The Chronicle of the Horse
MagazineNewsHorse SportsHorse CareCOTH StoreVoicesThe Chronicle UntackedDirectoriesMarketplaceDates & Results
 
Page 6 of 7 FirstFirst ... 4567 LastLast
Results 101 to 120 of 133
  1. #101
    Join Date
    Jul. 19, 2007
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    10,637

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by wendy View Post
    are there really people who do nothing except work and then go home and be with their spouse every single night of the week? because even non-horse people don't do that. They go to the gym, they go to yoga classes, they go running; they join clubs and attend meetings; they go out with friends after work; they do volunteer work; they go shopping. Something.
    It seems really unreasonable to me that any person would get upset about their spouse doing something only two nights a week.
    Some people would love to have the energy for a hobby or do much more than get home, eat, zone in front of the TV until they have the motivation to go to bed (and not in the recreational sense.) And at some point muster up the energy to do what has to be done around the house. (There is a spade and four new rootstock plants calling my name as soon as I get the energy up to get dressed for gardening. And I'm on third shift tonight so I'll be getting home around midnight.) I've got coworkers who haven't had a day off in two weeks because they're higher ups and they've had to supervise new hires and trainees. They'd like an hour more to sleep, forget a hobby.

    You don't know many people who have anything other than cube-farm 9-5s, do you? I *do* have (very expensive) hobby, but that's because I don't have a husband, children, large livestock at home....and I can't do it nearly as much as I'd like.

    And yet again...there is a difference between "I find riding to be my stress reliever" and "I am going to ride and spend as much time at the barn as I want because it makes ME happy me me me" when you go into a discussion. If you don't want to have to discuss things and give ground (I bet he doesn't WANT to spend hours alone with a kid and who can blame him but if their marriage is going to work he's going to probably have to suck that up) don't get married and breed.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  2. #102
    Join Date
    Aug. 18, 2012
    Posts
    1,294

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SaturdayNightLive View Post
    Eh, when someone is being ridiculous, I'm not super inclined to cater to them with "how can we work this out".

    On the other hand, I would never have any inclination to stay with someone that behaved the way OP's husband is behaving. Horses for courses, and all of that, I guess.

    I do find it odd that so many are of the opinion that you can't make a statement of fact because that's being confrontational. I'm also genuinely curious how a "non-confrontational" conversation would go in this case. Because it seems to me that those telling the OP to dance around the issue are actually suggesting that she attempt to appease her husband. If husband is being an asshat, why should I go out of my way to appease him? He's an adult. He should act like one.

    Second (or third) question - what if husband's response to said "non-confrontational" conversation is "You will quit riding twice a week". Is he now being the confrontational one? Or is that okay because he has the penis?

    I think when the person being ridiculous is your spouse, the first response should be to try to work it out. It doesn't matter what you think of their approach - not everyone communicates flawlessly and maybe they think you're the one being ridiculous. I think people owe it to their spouse to give them the benefit of the doubt and try to work it out. Why bother getting married if the approach is going to be a vow disposal?

    I don't think she needs to pussyfoot around but when does it ever work well to be a jerk right back to someone? Have you absolutely never acted in a way you later considered ridiculous? If you have then bravo but I think most people have.

    Well why would be say quit riding twice a week in a manner like that? He's its confrontational and heck maybe its warranted. But maybe its not. Point is, there's a bigger picture we don't know about and we can't make a blanket response without knowing everything (which we can't). I don't think the presence of a penis has anything to do with what's okay or not or confrontational or not. I do however think that the presence of a wedding band should dictate your response. Yes ideally it should also dictate your spouses reaction but people aren't perfect. I don't think escalating the issue immediately is warranted.

    Your post comes off as a little defensive to me but it may just be the way I read it.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  3. #103
    Join Date
    Aug. 12, 2010
    Location
    Westford, Massachusetts
    Posts
    4,111

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Guilherme View Post
    But to "come out swinging" because to do otherwise is a sign of weakness (by either the male or the female) is monumentally stupid if the goal is to fix the problem.
    Yes, this! Being direct and being aggressive/defensive are not the same thing. You can absolutely be direct without dragging a lot of emotional overhead into it, in fact, that's what direct communication is all about. It is not a sign of weakness to not go on the attack, it's the opposite, attacking IS a sign of weakness or insecurity.

    This is a silly example and I don't even remember what the question was, because it was more important to DH than to me. Way back when DH and I were dating, he asked me something that could have been taken as a "chauvenistic" request, he asked me to do something or another. I just answered "No", very matter of factly, no defensiveness, no anger, just the answer. He started laughing, he just couldn't believe that that's all there was to it and he says that's when he decided I was the one for him .

