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  1. #1
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    Dec. 16, 2008
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    Default Cougar?

    What exactly is a cougar? I mean, I know what one is, but what exactly makes a woman one? I hate the term, hate the label, but it's out there so I'm using it.

    If you're friends with a man, and you're older than he is, and you have feelings for him you don't let out, does that make you a cougar, or just a normal red-blooded heterosexual woman?

    Not talking about a 20-something guy, both middle-aged, just different middle ages.

    I know if the ages were reversed no one would be calling him a wolf ...

    Doesn't seem fair, somehow ...
    Rack on!



  2. #2
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    What exactly is a cougar?

    a derogatory term, existence of which demonstrates the double standard.

    I prefer Mountain Lion, anyway.


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  3. #3
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    There seem to be a lot of 40-something divorcees who are attracted to 20-something men. That is my definition of a cougar. It's more of an attitude than an age difference.
    **Friend of bar.ka**

    Fils Du Reverdy (Revy)- 1993 Selle Francais Gelding
    My equine soulmate



  4. #4
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    Nov. 7, 2002
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    Default

    In my experience it's a term that younger men use apply to very attractive woman they'd like to experience intimately but not necessarily for many months (or even weeks). I've heard it used interchangeably with MILF when the youngsters are trying to be slightly more polite. It can be an attitude, it's also a stereotype that you can accept or reject as you see fit.

    I like cougars as cats, but having dated an awful lot of (much) younger men, believe that the human version is actually a male fantasy that suits very few women.
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  5. #5
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    Jan. 14, 2003
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    Quote Originally Posted by AllWeatherGal View Post
    I've heard it used interchangeably with MILF when the youngsters are trying to be slightly more polite.
    OK I had to google MILF. That is the polite version?


    4 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
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    Aug. 12, 2010
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    Quote Originally Posted by AllWeatherGal View Post
    I like cougars as cats, but having dated an awful lot of (much) younger men, believe that the human version is actually a male fantasy that suits very few women.
    I agree with this...more a fantasy than a big category of women. IMO, as you'd expect, the "Cougar" term denotes a predatory attitude on the part of the older woman...she's purposefully tracking down, pursuing, and possibly using, young men to get laid. I don't think there are as many of them out there as men would like to believe . Just beng an attractive, middle-aged, woman who happens to date one or more younger men, doesn't make you a "cougar".

    Last time I was single was in my late 30s and the pool of men to date my age was pretty slim pickings...as most of them were married, so I dated a number of men between 5 and 14 years younger than I was. I wasn't chasing them or specifically choosing younger men, that's just what was available at the time. Eventually married a man two years older than I, which was what I really wanted...an age peer.

    If you happen to fall in love with, and engage in a long term relationship with, a much younger man, that doesn't make you a "cougar" either.

    It's the "predatory" thing, possibly taking advantage of the younger guys' lack of experience of naivety to get what you want..."cougar".


    4 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
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    Mar. 16, 2009
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    Default

    I'm a puma.


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  8. #8
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by AliCat View Post
    I'm a puma.


    I don't feel predatory, just ... older. And in truth, I don't FEEL older, I just wonder if I am too old, comparatively speaking.

    This guy is not naive, I don't think. And I don't want to use him to "get what I want"--it's just that one of the things I want is to get to spend time with him 'cause he's a friend who just happens to make my heart beat a little happier and makes me feel I've got some active hormones left after all.

    I don't think he feels at all the same way about me--I do know he cares about me and likes spending time with me and he likes doing nice things for me. In some ways it is like he is older than I am because he does nice things for me.

    I've always loved jaguars but think I'm more of a lynx or snow leopard.

    Thanks, everyone.
    Last edited by Rackonteur; May. 26, 2013 at 05:18 PM.
    Rack on!



  9. #9
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    as one who doesn't believe anyone (including myself) really has a brain in their head b/f turning 30, there really is little appeal to me in dating younger men. blegh.

    I guess they can lift heavy stuff.

    Rackon: snow leopards def. have nicer coats!


