The Chronicle of the Horse
MagazineNewsHorse SportsHorse CareCOTH StoreVoicesThe Chronicle UntackedDirectoriesMarketplaceDates & Results
 
Page 3 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast
Results 41 to 60 of 95
  1. #41
    Join Date
    Nov. 18, 2010
    Location
    california
    Posts
    4,223

    Default

    I am glad that you don't give up on your students but for your mom, it is time to disinvest from her. I know that I cannot have the relationship I wanted with my mom and that she will never be the kind of grandmother that Kings Ransom is but it is OK. I still love her.



  2. #42
    Join Date
    May. 5, 2006
    Posts
    2,877

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Beentheredonethat View Post
    I am now stopping running into the brick wall. Interestingly, that's a metaphor I always use with my students.
    Educator's minds think alike! I am a credentialed teacher now. An unemployed credentialed teacher, but still a credentialed teacher.

    Seriously, though. Be easy with yourself. This whole process could be up and down, back and forth. I don't think we ever stop wanting or needing our Moms. I know I went through many years where I thought that if I could just change this or that about the way I interacted with my own Mom that I would be able to have at least some kind of relationship with her. I would get burned in the end, retreat and then start the whole process all over again in a few months.

    Old habits die hard. It can be a lengthy process. We all have a lot invested in our various family roles. Even when we can acknowledge how destructive they are, these roles are familiar and comfortable. Stepping out of that feels wrong, and very uncomfortable at first. But ultimately it brings a greater sense of peace.

    I will miss my Mom until the day I die. Even now, after all the pain and death she has had a hand in, I think of the good moments and I ask myself if I am really sure that it has to be so black and white. But I know that regardless of whether or not she gave me a love for classic movies or whether or not she loved showing and breeding dogs, she is toxic and she has no interest in changing that. And that is sad, but it being sad doesn't change the fact that it is also true.

    Anyway, hugs again. Welcome to the Sisterhood Of The Purposeful Orphan.
    Sheilah



  3. #43
    Join Date
    Sep. 5, 2005
    Location
    Mass.
    Posts
    6,634

    Default

    I completely support your decision. Mom and Leech (I love "Leech" - it sounds so squicky) deserve each other. Let them pull each other into disaster, and you and your sister keep your good, sane distance. Absolutely nothing good will come of you trying to "save" her. She doesn't want to be saved; her choice. Your choice is to take care of YOURSELF so you don't end up like her!
    I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. ~ Dave Barry


    1 members found this post helpful.

  4. #44
    Join Date
    Dec. 31, 2000
    Location
    El Paso, TX
    Posts
    12,607

    Default

    Sending you prayers for strength.



  5. #45
    Join Date
    Apr. 5, 2011
    Posts
    887

    Default

    Hugs to you -- I just cut someone out of my life who was like a second mom to me for a long time, but who is also very toxic. It isn't easy, but you can do it.

    I do wonder about one thing -- and the legal eagles here can no doubt put this question to rest -- but you say you are thinking about having your mother declared incompetent so you can take over her finances. You might want to look at what debts are owing, how many credit cards there really are, how many lines of credit are open, and if there are any other outstanding personal loans. If your mom dies before those are paid off, who is responsible for those debts? Are any of the credit cards listed in the leech's name, but taken out by your mother? Is there a possibility the leech has used your mom's information to take out other credit cards that no one knows about?

    Good luck with everything! Hope my fears are unfounded, but having lived with a somewhat dysfunctional family myself, I know what they're capable of doing.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  6. #46
    Join Date
    Feb. 24, 2011
    Posts
    547

    Default

    All this sounds like, "My half sister is spoiled, I disagree with my mom about everything she does and she refuses to have the relationship with me that I want her to have." Oh yeah, and she's crazy because she doesn't want your help. Jebus, I know you aren't a teenager but you sure do sound like one.

    Why can't you ignore the shit you don't like and adjust your expectations of the relationship to fit with your mom's? It's not like she's actively making your life harder... you are self-imposing all kinds of stress by involving yourself in things that are none of your business.

    Drama!


    5 members found this post helpful.

  7. #47
    Join Date
    Oct. 30, 2008
    Posts
    3,155

    Default

    (((((hugs))))))
    Flip a coin. It's not what side lands that matters, but what side you were hoping for when the coin was still in the air.

    You call it boxed wine. I call it carboardeaux.



  8. #48
    Join Date
    Oct. 2, 2012
    Posts
    1,819

    Default

    Sometimes being right is a curse.

    Let go.
    A helmet saved my life.

    2014 goal: learn to ride like TheHorseProblem, er, a barn rat!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  9. #49
    Join Date
    Nov. 25, 2009
    Posts
    203

    Default It is painful to...

    Recognize that your Mother favors one child over the others.
    If she treated you all the same way then it wouldn't be as hard..

    I am so very sorry that the woman who was gifted with you failed you and your sister.

    She can't/or won't give you what you need.

