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  1. #21
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    I don't know that the punishment was too harsh, maybe, maybe not, since I'm not privvy to all the details and history. BUT, since OP did clearly warn niece that she would not be sending the horse if she had a party, OP really does have to follow through now.

    A way to encourage better behavior would be to detail a way that niece might redeem herself and get a second chance, with specific goals to be met. Grades? Earning X amount of money toward horse? Good behavior reports from the guardians for X amount of time?


    15 members found this post helpful.

  2. #22
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    I agree with PaulaEdwina (and I have two teenage boys, so am familiar with these issues!).

    I would absolutely have had consequences for the party, but taking away the horse would not have been one of them. If this horse was to be a kind of lifeline to this girl, why would you take that away??

    I don't know exactly what punishment I would have used, but I liked one I heard about, where the boy had to weed a pasture. It was doing something unpleasant, but that needed doing. I used a similar punishment when my then-11 year old wrote me a nasty note and left it on my pillow (I had punished him for something and he was mad). I ended up having him pick rocks in the pasture (I think he had to pick 200 or something). It was unpleasant, needed doing and the pastures were better for it.

    If possible I would tie the consequence to the infraction.


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  3. #23
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    I agree with PaulaEdwina (and I have two teenage boys, so am familiar with these issues!).

    I would absolutely have had consequences for the party, but taking away the horse would not have been one of them. If this horse was to be a kind of lifeline to this girl, why would you take that away??

    I don't know exactly what punishment I would have used, but I liked one I heard about, where the boy had to weed a pasture. It was doing something unpleasant, but that needed doing. I used a similar punishment when my then-11 year old wrote me a nasty note and left it on my pillow (I had punished him for something and he was mad). I ended up having him pick rocks in the pasture (I think he had to pick 200 or something). It was unpleasant, needed doing and the pastures were better for it.

    If possible I would tie the consequence to the infraction.


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  4. #24
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    Well, Paula, like I said, it wasn't the first time. She's 15 and knows right from wrong. She made the conscious decision to "be cool".
    As far as canceling the horse, I did tell the new barn that if things change in the months to come (and if they have a stall) maybe we will revisit this. It's not that I will NEVER give her the horse, but not now. If she stays out of trouble for the remaining of the school year, we will discuss the possibility.

    My parents never punish her. She is starting to manipulate everyone and I refuse to be a part of that. Because I have some control over the situation (meaning the horse), I can take. I can't stop my mom from paying for lessons, but I can choose not to contribute.

    MHM, I don't HAVE to ride him, but it feels a little wasteful. I may on farm lease him, or do some events with him myself.
    mykidshavefourlegs.blogspot.com


    12 members found this post helpful.

  5. #25
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    Jan. 12, 2000
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    Proud owner of one Lunar acre! (Campanus Crater, The Moon)
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    Quote Originally Posted by LittleblackMorgan View Post
    I am so very disappointed in my teen niece.

    We had a plan that she was getting my gelding for a year. I'm talking moving the horse across state lines, pulling him out of retirement (4 shoes, more shots than I would have done if he stayed home, body clipping etc etc).

    She was planning on having a party and I caught wind of it. (parental units are away, another family member was with her). I promptly called her and told her if I heard she had a party, no horse for her.

    She said she would not.

    (mind you, I'm giving her a horse in the feeble attempts to keep her at the barn and not with the wrong crowd, as she is 15 and starting to push boundaries).

    Well.

    I get a phone call from family member yesterday.

    She had a party Saturday night. Family member ran out for errands and niece had some girlfriends over. Family member comes back and there are 20+ teenagers in the house, drinking beer and playing drinking games.

    And then the cops showed up.

    Someone reported underage drinking.

    I am disappointed, angry and let down. I have not spoken to my niece yet-and she knows she is up the creek without a paddle, and I'm sure it's dawned on her that she is one horse less now.

    Her heart will be broken but she needs to learn consequences.

    I already canceled the shipper and notified the barn of the cancellation.

    Nice to know she was busy drinking and partying while I was elbow deep in hair Saturday night, body clipping what WAS her pony.

    That is all.

    Anyone else have any teen stories?
    She will not be heartbroken. She knew the consequences well before she decided to have the party. She made the choice.

    I'd guess you're more heartbroken than she is because you would have felt that way in her shoes. She obviously doesn't view horses the same way you do--or the way you wish she would.
    "Relinquish your whip!!"


    6 members found this post helpful.

  6. #26
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    Jan. 17, 2008
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    Quote Originally Posted by SMF11 View Post
    I agree with PaulaEdwina (and I have two teenage boys, so am familiar with these issues!).

    I would absolutely have had consequences for the party, but taking away the horse would not have been one of them. If this horse was to be a kind of lifeline to this girl, why would you take that away??

    I don't know exactly what punishment I would have used, but I liked one I heard about, where the boy had to weed a pasture. It was doing something unpleasant, but that needed doing. I used a similar punishment when my then-11 year old wrote me a nasty note and left it on my pillow (I had punished him for something and he was mad). I ended up having him pick rocks in the pasture (I think he had to pick 200 or something). It was unpleasant, needed doing and the pastures were better for it.