    He'll say something, on purpose, once in a while to get that reaction, like asking me to get him a beer when we are both sitting on the couch. I say "No", nothing else, and he cracks up. He tells me that most women he'd ever dated would have either done it and been resentful, made excuses ("I'm tired too and don't feel like getting up, or I would") or attacked him ("What do you think I am a subservient woman!! How dare you!"). The straight out, matter of fact, "No", makes him soooo happy.

    If he asked me to stop riding (not that that would happen, the very idea of him telling me what to do or not do is as preposterous to him as it would be to me, we're partners and don't do that), it would be similar, "No" and then, "Why do you bring it up? Is there a problem I'm not aware of?"...opening the door to discussion of how my schedule might be inconviencing him, or how he has a new responsibility on some front, and what we can do to alleviate the issues.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  4. #104
    Join Date
    Jun. 7, 2006
    Posts
    9,038

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by danceronice View Post
    You don't know many people who have anything other than cube-farm 9-5s, do you? I *do* have (very expensive) hobby, but that's because I don't have a husband, children, large livestock at home....and I can't do it nearly as much as I'd like.
    I know plenty of people who have "other than cube-farm 9-5's" who do more than come home and zone out in front of the TV.

    One of my friends works full time for a major concert promotion company in a VP capacity (puts on concerts around the world for the likes of Madonna ) and additionally has a totally separate tax return business for hiiiiiiigh net worth individuals, and yet STILL she has friends and hobbies and goes out to dinner and does things.

    A lot of my friends are like this, which is perhaps self-selecting because I find "So, what did you do today?/Sat on the couch and watched a movie" to be boring conversation. So I gravitate in my own limited time to people who are more engaged with life, and thus can think of several examples of people with both great careers and social lives and interests.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  5. #105
    Join Date
    Sep. 20, 2005
    Posts
    3,504

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by DancingArabian View Post
    Your post comes off as a little defensive to me but it may just be the way I read it.
    I don't have any reason to be defensive - I'm not even married yet.

    I was just participating in the discussion. I, personally, would not tolerate behavior on the part of my spouse like the OP's husband's. But, that fact would likely have ended that relationship long before the spouse thing became an issue.

    Like I said - horses for courses. Some people can handle that type of relationship and some people don't want to.
    "Are you yawning? You don't ride well enough to yawn. I can yawn, because I ride better than you. Meredith Michael Beerbaum can yawn. But you? Not so much..."
    -George Morris


    1 members found this post helpful.

  6. #106
    Join Date
    Apr. 14, 2007
    Location
    Pen Argyl PA
    Posts
    4,030

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by DancingArabian View Post
    There's a difference between directness and ultimatums and I think they're beig confused here.

    When you say (using my own words) things like:
    -I'm not quitting so suck it up
    - if you don't like it leave
    - I'm not sitting riding so deal with it or else
    ..and and up threatening to end the relationship from the jump, yes that's an ultimatum. When you take directness and add the "or else" that turns it into something bigger.

    There's no reason why you can't be direct without hinting or threatening a divorce. You should never be telling your spouse things like suck it up or get out. If you're going to be threatening to end the relationship from the moment an issue comes up then there's bigger problems. If you want out, get out but don't use a disagreement as an excuse.

    I have zero problems being direct with my husband and "setting my foot down" so to speak. However I'm not going to go into the whole "I'm not your slave angle"'or the "how dare you" angle because those are confrontations. I try to keep to a "how can we work this out" approach.
    Who said "or else"? Who said, "Or i'm leaving" ? Who threatened divorce?


    1 members found this post helpful.

  7. #107
    Join Date
    Aug. 18, 2012
    Posts
    1,294

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Nezzy View Post
    Who said "or else"? Who said, "Or i'm leaving" ? Who threatened divorce?
    I did say I was using my own words
    I'm on mobile so can't quote but I'm pretty sure I saw posts hinting at the hit the road if you don't like me riding perspective.



  8. #108
    Join Date
    Oct. 12, 2010
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    1,062

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Nezzy View Post
    Who said "or else"? Who said, "Or i'm leaving" ? Who threatened divorce?
    You did, on post #41.
    Alis volat propriis.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  9. #109
    Join Date
    Oct. 12, 2010
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    1,062

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Nezzy View Post
    Really? so a wife should keep her mouth shut, not cause any waves, just roll with the punches? I guess you would have her quit her lessons, go get pregnant? Sorry but not in my house. A marriage is a partnership. if i had to pussy-foot around and walk on eggshells, i'd be packing up and moving on.
    Here it is, bolding is mine. I still haven't mastered multi-quoting!
    Alis volat propriis.