    Allow her to fail you, grieve for your loss and move on. Life is too short.

    I promise you, you will find your needs will be met... just learn to keep an open mind on the form they will take.

    Hugs
    "I can't help but think good horsemanship has to
    do with the mind." Maria Bertram, Mansfield Park by
    Jane Austen.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  10. #50
    Join Date
    Jul. 11, 2004
    Posts
    6,890

    Default

    Actually, your mom has been dead for a long time. The woman who was married to your dad died when he did.

    You don't owe this woman anything...nothing. Block her phone number and your lovely stepsister's too! You aren't honourbound to make your father's widow's life comfortable. You don't need to pay for the necessities so she can buy the luxuries.

    No guilt, no hard feelings...remember, the opposite of love is apathy. Just don't care what happens to her...she sure doesn't care about you. Let her live the life she deserves and so richly earned.
    "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"


    4 members found this post helpful.

  11. #51
    Join Date
    Jan. 26, 2010
    Posts
    5,955

    Default

    Alex and Bodie--I am actually done enough I'm not going the declaring her incompetent route. My sister will have to do it, or her friend living there. As I said, her friend is an in home care nurse and sees this a lot, and she says my mom is by far the worst she's seen in the delusional behavior. We know most of the debt. The credit cards and $200 k loan were paid off with the reverse mortgage. The extra 100k they got out of the is gone since Sept. My mom has at least five new credit cards in her name now that the leech is using. I would imagine they will be maxed out soon. Her credit was so bad she couldn't get a loan to buy the leech a new car. We probably made it worse by getting the credit cards paid off. She has already maxed out a variable rate interest only loan on my father's house that she gets rental income that was paid off 30 years ago. I am sure there will be more huge debts we don't even know about.

    Tickle--screw you. You obviously haven't read anything. When she can't pay her bills and doesn't think roof tiles coming off is not a problem, and thinks she can paint the three story house, it is my problem. When she is living in filth and pee and shit, it is my problem.

    Thanks for the thoughts everyone else. Trakhener, you are one of those people I count as having helped me through this kind of crap previously, and I thank you. You are right. I am working on apathy, but mostly it's just pain right now. I'm trying to build a five foot cement wall to block it out, but it will take time.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  12. #52
    Join Date
    Mar. 10, 2009
    Posts
    5,492

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by TickleFight View Post
    All this sounds like, "My half sister is spoiled, I disagree with my mom about everything she does and she refuses to have the relationship with me that I want her to have." Oh yeah, and she's crazy because she doesn't want your help. Jebus, I know you aren't a teenager but you sure do sound like one.

    Why can't you ignore the shit you don't like and adjust your expectations of the relationship to fit with your mom's? It's not like she's actively making your life harder... you are self-imposing all kinds of stress by involving yourself in things that are none of your business.

    Drama!
    You. Are. A. Bitch. If I get a mod warning for saying that, so be it. You obviously haven't read the thread, or if you have then you've got a comprehension problem.
    Even if you had a grasp on the situation and STILL felt BTDT wwas engaging in drama, you did not have to hit reply. Filters are a good thing to have, but evidently you lack any.


    12 members found this post helpful.

  13. #53
    Join Date
    Feb. 24, 2011
    Posts
    547

    Default

    You must be PMSing pretty hard, huh.

    But hey, if being rational about relationships makes me a bitch, then so be it.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  14. #54
    Join Date
    Jan. 26, 2010
    Posts
    5,955

    Default

    Wow. You are a piece of work. Nasty.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  15. #55
    Join Date
    Jun. 25, 2004
    Location
    Carolinas
    Posts
    4,777

    Default

    Tickle is being blunt, however Tickle speaks a lot of truth.

    i haven't cut all ties with my Mother, in fact I call her every day. What I did do is to emotionally backup and get very serious with what sort of relationship would work for me. I then starting acting and responding in a fashion to achieve that goal. No longer was I drawn into arguments with family or step family. Stopped feeding her self pity of poor, poor me who made bad choices, etc.
    It worked for us, we actually have a far better relationship. It is not easy, the hurts are still there and while we both know they can't be undone we do know we can treat each other better in the short time left.

    BTDT- let go of your family. You have done great things for your Mom, whether she understands or accepts it or not. Now is the time for you to step back, let them do what they will and in the meantime take care of yourself. Your Mom and the Leach have a relationship or dance they both are content to continue. They don't want to be saved. Use your energy to first save yourself, your life is out of balance.
    I have never been subtle so bear with me. Let them crash and burn. Take care of yourself because you are close to crashing, emotionally and physically yourself. Find the time to enjoy your life. Your posts indicate there is little joy in your life now. That is not good.
    Take care,
    Jean
    "Never do anything that you have to explain twice to the paramedics."
    Courtesy my cousin Tim


    6 members found this post helpful.

  16. #56
    Join Date
    Jan. 26, 2010
    Posts
    5,955

    Default

    Fooler, I agree with you. Tickle did not speak the truth. She was just being nasty because she didn't bother to read.

