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  1. #21
    Join Date
    Apr. 4, 2010
    Location
    yonder a bit, GA
    Posts
    3,597

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    That question ticks me off a lot I know some people use the word real because they don't know the vocabulary of adoption quite well enough, but every time that is said I make a point to clarify that we're talking about biology Not 'realness'...

    People (moreso when I was a kid) would see my mom and I and exclaim something about my hair, asking where I got the curls or the color. We'd usually just smile and say my dad's family has lots of redheads, or thick hair etc. Whenever people point out things like that (lack of resemblance, though my family does kinda look related), they're just being typical humans, wanting to find patterns. Unless someone is being really persistent about it I don't take those questions to be intrusive.... Actually I've probably said similar things to other people myself
    (A decidedly unhorsey) MrB knocks over a feed bucket at the tack shop and mutters, "Oh crap. I failed the stadium jumping phase."
    (he does listen!)



  2. #22
    Join Date
    Nov. 13, 2006
    Posts
    1,416

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    For those of you interested in adoption, I highly recommend reading "The Girls Who Went Away" I will edit with authors name when I think of it. The book profoundly affected my life.For me (mid thirties) It's hard to believe things were so different not all that long ago.

    ETA author is Ann Fessler



  3. #23
    Join Date
    May. 13, 2007
    Posts
    609

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    I am a birthmom who searched for and found my daughter when she was 19. That was 17 years ago. I am now a grandmom, and have a wonderful relationship with my daughter. She was thrilled to be found. I could say so much more but will close in saying that searching for her, finding her and getting to know her was healing and closure for us both. I am happy I did it, and so is she. If anyone wants to talk more about it with me, feel free to send me a message.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Sep. 22, 2010
    Location
    NY
    Posts
    1,186

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    I'm adopted. I am 25 and have known my whole life. I have always known that I was adopted, that I was born in Oklahoma, and that my mother was young.

    This year, I asked my parents to tell me everything they know. They did. They even gave me a picture. I found out I had a brother and a sister - both half siblings. I started a search.

    Fast forward about a year. I found my biological family. I actually have three half siblings - and older brother and sister, and a younger sister. They all have kids. I guess that makes me an aunt. All are in Oklahoma. Brother and father are both convicted felons.

    I text with my mother occasionally, but it is sometimes hard to handle. Mostly because she always includes a comment about how sorry she is and how she wishes she could take back her decision. I am still missing a lot of information. However, I have to say: she has been honest, forthcoming, and respectful, which is more than I anticipated. It's been an emotional process that has taken a toll.

    Also, my (get this) ex step father was shot in the head in his driveway last week. My sister and his gf found him. My friend said I should write a book, another commented it would likely need to be a mini-series. Of course, this is a very truncated version, and I'm happy to answer any questions you may have, OP. Sorry if my experience isn't inspiring.

    Amy

    "I decided I am going to live, or at least try to live, the way I want,
    with dignity, with courage, with humor, with composure."


    1 members found this post helpful.

  5. #25
    Join Date
    May. 25, 2013
    Posts
    9

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    Quote Originally Posted by jennywho View Post
    For those of you interested in adoption, I highly recommend reading "The Girls Who Went Away" I will edit with authors name when I think of it. The book profoundly affected my life.For me (mid thirties) It's hard to believe things were so different not all that long ago.

    ETA author is Ann Fessler
    sounds like a heartbreaking read :-(. but I just ordered a copy from Amazon.

    it's amazing to me how different things are now. teen pregnancy is certainly NOT the shameful stigma it used to be, that's for sure! although from what I do know, my biological mother was not a teen or single.... separated from her husband, then reconciled and "child was relinquished as husband could not accept, and to solidify the reunion"

    one of the things I've wondered about is whether or not that marriage lasted.... and if the other children were told....



  6. #26
    Join Date
    Aug. 18, 2002
    Posts
    442

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    I’m 56 and adopted. I’ve known it my whole life. After my aparents died – 30 yrs ago – my dad’s lawyer gave me his legal files on my adoption. From those I learned my birth name and my bmother’s name. About five years later my afamily—aunts, uncles and cousins—let me know in some not too subtle ways that since I wasn’t blood I wasn’t really family—old money is not all it’s cracked up to be.