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  10. #10
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    Jun. 26, 2009
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    I think you really like him & it's normal when you really like someone to see them as really desirable. It's easy to get so impressed with the other person's perceived superiority, you start running yourself down. Your imagination takes over and sabotages you with nightmare scenarios that aren't real. If this guy would reject you, because you're a few years older, then you don't want him, because his feelings don't run deep. Life is hard & it messes everyone up at some point. At some point in your life, you're not going to be pretty or perfect, and a man who would reject you, because of a few years won't stick by you for the bad times. What you want is someone who loves you pretty & perfect or not. Don't deny him the chance to be that person, if you want him to be. If you tell him he's your friend, he'll probably respect that, because you've characterized your relationship as non romantic. Getting out of the friend zone is easy:

    1. Ban age from your vocabulary and stop calling yourself names. Look yourself straight in the eye every morning and say, "I'm a goddess. Of course, this guy loves me." If you have the attitude that he loves you, he'll start wondering, if he does & if doesn't see you romantically now, it will make him look at you again and start wondering what about you he might love.

    2. Ban friend from your vocabulary in regard to him. Don't say it to him or to anyone else. Stop going to the restaurant & ordering hamburger, when you want steak.

    3. Give him signals. Touch him when you talk - his arm, his hand. Smile and laugh. Look at him like he's the only man in the room. Stand and sit a little closer to him. Gauge his reaction. Don't push and don't smother. If he pulls back, back off a little & let him come to you. Romance is like cooking - you turn the heat up, turn it down, & if the pot doesn't run off the stove, then voila!

    If he really just sees you as a friend, you'll know quickly without ever having to say anything. He'll put up distance; close off his body language. He's attractive & middle aged, so he knows how to politely communicate lack of interest, just like you do. If he doesn't pull away or flinch when you touch him, back off when you stand close etc, then you know he's interested or he's just feeding his ego at your expense, in which case you don't want him in your life.


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  11. #11
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    Thanks, Hippolyta. Thanks, Southernlawyer.

    I apologize for any typos -- one forefinger is out of action tonight.

    I like your advice, Southernlawyer.

    1. I have actually begun to look myself in the mirror and notice that I am bright-eyed, look OK sometimes, and it's adding to the confidence I've begun to realize that age has given me. Most of my confidence in my life has been about things I can do, or knowledge I have, or experience, rather than about some of my physical attributes. It's nice to hear a man I like, like that we can talk about interesting stuff and not be turned off by the fact that I can talk about interesting things. He doesn't seem to mind that I know about some things he doesn't know much about but finds interesting (just as he knows about some things I don't know much about and I find them interesting because he makes them so). I sometimes wonder if he wonders if there are other things, that we don't talk about, that I may know about and might have experience in(!).


    2. That's a good idea, too, about leaving out the word "friend." The only time I used it, actually, was when I was afraid (through being experienced in getting hurt) to say "because I care about you" so I said "because you're my friend" when he asked why I was interested in listening to things he wanted to share with me.

    3. I like the idea of signals. I'm also terrified of giving them (again, a matter of "once burnt, twice shy." Not that he's the one who burned me). He's never backed away when I have touched him; the night I got brave enough to give him a hello hug when he arrived, he gave me a goodnight hug when he left, and the next time when he left he gave me three hugs as we were walking from my door to his car. I had a teenaged moment when we were at the lake just the other day, standing by a fence watching some ducks with our arms folded on the top bar. Our elbows brushed each other as happens when people stand that way, and I moved mine away a bit just to be polite and say a silent "Excuse me, didn't mean to bump your elbow" and his elbow touched up against mine again, so I left mine where it was and stood enjoying the contact and not paying any attention to the ducks at all!

    How can I know if he's interested or "just feeding his ego"? I don't think its the second one, but ... ???
    Rack on!



