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  1. #1

    Default perspectives? advice?

    This will be a long post - I apologize for the length, but really need to get this off my chest. If anyone has a different perspective to add or any advice, I'd appreciate it! If there is any further clarification necessary, I'll do my best.

    When I met husband's parents, they were friendly and supportive. They weren't people I would ever see myself being best friends with, but we could all be pleasant easily. They had a few quirks, but I figured everyone has quirks, no big deal. To be honest, the hardest sticking point I had with them was that they are not very educated, see no reason to educate themselves and firmly believe/propagate every old wives tale I've ever heard. I really dislike people who are elitist/snobbish, so I figured this would be a good point for me to put physical action behind my beliefs and I tried to go out of my way to be helpful/pleasant and bite my tongue when they spouted off with some wierd anecdote. (Examples - they believe you can deworm horses by feeding them cigarettes, that animals can only get lice/mange if they're born with it and that dogs can't learn once they're older than 3.)

    For the first 2-3 years after we got married, they got progressively wierder and wierder, until we reached a point where they got so bad husband put his foot down and told them that until they could be civil and courteous, we would not see them again. This caused them to radically change their behavior and they made what seemed to be genuine attempts to be pleasant. We both figured 'okay, maybe this actually worked'.

    Over the next year-ish, we seemed to be developing a fairly good set of boundaries with them and they seemed to be respecting them. They never acknowledge when they do something wrong, just get huffy and start swearing or go sulk in a corner somewhere.

    Things were getting even better in terms of managing the relationship on our terms, then in the same week my husband and MIL lost their jobs because the companies they worked for went bankrupt and closed. My FIL was fired from his job a week later.

    Hubby and I had been in the process of purchasing a house, then when he lost his job we were scrambling to figure out where to live. We hadn't renewed our lease since things had been lined up to move into "our" house as our lease ended and our landlord had already rented to place to someone else. We couldn't find anywhere that would rent to us with the pets we have, the in-laws thought they were going to lose their house because they had no income coming in, so they asked us if we would consider moving in with them.

    We had serious doubts, but agreed to hear them out one night. Turned out they had no savings at all - they weren't making much before they lost their jobs and instead of budgeting an amount to put into savings every month, they were spending it on stuff like candy, snacks and DVDs! Because we couldn't find a place on such short notice and we didn't want them to lose their house, we agreed to move in. The original deal was that we'd pay for the mortgage and utilites but they would need to cover their own food expenses as they are really particular about their food and have awful eating habits I refused to finance. We initially estimated 3-6 months, as we figured it would take that amount of time for hubby to get another job and enough time at the job that we could get paperwork going to purchase a house.

    About a month after we moved in, everything was going surprisingly well. They try a few snippy comments about never seeing me, I remind them I'm the one working to keep their roof over their heads and they subside. Then, one day, we get a knock on the door and see 3 men in suits accompanied by a uniformed police officer. They ask to talk to FIL alone, then came and quizzed each of us separately. Turned out FIL was fired from his job for harassing his coworkers (several of them reported not feeling safe around him to the point that they wouldn't be in rooms alone with him and walked around in pairs!) and making threats against people!

    After the police left, we called him on the carpet for his behavior and he denied everything - he STILL denies everything! He will literally look at you with this puzzled expression and swear up and down that he wasn't fired for harrassment, the police never came to the house, etc.

    I was completely shocked, then furious. Not only is harrassment/making threats, completely unacceptable behavior, the timing makes me believe he deliberately got himself fired! (What I can't fathom is why he would get himself fired knowing they'd lose their house, but now, looking back on the whole thing, I have a horrible feeling in my gut that he was betting they could manipulate us into moving in with them. I feel physically sick at having been trapped like this, but they are really, really good at lying and making whatever they want sound reasonable and believable.)

    After this incident, their behavior completely flipped. I have never in my life seen people as manipulative, nasty and evil as these two. They have many of our common acquaintances convinced they're lovely people while we're terrible for not spending time with them. We've actually lost friends because of things these people have said - I feel awful having lost the friendships, but I can't really blame them because the in-laws are so insidious. They will take a situation and completely turn it around until you're doubting your own memories of what happened - I've never seen anything like it before. This kind of manipulation gets mixed in with episodes of complete lunacy - at Christmas we were treated to a diatribe of how anyone who goes to a church service in December is participating in devil worship, how God has given them secret information no one else knows and FIL spent about a week referring to himself in 3rd person and calling himself Jesus Christ.

    FIL has not even been looking for a job! He just spouts off to anyone he can about how he was "unjustly fired because he wouldn't get a flu shot" which is a complete and total lie. We offered to write his resume and cover letter for him even, but he insists he's got great ones, just no one will hire him because people are "prejudiced against white men". MIL finally got a job working 8-12 hours a week at minimum wage in a grocery store. She claims she can't work more because her health is poor; according to her, she's got fibromyalgia, is hypoglycemic, gluten intolerant, corn intolerant, has back spurs, arrythmia and is vitamin B deficient. She hasn't seen a doctor in years.

