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  1. #21
    Join Date
    Apr. 17, 2002
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    between the barn and the pond
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    Imagine yourself at age 40. Do you think this nonsense about her timing will matter?


    5 members found this post helpful.

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Sep. 26, 2008
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    1,303

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    its okay to feel the way you do, when I got married my cousin was very happy for me but said that she never thought that she would be the last of the female cousins on that side of the family to get married

    she had a lovely wedding a month later

    my parents married off all their kids before my grandparents did by a month, but my uncle got engaged first



  3. #23
    Join Date
    Jul. 14, 2006
    Posts
    1,820

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    I totally get it. Both of my younger sisters are already married. I have not dated anyone seriously in almost 10 years. That's 2 weddings in 2 years. If my sisters are happy, then good for them.

    I would not care a bit if I didn't have to deal with every uncle, great-aunt, cousin-once-removed, and sorta relative-by-marriage in my *LARGE* extended family ask me a) if I have "a special someone" in my life, b) when it's going to be my turn to walk down the aisle, c) don't I think my clock is ticking and d) how do I think I'll ever find a man being so busy with my career. arghhhhhhhh One of my father's cousins even suggested that I need to hurry up, because my dad only has to get me married off and then he's done with paying for weddings (WTF, like I'm the spinster daughter draining the family resources??). To be clear, my family is not made up of a bunch of uneducated hill-billies popping out kids at 14. Most are educated professionals...and I STILL get these comments

    *vent*

    OOOooohhh-kay. I went to college on a full scholarship. I graduated summa cum laude and was my school's valedictorian. I have two graduate degrees from one of the top universities in my field. I am doing post-graduate training in said field, which happens to be pretty well paying in addition to something I find deeply satisfying. I also have many friends, hobbies and a pretty full life. But, NOOOOO, the only thing that matters is that I don't have a ring on it! Because that is the be-all, end-all of successful womanhood (until you actually get married, then it's all about the babies...)

    *end vent*

    For the record, I'm not anti-man or anti-marriage. I'd be open to it if the right guy came along. I just can't stand the assumption that your real adult life starts when you say "I do."

    Women wouldn't have these mixed emotions about friends/relatives getting engaged or married if there wasn't such a big freakin' deal made about the weddings.

    BES
    Proudly owned by 2 chestnut mares
    Crayola Posse: sea green
    Mighty Rehabbers Clique


    12 members found this post helpful.

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Feb. 13, 2007
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    Down on the Farm
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    3,059

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    I was married twice before my sister got married once...now she has been married twice so we are even, LOL. Don't sweat the small stuff.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Mar. 8, 2004
    Location
    Baltimore, MD
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    My two best friends never got married which is a little strange just because out of the three of us I probably would have guessed I would have been the least likely to get married. Neither really even came close although one does have a SO of many years now. I told her a few years ago that I had a dream that she got married at Preakness and she yelled at me! Marriage is great when it's great but horrid when it's not. After my childhood I definitely know it's better to be alone than with the wrong person.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  6. #26
    Join Date
    Dec. 31, 2000
    Location
    El Paso, TX
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    14,666

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    I don't get this at all.
    I can't imagine being upset who gets engaged first. Makes me think the OP still needs to grow up. Maybe that's what her boyfriend is waiting for...

    Sorry that came out More blunt than I intended, but I've tried to figure out a way to word it nicer but still get the point across how immature it is to be upset about that, and can't figure out any other way to say it.

    A wedding is just one day. Seems silly to worry about that rather than the state of your relationship as a couple. If it's strong, then it doesn't matter what your sister is doing, or when..
    Hillary Clinton - proven liar, cheat, traitor and defender of rapists! Anyone but Hillary 2016! https://www.facebook.com/AntiHillary2016


    17 members found this post helpful.

  7. #27
    Join Date
    Feb. 25, 2011
    Location
    So California
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    3,717

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    Have you ever read that book, He's Just Not That Into You? Rather than worrying about your sister's relationship, I think you should worry about whether you are with the right guy. Ten years? And you want to get married but he doesn't? I mean, you want to get engaged and he doesn't? It's even worse.


    23 members found this post helpful.

  8. #28
    Join Date
    Nov. 23, 1999
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    South Coast Plaza
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    20,512

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    If he liked it then he shoulda put a ring on it.
    Last edited by Coreene; May. 29, 2013 at 03:25 AM.
    EDDIE WOULD GO


    19 members found this post helpful.

