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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan. 6, 2003
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    CT
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    3,380

    Angry Dealing with the In - Laws..

    They hate me. Been obvious since meeting number one. I'm sick of the passive aggressive shit so I keep interactions to a minimum, usually a quick note on FB where they boast about what they've got, made, done. And I'm supposed to say something complimentary, Oooh and Aahh. Then, nothing...

    Typical interaction goes like (after weeks of silence).....*poof* IM "Tell Son I got his flowers. They're beautiful and he was so thoughtful to remember my birthday".... to which I reply "I will, but you should know I sent them on his behalf"..... no reply

    Or, *poof* Out of no-where... "Your FIL just bought a tractor". I try to make pleasantries, "Oh, sounds like he's been shopping a while, is it a big one? What make did he decide upon? Did he go with the Kabota?"... response: "He spent too much on it". Period end of communication.

    Once, *poof* IM... "We got chickens last week".. me "That's great! I like chickens.. fresh eggs, eat bugs, could watch 'em for hours. What kind did you get?".. response... none.

    Today, *poof*... "What are you getting son for birthday?".. I replied "Haven't shopped yet. Just a card so far" (Birthday is in 2 days and he never tells me what he wants, despite my asking)... response is "What a nice surprise".

    In the beginning of the marriage I foolishly asked MIL for her recipes for chicken and dumplings and pot roast. She's barely literate and I had a heck of a time trying to reproduce her food to DH's standards. Each time I made the recipes, they were AWFUL. And I asked several times and I tried several times. Each one was as bad as the last. Lo and behold, I came down with the flu once and asked DH to make the chicken for me. He got he recipe from mom. My husband who's allergic to anything in the kitchen not involving a microwave made a perfect dish. The difference? The recipe of course. Bitch had been sending me ones with omissions or deliberate mistakes.

    They NEVER ask how I am, what's new, what's going on. NEVER express concern to me if they know I'm sick or injured or dealing with a car accident, a dying animal, or my own geriatric dad, etc. They ask SON how I am, but it's always followed with "Is she working again?"

    Well, yes. Yes she is and HAS been even though I stopped working for ONE person and now am self employed and have SEVERAL farms & customers..

    They hate me because I'm from the NE/ US. Even tho' MIL is from Philadelphia, it's ME that's 'The Yankee'.

    Ugh. Ranting. Thanks for listening. Can you guys share, please? Because I know I'm not the only one who gets fed up with the bullshit. I tell husband about it and he says "Oh mom wasnt' accepted by my DAD's mom so it's only natural" and I have NO idea what FILs problem is other than being a misogynist and thinking all women are beneath him...

    I know it won't get me anywhere to let them know I'm sick of their shit, but MAN I get so tempted every time. I'm just sick the the feigned, niceties then the little barbs being thrown.

    You??


    2 members found this post helpful.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec. 4, 2005
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    washington state
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    6,901

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    I don't put up with anything but my lack of patience and direct communication style may be why I have stayed unmarried I would have said "Ya know MIL, you have mentioned to your son three times now about if I am working again? I need to clarify that I am, and I am concerned that you don't know that. Did you not know that? Because otherwise it sounds like a rude comment or barb, was that how you meant it?" in person, and I woudn't stop until she answered.

    Just an FYI, I keep chat turned off on FB and everything else. I *hate* people knowing when I am or am not online.
    The Knotted Pony

    Proud and upstanding member of the Snort and Blow Clique.


    13 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul. 11, 2004
    Posts
    6,778

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    You're blaming the wrong person. It's your husband's fault.

    What? I hear you say. Yep, it's his fault.

    I'm a guy, if my relatives ever treated my wife this way, they'd be picking their head up off the floor. Once you got married, your husband was your family, his mom/dad etc. were relatives.

    It's not YOUR job to butt heads with your mother-in-law. His excuse that "well, her MIL treated her badly" is total BS. Her damn husband should have protected his wife from his mother. It's your husbands job to protect his wife, especially from his parents.

