The Chronicle of the Horse
MagazineNewsHorse SportsHorse CareCOTH StoreVoicesThe Chronicle UntackedDirectoriesMarketplaceDates & Results
 
Page 3 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast
Results 41 to 60 of 90
  1. #41
    Join Date
    Nov. 13, 2006
    Location
    deep in the CT wilds near...the 200yr flood zone
    Posts
    694

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Reynard Ridge View Post
    I say this gently, weddings are only a big deal if you perceive them to be a big deal.

    Personally, I think feeling one-upped reflects immaturity, and a lack of sense of self. Anyone who spends any amount of time comparing themselves to the people around them doesn't have a good understanding of who they are, and what getting married is all about.

    "Getting engaged" isn't about being the center of attention, it isn't about being "first," it isn't about the hoopla that some people bring to it, it isn't about a "wedding;" it's about making a decision to spend the rest of your life with one person.

    The stuff that goes around that is the wrapping paper; pretty, but short lived, and not really part of what's inside the package.
    This! Sometimes I feel so sorry for the men in this equation. They're committing to be with you for the rest of their life and the importance of that is back burnered for the ring and the dress and the do. I guess this is what I hate about weddings. Commercialism over rides everything.

    When I got engaged my mom and my best friend at the time wanted the wedding to be all about their desires. Who knew they had these secret yearnings to create 'a Disney extravaganza'? Imagine my surprise/distress when they turned into Momzilla and Tantorex, willing to rend flesh from the bone to get their way. When DH and I started fighting because I was capitulating to them, I said enough, this is so not right and called the wedding off. Momzilla was incensed and threw an epic tantrum. Tantorex was...smug. I guess getting married before her was a real sore point.

    DH and I remained happy together as SOs and a decade later we got married in a small intimate ceremony that, according to the twenty-five or so guests that attended, was what a wedding should be. A celebration of the love and commitment of the couple. The only hold out was Tantorex, who sulked and made snide comments the whole day.

    Unlike mine, her marriage resulted from a 'we've been together long enough put a ring on my finger' demand. It was very unhappy. At the time of my wedding she was pushing to have a child to 'fix' it. It didn't.

    DH and I met, fell in love and wanted to get married about eight months later. Everyone doubted we knew what we were doing. We have been together 29 years. Don't be a Tantorex, OP. There is nothing but unhappiness on that path.
    This it be all wot we want in life, wenn peoples dey loff us. ~ Willem


    6 members found this post helpful.

  2. #42
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2006
    Posts
    1,909

    Default

    Now that you added more detail... I think you're displacing your feelings toward your boyfriend and putting them towards your sister. It is not her fault he has not proposed, he had TEN YEARS to do so. I totally understand being frustrated and very hurt that he hasn't proposed yet, and yes it is "on his time line" but what about yours? If you're not comfortable waiting he should care about that as well.

    Time to have a serious talk and in the future, you owe it to yourself to assert what you want. You deserve it. Don't just let him do everything whenever it is convenient for him if it impacts you as well, not fair for you to take a back seat. If you didn't care about getting married or when I wouldn't bat an eye, but clearly you do.

    FWIW, OP, I had fully planned on it being just us and the minister until his family decided they would "crash" it and I found out about it. I threw something together to appease everyone and I will always regret that. I never really wanted a big wedding, I don't have the patience for the planning!, but ours was so half assed since I chucked it together last minute it was sad. Wish I had done it just how we wanted. It isn't about that day, or anyone else, it is about what happens after that day is over that counts. Don't get blinded by rings, and your wedding, in the long run that hardly matters.
    Last edited by magicteetango; May. 29, 2013 at 11:34 AM. Reason: Auto correct!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  3. #43
    Join Date
    Dec. 19, 2008
    Location
    Where The Snow Flies
    Posts
    2,271

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by LadyNeon01 View Post
    Yes, he has drug his feet but he does things on his own schedule, not anyone else's.
    I've dated, and subsequently dumped, douchebags of this breed. The problem with people like this in relationships is they have issues realizing that there is another person being affected by their inability to make a decision. It does not get better and often gets worse the more you're accepting of it as "It's just how they are."