  10. #110
    Join Date
    Jul. 19, 2007
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    10,637

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by meupatdoes View Post
    I know plenty of people who have "other than cube-farm 9-5's" who do more than come home and zone out in front of the TV.

    One of my friends works full time for a major concert promotion company in a VP capacity (puts on concerts around the world for the likes of Madonna ) and additionally has a totally separate tax return business for hiiiiiiigh net worth individuals, and yet STILL she has friends and hobbies and goes out to dinner and does things.

    A lot of my friends are like this, which is perhaps self-selecting because I find "So, what did you do today?/Sat on the couch and watched a movie" to be boring conversation. So I gravitate in my own limited time to people who are more engaged with life, and thus can think of several examples of people with both great careers and social lives and interests.
    So...rich people in urban areas on commission/high salaries, ie a small percentage of the population. Most people with hourly jobs that don't involve making phone calls and sitting at desks but rather being on their feet all day frequently crash (or spend their 'time off' doing stuff that has to be done like shopping, laundry, house-cleaning, mowing the lawn, etc) because they don't have the ENERGY for anything else after the work day. I had a lot more energy when I had an NFP job, and most of my coworkers never had anything like that where you do most of your work with your mouth, not your hands. Time-consuming, expensive hobbies, clubs, and dining out are not the norm for most people (I mean, who do you think are making things like dinner out possible? People who are working while the 'folks with lives' go out to eat.)


    2 members found this post helpful.

  11. #111
    Join Date
    Jun. 7, 2006
    Posts
    9,038

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by danceronice View Post
    So...rich people in urban areas on commission/high salaries, ie a small percentage of the population. Most people with hourly jobs that don't involve making phone calls and sitting at desks but rather being on their feet all day frequently crash (or spend their 'time off' doing stuff that has to be done like shopping, laundry, house-cleaning, mowing the lawn, etc) because they don't have the ENERGY for anything else after the work day. I had a lot more energy when I had an NFP job, and most of my coworkers never had anything like that where you do most of your work with your mouth, not your hands. Time-consuming, expensive hobbies, clubs, and dining out are not the norm for most people (I mean, who do you think are making things like dinner out possible? People who are working while the 'folks with lives' go out to eat.)
    Actually I know people in all sorts of demographics who have 'other-than 9-5 cube-farm' jobs and still find time to be engaged with other people and extracurricular activities. I have myself held physical labor jobs (full time barn help) and high paid urban jobs (BigLaw lawyer in Manhattan) and still maintained a life outside of work. I have worked in the music industry, at British Parliament, for a US Congresswoman, in various capacities in the horse industry, in sales, and as a waitress to name a few.

    Based on my experiences I feel pretty comfortable concluding that interesting people with social lives exist in all those work-spheres.

    If your life is really leaving you so drained that you can't muster the will to get up off the couch, perhaps some re-evaluation is in order.

    God won't give you the time back.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  12. #112
    Join Date
    Nov. 1, 2005
    Location
    The Prairie
    Posts
    5,475

    Default

    Clearly when the person with whom we are discussing "non negotiables" is one's spouse as opposed to someone who is at arm's length the approach is different. I would expect this should be the same whether we are talking about a husband or a wife. However, the difference lies in saying "Look, this is really important to me and we are, together, going to have to find a way to make this work" vs "I really need this, please can't you look after your child by yourself 2x week?" The second is, imo, belittling and unfair.

    Clearly, as most have stated, "it is not about the horses". Same thing would happen if OP took up tennis, mountain biking, antiquing, whatever.

    What I find unacceptable and baffling is the fact that a father can't look after his toddler by himself for a couple of hours two times per week. Really?

    Either he is
    a) afraid and uncomfortable to do so, in which case he should be a mature adult and say so. OP can then give him "extra instruction" on looking after toddler. And then trust him to do so. If he can't figure out how to keep a toddler alive for 2 hours he probably shouldn't be flying planes either
    b) can't do enough math to figure out that 2x week is not "having baby dumped on him all the time" In which case, I repeat, he probably shouldn't be flying a plane
    c) doesn't think he should have to, in which case OP has bigger problems and counselling is in order.
    d) can't stand to be without the OP when he is not at work..in which case...see above.
    e) hate the idea that the OP has something she loves to do that does not involve him. Again, see above.