    Your MIL isn't passive-aggressive...she's aggressive-aggressive and a bitch. Your husband needs to really talk with his father..."Dad, STFU and you'd better never treat my wife with anything other than respect" Sounds like he wants to be mommy's boy and not make her mad.

    I suggest having a long talk with your husband. Tell him you expect a man to protect his wife from anyone/everyone. If he prefers to make his mommy happy and make excuses for your terrible treatment, I don't think he's the guy you hoped he was. As a male I'm disgusted he's letting his damn family treat you this way, there is no excuse...EVER! To allow you to be abused by his screwed up family.

    Good luck, you deserve better and a man, not a boy.
    "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"


    88 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar. 10, 2009
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    See, I'm like TTDoc here. It's probably a good thing my MIL died before DH and I married. I never met her but have heard enough horror stories (my BIL calls her "the meanest person I've ever known") to know we'd have been at each others' throats.

    Is your husband aware of how his parents make you feel? He's the one who will have to do any kind of mediating; you know they won't take anything you say to heart.

    *Edit - Trakehner posted before I did and said it better, mostly. (I prefer to think your husband is just oblivious. If you don't tell him, he won't know it bothers you).


    8 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct. 23, 2004
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    Sisters, Oregon
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    Quote Originally Posted by Trakehner View Post
    You're blaming the wrong person. It's your husband's fault.

    What? I hear you say. Yep, it's his fault.

    I'm a guy, if my relatives ever treated my wife this way, they'd be picking their head up off the floor. Once you got married, your husband was your family, his mom/dad etc. were relatives.

    It's not YOUR job to butt heads with your mother-in-law. His excuse that "well, her MIL treated her badly" is total BS. Her damn husband should have protected his wife from his mother. It's your husbands job to protect his wife, especially from his parents.

    Your MIL isn't passive-aggressive...she's aggressive-aggressive and a bitch. Your husband needs to really talk with his father..."Dad, STFU and you'd better never treat my wife with anything other than respect" Sounds like he wants to be mommy's boy and not make her mad.

    I suggest having a long talk with your husband. Tell him you expect a man to protect his wife from anyone/everyone. If he prefers to make his mommy happy and make excuses for your terrible treatment, I don't think he's the guy you hoped he was. As a male I'm disgusted he's letting his damn family treat you this way, there is no excuse...EVER! To allow you to be abused by his screwed up family.

    Good luck, you deserve better and a man, not a boy.
    I commend you Trakehner for being a real man and true husband.
    I wish every wife would show their husband this response, whether their husband needs to read it or not.
    This is precisely what my Father did with his Mother. She was horrid to my Mother until then.

    OP, this really does fall squarely on your husband. If he tolerates this what does that say about his respect and feelings for you?
    Kanoe Godby
    www.dyrkgodby.com
    See, I was raised by wolves and am really behind the 8-ball on diplomatic issue resolution.


    16 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar. 19, 2010
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    Trakehner has the right attitude. I found reading and implementing 'Toxic Inlaws loving strategies for protecting your marriage' by Susan Forward to be extremely helpful. I wish I had read it 26 years ago when I married, it wouldn't have made my inlaws different people but would have helped me cope with them.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun. 9, 2009
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    The Frozen Tundra
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    Trakehner has it 100% right. You have done your part. Now it is time for DH to do his.
    ~~Member of the TB's Rule Clique ~~


    7 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Aug. 5, 2009
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    895

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    Kill her with kindness. It gives me a perverse joy to be sickeningly sweet, until people lose it and are just balls-out rude to me

    Quote Originally Posted by Sansena View Post
    I tell husband about it and he says "Oh mom wasnt' accepted by my DAD's mom so it's only natural"
    That's just BS; I've never understood that way of thinking. If MIL wasn't treated nicely, then it is up to her to take a stand, and be responsible for changing her actions. It's entirely her choice, and they both sound like bitter, unhappy, small-minded people. Hold your head high, just keep swimming, and smile to yourself because it also sounds like they might be a tiny bit jealous of your life and how you live it.

    My MIL was just lovely and we got along great -- until FIL (think Mike Franks from NCIS ) died of massive, sudden, no warning heart attack. Then she lost her ever-lovin' mind.

