    Location
    Atlanta
    Posts
    5,053

    Default

    You are most definitely not alone. You have all of my sympathy, empathy, and understanding. I, too, have wondered why I do this... and then there are also the days when you do know why you do it. All you can do is take it one day at a time.

    My partner wrote a blog post about something like this-- I thought her words were very wise:
    http://sporthorseriders.com/2013/05/...cusing-part-2/



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Nov. 3, 2003
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    2,159

    Default

    I have totally been there and am in the middle of one on long term stall rest right now. Having a horse on stall rest is draining and stressful for horse AND owner. I board, so I drive there in the morning before work, and am out there for several hours every night. The minute I arrive, my horse starts nickering and having a little tamtrum to get out of her stall. So you feel like you are the only "bright moment" of their day (ugh--which makes you feel horribly guilty when you leave).

    Hand walking 3-4 times per day + icing + hand grazing, on top of my full time job has made my schedule absolutely devoid of flexibility. Other boarders at the barn are supportive (verbally) but very few of them are actually willing to lend a hand. Partly because they don't want to handle a horse that is a little "pent up" and might do something stupid under their watch. So that adds to the pressure of having to do all of the care myself.

    We are 8 days from our recheck appointment after 8 weeks on stall rest. And, even if the checkup is good, we will still continue on stall rest--but now the rehab under saddle will start. We have many more months ahead of us of slow progress. Like someone else said--try to take it one day at a time.



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