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  1. #61
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    Nov. 7, 2002
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    Quote Originally Posted by Beentheredonethat View Post
    Fooler, I agree with you. Tickle did not speak the truth. She was just being nasty because she didn't bother to read.
    FWIW, I don't think Tickle was being nasty because she didn't bother to read. Her style may be tough love but as exasperated as she sounded, her message is the same: "let go, find a way to be healthy." She's just saying it as "fish, or cut bait" because (I suspect) she doesn't understand your (inherited, taught?) commitment to Not Give Up on people you love.

    Many of the rest of us recognize it cuz, well ... pot and kettle affinity

    Stop. Breathe. And then Breathe Again.
    *=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=


    2 members found this post helpful.

  2. #62
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    Apr. 17, 2002
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    Your mother can make her own terrible decisions.

    Let it go and get away from her and them. Anything that hurts this much, this often, isn't good for anyone.

    Walk away from it and maybe in time you'll find a way to be distant but cordial, or maybe not.

    You only have one life- do you want to live it chasing your mother's mistakes in an effort to show them to her and make them all teachable moments? Why? What purpose does it serve? She may on some level feel 'bad' about some of what she's done, but keeps doing it. That's the force of habit and some desire to keep doing it. Leave her alone and take care of yourself. Chances are that she will never, ever wake up and look at you and say wow, you're a great kid, you know that?Accept that reality now, and get on with your life.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  3. #63
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    Jan. 16, 2003
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    Giving up on mom? Great idea! And with 20/20 hindsight, you will soon realize you should have done it years ago.

    Hugs and best wishes to you!
    It's 2014. Do you know where your old horse is?


    2 members found this post helpful.

  4. #64
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    Jan. 26, 2010
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    Quote Originally Posted by AllWeatherGal View Post
    I wonder if this is what's going on with your mom, too? She is doing weird things to not give up on her youngest daughter (as well as the not-great husband, a dog that is more than poorly socialized, etc. etc.) and you are (were?) doing weird things not to give up on her?

    Honestly, sometimes we get really attached to the idea of "not giving up" on someone (or something).

    I remember reading something that stuck with me in a book about the appeal of bad boys that might apply ... it goes something like this: we become seduced by this idea that if we can make (or be the inspiration for) someone to change it'll mean that we REALLY matter.

    There are lots of decent people who are open and ready for love, so there's nothing to rescue. People to rescue gives us a clear purpose and the promise (very rarely realized) of making a big difference in the world.

    Just a thought. Reading that helped me understand why I was so unwilling to unhook from my similar situations, which did help me (eventually) make better decisions.
    You hit the nail on the head. I 100% know I am a lot like my mom in this way. I learned it from her. I learned if I just work hard enough, I can do it. This is the woman who built the garage on the house and actually DID paint the three story house by strapping herself to the ladder and the house three stories up.

    Ironically enough, my first username was Neverquit. Both user names I just picked as the obvious first choice with no thought.

    And I 100% know my problem is I have to feel like I'm doing something that matters. That's why I gave up horses professionally and teach. That's why I can't just let kids fail and not care and not get emotional. That's why I can't do what so many other teachers are doing around me and just pass them on with good grades so I don't have any issues. I tell my kids this. I tell them what my family life is like and how I couldn't stop the disaster I saw my half-siblings become and what leeches on society and other they are, so my goal in life is to save as many of them as I can.

    As I talk more openly, which has been very, very hard for me, I do see the people who are ready and want to me helped and loved and part of my life. I am working towards doing that as much as I can and not closing people off. I am asking for help, and accepting it. My mom's friend wants so much to have the relationship my mom rejects, and has been so good to me, and I will accept that. There are other moms I can have and adopt.

    I got up at 7:30 on a Sunday, which is unheard of by me (11 is normal) because I can't sleep and I can't stop the nightmares. I need to distract my brain by doing something, or get it all out in here. This is all very painful, but it's good in the end, I know. I have to go through it to get to the other side. I can't say enough how much I appreciate this. Big hugs.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  5. #65
    Join Date
    Oct. 14, 2010
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    Horse Heaven
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    Is there chance you can talk with a therapist through this very, very emotional process? Sometimes the emotions come so hard and fast, it becomes unclear how to take the next step. And once you sort of have an idea of path, be ready to fall and step off the path a lot, and find your way back to that path. Changing old behaviors and habits is a long (and sometimes ugly!) process. Its also very scary, because its outside your comfort zone. Soon enough, you will know what the right, new behaviors are, but it's a process.