    She woke up the next morning and decided since her Darling Sun-Moon-Stars Son lived in small apartment with the Previously-Married-Woman (me) and her offspring (DD was 6 1/2 at the time; I'd been divorced for 3 years at this time), and she was now alone in a good-sized house, we should move 1+ hours to the house and she would go find an apartment.

    So we packed everything up (even though SMSSon and I weren't even engaged at this point) and moved into HER house (she moved to apt 5 min away), which she never ceases to remind everyone. I don't devote my life to cleaning and gardening, so now I am off her good list. I got a certificate for my birthday one year for "assistance in cleaning the basement - and feelings will be hurt if this is not used."

    Feelings were hurt...oops.

    The problem? She still comes over daily to work in "her" gardens. She was hanging curtains, replacing pillows, cleaning, doing laundry and generally moving everything in the house to where SHE kept it. She would show up at 8am on the weekends, and start banging around in the yard (right outside our bedroom window . . . ahem, mood-killing to say the least), so we had to ask that she not come over on weekends -- huge drama. She came over one weekday morning so early, I was getting ready for work and walked out of the bathroom in my underwear, and she was standing in the hall! Seriously? So we had to come to the agreement that if my car is in the driveway, she doesn't come in. Except the one time that I was working from home, left for 15 minutes to run lunch money to my DD's school, and came home to find my front door open, all the windows open, the house torn apart and MIL cleaning a r o u n d my open laptop and coffee on the table. I was SOOOO P I S S E D!!!!

    When I asked her to stop putting my clothes in the dryer (= irreversible shrinkage), that all stopped faster than an Indy racecar. Yay me!

    The straw that broke the camel's back was when she informed my now-husband that she's given up the hope of having a grandchild. When SMSSon pointed out that DD was her step-grandchild, she stated "that doesn't count, she's not blood" --- while DD sat not 3 feet away (thankfully engrossed in her video game). WTF?!?!?!

    My DH is wonderful, but promised his dad that he would take care of his mother. So he minimizes interaction, and nods and smiles a lot, and promised that when she does die, we can move near my family 9 hours away Unfortunately, she's going to outlive us all...
    Last edited by 2horseygirls; May. 27, 2013 at 01:15 AM. Reason: Add forgotten thought


    1 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Nov. 23, 1999
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    South Coast Plaza
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    20,334

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    Team Trakehner. Your husband should have shut down the first time she was a bitch. His dad as well.
    EDDIE WOULD GO


    6 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Aug. 2, 2004
    Location
    Whidbey Is, Wash.
    Posts
    9,655

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    Not my MIL, but my M. Poisonous woman, and I have story after story after story of the lies she has told about DH and I, about how DH is after her money , how I gave away a $25k pony (that was lame and she hadn't been able to sell for two years in an active lesson barn, but was certainly willing to trade me my green homegrown which she then sold for $12k...leaving me with a lame upper-teenage pony I couldn't fix, so yes I "gave her away" to where she is loved), how I "abandoned" her, how I am horrible and didn't take her side in her fourth divorce, etc etc. I also have a text from her telling me I am the source of everything wrong in her life.


    We don't speak any longer. I happen to adore my MIL, she's a hoot.
    Aisha, my heart from 03/06/1986 to 08/22/2008.

    COTH's official mini-donk enabler.
    Odie, aka the Evil Burrito, is on Facebook.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Aug. 10, 2008
    Location
    Statesboro, GA
    Posts
    928

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    My daughter's FIL told her, "They are not your horses, they are my son's horses, you were not working when you got them" And my SIL did not have the balls to say anything to his dad. What makes it even worse is that I bought the horses. SIL told her that it was no use to speak up because his dad would not change. Hello? How about to defend you wife?

    I did respect my SIL as a person, until then. I don't see how my daughter puts up with this kind of stuff.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Sep. 11, 2011
    Location
    Area VI
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    1,740

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    *waves hand up and down* ME TOO! ME TOO!!!

