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  1. #1
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    Aug. 28, 2007
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    Default A Hail Mary relationship fix- anyone done this?

    Have you ever gone from living with your SO, to deliberately living apart so that one person in the relationship could sort their life out (think career, life purpose, finances, life responsibility)? How did it go?
    www.destinationconsensusequus.com
    chaque pas est fait ensemble



  2. #2
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    Jun. 24, 2005
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    Default

    The few people I know that have separated, either to have a rest period, or (I hate this phrase) "to find myself, but I'll come home soon", have all eventually divorced. I do know some who led separate lives because one had a substance abuse problem, or other severe problem, and refused to change or deal with it, and the condition for going back was joint counseling and therapy or recovery taking place-none of those lasted either.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    2 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
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    Nov. 20, 2008
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    PA
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    My Fiance just mentioned to me for the first time today (very timely for your question) that his best friend and his now-wife did this while they were still dating. The guy actually had to get his own life straight (he was very successful career-wise, but a hot mess in his personal life). His now-wife said to him, "Look. I can't live like this. You take the time to get your sh!t straight, then give me a call." She moved back in with her parents for a significant length of time (my Fiance said it was "months" but he isn't sure how many) until the guy called and they picked up where they left off.

    These two have been married for at least 3 years now and have a baby. I do not know how happy they are per-say... I know they are still very much together and married. I also know the last time I saw them (the holidays) there was a ton of tension between them. Was it just a bad day? It very well could have been - I do not know. My Fiance thought it was something more, but you know guys - they don't talk about that stuff with each other, so it isn't like his friend had told him that or anything.

    Best of luck to you or whomever this post is about. Relationships are SO not easy!



  4. #4
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    Default

    my mom left my dad for about a year about 25 years ago when I was in high school. She took the time to go to therapy and claim her own crap then made a clear choice to come back and they've been very happy ever since.

    I think a break can help a lot; sometimes when it's all so close you can't see forests for the trees...



  5. #5
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    Nov. 8, 2005
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    NC
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    Default

    The only time I ever knew someone to "want some space" I think it was because the bed would have been too crowded with three people.
    "Things should be as simple as possible,
    but no simpler." - Einstein

    “So what’s with the years of lessons? You still can’t ride a damn horse?!”


    5 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
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    Feb. 7, 2005
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    Default

    I know a couple (parents of a friend) who separated and were actually planning on divorcing. It happened after one of them had a serious medical crisis so maybe there was some reevaluating of life going on. I don't know what happened in the time when they were apart, but whatever it was helped because they are back together now and have been for several years.



  7. #7
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    Apr. 16, 2010
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    MI
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    Default

    My boyfriend's upstairs neighbor, a woman in her 50's, moved here about a year ago when she left the house she and her husband owned. Just recently, within the last month or so, she let us know that she and her husband (who was always referred to as her husband, never her ex) had worked things out and decided to move back in together. As I type, she is vacuuming her empty "bachelorette" apartment.

    I also have a friend my age (late 20's) who had been living with her SO. They hit a rocky patch and "took a break" which came shortly before the end of the lease. The following year, they lived apart in the same town, but did end up getting back together. The future of that relationship remains to be seen.

    Just depends on the individuals, their feelings about the relationship, the reason behind the change in living situation, and their commitment to a shared goal.



  8. #8
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    Default

    I figure I should update! I've received several very kind PMs since the last OT day. It's been reassuring to know my experiences aren't unique.
    Well it's been about a month apart, and I now realize its the right decision. If anything it's reaffirmed that we love each other... And also validated that he's got some life stuff to sort out.
    I've been reconnecting with ME and enjoying the house to myself. While two states away now (he's w his parents) we talk every day. Ha! We probably share more now that we are apart.

    Will he take the steps to grow as a person and be an equal partner in this relationship? Time will tell. He's so wonderful in all other aspects, so it's worth seeing it through.

    If nothing else it's helped me define the difference between codependency and love.
    www.destinationconsensusequus.com
    chaque pas est fait ensemble


    8 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
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    Jan. 5, 2009
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    Southern Colorado
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    Default

    Marriage sabbaticals seems to be the pop psych term. I have seemingly been in the midst of one when hubby took a job in a town 2 1/2 hours away. I work and live "here", he lives and works "there". It has helped our marriage I think. Although financially it stinks. I still get caught up in the thoughts of, "well you chose to move". We communicate better now but it has been a slow process.



  10. #10
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    Jul. 20, 1999
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    CA
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    Default

    What's the draw to a (presumably adult) man who still lives with his parents?



  11. #11
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    Oct. 26, 2010
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    Default

    If my hubby suggested that, I'd be divorced by tomorrow afternoon. I just asked hubby what he would say (he's sitting here next to me, watching TV) if I said that to him and he said he'd see me at the courthouse the soonest he could get there, would beat me there in fact.

    To me, if you have to work at a marriage or relationship, it's not working. I've had the 'work at a marriage' marriage and I can safely say, to my mind, the one I have now is so much easier to deal with and figure out. There isn't anything to figure out, we want to be with each other, not have to.

    So, to me, if you have to do something like in the OP, things aren't working. Go cut another horse out of the herd. But that's just me and my hubby.
    GR24's Musing #19 - Save the tatas!!


    2 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
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    Jul. 13, 2011
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    East Longmeadow, MA
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    Default

    As OP knows, I am in the middle of this right now. Mr. OR has some IS-SHEWS he needs to work on. We are going to counseling - first I met with her, then he met with her, next week we will start sessions together. I honestly don't know what I want - for it to work or a divorce. He keeps begging me to let him move back in but I honestly think that would be totally counterproductive.
    What's wrong with you?? Your cheese done slid off its cracker?!?!



