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  1. #21
    Join Date
    Dec. 29, 2012
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    La La Land
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    I went through this as well. We put up with my inlaws for years. They never liked me or their grandchild , our daughter. Holidays were a nightmare to the point we as a family still hate and ignore them. DH manned up on a certain occasion when they were being out of control rude and nasty and told them (in not so nice words) to back off, go away, and stay away. We haven't spoken to them since. How great is that. All I can say is now life is so much better. We as a family are soooo happy with things this way. They are not. They send b-day cards and such in the mail. Occasionally there is a passive agressive note lecturing us about life is to short to carry a grudge, and how we all made mistakes, yada, yada. Well I ask you, if you get rid of a headache do you miss it?
    OP I so feel for you, and the grief your inlaws cause you. I can not offer any advice how to cope with inlaw abuse. Cutting them off was the only thing that worked for us in the end.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Feb. 26, 2011
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    Its not nowhere, but you can see it from here
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    Totally agree with Trak here. That was hard to say. My MIL is a monster. Actually, the whole damn family is like a bunch of junior high girls. Passive aggressive BS from the MIL, rumor mongering from the rest and deliberate slights. It got the the point I hitched up my trailer to pack. Told DH I was tired of asking him t make a choice, so I would make one for him. He called his mother, told her to apologize to me for some seriously out of line behavior, she wouldn't, so he told her to eff off and she was no longer welcome in our house.

    He realized that by not respecting me, his family was not respecting or loving him. He also realized they just wanted him for his ATM like abilities. We literally never fight anymore, his family was the only source of turmoil in our marriage.

    DH needs to put on his big boy pants and tell his mom how she is expected to treat you if she wants to continue to have contact with either of you. And just unfriend the crazy bitch on fb. Then one major source of drama will be obliterated
    From AliCat518 "Seriously, why would you NOT put fried chicken in your purse?!"


    11 members found this post helpful.

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Apr. 2, 2003
    Posts
    4,716

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    My future in-laws drive me nuts.

    When I first started dating my better half, he lived at home with them (in his mid-twenties.) Therefore, everything mom and dad says is gospel.

    This comes out in odd ways, and I will give the backstory to this anecdote in a minute, but just last week he came into the bedroom after showering and sprayed on his deodorant. I made the offhand comment, since he had complained about being sweaty earlier that week and often comes in from running or otherwise smelling like a boy's locker room, that if he used an antiperspirant he would not sweat as much.

    He looked me dead in the face and said "but it blocks your sweat glands and gives you cancer!"

    Now, this is a Future-MIL ism, I am sure of it. You see, my future mother in law is the hippie of all hippies. The dining room table in her house is covered end to end in bottles of herbs, remedies, potions, etc. She uses rock crystal deodorant and if she even sees something that might look like a tick, has a lyme disease meltdown that everyone has to hear about for the next month.

    She and I have absolutely nothing to talk about, because I have 2 degrees in Biochemistry and Molecular Genetics, so when she tells me that her guru says that walking in three circles left twice a day will cure her headaches, it literally takes everything in me not to roll my eyes and say "I thought you were intelligent??"

    Meanwhile, Future FIL likes to talk about things like lawnmowers and how they're building a new road. It is the type of conversation from someone who has lived on the same street for their entire life and never been anywhere or done anything interesting.

    Did I mention they live 3 miles away, and we have to go over there for so-and-so's birthday/hallmark holiday/just because at least every other week?

    Not as bad as some of you, but I am sure they don't like me because I'm the "rich" city girl who took their son away, while they envision themselves as simple-livin' middle class folks who don't understand why you'd want to have any culture or ever leave your house. And I know he doesn't like my parents because they are always nagging him to be a responsible adult, which he finds conceptually difficult.

    We bought a house and the first night we had to stay in it my GROWN MAN was sobbing about how he wasn't ready to leave home and missed mommy. Yup. I'm stuck forever.