    My MIL and StepFIL aren't as aggressive, but MAN they piss me off. First time I ever heard from them was one DH's military graduations, in VA. I'm from IL, his family is in SD. She called (while I was working) and left me a message stating how they were excited to meet me and were expecting me to stay WITH THEM in a hotel room in VA. Ummm...no. I hit it off with DH's sisters immediately, and thankfully was able to stay with them, not Future In-Laws and their son. Our views on pretty much everything are drastically different. Religion, politics, living within a few hours (or as of now, days) of family members..

    They are hypocritical, and that's what drives me insane. They flipped a lid and gave DH "The Talk" about "Being a goodS Christian" when they learned we were living together in sin. (Oh the horror!) One summer when he was doing an internship in SD, he lived with his sister. I came to visit for a week a couple times, and they always made it clear, to everyone in ear shot, how they would be happy to let me stay with them. Once again, no thanks.

    They are also very judgmental, despite being "good Christians". Anyone who has a different lifestyle is immediately a sinner, frowned upon, and don't even mention the word "gay" near them! Fox News is the only thing they watch, and when they figured out (probably from the lack of conversation and look on my face when they started bitching about "heathen liberals") I'm sitting on the left, they about had another lid flip.

    What gets me the most is we get along for the most part, but it's so forced I can feel it. They've never been outwardly rude, especially in front of DH, but I catch little comments, or tone of voice, that are meant to be cheap shots. MIL has a little laugh that just drives. me. bonkers. StepFIL farms, and likes to point out how much money horses burn and how "ya can't get nothin' out of 'em, and they're just hay burners". Yep.

    Now, FIL, sisters, brothers? They're all a hoot. But definitely not MIL and StepFIL.

    I know it could be WAY worse. OP, you've definitely got it worse than me. But it does feel good to vent!!
    Last edited by runNjump86; May. 27, 2013 at 04:11 AM. Reason: clarifying


    2 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Nov. 7, 2002
    Location
    Central FL
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    You put up with that with distance, either physical or mental, and not caring a bit what those people say ... to you. But when others are involved, the person with the most at stake (the child of that parent) shares that being unkind, even with words, to family members results in no contact.

    If you don't do that, you create a huge rift that lingers on for generations

    "you" being your husband, OP.

    The challenge is that he may be numb to it after years of "oh dear, I'm sorry someone's feelings are hurt. They obviously misunderstood my intentions" *sniffle*sniffle*dab*eye*delicately*with*hankie.

    My heart goes out to you. I had a "SIL" like that and my inability to be gracious for more than a couple of years definitely influenced the end of my relationship to her brother.
    *=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=
    Dressage becomes art when it is a joy for the horse. -KBH

    Mighty Thoroughbred Clique Now on Facebook ... ... show the loff


    1 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jan. 6, 2003
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    CT
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    Quote Originally Posted by AllWeatherGal View Post
    You put up with that with distance, either physical or mental, and not caring a bit what those people say ... to you. But when others are involved, the person with the most at stake (the child of that parent) shares that being unkind, even with words, to family members results in no contact.

    If you don't do that, you create a huge rift that lingers on for generations

    "you" being your husband, OP.

    The challenge is that he may be numb to it after years of "oh dear, I'm sorry someone's feelings are hurt. They obviously misunderstood my intentions" *sniffle*sniffle*dab*eye*delicately*with*hankie.

    My heart goes out to you. I had a "SIL" like that and my inability to be gracious for more than a couple of years definitely influenced the end of my relationship to her brother.
    You know, every one is absolutely right. DH is 'afraid' to speak to mom because she pulls the crocodile tears at the drop of a hat. Accountability is zero. FIL has his issues with son, son has made requests for change: it doesn't.

    There's a whole host of dysfunction there that one conversation isn't going to fix and they really DON't give a true flying fig WHO's feelings they hurt. Self absorbed? You bet. And when you draw a line in the sand, they cross it-- either thru habit, or ignorance, repeatedly. Whatever. Hold 'em accountable and she starts to cry claiming she never meant to. Funny though.. apparently she's hurt LOTS of people's feelings.

    And FIL makes passive aggressive comments, trying to come across as 'sweet' but he clearly is faking it.