  9. #29
    Join Date
    May. 8, 2004
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    PA
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    6,871

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    Quote Originally Posted by BlueEyedSorrel View Post
    Women wouldn't have these mixed emotions about friends/relatives getting engaged or married if there wasn't such a big freakin' deal made about the weddings.

    BES
    I say this gently, weddings are only a big deal if you perceive them to be a big deal.

    Personally, I think feeling one-upped reflects immaturity, and a lack of sense of self. Anyone who spends any amount of time comparing themselves to the people around them doesn't have a good understanding of who they are, and what getting married is all about.

    "Getting engaged" isn't about being the center of attention, it isn't about being "first," it isn't about the hoopla that some people bring to it, it isn't about a "wedding;" it's about making a decision to spend the rest of your life with one person.

    The stuff that goes around that is the wrapping paper; pretty, but short lived, and not really part of what's inside the package.


    11 members found this post helpful.

  10. #30
    Join Date
    Sep. 23, 2010
    Posts
    594

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    Sorry to hear that your sister "stole your thunder". But it seems that maybe you are more upset that you have been with your boyfriend for 10 years without a ring? So be happy for her and remember that you both have your own lives to live. It's not a competition. And remember, as the older one, you probably got to do EVERYTHING else before your sister (I am a younger sister)


    4 members found this post helpful.

  11. #31
    Join Date
    Oct. 28, 2007
    Location
    NY
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    5,071

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    Life is pretty short. I feel for you. What seems important when you are in your twenties IS important then The good news is that your feelings are based on her stealing your thunder and not based on reservations about her fiancé or whether this is a good thing for her.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  12. #32
    Join Date
    Jan. 27, 2004
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    Yonder, USA
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    2,561

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    She's only one-upping you or stealing your thunder if you decide she is. You've already admitted you live far apart and rarely see each other. I can tell you that having both of my sibs get married (and divorced, and in one case remarried) before me didn't affect me one bit. Well, the one bridesmaid dress was pretty horrific. But, still.

    From a younger sister's POV, it seems pretty silly to wait for you to go first. I mean, you've been with the same guy for 10 years and haven't even gotten engaged. At that pace, you could both be in the nursing home before she'd be "allowed" to get serious with anyone...
    ---------------------------


    7 members found this post helpful.

  13. #33
    Join Date
    Feb. 22, 2012
    Location
    MS Gulf Coast
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    719

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    Hmm, some interesting perspectives out there.

    I'm definitely with the right guy. Like I said earlier, I'm expecting us to get engaged in the next couple months. It did take us a long time to get to the point where he told me that he does want to marry me. And I think that's the only reason why I'm not freaking out even more. If this would have been 2 months ago, I'd have been extremely upset with my BF. Yes, he has drug his feet but he does things on his own schedule, not anyone else's. I was just about to the point where I'd leave him, but after really thinking it through, I was happier being with him. I was more frustrated with the situation than with him. Life always works out how its supposed to.



  14. #34
    Join Date
    Sep. 11, 2011
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    1,641

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    This isn't about you. Sorry. She has every right to get engaged.

    You've had 10 YEARS to get engaged. Seriously.

    I don't get this slant on it, you keep saying how it doesn't matter (your BF) but you bring up so much that I wonder if that is the whole truth?

    Just like horse shows, there is enough room for everyone to show GP. Her being happy doesn't mean you can't get the same thing. I think its a rub that you as of now, don't have it, and may not get engaged.

    I'm all for taking time to ponder, even my slow moving DH only took 2 years. 10 years no way. Uh no.


    17 members found this post helpful.

  15. #35
    Join Date
    Feb. 1, 2012
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    Vermont
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    6,308

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    If you have been together for 10 years, he would've proposed by now if he really wanted to.
    "If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple payments..."


    20 members found this post helpful.

  16. #36
    Join Date
    Feb. 8, 2007
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    3,133

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    I kind of "get" where the OP is coming from. My best friend, who is 2 years younger than I am, got married last year at the age of 36, a week after I turned 39. She spent years not seriously dating anyone seriously or really even dating much at all. Around the time that I met my boyfriend (Nov. 2010), she went to a matchmaker and they matched her up with her now husband. By Feb. of 2011, they were unofficially engaged and he gave her a ring in April. We live in the same area and I never even met him until MONTHS after they had been dating, though apparently most of her other friends had. It really hurt my feelings a lot, because at the time we'd been friends for 17-18 years and are more like sisters than friends. It made me feel like I wasn't important enough to her anymore for her to bother introducing him to me, especially after I'd gone out of my way to attend one of her plays and brought my boyfriend with me so that they could meet.