    If possible I would tie the consequence to the infraction.
    I realize the possible implications by taking the horse away. But we're talking about high schoolers drinking at a house owned by someone with a business. Someone who could be held liable if a kid drank/drove. It's the big picture, not the isolated incident. I would have NEVER had the balls to party at my own house for fear of punishment. This child has no fear. That is part of the problem.

    She did just text me and say that "word got out" that the parents were away and people just started showing up.

    That might be believable, had she not planned to have a party on Friday night (which got squashed). Her mother overheard her Thursday making plans for the Friday party.

    Again, I did warn her. I was very serious about it. I feel terrible because I know she knows she f---ed up royally, but if I give her the horse anyway, she's just going to do something else and know that the consequences won't be THAT bad.
    mykidshavefourlegs.blogspot.com


    20 members found this post helpful.

  7. #27
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    Jul. 31, 2007
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    Quote Originally Posted by E D View Post
    They were invited to go elsewhere. I believe that it was the "something for nothing" concept that played out here. Because they didn't have to pay, but rather work, they developed some sense of entitlement.
    That's a sad analysis of the inner-workings of the po' folks' head. Somehow money that you didn't earn is more valuable that work traded for a monetary value? What?

    Maybe the po folks' had one of those existential crises that comes with being poor young and unskilled: You realize just how little you can buy with how much of your labor.

    Meh. The kid has time to figure it out--- that a better hourly wage is the goal, not just working for peanuts and a steady diet of peanuts.
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat



  8. #28
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    Feb. 25, 2012
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    Rock on LBM! We can't really tell people what they can and can't do (because they tend to prove they can indeed!!) but we can state what we will or won't do in response to their actions. That allows them a choice, which your neice made. And you are creating a very powerful lesson. Option A was no party and she gets a horse! Option B was having a party and no horse! There IS no option C - having the party AND the horse! She was given a chance to pick which option she wanted and she did. Learning that lesson can be extremely helpful no hard feelings, just make whatever choice works - show up and get a paycheck, don't show up and don't get a paycheck, it applies to many circumstances.Maybe down the line some other option will present it self but not this time! And I agree about waiting till you cool down. I need to remember that more often!!!!


    7 members found this post helpful.

  9. #29
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    Feb. 20, 2009
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    Bill for your time and expenses.

    I don’t understand how it got to a cop calling party if the 15 year old had supervision. Obviously you knew about the plan before hand. Did you mention it to anyone else? Kind of hard to organize 20+ people coming over when the adult in charge is just “running errands”.

    I’ll agree she has to live with the consequences of moving ahead with the party = no horse for now but the adult(s) in charge should also have to live the consequences. She’s 15 and kids do stupid things. Knowing she already had problems, it was not wise to leave her home alone. Yeah, that sucks for the parents/guardians but it’s part of the responsibility.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  10. #30
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    Jun. 25, 2004
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    Make no decisions until you have a chance to speak to her face2face. She may have told her friends about the grands going away and the "friends" decided to have a party. She may have decided to have a party herself then cancelled but the "friends" came anyway. She may have said chuck you Farley and decided to have the party. You need to gauge what likely happened before taking any action.
    Remember it is often difficult to get the full truth from teens so go with with your best gut reaction.
    "Never do anything that you have to explain twice to the paramedics."
    Courtesy my cousin Tim



  11. #31
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    Jan. 17, 2008
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    Quote Originally Posted by CrazyGuineaPigLady View Post
    Bill for your time and expenses.

    I don’t understand how it got to a cop calling party if the 15 year old had supervision. Obviously you knew about the plan before hand. Did you mention it to anyone else? Kind of hard to organize 20+ people coming over when the adult in charge is just “running errands”.

    I’ll agree she has to live with the consequences of moving ahead with the party = no horse for now but the adult(s) in charge should also have to live the consequences. She’s 15 and kids do stupid things. Knowing she already had problems, it was not wise to leave her home alone. Yeah, that sucks for the parents/guardians but it’s part of the responsibility.
    When the family member ran out to do errands, niece had a couple girl friends over. When the family member returned a couple hours later, there were 20+ kids there drinking.

    I wasn't there, I live in another part of the state (an hour away).

    Furthermore, there are cameras outside of the house.

    The adult that was there, she's in trouble too with my parents. But that has nothing to do with me.

    My niece was caught with friends drinking in her room some time ago, and smoking pot. While my mom was HOME (in bed, but home). THAT is ballsy. Like I said, no fear.
    mykidshavefourlegs.blogspot.com


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  12. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by fooler View Post
    Make no decisions until you have a chance to speak to her face2face. She may have told her friends about the grands going away and the "friends" decided to have a party. She may have decided to have a party herself then cancelled but the "friends" came anyway. She may have said chuck you Farley and decided to have the party. You need to gauge what likely happened before taking any action.
    Remember it is often difficult to get the full truth from teens so go with with your best gut reaction.
    Too late, already canceled with the shipper and barn.
    My gut tells me that she very well knew what she was doing. She's trying to get in with the popular crowd. Thought "well, I won't get in trouble, even if I get caught".