  4. #24
    Join Date
    Dec. 31, 2009
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    Area 51
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    If you can at all manage it, get off Facebook as it seems this is where a lot of the passive aggressive behavior is happening. Good luck to you.
    I LOVE my Chickens!


    12 members found this post helpful.

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Jul. 3, 2012
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    2,113

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    Have YOU ever liked THEM? Doesn't sound like it.

    I'm afraid not everyone is adept at social graces. Relax. It sounds to me like you go into conversations with them with a preconceived idea of how the script should read and THEY are not reading their parts right.

    Accept them for who they are, enjoy what you can and quit trying to make them measure up to your standards of polite conversation. They never will and probably don't know they aren't. The only one being tortured here is you, by your own making.
    Ride like you mean it.


    9 members found this post helpful.

  6. #26
    Join Date
    Jan. 18, 2002
    Location
    canada
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    376

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    Quote Originally Posted by bumknees View Post
    I can symphathize why you.. oh buy can I... My MIL makes the wicked witch of the west look like the good fairy I kid you not.

    How dh and I made it 28 almost 29yrs is beyond me well I know the secret we moved to the other coast from her. And that was almost far enough, the middle of the Atlantic would have been perfect but it was difficult to build or find a house there. This was before the internet was everywhere.

    The first year we were married because we were not married in "the church" she tried to get our marriage annulled.. The pastor laughed.

    Every time Dh would return from being out to sea for more than a week she would call to see if he could come home for him to do something that no one else in the house could do ( this included 2sil and their Dh's, fil and 1 bil who was unmarried). And we would go home and do it and "we"" would have dinner and she would say we didn't expect you to bring her so we didn't make enough for her, sorry there just isn't enough for her to eat.

    Even after we moved to the other coast and we had been married about 15yrs or so she called dh too come out to fix her computer. So he went and she sent his ex-gf to pick him up because " she was to busy" of course ex is the one she wished he had married so he could keep her in the life style she wished to be come acustome to.. she was a multi-million $$ heirest.

    And those are just the high lights..
    So now we just go back for funerals we figure the next one will be hers as FIL has already passed as well as an aunt (fil sister).
    Now this is really bad. Actually telling you there wasn't enough dinner, this wins the lowest of the low prize.
    Words are only words as far as i am concerned, but this was beyond hurtful.
    www.tayvalleyfarm.com
    My other home.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  7. #27
    Join Date
    Aug. 29, 2012
    Location
    Bahstin, Mass
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    656

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    [QUOTE=soloudinhere;7001069We bought a house and the first night we had to stay in it my GROWN MAN was sobbing about how he wasn't ready to leave home and missed mommy. Yup. I'm stuck forever.[/QUOTE]

    Why haven't you RUN fast and far away yet?!
    Quote Originally Posted by AffirmedHope View Post
    Legend says, if you say "pumpkin spice latte" in the mirror 3 times, a white girl in yoga pants and Ugg boots will appear and tell you all her favorite things about fall.


    27 members found this post helpful.

  8. #28
    Join Date
    Mar. 24, 2012
    Posts
    1,648

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    Cut them out of your life and stop trying to be friends with them.

    Tell your husband why. I agree with trakehner, your husband is enabling this crap .


    6 members found this post helpful.

  9. #29
    Join Date
    Jul. 20, 1999
    Location
    CA
    Posts
    3,215

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    It sounds like you've already accepted that your hubby is a weenie who won't stand up for you. If you're ok with that, perhaps now it's also time to accept how your in laws communicate and stop hoping for a different reply. If you know when you see an IM it's going to end with silence, just be glad it's quick and short and don't expect it to magically turn into something nice. Or else block them or go incognito on FB.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  10. #30
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,400

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    Anyone who has someone on facebook that's a pain, can block or hide their postings, limit your privacy on your postings, and they'll never know. If you unfriend someone they know.