    Also, SLEEP is so very critical. If you are not sleeping, your decision making skills go out the window and you can become more impulse driven. Also, more susceptible to emotions running rampant -- which only exhausts you more. So really focus on how much you are sleeping and if it's too little, seek medical help. Getting good sleep will make your mind much stronger and healthier. There is a lot of science behind the sleep connection. At it's worst, mental ailments sky rocket when people don't get good sleep for a few days in a row. Esp. not sleeping at all. Sleep issues are often just temporary when going through a huge life shift - but so important to address.

    Throw in humor as much as possible. It actually helps to illuminate the old, unhealthy behavior vs the new, saner behavior.

    Best wishes and peace.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  6. #66
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    Feb. 25, 2012
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    Montana
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    Sorry to read that you are in the middle of this. Families!! I also have walked away from family members I felt are just toxic and have not regretted it.

    However, with my mom, it is different. She is married to her second active alcoholic. He is emotionally and physically (with me) abusive. I will not have any relationship with him but I adore her. I would love her to leave him. And she will not.

    I have had to ask myself some very hard questions - is it okay with me (assuming I am safe not in any personal jeopardy) that people I love make decisions I don't like? Can I have them in my life in any way if I am unhappy with how they live their lives? Do they have to change to make me happy?

    I have to say, that so far my answer has been.... I DONT KNOW!

    The little kid in me wants to yell NO! NO! NO! My mom MUST make me happy! She OWES me! I'm her KID! She must change and do what I say! She must get my f'ing approval for EVERYTHING! Beause.......I'm HER KID!! It is not pretty. I am not proud of that.

    But I am working on it! I would like to be a place where she can make her own choices and I will love her and not fight with her and not have any expectations that she will change! She did that for me years ago -loved me but did not support the choices I was making. I have days when I can do that, but also have days when I really want things MY WAY! It is hard to let go of all that, focus on my own life and my own choices and let other people make theirs, not demand gratitude or life change or anything and let go of the resentments I have had that really BOG ME DOWN. I love my mom and I want our time remaining to NOT be about me trying to get her to do/be something she isn't and doesnt' want to do.

    Whatever choices you make, I wish you peace and a lot of relief!



  7. #67
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    Feb. 24, 2011
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    Quote Originally Posted by AllWeatherGal View Post
    FWIW, I don't think Tickle was being nasty because she didn't bother to read. Her style may be tough love but as exasperated as she sounded, her message is the same: "let go, find a way to be healthy." She's just saying it as "fish, or cut bait" because (I suspect) she doesn't understand your (inherited, taught?) commitment to Not Give Up on people you love.

    Many of the rest of us recognize it cuz, well ... pot and kettle affinity

    Stop. Breathe. And then Breathe Again.
    My reading comprehension skill are up to par.

    Here's the thing: nobody owns the difficult relationship corner. Everybody has to deal with people who are train wrecks. The difference is that some of us can have relationships without wallowing in those people's personal quagmires. I do think it's a shame, however, to cut all ties with a parent because they won't make the personal choices that one of their children thinks they should. It's not like mom is running a meth lab or selling fake IDs to minors... she isn't doing anything illegal, or anything to actively intrude in the OP's life.

    To me it just rings of "My step dad was an asshole, I hate my half sister, and my mom refuses to be the person I want her to be. I can't adjust my expectations so I'm leaving." Tell me this doesn't sound like a high schooler. And to what end? Either:

    A) She never sees or hears from her mother again because mom won't change her personal habits/choices to align with hers. Those we care about can make some pretty galling decisions, but they are none of our business.

    or

    B) She hopes mom will see the err of her ways and come back... which is petty and rather narcissistic.

    Either way, she is editing her mother out because of her own personal hang-ups. And people are sympathizing and cheering her on. Yikes.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  8. #68
    Join Date
    Oct. 15, 2007
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    the heartland
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    I disagree. BeenThere has showed up and worked hard to make her mother comfortable and cared for. Unfortunately for her, mom lives in dreamland with preferred younger daughter consuming resources. That would be a mind f&*k for anyone.

    I think the next steps are righteous anger and, eventually, forgiveness. But more important is to create distance and live a life untouched by the crazy channel.

    Google Dr. Mario Martinez and biocognition for the effects of toxic family.

