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  1. #21

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    I do not entirely agree with the advice given. Riding is about overcoming difficulties, gaining confidence, empowerment, it is not only about having fun.
    I hear a mother and a teacher who are allowing you to ride other horses and to learn on other horses, so that you can increase your skills, and at some time, you will suddenly realize you have the skills to overcome the previous bad relationship you had.

    However i do agree that you should have an open, heart to heart talk with both your mom and your trainer.

    If you were playing any other sport, and you had skill you could not master, you would practice til you got it right. Hopefully you can learn sufficient mastery and confidence to one day realize that you can ride this pony without any fear or problem.


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  2. #22
    Join Date
    Dec. 12, 2010
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    Kansas
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    I don't understand why your trainer wouldn't let you ride a horse that you are comfortable on. Gaining confidence is one of the first steps to becoming a better rider. In my opinion, fear to the extent that you are describing only turns you away from riding if you do not have the support you need from those around you.

    Sure, maybe one day you will be able to ride this pony without fear and with a better understanding of how to gain respect from said pony. But I believe at this point in time the only thing that riding this pony is doing is teaching the pony that you are not in control and it is also not helping out your confidence.

    I think it is a good idea that you want to find someone temporary that will ride the pony and keep it in shape. While that is happening I encourage you to continue taking lessons on lesson horses that make you feel comfortable, and then once you gain more confidence step up to more difficult horses. There will always be some fear when stepping up to a more advanced horse, but when you are ready for it you will be able to control that fear and turn it into motivation and dedication.

    Have a sit down with your parents and your trainer and tell them how you feel about the situation. Hopefully they will understand and let you go at your own pace.
    http://www.youtube.com/user/NBChoice http://nbchoice.blogspot.com/
    The New Banner's Choice- 1994 ASB Mare
    Dennis The Menace Too- 1999 ASB Gelding
    Dreamacres Sublime- 2008 ASB Gelding


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  3. #23
    Join Date
    Oct. 2, 2012
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    1,475

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    Why would everyone in your life insist on you wearing your late sister's shoes if they didn't fit you?

    I think that's where the knot in your stomach comes from. I'm wishing you strength, OP.
    A helmet saved my life.

    2014 goal: learn to ride like TheHorseProblem, er, a barn rat!


    13 members found this post helpful.

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Aug. 28, 2012
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    Kansas
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    576

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    OP,
    First of all, *hugs*
    It sounds like you are have a good head on your shoulders. I'm impressed with your ability to articulate the nuances of a difficult, emotionally charged situation.

    If you are not comfortable handing what you wrote here to your mother, perhaps you could ask your trainer to discuss with your mother that Evil Pony is not a good match for you.

    I think that your concerns are reasonable and valid.

    I work in dispute mediation. The key to a successful conversation about a sensitive topic like this is for the person in the "power down position" (you) to avoid using any kind of emotional language when presenting his or her concern to the person in the "power up position" (your mom). Try to visualize it as a business meeting regarding an asset (Evil Pony). Sometimes it helps to rehearse the conversation with a friend or mentor.

    Two of my three brothers died from birth defects by the time I was 3-years-old. My (already personality disordered) parents have been not quite right ever since. JMHO, being the child that survived brings with it tremendous survivor's guilt as well as a huge burden of parental expectations. FWIW, it sounds trite, but it really does get better.

    Warm Regards,
    Amber


    2 members found this post helpful.

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Aug. 28, 2012
    Location
    Kansas
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    576

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    Quote Originally Posted by Malda View Post
    Try talking to the trainer. Hopefully, the trainer will understand and talk to your mother. Sometimes people listen better to adults than children.

    I don't have kids, so maybe I don't understand, but as a teacher I am always amazed at how indifferent parents are to their children's needs. I've intervened several times on a student's behalf and sometimes I've been able to get the parent to understand their child's viewpoint.
    This.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  6. #26
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    Nov. 13, 2005
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    between the mountains and the sea, North Carolina
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    Quote Originally Posted by chisamba View Post
    I do not entirely agree with the advice given. Riding is about overcoming difficulties, gaining confidence, empowerment, it is not only about having fun.


    If you were playing any other sport, and you had skill you could not master, you would practice til you got it right. Hopefully you can learn sufficient mastery and confidence to one day realize that you can ride this pony without any fear or problem.
    But unlike other sports, riding involves horses. Horses are unpredictable animals, and pairing a beginner with a horse she is not comfortable riding is NOT SAFE. Riding a difficult horse is not just like mastering a skill in lacrosse where the only mitigating factors are human beings who can reason.