    The problem is, you're frustrated with the situation THAT BOTH OF YOU HAVE CREATED. You can't change it by yourself and you either need him to get on board or abandon ship. That's the only way the situation is going to change. And sometimes walking away is the slap upside the head for him to realize that he needs to put forth some effort to get what he wants.


    11 members found this post helpful.

  4. #44
    Join Date
    Mar. 3, 2007
    Location
    North-Central IL
    Posts
    3,155

    Default

    I don't think not wanting to get engaged or married makes him a 'douchebag', he has every right as a human not to. He is obviously 'getting what he wants' right now, as he has felt no need to change it. The onus is on the OP if she is not willing to stick around any longer without a ring.
    Quarry Rat


    7 members found this post helpful.

  5. #45
    Join Date
    Sep. 5, 2011
    Posts
    2,966

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by sketcher View Post
    Are you for real? Seriously. You've been with this guy for 10 years and are upset because your sister one-upped you? You have a very strange take on life and the way things should be.
    Man, ditto in spades. How old are you? Drop the drama & enjoy your life. If you & your SO are happy, what difference does it make that your sister is getting married before you. Who ever said marriage was automatically the spectacular conclusion to a great relationship? GROW UP!

    My now-husband & I were together for 9 years before we tied the knot. I can't even imagine being even remotely interested/concerned if my younger brother had married before me. It didn't even enter my mind. Bottom Line: WHO CARES???? (except you, apparently)


    6 members found this post helpful.

  6. #46
    Join Date
    Feb. 22, 2012
    Location
    MS Gulf Coast
    Posts
    560

    Default

    magicteetango, I think you may be right. I'm more upset that my BF hasn't just proposed already more than that my sister got engaged before me. Combine that with the never-ending questions of when it'll be my turn from well-meaning (but incredibly stupid) people, it just got to a point where I couldn't handle it anymore.

    My BF and I have had many discussions about getting married. I told him numerous times that I wanted and needed to know that he wanted to marry me before actually proposing. He saw a proposal as letting me know that he wanted to marry me. I had tried to explain to him that there was a difference to me, but we never saw eye-to-eye on that. I didn't want to be the type of person to pressure him into anything. So I gave him a deadline of when I needed answers, and I left it up to him when he wanted to talk to me. I've been much happier since he told me he wanted to marry me. So maybe knowing that I'll be getting engaged soon made me feel like my sister one-upped me, even though I know she couldn't have known what was going on with me and my BF (I haven't told anyone close that we'll be getting engaged).

    And I take full responsibility of my part it letting our relationship get to this. I do wonder if things would have been different if I would have truly pressured him, but then I realize that neither of us would have been happy in that situation.



  7. #47
    Join Date
    Mar. 24, 2012
    Posts
    1,562

    Default

    Because he's traditional enough to want to do it himself. He doesn't think it would mean the same thing if I asked him. So I'm letting him do it his way. By the way, he was rather shocked by my sister's engagement too.
    But based on your posts you have asked him and he has put you off.

    My BF and I have had many discussions about getting married. I told him numerous times that I wanted and needed to know that he wanted to marry me before actually proposing. He saw a proposal as letting me know that he wanted to marry me. I had tried to explain to him that there was a difference to me, but we never saw eye-to-eye on that. I didn't want to be the type of person to pressure him into anything. So I gave him a deadline of when I needed answers, and I left it up to him when he wanted to talk to me. I've been much happier since he told me he wanted to marry me. So maybe knowing that I'll be getting engaged soon made me feel like my sister one-upped me, even though I know she couldn't have known what was going on with me and my BF (I haven't told anyone close that we'll be getting engaged).
    You ARE pressuring him -but after 10 years It's Ok to ask for an answer. Sounds like he does not want to get married.


    8 members found this post helpful.

  8. #48
    Join Date
    Dec. 19, 2008
    Location
    Where The Snow Flies
    Posts
    2,271

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by LadyNeon01 View Post
    magicteetango, I think you may be right. I'm more upset that my BF hasn't just proposed already more than that my sister got engaged before me. Combine that with the never-ending questions of when it'll be my turn from well-meaning (but incredibly stupid) people, it just got to a point where I couldn't handle it anymore.

    My BF and I have had many discussions about getting married. I told him numerous times that I wanted and needed to know that he wanted to marry me before actually proposing. He saw a proposal as letting me know that he wanted to marry me. I had tried to explain to him that there was a difference to me, but we never saw eye-to-eye on that. I didn't want to be the type of person to pressure him into anything. So I gave him a deadline of when I needed answers, and I left it up to him when he wanted to talk to me. I've been much happier since he told me he wanted to marry me. So maybe knowing that I'll be getting engaged soon made me feel like my sister one-upped me, even though I know she couldn't have known what was going on with me and my BF (I haven't told anyone close that we'll be getting engaged).

    And I take full responsibility of my part it letting our relationship get to this. I do wonder if things would have been different if I would have truly pressured him, but then I realize that neither of us would have been happy in that situation.
    I'm bolding what I am really responding to in your last post. I dated a guy just like this for almost 5 years. We talked about getting married, we were going ring shopping, he bought a ring and yet couldn't man up and do it. I needed to be able to move on to the next phase of my life which was to find a man who was going to marry me and start a family and I couldn't keep waiting for him. So, I say take his statements with a grain of salt until he's giving you solid evidence that he is actually going to get off his duff and do something. Actions speak louder than words.

    Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself, and for him, is to walk away. It will allow you to move upwards on onwards with your life and have him realize that his desire to maintain the status quo with no real appreciable growth actually hurts him in the long run. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith to reap the rewards - whether that turns out to be your BF stepping up to the plate or you walking away is yet to be determined...

    Or, you can take option #3 (which I DO NOT recommend) and that is settle for the status quo and resign yourself to "this is it" but then you have no right to complain, feel sorry for yourself or feel resentment towards anyone else who made different choices. Chances are by doing this, you'll be left feeling pretty unfulfilled and unhappy. And frankly, everyone deserves to be happy and have someone who will do whatever it takes to make them happy.

    You have to ask yourself: Is he someone who will do whatever it takes to keep you in his life and make you truly happy?


    3 members found this post helpful.

  9. #49
    Join Date
    Dec. 19, 2008
    Location
    Where The Snow Flies
    Posts
    2,271

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Mosey_2003 View Post
    I don't think not wanting to get engaged or married makes him a 'douchebag', he has every right as a human not to. He is obviously 'getting what he wants' right now, as he has felt no need to change it. The onus is on the OP if she is not willing to stick around any longer without a ring.
    I think him saying one thing ie. "I want to marry you" and then not backing that up for a substantial amount of time is rather douchebaggy. It's like, I'm gonna dangle this carrot on a string and not let you catch it. Either he gets off on stringing her along or he's completely oblivous to anyone but himself. Both are not cool.


    12 members found this post helpful.

  10. #50
    Join Date
    Mar. 3, 2007
    Location
    North-Central IL
    Posts
    3,155

    Default

    Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you should have pressured him, you're right that route would've made it worse. I'm just saying if you're not happy having waited 10 years without a formal engagement, something needs to change. You can say after a year or two or five, "Look, this is as long as I'm prepared to date you without a proposal, it is important to me that I get married. Please think about it and let me know what you decide." It is perfectly fine that you have not, but it isn't fine for you to feel one-upped because your sister got what you have been wanting but haven't put your foot down about. This sounds like I'm being mean, and I'm really not trying to. You need to establish these things for *your own good* because it sounds like you are unhappy, and life is too short to waste your time that way. I'm by no means an expert, but I've navigated these waters a time or two and I know that many men will stretch out the status quo as long as possible.
    Quarry Rat


    4 members found this post helpful.

  11. #51
    Join Date
    Mar. 3, 2007
    Location
    North-Central IL
    Posts
    3,155

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Snowflake View Post
    I think him saying one thing ie. "I want to marry you" and then not backing that up for a substantial amount of time is rather douchebaggy. It's like, I'm gonna dangle this carrot on a string and not let you catch it. Either he gets off on stringing her along or he's completely oblivous to anyone but himself. Both are not cool.
    I actually agree with you in this case, it was more about "douchebags of this breed" that I wanted to add not all guys that don't want to get married are douchebags, per se.
    Quarry Rat


    3 members found this post helpful.

  12. #52
    Join Date
    Dec. 19, 2008
    Location
    Where The Snow Flies
    Posts
    2,271

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Mosey_2003 View Post
    I actually agree with you in this case, it was more about "douchebags of this breed" that I wanted to add not all guys that don't want to get married are douchebags, per se.
    And I totally agree with you on that point. If the guys are honest and upfront about their non-commital status, I'm fine. To each their own but at least be upfront about it so that others who may get involved can make informed choices regarding their future. That doesn't seem to be the case here. I've been in the OPs position with the BF and bailed for my own good because he wasn't going to be the person who would do what needed to be done without a lot of handholding, prodding and pushing. He was like that about everything - applying for jobs, buying household items, etc. and not just with the engagement. I couldn't see myself being happy having to tell someone what they needed to do next every day for the rest of my life. I wanted a husband - not a child.

    He realized what he lost after I left and he has told his friends and family what a f-up he is. And they agree with him. Even his mom said that he let the best thing he ever had walk out and it's his own fault for it. I love that woman. <3
    Last edited by Snowflake; May. 29, 2013 at 01:16 PM.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  13. #53
    Join Date
    Sep. 5, 2011
    Posts
    2,966

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by LadyNeon01 View Post
    magicteetango, I think you may be right. I'm more upset that my BF hasn't just proposed already more than that my sister got engaged before me. Combine that with the never-ending questions of when it'll be my turn from well-meaning (but incredibly stupid) people, it just got to a point where I couldn't handle it anymore.

    My BF and I have had many discussions about getting married. I told him numerous times that I wanted and needed to know that he wanted to marry me before actually proposing. He saw a proposal as letting me know that he wanted to marry me. I had tried to explain to him that there was a difference to me, but we never saw eye-to-eye on that. I didn't want to be the type of person to pressure him into anything. So I gave him a deadline of when I needed answers, and I left it up to him when he wanted to talk to me. I've been much happier since he told me he wanted to marry me. So maybe knowing that I'll be getting engaged soon made me feel like my sister one-upped me, even though I know she couldn't have known what was going on with me and my BF (I haven't told anyone close that we'll be getting engaged).

    And I take full responsibility of my part it letting our relationship get to this. I do wonder if things would have been different if I would have truly pressured him, but then I realize that neither of us would have been happy in that situation.
    Uh - time to WAKE UP!!!!! I love these little needly "we've discussed marriage before proposal" stuff. What a bunch of crap.

    If you're happy with the status quo (many are, & that's just fine), & it's apparent you're decidedly NOT, then it's time to sh*t or get off the pot.

    Get married (if you're absolutely sure he's the one - frankly I have my doubts) or leave the relationship & find someone more in tune with what you want. Life is SHORT!! The 10 years you've spent with this guy are GONE. Do you want to spend 10 more like this, or do you want marriage, kids, whatever, with someone else. Your decision.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  14. #54
    Join Date
    Mar. 24, 2012
    Posts
    1,562

    Default

    I'm not saying you should have pressured him, you're right that route would've made it worse
    She already has pressured him- not that there is anything wrong with that.

    As the sayings go " fish or cut bait' or for the less sensitive "sh#t or get off the pot" unless both people happy with status quo.

    Obviously Op is not happy with status quo and has given an ultimatum. That's perhaps not the best start for a marriage..


    2 members found this post helpful.

  15. #55
    Join Date
    Sep. 5, 2011
    Posts
    2,966

    Default

    Exactly. If you have to pressure someone into marriage - especially after 10 years of being together - that person ain't "THE" person.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  16. #56
    Join Date
    Sep. 11, 2011
    Posts
    1,110

    Default

    Actions speak louder then worlds. The end.


    8 members found this post helpful.