    And to stop drop in visits, change the locks whenever you move to a new place. Not only because of the previous owner dropping in, but because you never know who else has made a copy or been given a copy.

    Soloud-There's a reason I'm not married, because I would have sent him home to mommy.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    4 members found this post helpful.

  11. #31
    Join Date
    Jan. 6, 2003
    Location
    CT
    Posts
    3,434

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    The responses are giving me comfort. I do agree FB is a major source of irritation. At least when DH has them on speaker phone in the office I can walk away and not hear the derogatory comments. They're blocked now. Duh.. that was easy.

    Someone said I never liked them, nor did I hope to. Not true. His dad is very similar to mine on first glance; both mechanical, and farm-y types. And I was told mom worked with and bought and sold horses in her younger years.

    Come to find out, any conversations I had with each quickly devolved into them ignoring any attempt I made at such, and blatantly talking over me. Or just responding to a comment I make on their topic with: "Well ANYWAY... those squirrels sure are FAT!" or the like..

    I should've gotten the hint when I picked them up from NYC after a flight in from the midwest. DH was in the hospital, and they were terrified of The Big City. Stressful for them, and I wanted to be comforting, bright and helpful despite the situation. Pulled up, jumped out, loaded luggage and tried to make polite conversation ie: Don't worry, you'll have a stress - free place to stay once we're home. I picked up XYZ b/c I know you like that, but we can stop for anything on the way in if you'd like something else for dinner. How was the flight?"

    The response was literally "UUNGHH!".

    Certain I had misunderstood them, I asked again. "Are you guys okay? Was the flight really bad?"

    "UUNNNNGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

    And the ride for the next hour, in traffic, despite a few more of my attempts at small talk was made in total silence. Shoulda took the clue then.

    Thanks everyone.

    At least the one time they made dinner they provided enough food for me. THAT was hateful. So sorry you experienced that but better we listen when folks tell us who they are, the FIRST time.
    Last edited by Sansena; May. 27, 2013 at 10:35 AM. Reason: add


    3 members found this post helpful.

  12. #32
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2001
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    Packing my bags
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    31,438

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    you know, people make a lot of money off their dysfunctional families. They do stand up or write screen plays for sitcoms.

    I am sorry, but I had to laugh out loud when you told the story about the recipe....that was right out of everybody loves Raymond.

    I had a lady tell me one time 'my MIL was just like Marie, just not as nice!'

    they are a-holes. Thank the Lord you are not.

    then make them your muse, write a murder mystery or a sitcom.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  13. #33
    Join Date
    Feb. 11, 2010
    Location
    S. Calif.
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    721

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    Quote Originally Posted by Trakehner View Post
    You're blaming the wrong person. It's your husband's fault.

    What? I hear you say. Yep, it's his fault.

    I'm a guy, if my relatives ever treated my wife this way, they'd be picking their head up off the floor. Once you got married, your husband was your family, his mom/dad etc. were relatives.

    It's not YOUR job to butt heads with your mother-in-law. His excuse that "well, her MIL treated her badly" is total BS. Her damn husband should have protected his wife from his mother. It's your husbands job to protect his wife, especially from his parents.

    Your MIL isn't passive-aggressive...she's aggressive-aggressive and a bitch. Your husband needs to really talk with his father..."Dad, STFU and you'd better never treat my wife with anything other than respect" Sounds like he wants to be mommy's boy and not make her mad.

    I suggest having a long talk with your husband. Tell him you expect a man to protect his wife from anyone/everyone. If he prefers to make his mommy happy and make excuses for your terrible treatment, I don't think he's the guy you hoped he was. As a male I'm disgusted he's letting his damn family treat you this way, there is no excuse...EVER! To allow you to be abused by his screwed up family.

    Good luck, you deserve better and a man, not a boy.
    I agree with this post completely! In fact, I don't recall seeing that many "likes" on Coth! (45 as of now).

