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  1. #21
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    Jun. 24, 2005
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    I agree with exactly how you are doing this, because you can't help someone who won't try to help herself, and has been given many chances to do so. It's awful that your mother is letting herself be used this way, but it's her choice. You're also right that the leech will someday get her just desserts also, and has certainly earned them. Hugs to you, because I know this wasn't an easy decision, but you are the first priority, and need to save yourself. You are exactly right that people with impossible relatives need to form a family of those who really love and treasure them. We may not be able to choose our blood relatives, but we do have the ability to choose who our real family is. Be well and be happy, and be kind to yourself.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    1 members found this post helpful.

  2. #22
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    Apr. 22, 2011
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    the Armpit of the Nation
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    More hugs to you BTDT. I can't imagine what all that has done to your insides There truly is no pain like that inflicted by those who bore and raised you.

    I hope that walking away for good gives you a chance to heal yourself a little. Hold tight to those who love and cherish you. They are your true family. And {{{HUGS}}} from your CoTH family.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Feb. 26, 2011
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    Its not nowhere, but you can see it from here
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    Hugs to you. You have been the responsible one for so long, but you also have a responsibility to yourself, to not be miserable. Do what you have to do.
    From AliCat518 "Seriously, why would you NOT put fried chicken in your purse?!"


    1 members found this post helpful.

  4. #24
    Join Date
    May. 23, 2002
    Location
    Ontario Canada
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    2,195

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    Quote Originally Posted by Coreene View Post
    Today is the first day of the rext of your life. Embrace your new-found freedom.
    Listen to Coreene, I cut my father off over 20 years ago at age 15. At some point blood is irrelevant. When people show you who they are you have a choice and can deicide is this a positive energy or potentially damaging.

    Removing him from my life allowed me to become a healthy strong person. Unfortunately it took my siblings 15 more years to do the same but they too are finally happy.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  5. #25
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    Feb. 14, 2012
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    Fern Creek, KY
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    I have no advice, but just wanted to add my hugs to the pile.

    ((((((hugs))))))
    Quote Originally Posted by MistyBlue View Post
    I prefer them outside playing as opposed to standing in the barn aisle playing "I can crap more than you"
    New Year, New Blog... follow Willow and I here.



  6. #26
    Join Date
    Aug. 4, 2006
    Location
    Branson, Missouri
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    378

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    Beentheredonethat,

    Big, big hugs. I have a simialr situation with my now deceseased mom and my youngest sister. She is 28 and has never worked more than 2 weeks at a job. I eventually came to the decision that having my mother in my life was toxic. Toxic for me, toxic for my kids. The bitterness and the frustration isn't worth it.

    I cut my mom off for two years until she passed away almost two years ago, and I do not regret the decision, not for an instant. I didn't get anything in her will. Not cash, not the house, NOTHING. And I am SOOOOO HAPPY! Sometimes you just have to let go, even if it is painful, like your father's house. The bitterness and stress isn't worth it.

    You are in my thoughts. It's a difficult process, but the freedom is so worth it.
    "I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way."


    2 members found this post helpful.

  7. #27
    Join Date
    Nov. 18, 2010
    Location
    california
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    3,418

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    BTDT: I am so sorry, it must be hard to see your mom live like that.

    I have a good relationship with my mom only when I am talking to her on the phone. Her last visit was Christmas 2010. I bought her ticket and she hated it here from the minute her plane landed. In fact the day after Christmas she demanded to leave because her granddaughter did not want her here. My daughter burst into tears and cried for weeks, my daughter loved her grandmother. And that was it, I will never see my mother again. We had plans for a party in my mother's honor and some shopping and baking for the next few days. I had to cancel the party and spent the next month consoling my daughter.

    My mother is a narcissist and on other visits her anger and disappointment were directed at me, like when I had my son 5 weeks early and when I came home from the hospital, she also insisted on flying back home immediately because I was not spending time with her, or making her meals. Her anger directed at me is fine, but then she went after my daughter, she cannot come back.

    Distance allows me to love her. Really it is a given that she will start up the "poor me" routine when she visits and my children are off limits for that. That was my childhood and I would not wish it on anyone else. I also began to understand that that is who she really is. She sits around her home feeling sorry for herself and won't go out and be social. My 90 year old aunt (my mother's sister), she still lunches with her friends, drinks wine and makes herself happy. Two women, two very different choices
    .

    So I am there with you. I have given up and will keep my distance. She is who she is and I will never change that.

    I am sorry, it is hard to accept that your mother is not a great person. But there is so much more in life.