    Hubby got a job about 4 months after we moved in with them, but instead of being able to move out, we're having to rebuild our savings because of a series of freak accidents that drained everything. (Dog needed emergency surgery, then proceeded to abcess/tear out stitches/have another emergency surgery. Car was parked at work, someone apparently thought it would be fun to back into it and total it -car was old, so the insurance gave us diddly-squat for it and we had to use our savings to make up the difference for a newer car. Then I had emergency surgery.)

    While I am hugely, hugely thankful that we aren't in debt up to our eyeballs because of all these things, I don't know how I'm going to survive these people long enough to get out of here! We're looking at a minimum of 6 more months before we'll have enough for a downpayment. And the thought of 6 more months makes me want to scream. This may sound melodramatic, but I don't know how we're supposed to survive 6 more months with these people.

    Hubby and I know for a fact we're severing the relationship with them as soon as we leave and are not going to be having anything to do with them again. He's I think in more shock than I am - they were never like this while he was growing up, so he's trying to reconcile good memories of them with their current vicious behavior and it doesn't make sense. Please tell me I'm not crazy! Any ideas for surviving the next 6 months?
    Last edited by neverthoughtI'dneedanalter; May. 28, 2013 at 07:52 PM. Reason: spelling error



  2. #2
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    You are not crazy, but they sure don't sound very balanced. I am so sorry that you are going through this.

    Wish I knew what else to say other than *stay strong*.



  3. #3
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    Aug. 12, 2010
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    Move out. Rent something..it might set your home buying plans back a bit, but it's worth it for the sake of your sanity. It's great that your DH seems to be on the same page with you, but I still think you need to get out of there. If the ILs were working fairly recently, they and you can't be SO old that you can't take some time out from working on the home purchase to get away from them.


    25 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
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    Canaqua is exactly right. You are living with seriously dangerous, deluded people. What the hell are you waiting for? This man apparently scared people so badly at the previous job that adults were walking in pairs because they were afraid of what he would do. Are you waiting until he attacks you? Or until one of you turn up missing?

    Get the heck out of there even if you have to move into the local trailer park (many of these places rent nice mobile homes for a decent price, and some allow pets). Check Craigslist and the local want ads, but get out of that hellhole before something awful happens. Don't tell the in laws where you're moving to, and if you get a landline get an unlisted, unpublished one. If you only use cell phones, then change the number when you move. If you wait six months to move you are crazy. Get out now, and I don't care if you move into someone's barn or a camper for a while. You need to be safe, and you aren't safe with these people.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    15 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jan. 14, 2003
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    Can't say it better than above. Move. Into a trailer park if necessary.


    11 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
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    Mar. 15, 2007
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    I totally agree with the above feedback you're getting. It's time to go, and this does not seem like a healthy situation for you two. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, and I hope your surgery went fine and that you're totally fine now.
    Proud member of the Colbert Dressage Nation


    1 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
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    May. 6, 2003
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    If the pets are a problem, get a realtor to help you find a rental. The landlord pays the realtor, not you, and you may find some hidden gems. Agree with everyone else, though. You need to move yesterday. Do not tell them where you are going. Your FIL sounds like he may have serious mental illness and needs help, but I doubt he'll get it any time soon.
    According to the Mayan calendar, the world will not end this week. Please plan your life accordingly.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
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    Because you have a different number or type of pets, then try private rentals. The big management companies want to have easy tenants, so many don't rent to large pets, or more than a few pets. Look on Craiglist, call everyone you know and ask if they know of anywhere for rent right now, and look on local bulletin boards. Maybe it won't be your ideal place, but it will do for a few months. When you move make sure no one tells where, and tell the in-laws you have to store your stuff, and don't even hint where you're moving to. Don't do a change of address with the post office either. You seriously need to get out of there before you end up a story on Nancy Grace's crime show-and I'm not being dramatic. When you leave tell the in-laws that it's because someone is after you, and you don't want the people to go after them. The tinfoil hat crowd would believe that, and probably help you move.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    4 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
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    Aug. 12, 2010
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    I know you don't want ILs to see this and know who you are, but can you give a rough idea of your location? Maybe people here could foster some animals if a rental is a problem, while you find a place to get away from such a scary situation.



  10. #10
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    I think it is hard for adult children to live with aging parents under the best of circumstances. Add me to the list that says you need to get your own space now regardless of where that space is. I think you are going to be unpleasantly surprised that you won't actually cut ties with them. That is really hard to do. Hopefully a little space will make them easier to tolerate.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
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    Oct. 28, 2007
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    Wow, I think everyone else has said what I'd say but I'd like to add BIG hugs, what a difficult situation to be in. I hope your in-laws don't have access to any of your credit cards or bank account info.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
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    Dec. 29, 2012
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    Honestly I dont think it sounds like you can make it another 6 months and remain sane, and I think you know this, hence reason for your post. Take the very good advice above and move out even if it is a camper. Peace and sanity are worth it. As far as your own place ,it will happen sooner or later, it will happen. What matters is the here and now and you and hubby, your safety, health, sanity, and happiness. Take care.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
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    Money will not buy back your sanity, or your marriage.