    The OP should lease a horse who can give her the confidence to learn the skills she needs in order to ride her families pony. It would also be a good idea to lease family pony to a more experienced kid while OP rides/leases an easier horse.

    OP, my heart goes out to you. Others have given you good advice on bringing this up with your mom. FWIW, I agree that talking to your trainer first might make approaching your mom easier. From what you've said I bet your trainer agrees that you would be better matched with an easier horse.
    "Choose to chance the rapids, and dare to dance the tides" - Garth Brooks
    "With your permission, dear, I'll take my fences one at a time" - Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey


    8 members found this post helpful.

  7. #27
    Join Date
    Nov. 24, 2012
    Location
    New York, NY
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    113

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    I want to thank EVERYONE who responded here and in the notifications. I have been reading for the past couple days but I was on my phone and wanted to wait until I could sit down and think to respond.

    I went to my lesson on Saturday and decided to talk to my trainer first. She said that she had no idea that I felt this way. I guess that is my fault because I thought I was being more clear, but I don't think I was. I do have fun at the barn, so I haven't been miserable, it's not like that, it is only Becks I am afraid of riding and sometimes even just leading her and grooming her.

    I rode the school horse that I love for the lesson and then decided I had to talk to my parents too. My stepdad can be a little more understanding- not that my mom isn't, she really is, but she has probably never been afraid of horses before and I am not brave like her! It was a lot of crying because I do still feel guilty, and it's just a lot.

    Then everyone talked Sunday and there is a might-be solution. There is a girl at the barn who has outgrown her medium and needs a large (Becks is a large, she's almost 14.2) and has ridden Becks before and likes her. She is 13 and I am 16 but I'm a lot shorter so I would probably fit on her pony, so we might do a trade for the show season at least. I don't show (not yet) but her pony is older and friendly and so on Wedsday we are all getting together and I will try Merl and she'll ride Becks again and our parents and trainer will talk.

    Thanks so much everyone, and I will keep you updated if I can. I never guessed it would work out well, the guilt is still there because I feel like I should be better, but at the same time I feel better for being honest.

    And thank you for the virtual hugs and well wishes. I do still miss Joy so much, she was my best friend. It is weird to be growing older and she is stuck as my 14 year old best friend. It is weird to hear new music and see new movies that I can't share with her and it is really weird to have a black pony that was hers and isn't anymore.


    35 members found this post helpful.

  8. #28
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    Apr. 9, 2012
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    NYC=center of the universe
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    Awwww. I'm glad it's going in the right direction. Fingers crossed for you!! And toes!!
    Born under a rock and owned by beasts!


    2 members found this post helpful.

  9. #29
    Join Date
    Jul. 21, 2006
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    South Carolina
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    Oh, I hope the trade works out! It sounds like a great solution for girls and ponies, too. But even if it doesn't, I think you've done the right thing letting everyone know how you feel. It's not easy to do, but it sounds like you did a good job of communicating what both you and the pony need. If the two of you aren't a good fit, it's not doing either of you any favors to keep trying to pound that square peg into a round hole.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tribeca View Post
    I do still miss Joy so much, she was my best friend. It is weird to be growing older and she is stuck as my 14 year old best friend. It is weird to hear new music and see new movies that I can't share with her and it is really weird to have a black pony that was hers and isn't anymore.
    Wow. You are a very powerful writer. That is just exactly how I feel about my sister.

    I know I'd never have been able to take over riding my sister's horse, if she'd had one. A horse is such a personal reflection of its owner. In your place, I think I'd feel a renewed sense of loss every time I rode the pony. I think it was very brave of you to give it a shot, though.
    Analytical thinking is the first casualty when opposing sides polarize, and that shows lack of common sense on both sides.
    Denny Emerson


    4 members found this post helpful.

  10. #30
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    Mar. 8, 2004
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    You sound very wise beyond your years. Your sister must be very proud.


    17 members found this post helpful.

  11. #31
    Join Date
    Oct. 11, 2007
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    Andover, MA
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    OP, I really hope the trade works out. It sounds like the adults involved believe you, which is great

    I had to "trade" at one point, too; my spicy mare went to a Fearless Teen, and I had her/her mom's kind older gelding. For a few months it all worked very well. Eventually I decided to put my mare in training instead, which helped a lot, and I still have her, almost 5 years later (As an adult, I can make decisions like that on my own. Your situation is harder.) Also got to keep riding that lovely gelding for a while, too.
    You have to have experiences to gain experience.

    Proudly owned by Mythic Feronia, 1998 Morgan mare; G-dspeed Trump & Minnie; welcome 2014 Morgan filly MtnTop FlyWithMeJosephine


    2 members found this post helpful.

  12. #32
    Join Date
    Dec. 12, 2010
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    So glad to hear that the talks went well! I hope that the trade works out for you and the other girl.

    I think it is very mature of you to realize there was a problem and try to find a solution. Sounds like this solution may make all parties happy. Nice job!
    http://www.youtube.com/user/NBChoice http://nbchoice.blogspot.com/
    The New Banner's Choice- 1994 ASB Mare
    Dennis The Menace Too- 1999 ASB Gelding
    Dreamacres Sublime- 2008 ASB Gelding


    1 members found this post helpful.

  13. #33
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    Jun. 24, 2006
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tribeca View Post

    And thank you for the virtual hugs and well wishes. I do still miss Joy so much, she was my best friend. It is weird to be growing older and she is stuck as my 14 year old best friend. It is weird to hear new music and see new movies that I can't share with her and it is really weird to have a black pony that was hers and isn't anymore.
    This brought me to tears... I am so sorry for your loss, you are an amazing young woman. Your voice as a writer is so moving, I wish you the best and I am very proud of you for having the strength to talk to your instructor and parents.


    13 members found this post helpful.

  14. #34
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    Jun. 23, 2010
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    Connecticut
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    Tribeca, I cried too reading your story. I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how hard it would be to lose my sister. I hope this trade works out for you and allows you to enjoy riding. Perhaps when the riding is fun you will be better able to feel Joy along side you.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  15. #35
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    Dec. 20, 2010
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    585

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    Your last paragraph really touched me as well. My heart goes out to you and I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope that the pony switch works out for you and you can regain your love of riding. You're sister would be pride of your willingness to try and over come your fear and ride on!


    2 members found this post helpful.

  16. #36
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    Jan. 28, 2013
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    Southeastern US
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    I'm glad you have a plan and that you are enjoying riding again. Good luck in your first show season!
    Where the short cows roam.

    War veteran


    1 members found this post helpful.

  17. #37
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    Feb. 25, 2012
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    Montana
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    I am so glad you brought it up and very glad that there is potential solution! You are a wonderful writer, as others have said - hope you continue with that.It sounds like you are really becoming your own person! Good luck with whatever option works out and I so hope riding becomes fun again, and a source of Joy!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  18. #38
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    Aug. 6, 2002
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    NJ, USA
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    You are a wise & brave girl, and I'm so glad you had that talk with your trainer & parents. Your words about your sister brought me to tears too - I'm sure she is looking down & sharing these things with you & wants you to be happy.

    I wanted to say, many adults face this same problem & struggle a long time trying to make themselves want to ride a pony or horse that in fact, they are afraid of. They also stress over what people will say if they want to give up, and feel like a whimp, etc... If it's hard for a adult to admit this problem & ask for help to move on past it, I imagine it has to be ten times harder for a teenager!

    But it is the right thing to do, so I'm so glad you had those talks and have a possible solution to try already! Don't stop trying until you have a horse or pony you feel happy & confident on. Major kudos to you


    4 members found this post helpful.

  19. #39
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    Jan. 9, 2003
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    IN
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    Maybe my story will help them understand? I have been riding for 43 years. 11 years ago, I finally realized my dream of breeding my own horse. I actually did two breedings a year apart. When the first was born, I swore I'd never sell her. She turned out beautiful. I sent her to a trainer and she LOVED her but I didn't get along with her. I sent her to another trainer who LOVED her but she and I still didn't get along. On the other hand, her year younger sister went to the same two trainers. They were fine with her but didn't like her near as much as her older sister but she and I really clicked. I finally made the heartbreaking decision to sell the older of the two. I bawled like a baby. I still tear up thinking about it and have feelings of guilt but, the younger horse is my love and I can now devote more time to her. So, each horse has it's own personality and you are not going to click with them all. I hope you can work this out and that you find the equine that brings you happiness. I choose to believe that my first home bred is better off being with someone who will love her than she was with me feeling like she was an obligation. Sending hugs for this situation and for the loss of your sister.
    Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Goethe


    2 members found this post helpful.

  20. #40
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    Mar. 4, 2010
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    Tribeca - I want you to know that I think talking to your trainer and your parents was a very brave thing to do, braver than rider a pony who is too much for you. It can be very hard to speak up and tell people in authority something they don't want to hear, particularly something so potentially charged with emotion, like your sister's pony. To be able to do that, rather than just give up or give in, show real strength of character.

    StG


    10 members found this post helpful.

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