    Well, Aunty is NOT a pushover.
    mykidshavefourlegs.blogspot.com


    6 members found this post helpful.

  13. #33
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    Apr. 1, 2008
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    I'm sorry your niece disappointing you. Kids do things we know they shouldn't all the time and some of them are dangerous (underage drinking etc). I agree you should not send the horse, but only because you stated you would not if she did something you disapproved of.

    here is the problem you are now faced with. Let's say she figures this out, and redeems herself so you send the horse in ohhhh 6 or 12 months. Then she screws up again while the horse is there. Do you pull him? Do you leave him? The issue is that you can't control how she behaves through the horse.

    and in response to your OP, I do have stories and stories about teens, one of them is actually mine but I won't post them here on COTH.



  14. #34
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    I don't know about the future. Will have to figure that out later.
    mykidshavefourlegs.blogspot.com



  15. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by LittleblackMorgan View Post
    Too late, already canceled with the shipper and barn.
    My gut tells me that she very well knew what she was doing. She's trying to get in with the popular crowd. Thought "well, I won't get in trouble, even if I get caught".

    Well, Aunty is NOT a pushover.
    Understood and agree with the steps you had already taken. Thinking of the next possible actions you may or may not take.
    "Never do anything that you have to explain twice to the paramedics."
    Courtesy my cousin Tim


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  16. #36
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    LBM, I agree, once you said you'd take the horse away if there was a party you definitely have to follow through. I was just suggesting that the consequence (next time) not be taking away something that would be positively influencing your niece.

    Not having all the facts of the situation, my opinion would be the same re: lessons. If horses are really a good influence in her life, they need to be there, even when she messes up. You/her (grand)parents need to absolutely have consequences; just not horsey ones perhaps. Aren't there any really horrible jobs that need doing around the house? Or other parties that she could be forbidden from attending?


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  17. #37
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    Dec. 11, 2005
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    I'm sorry your niece made bad choices, LBM. I stand behind you in your decision to not send her the horse. You were very clear about what would happen if she followed through with the party, and the only right thing to do for all involved is to you to follow through with the consequences.

    Having appropriate and consistently enforced expectations and consequences for kids truly helps their healthy development. I have been going to the barn where I board my horse for almost 6 years now. In that time, I have seen some of the lesson and vaulting kids grow up into really nice teenagers and young adults -- far from perfect, mind you, but good solid people who I enjoy having around me. I give horses and the strong positive influence and appropriately high expectations of the BOs-trainers quite a lot of credit.
    Last edited by laskiblue; Apr. 22, 2013 at 12:18 PM. Reason: typo as usual :-)


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  18. #38
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    Apr. 22, 2013
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    Teenagers, ugh, yes. I knew this teen girl who really loved horses, but other than a poorly homebred pony that she had "trained" herself, she had no real opportunity to ride/show/learn. So, I took her to shows to watch where she realized that her pony just really wasnt the creme de la creme. She of course knew all there was to know about horses and showing etc., except for some minor details like...having a negative coggins, for starters. I payed for a hunt seat lesson for her since she had never ridden english and presumed that all you did was sit up there and look pretty. Although she liked it, she learned pretty quickly that there was more to it than looking pretty. I then offered an opportunity to her in which she would ride and show my QH mare in local Western Pleasure...ALL expenses paid by me. Her reply..."I wouldnt be caught dead showing western pleasure, Im a barrel racer!"



  19. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by Deuce View Post
    This needs emphasis. So often parents/family give in on things like this. Far few kids these days realize that there ARE consequences for their actions. No one teaches personal responsibility any more.

    That being said, my neighbors 17 year old daughter is one of the nicest girls you'll ever meet. Nice teenagers exist. They are rare, but they exist.

    Sorry about your disappointment, OP - but good on you for doing the RIGHT thing!
    Well yes, but. You do have to make sure the punishment fits the crime. Otherwise, no lesson is learned and the child focuses on the severity of the punishment. I don't know that I would have made the threat in the first place, but yes, once you make it you do have to carry it out.

    I wonder, why didn't you just let the parents know she was planning a party instead of stepping in?
    "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~Immanuel Kant


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  20. #40
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    Actually, my mother asked me to help HER since she was away. She's the one who told me niece was planning a party (she was informed by niece's mother).

    My parents, unfortuately, force a lot of crap on the rest of the family in regards to the child. They depend on extended family a lot.

    My parents don't even know yet (to the best of my knowledge) that the party happened Saturday. So they dont know about the horse going poof either. They will be home tomorrow. Discussions will be had.

    It's a family wide mess, really.
    mykidshavefourlegs.blogspot.com



  21. #41
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    can you lease him out to another well deserving teen or young adult?
    Barn rat for life

    The Big Horse


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