    Quote Originally Posted by TickleFight View Post
    My reading comprehension skill are up to par.

    Here's the thing: nobody owns the difficult relationship corner. Everybody has to deal with people who are train wrecks. The difference is that some of us can have relationships without wallowing in those people's personal quagmires. I do think it's a shame, however, to cut all ties with a parent because they won't make the personal choices that one of their children thinks they should. It's not like mom is running a meth lab or selling fake IDs to minors... she isn't doing anything illegal, or anything to actively intrude in the OP's life.

    To me it just rings of "My step dad was an asshole, I hate my half sister, and my mom refuses to be the person I want her to be. I can't adjust my expectations so I'm leaving." Tell me this doesn't sound like a high schooler. And to what end? Either:

    A) She never sees or hears from her mother again because mom won't change her personal habits/choices to align with hers. Those we care about can make some pretty galling decisions, but they are none of our business.

    or

    B) She hopes mom will see the err of her ways and come back... which is petty and rather narcissistic.

    Either way, she is editing her mother out because of her own personal hang-ups. And people are sympathizing and cheering her on. Yikes.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  9. #69
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    Nov. 20, 2010
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    Upstate New York
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    Read what you can about codependency - especially Melody Beattie books. I have a family full of women who must do for others.

    Of course so many of us were raised with Mothers who believed this was the correct way to be.

    Fortunately, in my family, siblings' men or women, or children, are pretty good. But boy the sisters can make mountains out of molehills, yet stand by and do nothing except think about how it reflects on them. But our Mother was so insistent we do for others, that our not receiving appreciation for our hard work, or failure to have a current "cause" can highlight or emphasize a huge feeling of failure on our part.

    I'm struggling right now because I don't have a sig other, and that's grounds for not "fitting in" to the family structure. But I also learned how caustic it is to be with someone so narcissistic that your own well being is in jeopardy. So I'll avoid the latter, thank you.

    I don't think we grew up at a time where we thought that someone else could be so evil, or negative, that it could turn us into victims, or have us deteriorate. We would just stick to whatever we had to, and somewhere/somehow, it would work out. I'm guessing your Mother is in another world thinking somehow it must be this way.

    I love my Mother dearly, but she is 98, has all of us supporting her, thinks she is living high on the hog because of some benefits her last job gave her.

    And still, my sisters, sister-in-law, all feel they are right for passing judgment around in the family.

    I don't get it. I'm the youngest, and was raised to love everyone in our family, and be happy to be together. My sisters either recreate that concept in mind or theory, but can either 1) never really carry it off, or 2) our get togethers are magazine cover events, with "Psychology Today" preparations in advance.

    It is very, very important to just back away from what you cannot control, identify the good around you, and hope for the best.

    You are so lucky to be in a teaching position, where you can get positive feedback in what is really important in life. Don't let your family drag you down, just because you were born into this one.

    Hugs from here, too!
    Being right half the time beats being half-right all the time. Malcolm Forbes


    1 members found this post helpful.

  10. #70
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    Oct. 28, 2007
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    Virginia
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    Is that your half-sister's facebook page on that link? If so, I suggest you remove it. All we are hearing right now is your anonymous side of the story. Your half-sister, whatever she did, does not deserve to be publicly humiliated like this.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  11. #71
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    Oct. 6, 2002
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    Philadelphia PA
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    A lot of people have said this in different ways but I agree, you cannot control how other people behave/feel. You can only control how you behave/feel. Your commitment to your family, OP, has been admirable. But your mother isn't going to/doesn't want to change. If dealing with her as is causes you as much angst as you say, the only solution is to change how you behave and feel. If counseling doesn't help you accept her as she is, cutting off contact sounds completely reasonable to me. Best of luck.
    ~Veronica
    "The Son Dee Times" "Sustained" "Somerset" "Franklin Square"
    http://photobucket.com/albums/y192/vxf111/



  12. #72
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    Feb. 20, 2010
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    Quote Originally Posted by AllWeatherGal View Post
    FWIW, I don't think Tickle was being nasty because she didn't bother to read. Her style may be tough love but as exasperated as she sounded, her message is the same: "let go, find a way to be healthy." She's just saying it as "fish, or cut bait" because (I suspect) she doesn't understand your (inherited, taught?) commitment to Not Give Up on people you love.

    Many of the rest of us recognize it cuz, well ... pot and kettle affinity

    Stop. Breathe. And then Breathe Again.

    I semi-agree. I didn't like her post, but - ok, we're dealing with a person at work now that, after going into the home, we had to call social services on. But the only reason they could be called in was because there were little kids in the home.

    The person is NOT "incompetent". Yes, they live in filth with cat shit and litter sand everywhere (not a hoarder, only have 2 cats, just...never...clean), general filth, no cleaning products in the home. The fridge was almost empty (definitely empty of nutritious stuff, just some junk), but there are piles of new DVD's.

    Proving incompetence is a very, very high hurdle; try it and fail, OP, and you'll probably never be allowed to step foot into your mom's house again. Which, really, might be a blessing.

    People are allowed to make bad, self-destructive decisions. People are allowed to prioritize their spoiled kids over their roof shingles. People are allowed to bankrupt themselves out of sheer unremitting stupidity.

    Your mom might meet the criteria for incompetence, none of us know that. But what happens if she doesn't?


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  13. #73
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    May. 6, 2006
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    OP, I have no way of knowing if your representation of your family is 100% accurate or not, but it might be helpful in managing your own exasperation with your mother by remembering that the person you refer to as the leech is your mother's daughter (no more nor less than you are) and the person you refer to as the SOB was the man your mother was married to for over 30 years before he died last January. So it is likely that your mother has a different perspective than you do and has a different emotional attachment to these people than you do.

    Whether or not you agree to your mother's choices, it is her life to live and you can choose to be part of it or not.
    "Can you imagine what I would do if I could do all I can?" Sun Tzu, The Art of War
    Rainy: http://tinyurl.com/kj7x53c
    Stash: http://tinyurl.com/mmm3p4e


    6 members found this post helpful.

  14. #74
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    Feb. 24, 2011
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    Quote Originally Posted by shall View Post
    I disagree. BeenThere has showed up and worked hard to make her mother comfortable and cared for. Unfortunately for her, mom lives in dreamland with preferred younger daughter consuming resources. That would be a mind f&*k for anyone.
    So OP inserted herself into the situation - however well intentioned it may have been - and is unhappy about not being thanked for it. And by "thanked" I mean that her mom didn't alter the way she chooses to live. Hopefully the mind f**k results in the OP learning to stop involving herself in other's affairs, accepting people for how they are and adjusting her expectations for relationships accordingly.

    My god horse people are neurotic.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  15. #75
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    Wow. You, of course, are just fine.


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  16. #76
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    Tickle--what you are saying obviously has a lot more to say about you than me. You might want to think about why you read things so differently than anyone else. I can't imagine what kind of world you live in that this seems OK for you to say. Give up the "thank" BS. At this point I would be happy she doesn't kill herself and others with her POS car, or allow the pit bill to kill someone. I'm sure YOU would have no guilt about seeing that happen because you did nothing, but it's harder for others.

    I do get my mother chose this, and because she did, she is not the same person who taught me what is right and moral, and rejects it. I do get she is not all mentally there --living with an abuser for 40 years and accepting that was her choice, and that abused or not, she created the leech and has allowed it to continue despite other options is her choice. I am just starting to understand people change fundamentally who they are, by abuse, mental deterioration, or whatever. It's really hard to see how someone can stick by someone who abuses them. This SOB insisted on keeping the pit bull after it killed the cat in front of her.When she reached out and told people she was afraid, other people and family members stepped in to try to persuade himto find a home for the dog, he declared the dog was the most important thing to him, and must have yelled something good at my mom, because then she started telling everyone they had better leave it alone or they were banned from the house. She was afraid of him to the bitter end. So, yeah, hard to understand how she can defend and protect these people.

    Good or bad, more has been heaped on my plate, so along with finding a car so I can work, my water pipe just broke in the back yard. I need to figure or how to fix that first.



  17. #77
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    Feb. 28, 2006
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    TickleFight, you are being simplistic.
    Courageous Weenie Eventer Wannabe
    Incredible Invisible


    2 members found this post helpful.

  18. #78
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    I'm sorry OP, for you and for your mom, for the place you find yourself in. I wish you peace and comfort and hope that in time, you might re-establish a more beneficial relationship.



  19. #79

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    There are several personality disorders that involve "rescuing".
    As demonstrated by the originator of this thread, they tend to run in families.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  20. #80
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    Al-anon is a GREAT place to learn how to create your own happiness when other people just won't do what you want them to!


    4 members found this post helpful.

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