Man, I needed OT about a week ago, bad. I had this whole book typed out, and the damned ipad erased it all. Along with everything else, my laptop crashed for good, and someone crashed into my beloved great beater four day ago, and I need to find another car.
Some of you know this from past threads over the last year. I guess I'm just realizing how bad my family is/was. I've been so desperately trying to save everything, and just can't get it through my fat head that working really hard and doing the right thing doesn't always pay off.
This has been going on for a long time, 30 years really. It all started when the spawn of my mom and SOB step father was born. Life might have been sort of normal. 15 years ago I was trying to keep the spawn in school and getting screamed at by my step father. 10 years ago I was starting to try to find out why my mom didn't have any money, even though they should have been well off. Even though my step-father hadn't worked for the last 50 years, he had his "business" that made no money, his military pension and my mom working as well as paid off house gave them a lot of money.
Every time I think I found out the truth, I found it was only the surface. My mom couldn't afford to pay for things, even though she had a paid off house, two apartments, and the rental from them. We slowly figured out the half sister spawn has never had a job (32) now and they have been supporting her to the tune of about $8k a month for the last 15 years. Years of me going over there and doing the housework and yardwork for my mom because she couldn't afford to get someone led me to finding the credit card bills of shopping at Nordstrom's for $2k a month, eating out every night, new cars, buying $5 coffee every morning, paying rent in an exclusive area, and on and on and on.
My mom lied and lied and lied: I don't pay her rent. She's getting a job. She doesn't have my credit card. I cut her off this time. She's really seriously mentally ill. The spiral of abusive step father yelling at her if she do what she can to make his life easy, which means deal with no problems, and psycho half sister begging, threatening to kill herself, screaming at her, threatening her, etc. turning my already rather meek mom into a lying heroin addict who will lie, cheat, steal and do anything to feed her addiction--doing whatever half sister wants.
When the paint was peeling off the 125 year old Victorian and the roof tiles came off, and my mom said she would paint it (she's 70, and it's three stories) the issue came to a head. I pushed them, and "they" finally decided to get a reverse mortgage on the house, but they had to fix it before they did so. That million dollar plus house was paid off 40 years years ago, but they had borrowed to the max to pay the bills, so had to reverse the mortgage to get money.
SOB step father really sick last spring, dying. Stlll doesn't bother to deal with the mess of his daughter, because it's all about him to the bitter end. He's on oxygen and the house is filthy, and I'm over there cleaning weekly. My mom praises leech psycho sister for "cleaning" the fridge. It's full of mold and filth. It took me three hours to clean it. I'm scrubbing the house from to to bottom, and my mom says she doesn't need help, pushes me out, and never thanks me. I'm on my knees scrubbing the floor and walls in front of SOB step father, and he never says word one. My mom still says the house is fine--there was dog shit under his hospital bed for weeks.
He finally dies in Jan., and my mom never bothers to tell us. My sister and I sweep in and try to help now that he's out of the picture. She had tried to get him to help before he died (she gets along with him) but he wasn't interested in doing anything but what he wanted. He never dealt with his "business" at the airport and left it all for everyone to clean up. He never dealt with the five credit cards the leech had. He told my step brother, his son, that all he cared about was taking care of the pit bull, the leech half sister, and my mom, in that order. Oh yeah, the pit bull that attacked the other dog, and then killed the cat in front of them that my 73 year old mother grabbed to pull him off.
We try to get at her quickly, to get her to put the finances in my sister's hands so she can cut off the leech. She promises, then lies and swears leech has no credit cards. She puts it off until after the memorial in April. Swears she will do it then, but until then the leech is so fragile, she can't take any responsibility.
The memorial was horrible and good. 5 of his 6 kids showed up from his previous marriage--they all ran away from him as soon as they could because he never did anything for any of them. It was pretty terrible to listen to all the airport buddies explain what a great guy he was, so supportive, how he made it like a family there--not noticing the grimaces on the family's face, because he was never home and never gave a shit about his family. It was all about doing what he wanted. The leech showed her face in public in front of everyone else for the first time in ten years. (She has my mom on the phone leash, and my mom jumps in her piece of crap Suburban and drives dangerously on the freeway to the rich area where leech lives and gives her money--she will kill someone in that car.) Leech was wearing $500 shoes, and about $2,000 worth of clothes because she's so "mentally ill."
Oh yeah, when SOB died, I came in with a team of two people and spent 7 hours cleaning the filthy house from top to bottom. I told my mom I would pay (on my teacher's salary) if she really needed it. Luckily I forgot my checkbook and she paid the $550 to the other two people--nothing for me of course. My mom was mad at me because I promised to pay. That $550 would have paid for another pair of shoes for the leech.
So, it's finally over. SOB dead. House clean. I got my mom's friend, who's also an in home care nurse to move in with her, because the friend needed a cheaper place to live, and my mom needs a sane friend with her all of the time. My mom promised she would let my sister take over the finances. That night at the house, she asks me if I want concert tickets to her choir for my bday present, which is about a week away. I told her I don't want concert tickets, I want her back and to hold to her promise to finally cut the leech off and take away the credit cards so we can help her.
Well, she lied. My sister tried to set up the meeting, and she refused. She forgot my bday, which she has for a long time. (The leech gets very expensive stuff.) Yeah, it's no big deal, but you'd expect your mom to care. A week after it, she leaves me a phone message and asks if I want the concert tickets, because I "never answered her." That did it.
I wrote an email (so it's forever) and said I was done. Give the concert tickets to the leech and give me the $5000 she gave the leech last month. I am sick of being lied to, humiliated, demeaned, and ignored and it hurts too much. You do nothing but lie, cheat, and steal (my father's house is maxed out on a variable rate mortgage loan to give money to the leech--it was supposed to be ours) for the people who abuse her and have taken away everything that was my mother, who used to be a cool person. You have ignored and demeaned and abused everyone who is desperately trying to help you. I can't take it. I don't have a mother.
I have been getting this advice from people who know what it's like and not. You just have to let the disaster happen and know your mother is gone. So, I'm trying. I just can't do it anymore. I just can't ignore the pink elephant. I can't have a mother anymore. I'm still trying to with the white hot hate of the evil that is my half sister who can even live with herself. I can't hire and hit man, so I have to be like the rest of the family and run as far away as I can and stick my fingers in my ears.
It sucks. I can't do anything else. I don't know that anyone can have anything to reply, but a lot of you have really helped me to deal with this over the last year, so, here it is. Things don't always work out. Lalalalalala
Accept your mother for who she is, not who or what you want her to be. Better for your mental and physical health.
Easy to say, hard to do; as I know all too well.
I'll second that advice. Also, everyone in this situation is an adult. You have to make your decisions & live with them, and so does everyone else. Remember that you can't "fix" anyone else - it is their decision.
It sounds like you are disappointed and frustrated that all the things you did to try to fix the situation did not work. From an outsider's point of view, of course they didn't. If, for example, someone wants to have a moldy fridge, you cleaning it for them isn't addressing the real problem.
Lastly I want to give some unsolicited advice. Stop worrying about the financial situation. Look after yourself and don't expect or rely on anyone else's money, inheritance, etc. I am an estate lawyer and I see this type of situation often. It does not tend to get better or resolve itself.
ETA: I meant to start this post by saying, I am sorry to hear you are in this situation, it sounds very depressing. Hugs.
You never know what kind of obsessive compulsive crazy person you are until another person imitates your behaviour at a three-day. --Gry2Yng
Thanks, just to clarify, it's not about money. No one cares. The only thing I want is my father's house, and I offered to buy it. It's because it's all I have of him, and I remember it. She refused because she needs the money for the leech.
No one expects anything. It's all gone. What we're trying to do is save my mom, so she has a safe car to drive, a clean house, and when the pit bull pulls her down and breaks her hip, has the money for that, because we can't afford a nursing care situation. The one thing I did do was force the house to be fixed, so the broken, rotted front steps she kept tripping on are gone.
And we have explained my mom has assured when she is gone and the leech is on the street, NO one will help it. It was presented this was the last chance to save the leech to become a viable human being so she doesn't crash hard. I can't do that, but my sister offered. No one else will help.
gdolapp. Yeah, that's what we were trying to avoid. We wanted to get my mom to do it voluntarily. Now we have to have her deemed incapable. The good, or whatever, thing, is her friend is living there and first hand seeing this, and is used to seeing elderly people who are not capable, and along with all of the financial records and family, we now have her saying my mother is not fit. She is not even feeding herself properly. She can't afford to. Having your mother declared incompetent sucks all the way around, but fighting her to do it because she wants to support the leech sucks times infinity. She actually had to take over her own mother's finances and bring her home to care for her. My sister is preparing to take my mom, but it will kill her in other ways to have to do that.
I had to take her cats from her in January. We have bth raised Siamese for 40 years. She let the dog kill the cat, with kittens, after he attacked the other dog, and then still kept the dog and locked the cats in a small room to keep them safe because SOB wouldn't get rid of the dog. She still has the pit bull because the SOB made her promise to keep him. I took her cats to save them, but they meant a LOT to her. Sucks infinity.
You know, growing up like this made me very closed and hard--people would call me "strong" and think I could handle it. This board has helped me a LOT with these issues. It took me a LONg time to tell people the truth. ThreeFigs was one of the first people I finally told things on here, and so many others over the past few years I have pmed, and talked to this way, and emailed privately.
I don't just have my siblings, but friends in real life, and friends in here. A lot of you have been my support group, and getting it out and admitting it let that happen. It's amazing what just being able to let it out does.
As a teacher I make my kids do journals. One girl this year (along with many others) has some serious issues with cutting, anorexia, self hate, etc. Her mother is in jail and screws with her. I finally got her to write journals, and she finally admitted. I just respond to her, tell her it's all good to tell people, and let her know things about me. She writes me major stuff all of the time and lets more and more out, and has started talking to family and friends and letting them help. I tell her she needs to get it out and LET people help, because it makes them feel so good. She's realizing that. And I'm taking my own advice. I'm letting it out, and letting people help, often by just being there.
You can probably guess I'm a lot more open when writing than in real life.
nhrw--I think the only reason I'm sane is horses. Somewhere I always knew I needed that. I think we all know what they do for us far beyond what we see.
When situations are out of your hands and that is bringing you down, how about counseling to help deal with those situations?
That is what counselors are for, do it all day long, every day and are very good at it.
People in those situations generally don't realize that so many others are there also and there is help out there for them, even if there may not be help for the bad situations.
Your Dr can tell you who he sends patients with those needs to, that is how my friend, that is a clinical psychologist, gets most of her clients, as Drs referrals.
Just quit doing what is not working, get some help to find new ways to cope.
Growing up in dysfunctional families, I did that too, going thru wars do that to families, I feel sorry for anyone that also has to go thru that.
Hoping things get better for you soon.
Really, though, I can empathize a little because my mother always made it clear that she didn't love me and she adored two of my siblings. Later I realized that she is mentally unhealthy and took that out on me.
Your mom is clearly not very well. She's clearly not capable of dealing with the situation rationally. I'm not saying its mental illness, I'm just saying its clearly not rational.
You can't fix that. You have to take care of yourself. Hopefully you can get some distance emotionally and her negative impact on your life will decrease.
It does sound as if this spawn has her own mental/stability issues. They may be partially created by her parents.
I don't have an answer. Just wanted to provide some sympathy. All the best!
You have to wash your hands of the situation. You know this. It sounds like you've shielded your mom from the consequences of her actions for a long time. And I get why; she's your mom. But you need to take care of you, and let her be.
It took me many years but I finally got to the point where I put my expectations for my Dad down to zero, that way he can't disappoint/hurt me. When he dies, we will get a few dumpsters and clean that houses to the best of our ability and be done with it. When I stopped hoping he would one day see how much he hurt me and others it got a lot better. I don't hate him anymore, it is what it is. Jingles.