    This is me letting go and letting crash and burn, which I know I can't stop. I didn't start this thread to whine about being spoiled, but to continue getting moral support to do this. This part of my life is without joy, but I actually do have a lot and know it. This is me finally feeling I can't change it and must lose it, which hurts, but I have good people around me, good horses, and good things. I am just frustrated I have to go buy another car right now. But, I am very grateful I wasn't hurt and know I got very lucky.

    It does help to hear the same obvious thing over and over.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  17. #57
    Join Date
    Jun. 25, 2004
    Location
    Carolinas
    Posts
    4,777

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Beentheredonethat View Post
    Fooler, I agree with you. Tickle did not speak the truth. She was just being nasty because she didn't bother to read.

    This is me letting go and letting crash and burn, which I know I can't stop. I didn't start this thread to whine about being spoiled, but to continue getting moral support to do this. This part of my life is without joy, but I actually do have a lot and know it. This is me finally feeling I can't change it and must lose it, which hurts, but I have good people around me, good horses, and good things. I am just frustrated I have to go buy another car right now. But, I am very grateful I wasn't hurt and know I got very lucky.

    It does help to hear the same obvious thing over and over.
    Sounds like a plan.
    "Never do anything that you have to explain twice to the paramedics."
    Courtesy my cousin Tim



  18. #58
    Join Date
    May. 11, 2004
    Posts
    2,355

    Default

    BTDT first off (((hugs))) I know what a hard decision it is to make.
    As for Tickle.. screw it.. ignore is a wonderful thing.

    I made the decision to cut off my dad about 10yrs ago. Made a clean break.
    After he accused me for the 100th time of using my mom ( who was dieing at the time) to get lot of money.. I told him to look in the regesters of the check books but he said he didn't have to he just knew I did. And for what had to be the millionth time the only reason I stayed in the same town is because what is in the will, which if he could he would change it. I kept saying Go Ahead and change it I don't care what is in it. He would come back and say But you get the house and all the furnishings because I know you and your DH will never be able to afford one of your own. I would reply I don't care I will let it set empty and ignore it and fall into disrepair..
    Oh yeah and not pay the taxes on it.

    See I knew what was in it as my mom had gone over it with me before she had died. I was to get the house and all the furnishings as he had said... BUT it would be like renting from my younger brother, he would pay the taxes, I had to go to him for all repares, etc.
    Those were his provisions my mom wanted me to get the house with no strings my dad wanted the strings.

    All through growing up he made it not so clear he disliked me.
    as I got older he made it clear he only liked me if he could get something from me other than that he could care less if I died the next day. He really hated that I did not have a penis.
    Friend of bar .ka



  19. #59
    Join Date
    Nov. 7, 2002
    Location
    Central FL
    Posts
    5,338

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Beentheredonethat View Post
    ...I cannot change anyone. You are right. She is aware enough and making her own decisions, and me trying to make excuses for it and fix it doesn't matter. ... I am a slow learner. ....
    I wonder if this is what's going on with your mom, too? She is doing weird things to not give up on her youngest daughter (as well as the not-great husband, a dog that is more than poorly socialized, etc. etc.) and you are (were?) doing weird things not to give up on her?

    Honestly, sometimes we get really attached to the idea of "not giving up" on someone (or something).

    I remember reading something that stuck with me in a book about the appeal of bad boys that might apply ... it goes something like this: we become seduced by this idea that if we can make (or be the inspiration for) someone to change it'll mean that we REALLY matter.

    There are lots of decent people who are open and ready for love, so there's nothing to rescue. People to rescue gives us a clear purpose and the promise (very rarely realized) of making a big difference in the world.

    Just a thought. Reading that helped me understand why I was so unwilling to unhook from my similar situations, which did help me (eventually) make better decisions.
    *=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=
    Dressage becomes art when it is a joy for the horse. -KBH

    Mighty Thoroughbred Clique Now on Facebook ... ... show the loff


    2 members found this post helpful.

  20. #60
    Join Date
    Nov. 12, 2009
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    1,363

    Default

    Very sorry about the emotional roller coaster. As your user name goes - BTDT. Not easy but it does make you a stronger person after you let it go. Hey, if the "Leech" needs work I have stalls that need to be cleaned!

    Hugs.



Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 27
    Last Post: Oct. 8, 2010, 12:42 PM
  2. Finally giving up! - Update, Post 27
    By Heinz 57 in forum Eventing
    Replies: 27
    Last Post: Aug. 5, 2010, 10:17 AM
  3. Giving ace orally or IM?
    By SillyHorse in forum Horse Care
    Replies: 21
    Last Post: Jun. 15, 2010, 08:18 AM
  4. Replies: 22
    Last Post: Mar. 30, 2009, 07:10 AM
  5. giving up your pro status...
    By bhrunner06 in forum Hunter/Jumper
    Replies: 19
    Last Post: Mar. 7, 2009, 08:45 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •