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  1. #1
    Join Date
    May. 22, 2005
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    855

    Default When your SO acts like an AH

    For starters, my SO of 13 years came from a very poor corrupt country where everyone cheated each other for as much as they could get-OR-you didn't get a thing. (slight exaggeration but not really)

    FFwd to today-he still sometimes acts like he has to fight for everything, meaning that someone HAS to be made wrong in order for there to be an agreement. We just got through a situation where a furnace installer intentionally or mistakingly cut a few wires that messed up our electricity. Electrician found this out-furnace company owner (different than young worker) TOTALLY took responsibility and paid the elect. bill right away.

    IMO both the elect. and the furnace co. owner acted with the highest level of integrity.

    Enter the SO who thinks that HE is now entitled to reimbursement because he wanted to go up and take pics of the findings, plus he stuck around to do clean up after the electrician (this is a rental)

    I told him (SO) that owners don't get to do this-and furthermore, everyone else has been nice-he was the only one here acting like an AH.

    Disintegrated from there. I took myself out of the equation.

    Anyone else: how do you deal with your SO when he acts like an AH?



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec. 4, 2005
    Location
    washington state
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    7,866

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    Tell him to shut his pie hole and if he doesn't then don't let the door hit him on the way out.

    See, this is why I am single
    The Knotted Pony

    Proud and upstanding member of the Snort and Blow Clique.


    25 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan. 26, 2010
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    5,942

    Default

    We have the same SO. Basically, we had a lot of fights, and I ended up doing what twotru did. FOLLOW through. Now mine doesn't cross the line and talks about how "we" have to work together instead of acting like a big baby. He still acts like a big baby sometimes, but I just ignore it, tell him now it is, and in a day or so, that becomes his truth. Brainwashing works well--just keep repeating the way it is, and ignore it when it suddenly becomes his idea because he figured it out.

    Let HIM do all of this all by himself with no help from you. I bet he loses interest.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan. 6, 2003
    Location
    CT
    Posts
    3,460

    Default

    Mine's prone to wearing the AH hat.. less frequently these days but whooboy, once upon a time. Yikes.

    I'm wife #3 and what works for me is saying emphatically:

    "PLEEEEEEEEAASE don't tell me I married such an A$$HOLE!!"

    I'm guessing nobody put it that way before b/c 9 out of 10 he'll soften and realize he's being a dick.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar. 10, 2009
    Posts
    5,490

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Sansena View Post
    Mine's prone to wearing the AH hat.. less frequently these days but whooboy, once upon a time. Yikes.

    I'm wife #3 and what works for me is saying emphatically:

    "PLEEEEEEEEAASE don't tell me I married such an A$$HOLE!!"

    I'm guessing nobody put it that way before b/c 9 out of 10 he'll soften and realize he's being a dick.
    Oh, I am so stealing that.

    DH is generally pretty even-steven, but of course he has his moments. He absolutely, positively HAS to be right, even when there's really no right/wrong or if there is, it doesn't matter. Because of how he grew up, he tends to perceive some things as criticisms when they aren't.

    Example of the latter:
    Me: "Hon, PLEASE wipe down the kitchen counter after you prep food. Just because it's dark granite doesn't mean I can't tell you spilled ketchup and then just sort of smeared it around." (Said benignly, with a smile).

    DH: "O-KAY! I was going to get it later, Miss-Left-Her-Shoes-In-The-Bathroom-Again." (He hates that because they sometimes impede a mad dash to the john).

    He's gotten better, though, ever since I recognized the pattern and explained that a little condiment spillage on the counter isn't evidence of a huge character flaw; my asking him to clean it up isn't a condemnation. No need to get defensive. Now when he does that I'll sometimes say, "yes, I know, that was really code for 'you suck as a husband'." Usually defuses what used to escalate into a minor tiff.

    But don't get me started on when he is sick. Major a-hole when he's sick. Snarling, whining, demanding, pissy about everything. This past week he had a bad cold (that I gave him, sad to say), and he had a bad opinion of everything. I called him on it a couple of times (like when I was coughing - from the same cold - and he accused me of cheating and smoking when I damn well had not and told him so in NO uncertain terms). Usually I just avoid him.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Sep. 7, 2009
    Location
    Lexington, KY
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    17,792

    Default

    You need to use the I message instead of being passive aggressively confrontational. Instead of "I can tell you spilled ketchup", try "I really would appreciate it if the counter could be cleaned up after spilling ketchup. It's really sticky."
    "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~Immanuel Kant



  7. #7
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    Mar. 10, 2009
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    Quote Originally Posted by LauraKY View Post
    You need to use the I message instead of being passive aggressively confrontational. Instead of "I can tell you spilled ketchup", try "I really would appreciate it if the counter could be cleaned up after spilling ketchup. It's really sticky."
    I've tried. No matter how I phrase certain requests they are all interpreted the same. I realized at some point (his sister is the same except she's more likely to voice her hurt), that it directly relates to their upbringing, which while it certainly wasn't the most abusive situation (i.e., nothing CPS would've taken seriously) was pretty awful. His parents divorced and then his mom died when he was 4. He and his sister were formally adopted and raised by a nasty old battle-axe of a bible-thumping grandma; according to her he never did anything right. For a long time he thought his dad had abandoned them, but they've since found out that Grandma went to the ends of the earth to keep Dad away - even told the kids he'd died. This was in the 50's-60's, by the way.

    So I am patient, and he is getting better about not viewing everything as criticism.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Feb. 25, 2011
    Location
    So California
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    2,757

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    Men are like children. When they are irritable and whiny, it's usually because they're hungry. Seriously. The next time he's out of line, feed him something and see if he's totally a different person after that.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Aug. 12, 2002
    Location
    Calera, AL
    Posts
    1,901

    Default

    My SO won't raise a ruckus over ANYTHING (as long as it doesn't have to do with me). He is so mild mannered about stuff I just want to beat him.

    I.E. PeteyPie's advice, maybe I should starve him. LOL!
    "Dogs are man's best friend. Cats are man's adorable little serial killer." -- theoatmeal.com


    1 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Feb. 28, 2006
    Location
    The rocky part of KY
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    9,379

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by LauraKY View Post
    You need to use the I message instead of being passive aggressively confrontational. Instead of "I can tell you spilled ketchup", try "I really would appreciate it if the counter could be cleaned up after spilling ketchup. It's really sticky."
    Bwahahahah! Right.

    My DH grew up as the surrogate parent for his two close in age male troublemaking sibs and he's one of those that yells first and asks questions later. If I phrase anything with any wiggle room at all, such as "Would you take out the trash" or "I would appreciate it if . . ." he says no, I DON'T want to take out the trash and I don't care about the counter, you clean it if you don't like it. If I screech at him to take out the MoFo trash @#$%, he tends to do it without complaint.

    And he wonders why I'm so cranky in my old age.
    Courageous Weenie Eventer Wannabe
    Incredible Invisible


    4 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,541

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    Mara-unfortunately it's not unusual for that kind of thing to happen to kids when a divorce or death occurs in a family. A friend's husband was a little older when his mom died, then they were dumped on his Grandma (mother's mother), and dad remarried about the same time. My friend's husband was named after his dad, and dad still lived less than a mile away from the kids, and never saw them again. A few years later dad and stepmom produced a son, and I bet you can't guess what they named the son? Yes, he's a junior with dad's name also. The two boys have never met, and the second my friend's husband was old enough, and graduated high school he joined the Army, and never went back to Toledo again.

    It's too bad that people who have kids, apparently sometimes never wanted them or cared about them.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jun. 15, 2010
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    2,464

    Default

    In my non professional opinion it sounds like his past experiences have shaped his current interactions and he subconsciously looks to "win" rather than solve an issue and move on. For whatever reason Americans tend to have an adversion to mental health care. I guess they see it as a signal that something is "wrong" or they are not "normal." In reality, most mental health care professionals just play the important role of being a neutral third party and facilitating conversation. If your SO would consider it, I think sitting down with a counselor could help a lot. He will be happier if he isn't constantly seeking to "win" disagreements and it will reduce the number of negative feelings you feel towards him when he gets in that mindset. This doesn't sound like a daily issue or a marriage breaker but I can see how it could be draining. Do you think that casually speaking to a counselor a few times would be an option he'd consider?

    ETA: I know you weren't really advice seeking and more venting so please feel free to disregard the above comment. In response to your actual comment "how do you deal with your SO when he acts like an AH?"

    My SO can get into a self-gratifying bubble. His decisions and actions are shaped to maximize his happiness and if my needs are met that's great otherwise meh, no skin off his back. He is incredibly compassionate but every now and again he gets in these funks which are usually triggered by illness, stress, etc. Once it culminated in a situation where I was moving out of my place alone because he would rather hang out at his place and watch a movie. We had a firm CTJ about the expectations of a relationship and how we both need to put each others needs first and in doing so we will both be happier. Every now and then one of us reminds the other one but sitting down and getting to the heart of the issue that one time really made a huge difference.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Feb. 4, 2009
    Location
    NCC DE
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    2,300

    Default

    Lot's of good advice here. For me, it was simply easier to divorce him.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
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    Apr. 4, 2010
    Location
    yonder a bit, GA
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    Oh man, I see these types so much at work (resort)... Confrontational, competitive, manipulative.... And these are the guests on vacation! There's also a world class hotel within the property and as nice as the customer service standards can be they are so wrapped up in catering to the demands /complaints of guests that the resort ends up almost encouraging and promoting whiny bitching and demands for refunds or more freebies.

    LOL sorry for the tangent, I suppose I need a day off? But yeah, I see a lot of behavior that would just be soul crushing for my sensitive self to put up with, but other women seem to handle it fine. Who knows how others' relationships work, lol!

    Mrb and I just say that the other person is acting like our grumpy pissant dog (love him but that's a reality check for sure!)
    (A decidedly unhorsey) MrB knocks over a feed bucket at the tack shop and mutters, "Oh crap. I failed the stadium jumping phase."
    (he does listen!)


    1 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Feb. 3, 2005
    Location
    Southern Ontario
    Posts
    910

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    Quote Originally Posted by PeteyPie View Post
    Men are like children. When they are irritable and whiny, it's usually because they're hungry. Seriously. The next time he's out of line, feed him something and see if he's totally a different person after that.
    This is SO true. When my husband gets grouchy/whinny/short tempered, I ask if he has eaten anything recently. The answer is usually a no. He hates it when I am right!



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Oct. 20, 2005
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    2,808

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    They are generally selfish. For some of the men in my life (relatives, exes) they get all nasty and pissy and act like babies when they want something to happen but they don't want to initiate it because then they have to take responsibility for it. I hope that makes sense. The best way to handle that (which is a sweet way of saying Eff You without saying it at all) is to not react. Your reaction justifies their action and gives them the means for the end they're seeking.

    I hate it when men act like babies.
    It's a uterus, not a clown car. - Sayyedati



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Dec. 31, 2000
    Location
    El Paso, TX
    Posts
    12,592

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    I just made sure the 2nd husband I married wasn't an AH. LOL.

    It kind of surprises me that people refer to their spouses like that. My DH never acts in a manner that I would refer to as an AH. Does he have faults? Sure! But so do I. And if he is grumpy, or something I try to cut him some slack. All of us have faults and aren't in the best of moods at times. Does he ever treat me disrespectfully? No. Nor do I do that to him. It wouldn't ever occur to me to refer to my DH acting like an AH. (It's not like he kicks the dog, or slams doors or anything.).


    1 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    May. 22, 2005
    Posts
    855

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    Well this has been fun! As for my SO, i need to make the clarification that to me, acting "like an AH" is a few notches from "being an AH." Also, not to justify his actions at all, but GLR was right "

    his past experiences have shaped his current interactions and he subconsciously looks to "win" rather than solve an issue and move on."

    As I mentioned, he grew up in a different country where the citizens basically had no rights at all-still don't. He has been in the US for 12 years now, came here as an adult so I don't think is going to be "Americanized" anytime soon.

    I have come to have a bit more compassion for this kind of dysfunctional response, but also resonate with what others say with needing to draw a bottom line at some point. My bottom line here was trying my best to explain why I felt otherwise, explain a bit about the cultural piece, tell him I do respect and value him, and finally, because I did not agree with him here that I would not back him in this situation. I also encouraged him to get counsel from a few people he trusts.

    There are many pitfalls of a cross-cultural relationship, and many intricacies and subtleties of the moral and ethical code that is adhered to because of the different upbringings. For the most part, despite the situations similar to what I have written about here, the magic FAR OUTWEIGHS the places we don't meet.

    Sometimes, I must realize that part of the magic is standing by my truth with love, compassion, respect and a healthy dose of No Effin Way am I tolerating that behavior!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Apr. 15, 2010
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    684

    Default

    Mine is from another country as well. El Salvador, land of the crazy people. (my apologies to any El Salvadorians) Sometimes he goes off on a tangent. Getting into it or telling him he's 'wrong' just makes it worse. So, figuratively speaking, I just round pen him until he wears himself out. There are actually a lot of horse training techniques that work on men. hehehe

    He actually said to me once, good thing I'm not a horse, those training stuff would never work on me! Of course, dear, was my answer, while I stifled a giggle.

    Also second giving him food and/or sex.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    May. 22, 2005
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    855

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    [QUOTE=pal-o-mino;6953013]Mine is from another country as well. El Salvador, land of the crazy people. (my apologies to any El Salvadorians) Sometimes he goes off on a tangent. Getting into it or telling him he's 'wrong' just makes it worse. So, figuratively speaking, I just round pen him until he wears himself out. There are actually a lot of horse training techniques that work on men. hehehe

    LOL! This is so funny. Round pen him. Yes. OMG made my day. Thanks so much!

    Tears running down my face.Big time laughing!



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