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  1. #121
    Join Date
    Nov. 18, 2004
    Location
    Catonsville, MD
    Posts
    6,902

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    Dear Hulk: I am sorry you have to live this way. I sincerely hope you get something out of coddling this man and his dysfunctions. To me, coddling like this amounts to telling them that their behavior is ok. I hope you are not (effectively) teaching any children this model of living.

    Many trainers say that whatever horse behaviors you put up with (good or bad), you are training into them? Well, you have trained this man to think that how he carries on is sustainable and ok. Because you haven't left.

    You say that what you do 'works', but what does 'works' mean? Your life sounds exhausting to me. If he can't treat you better than that after 25 years, then he is very broken. You are not his dysfunctional family of origin, and at some point he ought to be able to make that distinction and treat you better.

    We don't do ourselves (or the other women in our families) any favors by tolerating that kind of crazy in relationships.
    I tolerate all kinds of animal idiosyncrasies.
    I've found that I don't tolerate people idiosyncrasies as well. - Casey09



    8 members found this post helpful.

  2. #122
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    11,372

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    Quote Originally Posted by danceronice View Post
    Some people would love to have the energy for a hobby or do much more than get home, eat, zone in front of the TV until they have the motivation to go to bed (and not in the recreational sense.) And at some point muster up the energy to do what has to be done around the house. (There is a spade and four new rootstock plants calling my name as soon as I get the energy up to get dressed for gardening. And I'm on third shift tonight so I'll be getting home around midnight.) I've got coworkers who haven't had a day off in two weeks because they're higher ups and they've had to supervise new hires and trainees. They'd like an hour more to sleep, forget a hobby.

    You don't know many people who have anything other than cube-farm 9-5s, do you? I *do* have (very expensive) hobby, but that's because I don't have a husband, children, large livestock at home....and I can't do it nearly as much as I'd like.

    And yet again...there is a difference between "I find riding to be my stress reliever" and "I am going to ride and spend as much time at the barn as I want because it makes ME happy me me me" when you go into a discussion. If you don't want to have to discuss things and give ground (I bet he doesn't WANT to spend hours alone with a kid and who can blame him but if their marriage is going to work he's going to probably have to suck that up) don't get married and breed.
    I so agree with the portion in red Danceronice.

    There was a time in my life when I worked full time, rode a few horses per day, visited with friends, worked out, etc etc.

    Since getting married with step kids, moving, starting a new job, and having my husband gone a lot, my horse life has pretty much gone in the toilet. But it's not because my husband isn't supportive.

    I'm exhausted all of the time. I feel like I used to do so much more but I also had an actual schedule and a routine and no husband or kids. Now? Even when I have a scheduled day off and plan to go do horse stuff or housework, I get called in to work or have something that HAS to be done.

    My horse time is virtually nonexistent.

    Right now, I could be at the barn. I'd like to be at the barn. But my husband is gone (again) and that means that all of the laundry, housework, dog walking, yard work, etc has to get done today before I have to go back to work. Today is my only day off. IF I can get all of that stuff done then I'll give myself the "reward" of going to the barn.

    But I'm sore from a hard week at work, yesterday being especially difficult with lots of fractious big dogs. I felt like I was a wrestler not a vet assistant!

    At any rate...my point is that even when you don't have biokids, life can pull you away from horses too.

    But when you decide to have kids, or inherit them as I did via marriage, there are day to day life things that have to happen and riding doesn't necessarily factor in to the "must dos".

    That said, I think that any woman who chooses to marry and have kiddos, bio or otherwise, is still entitled to some time away doing something she enjoys. Maybe it can't be on par with the time she did similar when single or child free. But I can't imagine procreating with someone who fully expected me to give up EVERYTHING else.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...



  3. #123
    Join Date
    Dec. 29, 2012
    Location
    La La Land
    Posts
    551

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    I have not taught my 1 child this is OK. She is a very sucessful, very independant, very money wise, well adjusted, rock solid person. She is very well liked by her co workers and well respected, and rewarded for it by her employer.Though still relatively young yet she is constantly sought for advice and support. She is kind, thoughtful, compassionate and very giving. However I can not say it has not had an effect upon her as she says she will never marry. I however dont see the not wishing to ever marry as a character flaw. I see it as knowing herself.

    As far as it works , well it does. I cant change the man only he can do that. I just take charge, do just about anything that needs a responseable level head, and he does what he wants, which is usually maintaining our large number of properties,fences, barns, and buildings. The man is a very hard worker and a good provider. He has a good heart, and is a good man. He just cant communicate. As I said he didnt get a good tool box. So I have to just be a little more clever when it does come to communicating.

    I guess its like keeping a grandprix horse around that has some nasty vices, like kicking or weaving, or biting, Guess you overlook somethings cause your on top of your game, doing real well and winning. A horse that perhaps only a professional handler would keep. So perhaps I am a pro people handler, that keeps people that others deem to much deal with.

    All I am saying is the world is not perfect and neither are people, and neither am I. He is like the grand prix horse, be cautious with the hinds and crack him one when he bites. He is capable of alot of great, just might need a bit more finess when your asking.

    How can we just throw a person away because of one flaw, they cant communicate?


    5 members found this post helpful.

  4. #124
    Join Date
    Nov. 18, 2004
    Location
    Catonsville, MD
    Posts
    6,902

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    Only you can make that choice, of course. But I think that women allow men to continue to be piss poor communicators because there isn't a very high cost to them interpersonally for being $hitty at it. I think some men would find magickal reserves of competence if they were going to have to rediscover the joys of bachelor living at their current level of participation.
    I tolerate all kinds of animal idiosyncrasies.
    I've found that I don't tolerate people idiosyncrasies as well. - Casey09



    6 members found this post helpful.