    That experience and others left me, to say the least, a bit gun shy of family experiences…

    Fast forward to April of this year: An acquaintance from the dog park called and asked me to help her find the son she gave away 32 years ago. I declined the offer to do her search…. Why she thought I could or would search for her remains a mystery to me. On the other hand, I heard myself advising her, “Well, if it was me I’d….” Meanwhile, my therapist was engaged in one of his not infrequent attempts to convince me of the value of searching. In a weak moment I paid my $12.95 for Ancestry.com. In well under an hour I’d run the 1940 Census, found two girls with the right name and the right age in the right town. Ran the county death records to learn that one had died soon thereafter. Ran the name of the remaining girl through the county marriage database. Found she’d married about 2 years after my birth. Ran bmother’s first and the married last name through google and found a woman I strongly suspected was my bmother alive, well and still working fulltime in the northwest. A facebook search turned up the adult sons, daughters-in-law, grandchildren of the woman I believed to be my bmother. I consulted adoption.com forums about best ways to make contact. Learned there is not one right or good way. After thinking about it quite a bit, I called the home number google supplied. The phone call found her traveling. On May 1, I called back and spoke to my bmother for the first time. It was a 45 min very careful call… we were both very careful, which I interpret to be a good and healthy thing. She has 4 adult sons, my younger ½ brothers, none knew their mom had had a baby girl long before they came along.

    I sent a mother’s day card—the first I’d bought in 30 years—sent a page long note trying to convey compassion and non-judgment and telling her I’d be open to developing some sort of “relationship of mutual comfort.” The rest is up to her.

    She gave me my bfather’s name and location. He’s alive and well in the east and seems to have 3 or 4 adult children, ancestry.com, again. Thanks to facebook, I’ve seen them all. Contact will have to come after I've felt out the bmother relationsips more.

    I will take my time and allow all this to evolve over time… big changes for all, even if none of us develop relationships of regular contact.

    Hope this is of some help.
    hound


    2 members found this post helpful.

  7. #27
    Join Date
    Mar. 18, 2005
    Posts
    1,076

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    My SIL just last fall found her birth mother. SIL was adopted, her adoptive parents also adopted to boys. SIL found out when she met her birth Mother that she has to brothers and one sister. WHile her mother was super excited that she found her so were her brothers. However she has not met her sister yet.

    I actually got to meet her birth mother and her one brother just yesterday. Turns out her brother and my husband share the same first name so no my brother has to brother in laws with the same name not only that but they were in the same profesion for 23 years.
    My husband also adopted my daughter. She is turning 21 in three days and as of late has been asking questions about her biological father. My husband and I are beating around the bush so to speak on answering them as we know that her biological father wants nothing to do with her.



  8. #28
    Join Date
    Mar. 18, 2005
    Posts
    1,076

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    My SIL just last fall found her birth mother. SIL was adopted, her adoptive parents also adopted to boys. SIL found out when she met her birth Mother that she has to brothers and one sister. WHile her mother was super excited that she found her so were her brothers. However she has not met her sister yet.

    I actually got to meet her birth mother and her one brother just yesterday. Turns out her brother and my husband share the same first name so no my brother has to brother in laws with the same name not only that but they were in the same profesion for 23 years.
    My husband also adopted my daughter. She is turning 21 in three days and as of late has been asking questions about her biological father. My husband and I are beating around the bush so to speak on answering them as we know that her biological father wants nothing to do with her.



  9. #29
    Join Date
    Mar. 29, 2009
    Location
    Colorado
    Posts
    761

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    I'm adopted and want nothing to do with my birth family aside from finding out my risk for diseases with genetic links such as heart disease and breast cancer. I may some day use the CCIS to find out this information, but am not sure I would use any other method to find them as I do not want then knowing anything about me beyond what they knew on the day I was born.



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