    They both have their issues in their own relationship and it's amazing, now that I step back and think of it.. they treat eachother the same way they treat me. So of course, I won't expect change. DH will have a bit of an earful next time we speak, but I'm not optimistic. So since we can't change others, I was looking for advice on how I can deal with this within myself.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Nov. 7, 2002
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    Central FL
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sansena View Post
    So since we can't change others, I was looking for advice on how I can deal with this within myself.
    Kevlar

    and the best advice often repeated on CoTH (which I can rarely muster in times of need) the reply "Well, bless you!"

    *chuckle* ... I think I will try to imagine every time someone says something that raises my hackles, I'll imagine they're just sneezing!
    *=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=
    Dressage becomes art when it is a joy for the horse. -KBH

    Mighty Thoroughbred Clique Now on Facebook ... ... show the loff


    2 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Oct. 5, 2007
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    236

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    UGH, Me too. In laws have been a complete PITA for 20 yrs. True colours came out very early. SHE liked the last girlfriend, well not really, they hated her too. But suddenly the ex was perfect. Took 6+ yrs and my son being diagnosed with cancer for the ex to go away as she was SIL`s BFF (NOT!!).

    I hate any and all interaction with MIL. Now I have the wall up whenever she is around and fortunately that is only a handful of times a year. Unfortunately it tends to ruin most of MY holidays. Most of the time I just let her say whatever and try my best to ignore her or at least give her no satisfaction in reacting.

    However I won`t put up with her BS when it comes to my kids or pets.

    I don`t know what MIL`s problem is, but I do know (after counselling) it is HER problem, not mine. DH is no help and quotes mommy much to his regret. Then my claws come out. If he doesn`t know better by now - too bad, I have had enough.

    Best part is they are out of the country 6 months of the year.

    One of my favorites was MIL saying my name.

    Its pretty simple

    Carolyn

    NOT Carol - LINE

    I was always quietly correcting her like I do most people, until one day I finally said at the dinner table:

    You have a niece named Lynn and I NEVER hear you call her LINE. My name is CAROLYN!!! Then for years I got the much exaggerated over pronunciation. Because everyone knows how hard it is to learn a new language. Huge hurtle adjusting from English to Canadian English


    1 members found this post helpful.

  17. #17
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    Apr. 20, 2011
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    751

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    Sansena-- we should meet for coffee and "kvetch" LOL

    my in laws (mostly MIL) yuk!! my DH has 4 brothers, and MIL has hated each and every female any of them have ever dated/lived with/married. My MIL really gave herself permission to just say/do anything she felt like, no matter how inappropriate, rude or hurtful it might be.

    my DH is NOT the conflict loving kind, so of course he said nothing, did almost nothing to make the situation different. I, however, am NOT afraid to stand up for myself/ my children, even HIS children when needed.

    once, after DH and I had our son (I have DS from first marraige, now adopted by DH) we went there for Christmas. Our son got a ton of toys and presents.... MY son got- a .99 coloring book and a 4pk of crayons. There's 4 yrs between them, so he clearly knew something was NQR, but of course too young to really understand. When we got ready to leave, I left every single thing she had given both boys in a small pile, and told her, these boys are BOTH your son's now, and will be treated equal. If you can't find your way to spending any $ on the older, do not spend for the younger, because the older gets hurt, but doesn't understand the message you are sending to ME.

    Later, MIL and BIL had come to visit and had a HUGE argument about my failure to put my then 16yr old stepdaughter on birth control (not my job I felt, her job, and BF) and as this argument is spiraling out of control my DH was NOT stepping up in any way, ugh. anyhow, MIL said some really mean, low comments, one of which was "I jsut don't see what he sees in you anyway, none of us ever has" and my response was (I really do regret it now, many years later) really rude and crude and had a sexual nature to it,,,,, but it shut her up long enough for me to tell her to get in her car and go home, and that she wouldl not ever be welcome in my home again if that's the way she was going to treat me.

    And that was that. For the next 8/10 years, DH had as much contact or visits with them that he wanted, but I didn't talk to her. AT ALL. ^^^ was only one example of the conflicts that would go on, I was the on DIL that would actually defend myself, the others just let things slide and then bitched about it later, but I wasn't about to be bullied or abused by MIL or anyone, nor would I allow her little digs at my kids.