    Quote Originally Posted by Sansena View Post
    Typical interaction goes like (after weeks of silence).....*poof* IM "Tell Son I got his flowers. They're beautiful and he was so thoughtful to remember my birthday".... to which I reply "I will, but you should know I sent them on his behalf"..... no reply
    I would just say "We're so glad you like them" and that would be the end of the conversation on both sides.

    Your reply is looking for an acknowledgment that you bought the flowers. Are you hoping she'll say "oh, how nice of YOU to buy them for me". Never going to happen.


    8 members found this post helpful.

  14. #34
    Join Date
    Mar. 10, 2009
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    5,460

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    Quote Originally Posted by Macimage View Post
    I agree with this post completely! In fact, I don't recall seeing that many "likes" on Coth! (45 as of now).
    Trakehner's blunt nature is abrasive sometimes, but this time he nailed it!


    4 members found this post helpful.

  15. #35
    Join Date
    Aug. 2, 2004
    Location
    Whidbey Is, Wash.
    Posts
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    I heart blunt people.
    Aisha, my heart from 03/06/1986 to 08/22/2008.

    COTH's official mini-donk enabler.
    Odie, aka the Evil Burrito, is on Facebook.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  16. #36
    Join Date
    Jul. 19, 2007
    Location
    Michigan
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    10,375

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sansena View Post

    I should've gotten the hint when I picked them up from NYC after a flight in from the midwest. DH was in the hospital, and they were terrified of The Big City. Stressful for them, and I wanted to be comforting, bright and helpful despite the situation. Pulled up, jumped out, loaded luggage and tried to make polite conversation ie: Don't worry, you'll have a stress - free place to stay once we're home. I picked up XYZ b/c I know you like that, but we can stop for anything on the way in if you'd like something else for dinner. How was the flight?"

    The response was literally "UUNGHH!".

    Certain I had misunderstood them, I asked again. "Are you guys okay? Was the flight really bad?"

    "UUNNNNGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

    And the ride for the next hour, in traffic, despite a few more of my attempts at small talk was made in total silence. Shoulda took the clue then.
    Um...yeah. In that situation, I would probably be hoping you'd just shut up, too. I hate flying, I DESPISE NYC and hate absolutely every second whenever I have to be there, I would probably not be interested in small talk, either. Turn on the radio and don't try to chat. (Or in my case, my brother just lets me rant about how horrible the whole place is and how there are far too many people and tall buildings until we're out of the city. I say the same thing about Chicago, which I few as this horrible cesspit I have to go to if I want to go to Arlington or which I have to get through to get to other places.) So from their perspective, they don't want to talk and you're chatting at them. Read the situation and stop.

    It sounds like mostly there are serious differences in communication (ie, stop trying to be chatty with people who are sending signals they don't want to be), plus a MIL who's passive-aggressive, which should be addressed like Trak said--your husband's her son, he should man up and tell her to act like an adult.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  17. #37
    Join Date
    Feb. 14, 2012
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    Fern Creek, KY
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    Team Trakehner. I also have the MIL from who knows where. It's very clear to me that I am NOT the woman that she envisioned her son being married too.

    Then. When I had a *gasp* DAUGHTER instead of a son (DH is the only boy) it was made clear that it was my fault that the family name would not live on. We found out our second is going to be a girl as well, and my MIL actually cried and said that we'd failed... *sigh*. It is continually mentioned how my SIL had two BOYS, and she had them with NO epidural, and she was so tough, and so brave, and blah blah blah. How I was dirty and disgusting for breastfeeding DD until she was 9 months old.

