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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb. 22, 2012
    Location
    MS Gulf Coast
    Posts
    729

    Default My sister just got engaged...and I have mixed emotions

    Well I just got back from a week and a half long vacation with my BF and his family. It was a great vacation up until yesterday, when my sister calls me and tells me that she's engaged. She's been with the guy for about 8 months (she's 29, so a bit fast but not overly so). It kind of bugs me that I haven't even met the guy, let alone talked to him. Granted, I haven't been home since Labor Day and I live 1200 miles from my family. She had just started dating him the last time I was home. I'm extremely happy for her.

    But my mixed emotions come from the fact that I thought I'd get engaged before her (I'm the older one). Quite a few years ago, she was with her college BF and I came to terms with the fact that they'd probably get married before me and my BF. Well they broke up and that gave me hope that I'd be first. In the last couple months, my BF and I have finally gotten serious about getting married. He told me that we'd get engaged sometime in the next couple months. And Monday's news just kind of broke my bubble.

    My BF is being really understanding of this, and telling me that yes, he should have asked me a long time ago (another story for another day) but that its still going to happen and that he just has to get his ducks all in a row. However, I can't help but feel a bit down and that I'll have to run everything past my sister first because she got engaged before me.

    Not really asking for any advice, just needed to vent. Not sure how to proceed forward though and get past my initial emotions.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul. 14, 2000
    Location
    midwest
    Posts
    11,259

    Default

    Life and sisterhood isn't a competition. Share in her happiness and help your BF get his ducks in a row. ((Hugs))


    27 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb. 20, 2010
    Location
    All 'round Canadia
    Posts
    8,068

    Default

    It sounds like you're venting, talking with your bf about how you feel and he's being supportive, etc - ie you're dealing with them. Acknowledge the disappointment and the other more negative emotions between the 2 or you or to any friends who won't go blabbing to your sis, give yourself "permission" to feel the way you do without feeling guilty about it, then slap on a happy face and congratulate sis.

    Hopefully between that and your actual engagement this more negative period will soon be forgotten


    2 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct. 20, 2009
    Posts
    1,363

    Default

    It doesn't matter if you get engaged first, it only matters if you get divorced first

    I understand your feelings, but I think it shows some maturity on your SO's part that he is trying to do things in a way in which he feels comfortable and secure. I know there are success stories out there(my parents included!), but 8 months is hardly long enough to know a person and promise to marry them, for most people. Focus on a healthy, happy relationship that you know will last!


    24 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    10,741

    Default

    Pink Pony!!!

    I think it's a combination of the suddenness, and you have to get used to the idea, plus you've never met him and are a little worried for your sister.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    1 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Apr. 29, 2011
    Location
    Maryland
    Posts
    2,259

    Default

    No offense OP, but posts like that make me really glad I have a brother.
    Barn rat for life

    The Big Horse


    30 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2006
    Posts
    1,922

    Default

    All my life my sister said she would do everything before me... Drive, hit puberty, get married, have kids... Now granted she is 3.5 years younger than me which makes it kind of insane. Now I am married with two children and, when alcohol gets her talking (hell that is all the time), she laments how she just wants to get married and have a family, at the age of 23. As the non competitive sister, it really grates on my nerves especially when, alcohol again, I have to listen to how I have everything she ever wanted and I never even wanted it (growing up I didn't see myself getting married or having kids) and she feels I am ungrateful for it. Don't be that person. Just be happy for her and not use her as a measuring stick for your own success.

    While I know that isn't how you are, necessarily, it doesn't matter who does it first. Life is not a competition, especially with family members. In 5 years no one will care or remember who did it first.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Dec. 19, 2008
    Location
    Where The Snow Flies
    Posts
    2,796

    Default

    My brother dated all of two women in his life and married the second one. It was totally unexpected because I am the outgoing, social butterfly and he is a serious introvert.

    I dislike his wife and he is unhappy. I love my brother and only want the best for him. So that trumps the inadequacy I may feel by being over thirty and never married. It doesn't matter who marries first. What matters is that your sister is making the right decision for the right reasons and has set herself up to have a successful future with this person. You can play a role by being part of her support system or you can let your jelousy alienate yourself from her. It's your decision how you handle it going forward.

    I agree with SLW who said it's not a competition. If you're doing what you need to be doing to set yourself up for a successful marriage, then keep on keeping on regardless of the decisions others make for themselves.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    May. 4, 2009
    Location
    Georgia
    Posts
    470

    Default

    I can relate to an extent. My sister and I are 15 months apart, I'm older. She started dating her fiance about 4 years ago and started talking seriously about getting engaged after about 2 years but nothing ever came of it. I started dating my husband a year and a half ago. We got engaged at 10 months and got married just a couple months ago. At first things were pretty tense between my sister and I. For us it wasn't so much an issue of who got married first, but more that she had been dating her guy for years and had already announced to the family that they were going to get married, then I swept in and got engaged before her. I felt a little guilty at first and she seemed a little upset that I had stolen her thunder.

    It all worked out though. She got engaged a few months ago and is getting married in about 3 weeks. I'm really excited for her and we're on really good terms now, especially now that I'm married and can just focus on her wedding.

    I know you're situation is frustrating but it will all work out. Just remember that your sister will get to go through all the wedding stuff first and work out all the kinks. I have had quite a few moments of jealousy that my sister is getting married second. I was the guinea pig and I'm sure her wedding will run much smoother than mine. lol. Just remember that you're not alone and its completely ok to feel the way you do. The important thing is to stay positive around your sister and family and just keep doing what you're doing.