  8. #28
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    Jan. 26, 2010
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    I am crying again, but it's a better one. It's nice to feel people care. Stupid, but it takes time to learn that. I am learning that, and as I said, a lot of people on here have been a big part of that because my first step in dealing with this letting it out in this place where I am somewhat hidden. It's what I need to learn.

    Growing up like this made me a target for the sociopaths in the world because I just never identified their behavior. I think the first step was when I was royally screwed by one of those people all over these boards, in real life, and came in here to find she was identified as one of the nuts and eventually banned. Thank you, Three Figs for letting me feel like it was not me. Gradually over time many of you allowed me to learn the difference between good, normal people, and bad toxic ones.

    Over the years I have disconnected from other toxic "friends," learned to deal with toxic parents at school, and I guess this is the last step in that. It would be easier if my mom were just obviously toxic and evil. When it's not concerning the leech, she is a pretty cool person. She spends a lot of time with her church group (her way of keeping some sanity) and does things like take her rooster Little Jerry (you may get the joke) to visit the old folks home. But she is not sane on other parts, and I can't ignore it, as the rest of the family can't. It will be a bad ending, whether the pit bull kills her or someone else, or whether she kills herself or others in that crap car, but, I can't take responsibility.

    Thank you, my therapists, my confidants. I do talk to friends a lot, but I always write more and more openly, so this is allowing that big abcess that has been sitting on my heart to drain some.



  9. #29
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    May. 5, 2006
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    Yep. I cut my Mom out of my life seven years ago. I just couldn't continue to try and try and try and never get anywhere. And to feel as if I was working as hard as I could, and yet to be told that it wasn't working because of some lack in my own heart. At some point you have to cut loose what you want or need to have happen, and just let go.

    Hugs to you, Beenthere. It stinks. But there is peace and joy on the other side of the decision.
    Sheilah



  10. #30
    Join Date
    Dec. 29, 2012
    Location
    La La Land
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    471

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    Hugs to you. I understand, I have a very disfuntional family as well. I started cutting people out and guess what...I feel better. I walk around thinking gee I didnt know life could be like this. There aint NO WAY I am going back to that crap. I feel like there is not this huge weight on my sholders I have to carry around, and I am like wow I can really walk,or run real fast without it. I also learned that friends who honestly care are like gold. The old saying "friends are family that we make for ourselves" works for me.



  11. #31
    Join Date
    Jan. 28, 2003
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    Hollywood, but not the one where they have the Oscars!
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    6,807

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    Hugs....I havent spoken to my mom in 2-3 years. She still calls and leaves messages about how she is going to kill herself if I dont talk to her.

    I felt like when I tried to be a "good" daughter and throw the the lifesaver...instead of pulling her out of the crazy, it always pulled me in deeper.

    You have many understanding friends here!
    "You can't really debate with someone who has a prescient invisible friend"
    carolprudm



  12. #32
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    Feb. 6, 2007
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    http://living.msn.com/style-beauty/s...8-8b62444d5f80

    Does this happen to be the leech?



  13. #33
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    Oct. 14, 2010
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    Horse Heaven
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    This book might be helpful. It was at our local library. Difficult Mothers: Understanding and Overcoming Their Power by Terri Apter.



  14. #34
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    Nov. 18, 2010
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    california
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    That is funny !



  15. #35
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    Jan. 26, 2010
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    No this is the leech: [edit]

    Notice the professional photographs, $300 on the credit cards, the $1,000 dog that has $200 a month vet bills, the cloths . . .

    My sister just called and got me crying in a bad way again. My mom promised to go into counseling and talk. Then refused to pick up her phone and missed it. She told my sister I had made it bad at the memorial because all I did was say bad things about SOB step father. I said nothing, but stood at her side so the leech wouldn't be there. My mom wouldn't talk or respond to anyone except the leech, and kept trying to get over to her. This was like her telling her friend who lives there when I first met her not to believe everything I say because I'm crazy.

    I am SO done. All she could say was how great the leech was because she used her credit card to buy flowers, and didn't bother noticing how much pain all of the kids were in because they didn't think SOB was a great guy.
    Last edited by Moderator 1; May. 27, 2013 at 08:37 PM. Reason: removing FB link



  16. #36
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    Feb. 24, 2011
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    463

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    So... you are going to cut ties with your mother because you disagree with her personal decisions? Do they directly affect you somehow? Your mother is what she is and you are an adult; try not to get bent out of shape over the choices of others. I know it can be difficult to watch the people you care about dig themselves into a hole or make poor choices, but that's your ego. It is not, however, your business.