    Move out now, even if you're eating Ramen. Rent something and be very wary of giving out any further life details to the ILs. FIL in particular sounds like he's got a screw loose, or missing entirely.

    And ... give your DH a hug. It is never easy watching your parents behave like this, even if their behavior makes it easier for you to cut ties.

    Stay strong, and stay SAFE.
    Full-time bargain hunter.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
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    May. 28, 2013
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    Thank you for the advice everyone - I appreciate it. Amazing what a difference it makes to be believed, not have people ask "are you sure" or "it can't really be that bad".

    The realtor we were working with previously to purchase the house is working with us to try and find a rental - not having any luck so far. The main sticking point seems to be our big dog. She's a complete sweetheart, but either people aren't renting to pet owners, or they have a weight limit of 50lbs and she's right around 85lbs. There are more people looking to rent around here than there are places available, so no one is particularly motivated to work with us in terms of making an exception for our dog. This is why we were trying to purchase a house before this whole mess started, as our realtor said that would be much easier than trying to find a rental and from the "progress" that's being made in our search I completely agree.

    My parents have our cats for the time being and are happy to keep them as long as we need them to, but they can't take our dog too as their place is small and they aren't able to deal with a dog. They don't live close at all, otherwise I'd be more inclined to see if we could temporarily work something out regarding our dog.

    There are several trailer parks in the general area, but only 2 allow pets and neither allow dogs over 50lbs. I could care less what the place looks like, I just want to get out of here! If we could find anywhere that would allow us to bring our dog, we'd be out the door in a heartbeat!

    We've got all our stuff in storage except the bed and a couple suitcases of clothes/toiletries - definitely planned how to keep as few things as possible here so we don't have really any packing to do before we can leave.

    The in-laws have no access to any of our financial information and hubby works at the bank we have our accounts at, so he was able to talk to his boss and put some kind of flag on our accounts so we will know immediately if the in-laws DO try to pull anything.

    Thank you all again for the advice!


    5 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
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    He called himself Jesus Christ for a week?!! We have a family member who has been all over the spectrum crazy wise and I can't tell you how RELIEVED I was when he finally moved on. I felt like a prisoner in my own home. Move now. You can camp for two weeks at most campgrounds, it's summertime, get a PO Box, change the phone numbers - really, you don't want this guy to start seeing invisible people that tell him to "do things" and have him do them to you!
    Courageous Weenie Eventer Wannabe
    Incredible Invisible


    4 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
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    Move. Now. If you're covering the in-laws mortgage and saving for a down payment, there's no reason you cannot pay for a rental and save as well. You need to move if you wish to stay married and sane.



  17. #17
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    Put a rental wanted ad on CL. But you need to get out. They sound crazy to the point of dangerous..



  18. #18
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    I'm so sorry you are going through this, OP.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hulk View Post
    Honestly I dont think it sounds like you can make it another 6 months and remain sane, and I think you know this, hence reason for your post. Take the very good advice above and move out even if it is a camper. Peace and sanity are worth it. As far as your own place ,it will happen sooner or later, it will happen. What matters is the here and now and you and hubby, your safety, health, sanity, and happiness. Take care.
    Seriously. If this is what it takes, do it and have fun with it. This way you will be able to keep your dog with you. It's not like you'll be living in a camper for life, it's just for a few months. And if you buy the camper, you'll have something for vacations.

    These people are actually crazy, and after you have had some time and distance from them, you will be able to come to terms with their behavior, whether it is accepting them as nuts, having them committed, or just severing all ties as you planned.

    The other thing is that you might want to think about your MIL's safety because it sounds like FIL has gone off the deep end.



  20. #20
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    If your horse was boarded at this stable, you would have moved your poor horse long ago. Just move out. Period. Trying to scrimp for a house/savings in these conditions is not a good strategy...because the cost is so high. If you move out, you might actually save more because as it is you are spending all your energy surviving. You both are on mental high alert - which has huge physical consequences too. The stress can damage your health in many concrete ways that you won't realize until this is past you.

    Also, since the in-laws are so toxic, they may actively try to sabotage any attempts you have at moving. Esp. if you are providing $$$ - you are their lifeline and they may fight tooth and nail not to lose that $$$. I would not tell them until you are packed and moving. Given the FIL has hostility issues, you might get those coming crashing down on you. And you might be calling the cops for cover as you move out. This is much more than weird, it could be dangerous since your leaving threatens their survival financially.

    Good luck!!


    3 members found this post helpful.

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