  5. #125
    Join Date
    Dec. 29, 2012
    Location
    La La Land
    Posts
    551

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    He is a piss poor communicator, thats for sure, but I do think he tries in his own way. Not so good on the verbal end of things, but for example a few days ago he delivered the sand pile to the location I desired, without any conversation. He just knew I wanted it , I wanted it there, and poof there it was, with a little heart drawn in the top of it.
    Or like the hanicapped pigeon in the barn. I remarked to someone else how he would like to perch higher up on the shelf but was unable to fly up there. Couple days later poof there a ramp up to the shelf so the hanicaped pigeon could roost higher. If I would have discussed or asked for this to be done, it would have stressed DH out and caused an agruement. So why bother.
    He is not a bad person he is a bad communicator.


    8 members found this post helpful.

  6. #126
    Join Date
    Mar. 30, 2012
    Location
    Crestview, Fl
    Posts
    455

    Default *Update*

    I just want to take a minute to update. My husband is not some crazy controlling monster who hates horses after all. Some of the posters were correct and it was a lack of hobby that was driving this all. I purchased my husband classes to obtain his diving certification. We now are trading out our time to follow our own hobbies. I am (well was, on hiatus because of a fall and ironically he's on a break because of surgery) lessoning once or twice a week and trying to ride a third day because I've now got a lease horse. In a year when I re-enlist, he's agreed that we can dive into ownership. I'm super happy that we've finally balanced this out and things have gotten much better


    22 members found this post helpful.

  7. #127
    Join Date
    Oct. 26, 2010
    Location
    Orygun
    Posts
    2,947

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    Hulk...I know the type of guy you have. My hubby is sort of like that. Not quite as quiet as yours but all I have to do is mention something and *poof*, all of a sudden it's done or there. But if I were to mention it and get onto him about it, well, the fight is ON.

    We normally talk about everything but both of us have our parameters and somehow it works.

    As for the OP, I'm glad it working out. I had a marriage where the horses were resented and honestly, I should have taken the horses and walked out. I'm glad yours is doing well.
    GR24's Musing #19 - Save the tatas!!



  8. #128
    Join Date
    Feb. 23, 2005
    Location
    Spotsylvania, VA
    Posts
    13,403

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    Quote Originally Posted by danceronice View Post
    So...rich people in urban areas on commission/high salaries, ie a small percentage of the population. Most people with hourly jobs that don't involve making phone calls and sitting at desks but rather being on their feet all day frequently crash (or spend their 'time off' doing stuff that has to be done like shopping, laundry, house-cleaning, mowing the lawn, etc) because they don't have the ENERGY for anything else after the work day. I had a lot more energy when I had an NFP job, and most of my coworkers never had anything like that where you do most of your work with your mouth, not your hands. Time-consuming, expensive hobbies, clubs, and dining out are not the norm for most people (I mean, who do you think are making things like dinner out possible? People who are working while the 'folks with lives' go out to eat.)
    FWIW cube farming can be exhausting. Try tech support for network based professional income tax prep software. Try siting in a cube trying to fix an office network where you have never seen the computers you are working on, never met the person you are working with and don't know his capabilities, trusting that they are accurately describing the conditions and following your directions.

    Mucking stalls is a whole lot easier
    I wasn't always a Smurf
    Penmerryl's Sophie RIDSH
    "I ain't as good as I once was but I'm as good once as I ever was"
    The ignore list is my friend. It takes 2 to argue.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  9. #129
    Join Date
    Aug. 22, 2000
    Location
    CT
    Posts
    2,430

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    So COTH!!!

    Problems shared followed by opinions, tangents and bickering among other posters.
    OP comes back having resolved the problem on her own.
    Tangents and bickering continue!

    Congrats OP, glad to hear it!


    6 members found this post helpful.

  10. #130
    Join Date
    Aug. 17, 2012
    Posts
    1,219

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    Quote Originally Posted by carolprudm View Post
    FWIW cube farming can be exhausting. Try tech support for network based professional income tax prep software. Try siting in a cube trying to fix an office network where you have never seen the computers you are working on, never met the person you are working with and don't know his capabilities, trusting that they are accurately describing the conditions and following your directions.

    Mucking stalls is a whole lot easier
    ^^^^
    While I do love the money that an office jobs gives me, there's a lot to be said for the simplicity of barn work.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  11. #131
    Join Date
    Dec. 21, 2008
    Location
    Missouri
    Posts
    2,190

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    Quote Originally Posted by AirForceWife View Post
    I just want to take a minute to update. My husband is not some crazy controlling monster who hates horses after all. Some of the posters were correct and it was a lack of hobby that was driving this all. I purchased my husband classes to obtain his diving certification. We now are trading out our time to follow our own hobbies. I am (well was, on hiatus because of a fall and ironically he's on a break because of surgery) lessoning once or twice a week and trying to ride a third day because I've now got a lease horse. In a year when I re-enlist, he's agreed that we can dive into ownership. I'm super happy that we've finally balanced this out and things have gotten much better
    That is great news!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  12. #132
    Join Date
    Aug. 5, 2009
    Posts
    908

    Default

    Good news!



  13. #133
    Join Date
    Mar. 16, 2000
    Location
    Chatham, NY USA
    Posts
    4,100

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    Terrific, AFW!

    And y'know, the discussion - and some bickering - is interesting. Sometimes, we don't appreciate what WE have until we hear about what someone ELSE has.

    Ed & I have been together for 33 years. Sometime during the first year, he asked which was more important - him or my horse. I told him that I would allow him to withdraw that question unless he was VERY SURE he wanted to know the answer to it. He never asked again.
    www.ayliprod.com
    Equine Photography in the Northeast


    2 members found this post helpful.

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