    Sounds to me like you are simply upset because your mom is a pushover and your stepsister is spoiled. Is that really what it takes to make you give up a relationship with your mom? Yikes. You must have ridiculously high standards for the people in your life.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  17. #37
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    Jan. 26, 2010
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    Well, yes I do disagree with her personal decisions, but that's actually not it. I disagree with the lying and the abuse of the good people to benefit the bad, at her own expense. She is driving a very unsafe vehicle because she cannot afford to get another one. She does not eat properly. She buys used clothes at the Salvation Army. She couldn't afford to fix a broken tooth. She was living in a filthy unsafe environment, and will be again soon because I am not going to clean it any more, or pay for someone to do it.

    I felt it was my duty to make that better. But, you're right, it's her choice even if she has lived in a mentally and emotionally abusive situation for a long time. We're not sure about the physical abuse.

    My mom is a pushover, but she has become a shell of a person for the "spoiled" leech. She is like a heroin addict. She is brainwashed and will do anything to feed that addiction, to her loss, and the loss of the rest of the family. I don't think she is sane any more, like both her mother and father, and she will not allow us to help her. Yeah, I guess I and the rest of the semi-sane family have ridiculously high standards for getting away from people who choose to be like that.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  18. #38
    Join Date
    Feb. 28, 2006
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    The rocky part of KY
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    Quote Originally Posted by TickleFight View Post
    So... you are going to cut ties with your mother because you disagree with her personal decisions? Do they directly affect you somehow? Your mother is what she is and you are an adult; try not to get bent out of shape over the choices of others. I know it can be difficult to watch the people you care about dig themselves into a hole or make poor choices, but that's your ego. It is not, however, your business.

    Sounds to me like you are simply upset because your mom is a pushover and your stepsister is spoiled. Is that really what it takes to make you give up a relationship with your mom? Yikes. You must have ridiculously high standards for the people in your life.
    I have a bad relationship with my dad. I'm not who he wanted or what he wanted me to be and I can either stick around and listen to him telling me so or I can make what works for me out of my life. Which includes trying not to deal with him any more. Would you assume he has ridiculous standards for me? Or I for him?

    BTDT, I wouldn't out the leech. Sometimes you just get left behind, I guess deep down your mom turned her back on you and your sib a long time ago and the end will be your half sister getting a surprise when the well runs dry. You can do for her all you want but the leech now comes first - same as my SIL - but oddly enough my SIL is trying hard to become an independent adult and that doesn't suit my MIL so she complains about her "not being there".

    I'm really sorry. I'm going to suggest counseling as well, I spent a bundle of money on it but in the long run it was worth it.
    Courageous Weenie Eventer Wannabe
    Incredible Invisible



  19. #39
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    May. 5, 2006
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    Quote Originally Posted by Beentheredonethat View Post
    I disagree with the lying and the abuse of the good people to benefit the bad, at her own expense.
    You might want to shift the way you look at your Mom's decisions and actions. Your Mom is making the decisions she wants to make. It sounds like she is more than aware of your sister's behavior. And yet, she continues to make decisions that benefit that same sister. Her behavior doesn't sound so much like it is at "her own expense". She is doing exactly what she wants to do, with full knowledge of your sister's behavior. It isn't at her expense if she gets something from it. And clearly she is getting something, because she doesn't seem to care if your sister is a leech.

    You seem intent on "saving" your Mom from your sister. But your Mom doesn't want to be saved. She might not ever want to be saved. And unless she does, she will continue to make decisions that crap on everyone but her (because she is doing what she wants to do) and your sister (who is benefiting big time from your Mom's decisions). When your Mom doesn't pick up the phone? When she blows off meetings? She is telling you in a non-confrontational way that she does not want the same things you want.

    So rather than asking yourself how you can get your Mom on board with your quest to save her, ask yourself if you will be able to divorce yourself from wanting your Mom to make different choices and ask yourself if you will be able to no longer invest any energy or thought into wanting to insure your family home ends up with you and/or your full siblings. Are you okay with accepting that as it stands now, the home is gone and you can't do anything to change that?

    If you can't do that, you might need to consider just cutting all ties and letting it go. I know that sounds harsh, but you are the only person you can control. Trying to get your Mom to act when she does not want to act in a way that you want, is like constantly banging your head into a brick wall. Only you can stop that banging.
    Sheilah


    9 members found this post helpful.

  20. #40
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    Jan. 26, 2010
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    Sheilah--That's what this is all about--me cutting all ties. I cannot change anyone. You are right. She is aware enough and making her own decisions, and me trying to make excuses for it and fix it doesn't matter. It is really hard to realize someone who was once a good, fair person is not longer that, especially a mom. I am a slow learner. Not giving up has its good aspects, and bad. Me making this public is making me stick by it.

    I am now stopping running into the brick wall. Interestingly, that's a metaphor I always use with my students.


    1 members found this post helpful.

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