    Additionally, by the time the wedding rolled around, everything around it seemed to coincide with Easter and my birthday, which was a little stressful because I was going through RCIA classes and had tons of stuff going on so that I could participate in the Easter Vigil and become Catholic. The wedding itself ended up being lovely, though it felt so haphazard. We were still folding origami table decorations right up until we all had to get read to walk down the aisle!

    BUT, there were tons of good things to come from all this. My boyfriend and I have been together now for just over 2 years and when we talk about marriage, he's very much like the OP's boyfriend - he wants to make sure that he can take care of me and our children if we end up having any. It's a lot of pressure when the guy is very traditional, and I respect that. He's also 10 years younger than I am, which puts him a little behind the curve compared to a lot of guys in my age bracket. Frankly, I feel more secure about our relationship the longer we are together - I'm not sure I'd deal well with someone who wanted to rush into things based up on previous experiences.

    Also, dealing with my friend's wedding made it abundantly clear about what I DON'T want at my own wedding. Because hers felt so unorganized and crazy to me with 6 bridesmaids and so much "stuff," I decided that I don't want any of that. No bridesmaids, no groomsmen, no bachelorette party...nothing. I want a simple dress, a beautiful Catholic church with minimal flowers, a great photographer, and a lovely reception with a buffet and a great DJ so that people can enjoy themselves and have a good time without too much fuss.

    So that's my advice, OP. Keep searching for the positives even when it may feel as though you want to pull your hair out! Sounds like you have a nice boyfriend who wants to try his best to do right by both of you, so I wish you both the best of luck.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  17. #37
    Join Date
    Jan. 14, 2003
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    6,482

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    Quote Originally Posted by LadyNeon01 View Post
    Hmm, some interesting perspectives out there.

    I'm definitely with the right guy. Like I said earlier, I'm expecting us to get engaged in the next couple months. It did take us a long time to get to the point where he told me that he does want to marry me. And I think that's the only reason why I'm not freaking out even more. If this would have been 2 months ago, I'd have been extremely upset with my BF. Yes, he has drug his feet but he does things on his own schedule, not anyone else's. I was just about to the point where I'd leave him, but after really thinking it through, I was happier being with him. I was more frustrated with the situation than with him. Life always works out how its supposed to.
    So, what I do not understand is you keep looking at all of this as freaking out because your sister beat you to the punch rather than sitting down and examining your own situation of being with a guy for 10 years who seems to have to be pressed into marriage.

    If I were you, I would stop focusing on the race/competition and start focusing on making sure that your own relationship is rock solid and that you are not pressuring this guy to shit or get off the pot so to speak. It is a good trait in him that he has wanted to wait, maybe gain financial security or not rush into something if he was not 100%. It is potentially a bad thing if he is settling or giving into pressure not because he wants to tie the knot but because it is the path of least resistance. But whatever, to each his own...


    7 members found this post helpful.

  18. #38
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    Sep. 7, 2009
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    Lexington, KY
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    Are you competitive with your sister about everything? Or just this?
    Join the Clinton 2016 campaign...Hillary For America. https://www.hillaryclinton.com/


    4 members found this post helpful.

  19. #39
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    Sep. 11, 2011
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    1,641

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    Please update us when you get engaged and how things are going with wedding plans! Good luck.

    And remember, an engagement still isn't marriage. I suggest withholding finances, house decision, etc to you are actually married.

    These "slow" types can get even Slo-wer after engaged. ("Ok, we're engaged! isn't that what they wanted?")

    Even more comfortable if you are already "playing house". (Not saying living together is bad/good but it does not work out well for these things IMHO). If you want to be married, have a plan. Make that apparent to Mr Comfortable.

    If you goal is marriage set a date ASAP. that is going to tell you a lot.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  20. #40
    Join Date
    Aug. 22, 2001
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    Almost Aiken
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    2,986

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    Meh, my now-husband and I were a couple for 11 years before we married. There were always reasons why the time wasn't right, but the love and respect and need for each other was always there. In 3 days we'll have been married for 22 years. I don't see 10 years as a dealbreaker.


    4 members found this post helpful.

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