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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun. 12, 2006
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    Ontario
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    671

    Default How long to grieve?

    My nana passed away April 1 after a few years of illness and, at the end, cancer. She was 2 weeks short of her 90th birthday. So it was not unexpected, or sudden, and I was and am glad she is now at peace and no longer in pain.

    I still (like tonight) have uncontrollable sobbing fits and have felt, for lack of a better term, depressed since her death. I have had other family members pass away, but none who I was as close to as her. How long can I expect this to last? It is agonizing and, frankly, sucks. I'd like to not be so sad anymore



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb. 13, 2007
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    Down on the Farm
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    Default

    It hasn't been very long...and I'm sorry for your loss.

    I lost my Nana 3 yrs ago (so hard to believe it's been that long). Although she was 97, it was sudden and unexpected in a way. She had an infection and died within a week. I was also extremely close to her, and considered her my best friend. We had a special bond and it didn't matter that she was just my grandmother. I grieved, I prayed, and I know that she is at peace and was ready, just didn't make it any easier for me. I missed picking up the phone and talking to her, going to visit and knowing she was around.

    I still miss her terribly, but over time I've gotton somewhat used to it. There are still times (at least once a week) that I say outloud that I wish I could call her, instead I "talk" to her (she was always so interested in what was going on in my life). I know she is watching and listening, and that gives me comfort. Just remember that this is someone you've known your entire life, I havent lost a parent yet but know I will have to go through this again. It takes time but does get easier.



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov. 20, 2010
    Location
    Upstate New York
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    Default

    You know, I don't know if there is a specific time - it is different for each individual and each relationship. But I think you might do well to see a counselor to give you some advice for dealing with this. Just one or two visits might give you some great ideas for how to cope.

    So sorry for your loss of your Nana. For me, it always helps to boost my spirits to take a blood pumping walk in a nice area. Get out and smell the spring/summer flowers, go to a park, zoo, the barn! "Move a muscle, change a thought." Although if it isn't too tough, you might even try going by a place that was special to the two of you, to take in that special feeling you had, and feel close again.

    Sending hugs!
    Being right half the time beats being half-right all the time. Malcolm Forbes


    2 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov. 24, 2010
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    557

    Default

    I am so sorry for your loss.

    I don't think there is any set time limit for grieving. I do think, as Acertainsmile says, that it will get easier with time. That has been my experience.

    I also know that in my experience, even after years have passed, something can trigger a memory and bring on the tears again. Not as many as at first, maybe, and maybe not quite as bitterly painful, but still there.

    Love doesn't die, so you can still feel. ... Thank goodness.
    RoanPonyMare


    2 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep. 4, 2012
    Location
    Southeast US
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    Default

    I'm sorry for your loss. I think even when the person has had a long life and has been ill for a long time, the loss is still difficult.

    I'm also sorry to give you a complete non-answer to your question, but in my experience, everyone grieves differently and there is no set amount of time. Also, I think what helps you cope and recover is different for everyone, too. After a death in my immediate family 2 years ago, I think each of us reacted and recovered differently.

    But, it's only been 2 months since your nana passed and that isn't really very long, especially for someone you were close to.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Nov. 24, 2012
    Location
    New York, NY
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    Default

    There is no timetable to emotions, just feel what you are feeling, without worrying about WHAT you're feeling. If that makes sense? Like, don't feel like "you should get over it" because that will just push things down farther.

    It is almost two years since I lost my sister and I still cry several times a week. I no longer cry for her, but for me and my family. I miss her, my mom isn't the same anymore and it is still hard for me to fathom a future without her. But it's one day at a time, one hour at a time, sometimes one minute at a time.

    Check into support groups or even a counselor. I couldn't do the groups because its very hard for me to open up in front of people. I am too good on putting on a front- but I saw a counselor for a long time, for grief, for depression and trying to cope. I might start again, I'm not sure, we moved so far away that idk if I'll find another one I can talk to.



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2001
    Location
    Packing my bags
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    31,892

    Default

    My sister passed away 5 years ago.
    The first two years were rough on my family.
    It got easier over time, but there are still days when it hits me like a ton of bricks.

    Convention gives you a year, but my Doc (not a shrink, just an all around cool woman) suggested it takes more like 2 years. And I found her to be right.

    There is not set time table, but I suppose when it lasts longer in severity than a year or two, one might consider help.

    But in your case, this is still fresh and raw. There is no sense in holding it all in.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Sep. 11, 2008
    Location
    Snohomish, WA
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    Default

    I'm sorry for your loss. I agree with this - it just takes as long as it takes -but it does get better. ((hugs))


    Quote Originally Posted by NoSuchPerson View Post
    I'm sorry for your loss. I think even when the person has had a long life and has been ill for a long time, the loss is still difficult.

    I'm also sorry to give you a complete non-answer to your question, but in my experience, everyone grieves differently and there is no set amount of time. Also, I think what helps you cope and recover is different for everyone, too. After a death in my immediate family 2 years ago, I think each of us reacted and recovered differently.

    But, it's only been 2 months since your nana passed and that isn't really very long, especially for someone you were close to.



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Apr. 20, 2011
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    Default

    I've lost both of my parents-- my dad first, then a few years later, mom.

    I have to say the first year was absolutely the worst. all the firsts-- my birthday, his birthday, father's day, etc, were just heartbreaking days that I wanted to just stay in bed.

    someone said to me-- remember their lives as well as their deaths, and that really helped. so, when I'm feeling sad and missing them, I try really hard to remember some funny time. My dad was a quirky guy, so I go to a memory that would have us all laughing about something silly he did. As for mom, she and I shared some special times after dad passed, so I try to go to those memories.

    all of that being said, it is a very short time, and you do have to feel your feelings. don't try to stuff them down,they will just boil up and out at what might seem like inappropriate times. I went for long drives and just cried and cried when I really needed to.

    last, but certainly not least, I am SO sorry for your loss, and am sending you lots of healing hugs!!



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Mar. 8, 2004
    Location
    Baltimore, MD
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    Default

    Grieve until it doesn't suit you anymore then set it aside. If you get to that point and aren't able to do that alone don't hesitate to ask for help from a therapist. Godspeed.



  11. #11
    Join Date
    May. 11, 2004
    Posts
    2,355

    Default

    Mmmm lets see

    Mom died in mmm 97 or 98 well have to check.
    Granny in 82 only remember because I graduated HS that year.
    Grampa in 90
    Uncle Paul mom twin 6yrs ago.

    While going through my box o stuff aka geanology stuff I'll come across a pic of any of those loved one and the tears come and take forever to stop.
    Or I will go in to my breakfront ad see my Grandfathers flute, and ball my eyes out.. Why.. he and I both played the flute and he had hoped I would go to Kent State and be in their band and play his flute. Then donate it to them. He was the original flute player and drum major of their marching band. I ended going to Ohio state... I still have his flute.
    Friend of bar .ka



  12. #12
    Join Date
    May. 26, 2013
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    11

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Tuesday's Child View Post
    How long can I expect this to last? It is agonizing and, frankly, sucks. I'd like to not be so sad anymore
    I'm sorry you lost your Nana. It does suck, but it will get better. It's better just to feel what you feel, and acknowledge it, than push it down and refuse to feel it, because it will come back to bite you later if you do that.

    If there is a Hospice group nearby, you could check into seeing if they have a grief support group. It can be really helpful to be with a group and a counselor and know that you are not alone.

    It will get better over time. Just take it day by day.



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jul. 15, 2003
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    2,638

    Default

    As long as it takes.

    Right now, the wound is fresh and you miss your Nana terribly. Sometimes it helps to write a little letter to your loved one and explain all the feelings that are there.

    I'm sorry about the loss of your Nana, and may the good memories be your comfort.
    Don't tell me about what you can't do. That's boring. Show me what you can do. - Mom



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jun. 18, 2005
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    Sweet, sweet Virginia!
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    Default

    This. My grandma died 16 years ago and I'll still have moments of tearing up and "I wish Grandma was here." When I got married 2 years ago, it really triggered it. We even did wedding photos at her place so she could "see" us and I wore her photo in a locket.

    It will get easier, but don't set yourself a time limit to feel better. It's gonna come & go and everyone's different.
    Quote Originally Posted by RPM View Post
    I am so sorry for your loss.

    I don't think there is any set time limit for grieving. I do think, as Acertainsmile says, that it will get easier with time. That has been my experience.

    I also know that in my experience, even after years have passed, something can trigger a memory and bring on the tears again. Not as many as at first, maybe, and maybe not quite as bitterly painful, but still there.

    Love doesn't die, so you can still feel. ... Thank goodness.
    "Radar, the man's ex-cavalry: if he sees four flies having a meeting, he knows they're talking about a horse!" Cptn. BJ Hunnicutt, M*A*S*H Season 4, Episode "Dear Mildred"



  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jun. 12, 2006
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    Ontario
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    Default

    Thank you all for the hugs and support, it means a lot. I think I had a week or two that was good, and then yesterday hit me like a ton of bricks out of nowhere, so it threw me for a loop.

    It helps to hear some of you say not to push my feelings down - I have a tendency to do that, I hate to cry and I don't show my emotions to a lot of people. But her death has helped me realize the importance of friends and family, and that I have wonderful people in my life who will be there for me if I need them. That's been a good lesson for me.

    Big hugs to all of you who have also experienced the loss of loved ones <3


    2 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Sep. 2, 2008
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    Greeley, Colorado
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    Hugs to you (and everyone who's lost loved ones). Everyone grieves differently so there is no set time frame.

    I lost my mom somewhat unexpectedly in August of 2010. She was only 52 and I was 23. I'm an only child and my mom was my very best friend. I still openly grieve her loss sometimes. Typing this now the tears and flowing and it will probably be a while until they stop.
    **Friend of bar.ka**

    Fils Du Reverdy (Revy)- 1993 Selle Francais Gelding
    My equine soulmate



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Jul. 21, 2011
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    Co
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    Default

    It does take time. It will get better.
    1- 2 years is often the point when your grief will stop being so raw and agonizing. It will never be "good" but it will be less awful.

    Let yourself grieve, it is painful, but it is normal and it will become easier, promise.


    1 members found this post helpful.

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