    I think that this past Thanksgiving was when my DH actually got the idea that he needed to step up and say something. We had agreed that we sound spend Thanksgiving with his family, and Christmas with mine. Fine by me. I had an obligation, so DH went a day early with DD and I was to drive down first thing in the morning. I'd never made the drive to my in-laws by myself, and it was DD's first major holiday so my MIL gave me directions to the 'quickest' way to their house. Told me they would eat at 3 (it's a 2 and a half hour drive). I left at 9 am and got so. freaking. lost it was impossible. DH called me at noon asking "Where are you? We are sitting down to eat!" I exploded. I think I screamed at him for 15 minutes. Turns out his mother had given me directions to east of nowhere and lied about what time they would eat. I finally got there, took DD, and left. Didn't say a word to anybody, and the whole family was there. We had a lovely dinner at my parents, and DH had a LONG talk with Mommy dearest. I still get really angry thinking about it, but have tried to stay civil and polite.

    We've only had one incident after that, when DH, DD, and I got the chance to go to a marriage retreat in CT. She offered to come up and stay with the dogs for us and hubby accepted her offer. Our hound is pretty sensitive to change, and will have accidents in the house (he was 6 months at the time). I told her lots of outside time and offer him lots of chances to potty. Well she managed to 'lock' herself out the second day we were there, so we had to have the son of the other couple we were there with pick her up (it was Jan) and take her to their house while we rushed the 7 hours home to rescue her. Turns out the key was under the mat, exactly where I told her it was. And the hound had made plenty of messes in the house (apparently 'take him out pretty often' was translated into once) and she hadn't bothered to clean them up.

    I could go on and on... I've tried to let go of SO much anger that I have towards her but it's hard when she's making cracks about how I failed her son by giving him two daughters and no sons and we should keep having kids until we have a boy. Umm... no. What is this 1420? She is also constantly comparing DD to my SIL son (who is a holy terror... just stomped on his week old brother and broke his arm...) and how I should really think about parenting more like beloved SIL.

    Then add in younger SIL trying to tell me how to care for my horses, because you know, she rode twice when she was 5 so clearly she knows all about it...

    Rage... I has it.
    Quote Originally Posted by MistyBlue View Post
    I prefer them outside playing as opposed to standing in the barn aisle playing "I can crap more than you"
    New Year, New Blog... follow Willow and I here.


    8 members found this post helpful.

  18. #38
    Join Date
    Aug. 22, 2001
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    Almost Aiken
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    Well, since XY= male and XX= female, and each parent contributes one chromosome, it ain't you who is "responsible" for producing girls! Or boys for that matter.


    12 members found this post helpful.

  19. #39
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    Feb. 14, 2012
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    Fern Creek, KY
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    Quote Originally Posted by saje View Post
    Well, since XY= male and XX= female, and each parent contributes one chromosome, it ain't you who is "responsible" for producing girls! Or boys for that matter.
    I've tried explaining it to her... she's been a nurse for over 20 years, so you'd think that she knows how the whole game works, but I suppose it's much easier to blame things on me than realize that I might actually be blameless in this one. I was never happier than when we moved 900 miles away!
    Quote Originally Posted by MistyBlue View Post
    I prefer them outside playing as opposed to standing in the barn aisle playing "I can crap more than you"
    New Year, New Blog... follow Willow and I here.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  20. #40
    Join Date
    Jan. 6, 2003
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    CT
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    Quote Originally Posted by danceronice View Post
    Um...yeah. In that situation, I would probably be hoping you'd just shut up, too. I hate flying, I DESPISE NYC and hate absolutely every second whenever I have to be there, I would probably not be interested in small talk, either. Turn on the radio and don't try to chat. (Or in my case, my brother just lets me rant about how horrible the whole place is and how there are far too many people and tall buildings until we're out of the city. I say the same thing about Chicago, which I few as this horrible cesspit I have to go to if I want to go to Arlington or which I have to get through to get to other places.) So from their perspective, they don't want to talk and you're chatting at them. Read the situation and stop.
    Right I get that.

    But to not even squeak out 'Hi'? That's just mindbogglingly rude IMO. Nevermind thank you...


    9 members found this post helpful.

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