  12. #12
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    Jun. 26, 2009
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    Default

    It sounds like he's interested to me. Men are like horses. You can check them out from the ground, but the only way you're really going to know, if they're going to buck you off, is to get up in the saddle and ride. Unless there's something obviously wrong with him (addict in early recovery for example) where you need for his sake & yours to keep things on a friends only basis, you risk losing him, if you don't keep things moving forward. Kiss him. Ask him to dinner and tell him it's more than friends, etc. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, ramp up the signals - hold his hand, tell him how hot he is, touch him more frequently. If you give him all kinds of greenlights and he doesn't make a move, then something is going on: either he's really shy or it's something else. At that point, you're either going to have to make a move or write him off - romantically, at least.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
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    Nov. 21, 2008
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    Gee, I don't know. I bypassed cougar and went straight to grizzly.


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  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Canaqua View Post
    I agree with this...more a fantasy than a big category of women. IMO, as you'd expect, the "Cougar" term denotes a predatory attitude on the part of the older woman...she's purposefully tracking down, pursuing, and possibly using, young men to get laid. I don't think there are as many of them out there as men would like to believe . Just beng an attractive, middle-aged, woman who happens to date one or more younger men, doesn't make you a "cougar".

    Last time I was single was in my late 30s and the pool of men to date my age was pretty slim pickings...as most of them were married, so I dated a number of men between 5 and 14 years younger than I was. I wasn't chasing them or specifically choosing younger men, that's just what was available at the time. Eventually married a man two years older than I, which was what I really wanted...an age peer.

    If you happen to fall in love with, and engage in a long term relationship with, a much younger man, that doesn't make you a "cougar" either.
    Thanks, Canaqua.
    Rack on!



  15. #15
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    Thanks, Southernlawyer.
    Rack on!



  16. #16
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    Apr. 12, 2002
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rackonteur View Post
    What exactly is a cougar? I mean, I know what one is, but what exactly makes a woman one? I hate the term, hate the label, but it's out there so I'm using it.

    If you're friends with a man, and you're older than he is, and you have feelings for him you don't let out, does that make you a cougar, or just a normal red-blooded heterosexual woman?

    Not talking about a 20-something guy, both middle-aged, just different middle ages.

    I know if the ages were reversed no one would be calling him a wolf ...

    Doesn't seem fair, somehow ...
    Well, I'm 41 and my boyfriend is 29. I didn't go looking for him and we liked each other a lot before we knew how old the other person was. I'm immature with a 12 yr old boy sense of humor and he's an old soul who has always had older friends. I don't think I ever bought into the whole "the one" thing, but I did like Plato's theory that we spend our lives looking for our other half and when we find it, that is the person we are meant to be with (I know same thing!). The bf and I are each others' other half. We are constantly shocked at how well we gel, going on 7 months later, and the bf is looking to move closer to me.

    Anyway, I agree with those that say the term cougar implies a certain group of women that pursue young men specifically for certain things.
    Rhode Islands are red;
    North Hollands are blue.
    Sorry my thoroughbreds
    Stomped on your roo. Originally Posted by pAin't_Misbehavin' :


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  17. #17
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    I really like your post, RacetrackReject. I am glad you wrote about your boyfriend and you. You two sound like a very happy couple.

    I also loved that you wrote about Plato's theory. I have been thinking about it a lot too. This guy is like my other half. At least that is how I feel about him. Not saying we are alike in every single way, but it really does feel like two halves fitting together very well.

    Rack on!



  18. #18
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    Oct. 12, 2010
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    My DH is almost 7 years younger and I am over 40. I spent the first couple weeks after I met him trying to run him off because I didn't care about being with anyone at the time.

    I guess I'm a honey badger.
    Alis volat propriis.


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  19. #19
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    Thumbs up

    Quote Originally Posted by bluemooncowgirl View Post
    My DH is almost 7 years younger and I am over 40. I spent the first couple weeks after I met him trying to run him off because I didn't care about being with anyone at the time.

    I guess I'm a honey badger.
    Rack on!



  20. #20
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    Dec. 29, 2007
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    Where I'm from the definition of cougar is: an older woman aggressively pursuing ie. hunting down a (usually much) younger guy, for one thing and one thing only.
    "Those who know the least often know it the loudest."



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