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Feb. 11, 2010
    Location
    S. Calif.
    Posts
    843

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by LadyNeon01 View Post
    ... and that I'll have to run everything past my sister first because she got engaged before me.
    I don't see why you would have to 'run everything' by her first. Your engagement and subsequent wedding is between you and your future husband.

    At most you may have to not pick the same day but you might also try not to pick the same day as another type of family celebration such as a birthday or anniversary.

    What do you mean by running everything by her because she got engaged first?


    10 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Oct. 25, 2012
    Posts
    6,750

    Default

    Wanna get cured quick, go read that thread about dealing with the in-laws!


    16 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jun. 25, 2004
    Location
    Carolinas
    Posts
    5,344

    Default

    Pink Pony is on it. The main thing is when you both marry you both have a chance at happiness.

    OK so she is engaged before you, that is no guarantee she will marry or when. My eldest brother and my BF both went through broken engagements before they married. Also your sweetie may get everything together, hand you a plane ticket to some exotic location for your wedding. Middle brother did that on his 2nd (current) marriage. We had hear about her and the oldest brother knew her, but the rest of us did not. They flew to Hawaii and married on the beach without their families or grown kids.

    You never know you two may decide to have a double wedding or back2back weddings and share some of the costs.

    Finally life is too damn short to worry over thing like this. She is your sister and it sounds as though you too care for each other. My beloved sister died 11 years ago and I miss her dearly, everyday. I still think to call her to share things. Put it in perspective and enjoy the new lives for both of you.
    "Never do anything that you have to explain twice to the paramedics."
    Courtesy my cousin Tim


    3 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Sep. 5, 1999
    Location
    Central FL
    Posts
    4,574

    Default

    I am still amazed that women think getting engaged "first" or "before i am 30" like it is a contest.

    For goodness sake, if you want to get married, discuss it and agree "to be or not to be" engaged.

    Don't get me started on women who want engagement rings for birthdays, holidays, etc.


    20 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jan. 31, 2010
    Location
    Earth
    Posts
    2,442

    Default

    My little sister got married before me and I was THRILLED for her. Her BF actually asked me how I felt about him proposing, since it was about 6 months after I had broken my engagement with my then-fiance. I told him, and my parents (and later my sister), that her relationship with her BF was a separate issue from my disappointment with my ex-fiance.

    Interestingly enough, I am married to a man who is also a first-born, and HIS younger sister also was married prior to him. I guess you could say, my husband and I are sorta "special" LOL!
    Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
    W. C. Fields


    4 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Feb. 7, 2005
    Location
    Lancaster, PA
    Posts
    5,425

    Default

    Why does it matter who is first? It isn't a race. And in this age of divorce, I'd think you would want to wait for what is hopefully the right person.

    My sister is 11 years younger than me and has been with her BF for four years now. I'm pretty certain she will be married first, probably as soon as they are out of college, and that's just fine!


    5 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Aug. 12, 2010
    Location
    Westford, Massachusetts
    Posts
    5,144

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by wcporter View Post
    No offense OP, but posts like that make me really glad I have a brother.
    For sure, I have only brothers as well .

    OP, it's hard for me to understand, because I don't have a sister, but focus on setting yourself up for a quality marriage, rather than a "who got out of gate first" thing. Pink Pony is right on!

    I've been married twice. The first one was probably actually better than those of many of my friends, ex and I always got along, there was no resentment and were able to work together to raise a child even after we divorced. We're still friends, because expectations were never unreasonable. Second marriage is fine, little stress! I have a theory that putting too much emphasis on the engagement and wedding can lead to disappointment in the marriage. Some of my friends spend so much time, emotional energy and money on the process that they forget what the goal is. I'm all for skipping an engagement, putting on jeans and boots and getting married by a JOP in the woods (what I did both times ).

    I know that's pretty extreme, but I hope you get my point. Worry about the end game, not the process of getting there and not who gets there first.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Nov. 30, 2000
    Location
    Kentucky
    Posts
    7,929

    Default

    OP, reading your post I can only wonder why your BF has all the power in your relationship. If you want to be engaged now, what are you waiting for? Ask him.


    9 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Feb. 22, 2012
    Location
    MS Gulf Coast
    Posts
    729

    Default

    Thanks for all the encouraging words, everyone. Part of it is still shock. I'm really, truly happy for her. I just wish I got to meet him first, but I know I'll meet him in a few months when I go home for a visit.

    Someone mentioned something about stealing one's thunder, and that's a great way of putting how I feel. My parents (especially my mom) have been waiting for when I'll get engaged because the BF and I have been together over 10 years. And with my sister and her now fiance only being together for 8 months, it just doesn't seem fair to me. But as long as my sister is happy and its what she wants, I'm happy.

    I know that in reality, its not a competition. I'll get over it in a few days, and I'm grateful to have a BF who is understanding of my feelings. And I'll be a supportive older sister who will help her with as much wedding stuff as I can from 1200 miles away.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Feb. 22, 2012
    Location
    MS Gulf Coast
    Posts
    729

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by LaurieB View Post
    OP, reading your post I can only wonder why your BF has all the power in your relationship. If you want to be engaged now, what are you waiting for? Ask him.
    Because he's traditional enough to want to do it himself. He doesn't think it would mean the same thing if I asked him. So I'm letting him do it his way. By the way, he was rather shocked by my sister's engagement too.



  20. #20
    Join Date
    Jan. 14, 2003
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    6,506

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by LadyNeon01 View Post
    My parents (especially my mom) have been waiting for when I'll get engaged because the BF and I have been together over 10 years. And with my sister and her now fiance only being together for 8 months, it just doesn't seem fair to me.
    Are you for real? Seriously. You've been with this guy for 10 years and are upset because your sister one-upped you? You have a very strange take on life and the way things should be.


    28 members found this post helpful.

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