  17. #57
    Join Date
    Nov. 15, 2005
    Location
    NY
    Posts
    6,095

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SendenHorse View Post
    This isn't about you. Sorry. She has every right to get engaged.

    You've had 10 YEARS to get engaged. Seriously.
    LOL DH and I got engaged after dating just over a year, but I was 35 and he was 38.
    His friend then HAD to propose to his girlfriend [they were both mid 20s] who he had strung along for like 5 years, because of our engagement.
    Then the GF, as she's waving her ring in peoples faces tells me 'you can't have Oct. and you can't have purple'... meaning she had dibs on an Oct wedding and purple for bridesmaids. Whatev

    Some people are shallow and it IS all about them, and it will always be so.

    On the other hand, I too would question spending 10 years and still not being certain that the direction I wanted my life to go in was also the direction my SO was headed as well [whether that it marriage, or children or whatever].
    Yo/Yousolong April 23rd, 1985- April 15th, 2014

    http://notesfromadogwalker.com/2012/...m-a-sanctuary/


    2 members found this post helpful.

  18. #58
    Join Date
    Apr. 29, 2011
    Location
    Maryland
    Posts
    2,048

    Default

    WHAT is the big deal about marriage anyway? Is it security? Do you not feel secure unless you are with someone else, by law?

    I know so many marriages that are a joke and so many "long term living arrangements" that are rock solid.

    And WHY in God's green earth would you want to pressure someone into marrying you or give them a deadline? How can that be good for your self esteem? Marriage should be something that both parties are completely ready to invest in, and not getting into it because they were given an ultimatum. My best friend married his gf because of that. And now they are divorced. Quelle surprise!

    You should be 10000% comfortable and confident in your own skin with who you are and what you want (BTW, that doesn't mean you aren't allowed to change or continue to grow...but there is a difference) before you ever consider spending the rest of your life with someone and/or starting a family.

    10 years? 8 months? WHO CARES?! If you think a ring on your finger is going to suddenly change your whole world for the better then you will undoubtedly be disappointed. 90"% of marriage is about paying bills, fighting over who forgot to take the trash out, and poking the other person in the ribs to get them to roll over and stop snoring. lol.
    Barn rat for life

    The Big Horse


    3 members found this post helpful.

  19. #59
    Join Date
    Mar. 3, 2007
    Location
    North-Central IL
    Posts
    3,155

    Default

    It is perfectly okay to want to be married. It is also okay to let your significant other know that you want to be married within a certain time frame. Just because marriages don't work out for everyone does not mean it is wrong to want one. This is why so many people end up staying in dead-end relationships in the first place, being afraid to ask for what you want. It's also perfectly okay to never want to get married. But these things need to be discussed at some point.
    Quarry Rat


    2 members found this post helpful.

  20. #60
    Join Date
    Dec. 31, 2000
    Location
    El Paso, TX
    Posts
    12,179

    Default

    My DH and I lived together for 20 yrs before we got married a yr and a half ago. We felt "married" beforehand, and were not having kids, so saw no reason to marry. We finally did marry as it makes so many things easier as far as mortgages, hospital visitations (if one is ill), etc. We feel no different married, than we did before, but society sees it differently.

    It worked for us, as neither was pushing for marriage, and we both were fine with or without it. So not getting married but living together can be fine, and not indicative of someone dragging their heels or uncommitted. But if it isn't working for one of you, it's a problem.



Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 89
    Last Post: Nov. 3, 2011, 09:48 AM
  2. Controlling Emotions While Riding?
    By bluebuckets in forum Hunter/Jumper
    Replies: 39
    Last Post: Apr. 9, 2011, 01:37 PM
  3. Horse Emotions....!!
    By Jenesmane in forum Off Course
    Replies: 40
    Last Post: Mar. 8, 2009, 10:42 AM
  4. Do horses have emotions? A bit of a rant.
    By City Ponies in forum Off Course
    Replies: 76
    Last Post: Jan. 26, 2009, 11:44 PM
  5. Replies: 72
    Last Post: Apr. 17, 2002, 05:23 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
randomness