    I do feel it was my DH's job to stand up for me, for us, but I also feel that being raised by her, with her screeching and bullying ways, that he was not capable of it. Every time he tried to talk with her about her treatment, it got turned into a battle, poor me, etc as others have described, and he would back down.

    I don't get it really. Together DH and I have 5 kids, they've all brought home someone that we don't really connect with, or that we would rather have go away sooner rather than later, but I have never been antagonistic, rude, mean, or hurtful with any of them... I always have in the back of my mind that if this person truly makes one of the kids happy and feel loved, well, good enough then. I would absolutely HATE if any DIL or SIL hated us and we couldn't find a way to have happy holidays....


    6 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
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    May. 11, 2004
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    I can symphathize why you.. oh buy can I... My MIL makes the wicked witch of the west look like the good fairy I kid you not.

    How dh and I made it 28 almost 29yrs is beyond me well I know the secret we moved to the other coast from her. And that was almost far enough, the middle of the Atlantic would have been perfect but it was difficult to build or find a house there. This was before the internet was everywhere.

    The first year we were married because we were not married in "the church" she tried to get our marriage annulled.. The pastor laughed.

    Every time Dh would return from being out to sea for more than a week she would call to see if he could come home for him to do something that no one else in the house could do ( this included 2sil and their Dh's, fil and 1 bil who was unmarried). And we would go home and do it and "we"" would have dinner and she would say we didn't expect you to bring her so we didn't make enough for her, sorry there just isn't enough for her to eat.

    Even after we moved to the other coast and we had been married about 15yrs or so she called dh too come out to fix her computer. So he went and she sent his ex-gf to pick him up because " she was to busy" of course ex is the one she wished he had married so he could keep her in the life style she wished to be come acustome to.. she was a multi-million $$ heirest.

    And those are just the high lights..
    So now we just go back for funerals we figure the next one will be hers as FIL has already passed as well as an aunt (fil sister).
    Friend of bar .ka



  19. #19
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    Feb. 20, 2010
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sansena View Post
    So since we can't change others, I was looking for advice on how I can deal with this within myself.
    My parents had this issue with bro's inlaws, which at least is easier to deal with because in-law/in-law is a step removed. But eventually they pretty much scaled back contact to just info exchange re: who's taking a grandkid for the weekend or something. If bro/SIL have an event in their home and both sets of parents are there everyone is cordial, but they're no longer invited to my parents' home - the last big holdout was Xmas and that decision was finally made (not to invite).

    If I were you I'd do the same. I'd ignore their POOF contacts unless it was something needing an answer, like "what time should we arrive for kid's bday" or something. No chit-chatty questions - why would you engage, if you know they're probably getting off on ignoring you? I wouldn't ask after them. I'd frankly quit sending them flowers "on husband's behalf" - let him deal with his emotionally manipulative mother himself, or face the fallout when she doesn't get a card for her bday. Not your problem. Step back.


    13 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
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    There comes a point with parents and in-laws that, when we become adults, we have to stop trying to wish them into being who we want them to be. I don't know how physically close you live but treat them politely when you must and get on with your life else where. I lived 10-15 miles from mine for 16 years and don't think they came to my home 1/2 dozen times, which was fine with me. We were polite to each other and there was an affection between us that grew out of our mutual love for my children and DH. But that took time. Other than that we had nothing really in common. I had no expectation about how one interacted with in-laws as my grandparents all died before I was born and half the family lived in another country. They weren't bad, just different from what I was use to. I don't think I ever had a conversation with my father-in-law, just exchanged pleasantries.

    Learning to accept people for who they are and realize that you would never be friends with them or do anything other than smile and nod if you saw them, if they weren't in laws is a hard one. One of my rules is " you deal with your family and I'll deal with mine" and that works most of the time.


    3 members found this post helpful.

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    By AlterStrength in forum Eventing
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    Last Post: Jun. 30, 2009, 09:33 AM

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randomness