  13. #13
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    May. 11, 2007
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    Quote Originally Posted by oliverreed View Post
    As OP knows, I am in the middle of this right now. Mr. OR has some IS-SHEWS he needs to work on. We are going to counseling - first I met with her, then he met with her, next week we will start sessions together. I honestly don't know what I want - for it to work or a divorce. He keeps begging me to let him move back in but I honestly think that would be totally counterproductive.
    That was DH and I last year. We are still working on things.

    I found out that the person leaving is risking the possibility that the one they have to get away from may actually grow to like the arrangement.



  14. #14
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    Sep. 20, 2005
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    My husband and I live apart, but for career reasons, not relationship reasons.

    I moved 900 miles away in January (before we were married) for a huge career opportunity. He had to stay put because he is finishing up his Master's degree.

    We got married in May, mostly because I planned a May wedding before I knew I would be moving.

    So now we're married and we live 900 miles apart, and will continue to do so until he graduates in December.

    It sucks, but it isn't the end of the world. And it certainly isn't the end of our marriage. If anything, I think we will be stronger because of it.

    Not exactly like your situation, OP, but it can be done...
    "Are you yawning? You don't ride well enough to yawn. I can yawn, because I ride better than you. Meredith Michael Beerbaum can yawn. But you? Not so much..."
    -George Morris



  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sail Away View Post
    That was DH and I last year. We are still working on things.

    I found out that the person leaving is risking the possibility that the one they have to get away from may actually grow to like the arrangement.
    He is the one who left, I own the house outright and bought it before we met. So yeah, I am SURE he is feeling that the more time we spend apart the more I will like it. Lived alone for aeons before we met, I am very comfortable alone.
    What's wrong with you?? Your cheese done slid off its cracker?!?!



  16. #16
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Sail Away View Post

    I found out that the person leaving is risking the possibility that the one they have to get away from may actually grow to like the arrangement.
    I think this may be linked to the fact that at least in my case I enforced a boundary and broke some of the codependency that was strutting around in my mind as love. The more we are apart, the more I realize yes I love him, but I can be happy without him too.
    I do think that scares him.
    www.destinationconsensusequus.com
    chaque pas est fait ensemble



  17. #17
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    Apr. 16, 2005
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    Quote Originally Posted by SaturdayNightLive View Post
    My husband and I live apart, but for career reasons, not relationship reasons.

    I moved 900 miles away in January (before we were married) for a huge career opportunity. He had to stay put because he is finishing up his Master's degree.

    We got married in May, mostly because I planned a May wedding before I knew I would be moving.

    So now we're married and we live 900 miles apart, and will continue to do so until he graduates in December.

    It sucks, but it isn't the end of the world. And it certainly isn't the end of our marriage. If anything, I think we will be stronger because of it.

    Not exactly like your situation, OP, but it can be done...
    Hubby and I are in a similar situation. He works out of state. Job opportunity he couldn't pass up. I wasn't able (nor wanted) to move there. So he is gone Mon-Fri every week. Home most weekends unless something blows up at work, etc. We do go on vacation twice a year for a week or so. To have that "connection" time together. It's not ideal, but it works. He's been doing this about 3 1/2 years now.

    We have always been pretty independent people so it hasn't made that much of a difference. We both have full time jobs (Mon-Fri)and then I have my horse and he had his hobby (martial arts). So most week nights, we saw each other enough to eat some dinner, watch a little bit of TV and go to bed. We spent more time together on the weekends. Which is what we do now. So again, it didn't change our lives too much. I do talk to him every night. I think in many ways, it's made our relationship better. Our weekend time is more quality now. The only time it's a real issue is when something goes majorly wrong here at home. And we had to make a few other adjustments and hire a few services since our time is limited.

    This won't be forever. He will make it back home at some point. Just not sure when.



  18. #18
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    Feb. 22, 2005
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    It may not be the exact scenario, OP, but I left my boyfriend of 2 years when we graduated from college and moved 2 states away to take a job. I think I might have told him to his face that he wasn't invited... that this was something I needed to do on my own, for me. I needed to know that I could live on my own, be my own person, make my own friends, and succeed on my own. My thought process was influenced by my parents who were in the middle of a divorce after 35 years of marriage. I did not want to wake up one day in my mother's shoes and only then doing things on my own at 60 years old. I needed to figure out what I wanted out of life and I needed to do it on my own terms.

    I lasted a year, which was what my work contract was. But it was within a few months after leaving that I realized how big of a mistake I had made. After that year was up, I quit my job and moved back to be with him, because I had figured out that he was what I wanted. We bought a house a year later and married the year after that. We've now been married 7 years and together 12.

    I do not agree with the train of thought that if a marriage takes work then it is not working. I love my DH. He is who I want to be with forever and he feels the same about me. However, it's one of the hardest things we have ever done for so many reasons. Marriages take a lot of shapes and forms, and DH and I have a very strong marriage in part because we work together to make that happen. It's a top priority for the both of us. We also don't have kids and I am told that actually makes things easier.

    For me, leaving was one of the best things I have ever done for our relationship. I had the chance to be my own person, figure out who I was, and what I wanted in life and love. DH disagrees, (which I can understand because I did break his heart when I left) but he understands now that I just needed time.

    Good luck, OP. There is no right or wrong answer.
    Dreaming in Color



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