    Marriage is a partnership but everyone (male or female) needs their space and everyone is responsible for their fair share of child care. Why should that be negotiable?
    I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  13. #113
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2006
    Posts
    1,919

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by danceronice View Post
    Some people would love to have the energy for a hobby or do much more than get home, eat, zone in front of the TV until they have the motivation to go to bed (and not in the recreational sense.) And at some point muster up the energy to do what has to be done around the house. (There is a spade and four new rootstock plants calling my name as soon as I get the energy up to get dressed for gardening. And I'm on third shift tonight so I'll be getting home around midnight.) I've got coworkers who haven't had a day off in two weeks because they're higher ups and they've had to supervise new hires and trainees. They'd like an hour more to sleep, forget a hobby.

    You don't know many people who have anything other than cube-farm 9-5s, do you? I *do* have (very expensive) hobby, but that's because I don't have a husband, children, large livestock at home....and I can't do it nearly as much as I'd like.

    And yet again...there is a difference between "I find riding to be my stress reliever" and "I am going to ride and spend as much time at the barn as I want because it makes ME happy me me me" when you go into a discussion. If you don't want to have to discuss things and give ground (I bet he doesn't WANT to spend hours alone with a kid and who can blame him but if their marriage is going to work he's going to probably have to suck that up) don't get married and breed.
    Agreed with Meup on her responses to you but one thing I needed to point out...

    It is HIS child. If he didn't want to spend hours with "a kid" alone... Well he shouldn't have had one. It is hanging out with a child you love, not chinese water torture. She has no more, I hate saying this, obligation to be with the child than he does so he needs to do his fair share. She didn't get pregnant all by herself.

    I know my DH has tried this, and (this may help you OP) I reminded him of the hours he spends doing his own activities and if he would like he can stop too or we can each find a sitter when we would like to do something but if he cannot keep the kids while I get a break, well buddy, you don't get one either. In addition, I found when I said "hey I want to ride Saturday" I tended to get blown off instead of "I am going riding at 2pm on Saturday" and sticking to it.

    My husband works a physically demanding job and yes he is tired at times but (because he works 12 hour shifts not including the return drive time, sometimes 2+ hours away) I don't expect him to keep them when he has work the next day aside from feeding when it was cold and nasty out and I fed either after the kids were sleeping at first but that didn't work very well so then right after he got home. I managed my AM feedings bringing the kids with me or other child care.

    Yes I try to be considerate but um... We both had children and for me, having my own time and passion makes me a better mother. OP deserves her own time.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  14. #114
    Join Date
    Oct. 12, 2001
    Location
    Center of the Universe
    Posts
    7,358

    Default

    but rather being on their feet all day frequently crash (or spend their 'time off' doing stuff that has to be done like shopping, laundry, house-cleaning, mowing the lawn, etc) because they don't have the ENERGY for anything else after the work day.
    I don't know anyone who does this, regardless of type of job. I know quite a few nurses who spend 12 hours on their feet, and they don't do that, they go the barn after their shift, or to the dog training club, which are places I meet them. Maybe it's self-selection though- I suppose it's hard to meet the folks who do nothing but sit on the couch in front of the TV at home. It's kind of self-defeating to do that- the less you do, the less energy you have.

    anyone, it's one thing to choose of your own free will to stay home every night, and quite a different thing to have your spouse pressuring you to do that when you want to go do things instead.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  15. #115
    Join Date
    Jun. 7, 2006
    Posts
    9,038

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by wendy View Post
    Maybe it's self-selection though- I suppose it's hard to meet the folks who do nothing but sit on the couch in front of the TV at home.
    Also, if you are one of the folks who do nothing but sit on the couch after work, it is hard to meet the folks who do have lives outside of work. Unless they are having that life on your couch.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  16. #116
    Join Date
    Apr. 14, 2007
    Location
    Pen Argyl PA
    Posts
    4,030

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by bluemooncowgirl View Post
    You did, on post #41.
    Wrong. i never said anything like that. I told her to EXPLAIN that she would not be stopping her lessons. That does not mean "or Else" it does not mean She is to threaten divorce. Wow you sure read into things that are not there.

    I said that in MY house if i had to walk on eggshells i would be gone. i never advised the OP that she should do the same.



  17. #117
    Join Date
    Apr. 14, 2007
    Location
    Pen Argyl PA
    Posts
    4,030

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by bluemooncowgirl View Post
    Here it is, bolding is mine. I still haven't mastered multi-quoting!

    If you re-read it- it says IF i had to walk on Eggshells i would be moving on. I did not say the OP should pack up and leave. Nor did i say She was walking on eggshells.



  18. #118
    Join Date
    Dec. 2, 2001
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    209

    Smile DH's Reply

    After thirty years together DH has heard it all. When I read OP's post to him, he opened one eye (he was dozing after spending the day helping out in the barn) and said "Horse people should only marry horse people," and closed the eye again. He has been wonderful in supporting me and my daughter's horse addiction, even though he rarely rides. He does enjoy the horses though. No advice here, just a thought that made me smile.
    Second place is first loser.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  19. #119
    Join Date
    Jan. 18, 2002
    Location
    canada
    Posts
    387

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by meupatdoes View Post
    Some things really are non-negotiable. Why pretend they are negotiable when they aren't? Be honest about the fact that it is a non-negotiable position for you.

    Saying, "No, I will never do a threesome with you and the neighbor," is not an ultimatum. It is simply stating a non-negotiable condition.

    Saying, "No, I never want children" is not an ultimatum. It is simply stating a non-negotiable condition. You can not compromise on whether or not there is a child in the home. There either is, or there is not.

    For some people, riding is non-negotiable. "I will never give it up" is how it is.

    If one party's non-negotiable condition is a non-negotiable problem for the other party, then decisions need to be made.

    One of my brothers was in a relationship where he stated that NO KIDS was his position and it would not change. The woman wanted children and left him for that reason 48 hours later. When non-negotiable conditions clash, decisions need to be made. There is no point in pretending you may be convince-able if you really are not. The question then becomes can the other party accept it or not. They may agree with your position, they may not care either way and be fine with whatever is important to you, or decisions may need to be made.
    And this folks is the truth of the situation. The OP has to decide what is negotiable and what is not. If riding is non-negotiable than that is what needs to be said. He is an adult, he will either get it or he won't.
    Signing him up for something is absolutely not the way to go. Talk about
    skirting the issue. If he wanted to do something else he would, he doesn't need a wife to tell him what to do and as far as I am concerned cause more problems.
    Its not rocket science, its two people coming at it from two different angles.
    Better to be honest about it, that way both parties can either work through it or not.
    Its the OP that needs to come to a decision of how important the horse is, and its up to her to be honest with him.
    www.tayvalleyfarm.com
    My other home.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  20. #120
    Join Date
    Dec. 29, 2012
    Location
    La La Land
    Posts
    734

    Default

    Well I believe that when you will not compromise its totally OK to say so. So if thats a my way or the highway stance so be it.
    I have been married for 25 years to a man that if you speak to him at all about anything, even if you say" how was your day ?" or " what are you doing" He takes it as confrontation. He is unable to have a conversation. The only form of comunication he understands is an argument. It does not matter how you say it, when you say it, what tone of voice you say it in. Basically if you are speaking to him you are confronting him. So I compromise ALOT. I have lots of patience and am willing to go through an hour of, in circles screaming and yelling and accusations just to find out if he needs gas in the car. Why because I dont sweat the small stuff.
    He can not help the way he is , his parents and upbringing in a highly disfunctional family made him this way. Everyones parents or childrearers gives them a tool box to get through life, he was given a tool box full of monkey wrenches that were rusty. Not his fault. I accept it. However since I do compromise 98% of the time , I do the my way or the highway when I reach times that are not up for discussion. (or argument) He knows its true, I wont budge, and I dont ever make idle threats. If I plant my feet, bam thats it. Riding would be for me a foot planter. He knows it, and doesnt mess with it.

    I have asked him to go to counseling for 25 years, and he will not. He will not accept the fact he has a comunication problem, and thats the first step. What sense does going to counseling make if you are forced to go there? So I am left with my way or the highway tactic when it really matters because thats the only thing that works.

    The problem is not the OP riding. The problem is the husbands reaction to it. The only way to fix the problem is to communicate with each other. Not reward the husband for bad behavior such as only riding once a week instead of twice. If the couple is unable to communicate with each other and fix the problem, then outside help such as a marriage counsler would be advisable, but only helpful if both parties are in agreement of going.

    This is not a feministic approach that I am asserting on my husband. Its the only thing that works, so those of you that say how my way or the highway is soooo wrong, well you aint walking in my shoes.


    1 members found this post helpful.

Similar Threads

  1. What time do you leave the office to ride?
    By Hunter88 in forum Off Course
    Replies: 52
    Last Post: Jul. 31, 2013, 05:29 PM
  2. Replies: 32
    Last Post: May. 2, 2013, 02:33 PM
  3. HT ride time scheduling - WTH ???
    By KateWooten in forum Eventing
    Replies: 25
    Last Post: Mar. 13, 2012, 07:15 PM
  4. Finding time to ride
    By hellerkm in forum Off Course
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: Sep. 26, 2009, 08:31 PM
  5. Side reins for a horse that resents contact??????
    By OTTBLUVER in forum Dressage
    Replies: 28
    Last Post: May. 20, 2008, 01:27 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •