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  1. #61
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    Ugh. I don't envy your position in any way shape or form--it sucks. Truly loving somebody that has one large, outstanding "deal breaker" is nothing short of agonizing. And this--his family's involvement in what is, as others have noted, illegal activity that likely has ties to far more nefarious things--is a giant red flag deal breaker, no matter how great he is.

    There are two ways to deal with this--the first is the least complicated but obviously most difficult: you leave. Make a clean break and hope that meet someone who doesn't come with illegal strings attached.

    The second is to be lay it all bare to him--that what his family does is illegal and therefore, wrong (does he even acknowledge it?), and potentially dangerous to you should you start a life together, and your future children. Others on this thread have outlined what sort of consequences you could very well face. If he's really serious about you (or anyone, really) and truly has no interest in being at all involved or benefiting from what his family does, he will go through whatever steps are necessary to completely divest himself of all connections with their "line of work."

    If he thinks you're overreacting then....see option 1.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  2. #62
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    Dec. 14, 2006
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    224

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    I've been viewing this thread but haven't had time to post. I appreciate everybody's input/opinions. I'm pretty shocked that some didn't think that I should have told my mom. Really? I am not asking her permission to date him as someone suggested. I have a normal relationship with my mother so when I found out about the business I thought it was information she should know.

    I'm in no hurry to get hitched or start having babies (my clock isnt ticking) just finally accepting the idea I could possibly want this in the future. The last man I dated a few years back who was perfect on paper ending up blindsiding me and doing something's you guys would not believe! I'm proceeding with caution this time around.

    As far as limiting the job prospects, I already have a government job so won't be applying for on anytime soon. He has his CDL liscense & his job requires him to carry a county ID badge that involved a full background check to acquire. The family business so far has not hindered him from getting those things.

    The points brought up in this thread are food for thought for sure.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  3. #63
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    Jun. 25, 2004
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    Carolinas
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    Quote Originally Posted by steelerino View Post
    I've been viewing this thread but haven't had time to post. I appreciate everybody's input/opinions. I'm pretty shocked that some didn't think that I should have told my mom. Really? I am not asking her permission to date him as someone suggested. I have a normal relationship with my mother so when I found out about the business I thought it was information she should know.

    I'm in no hurry to get hitched or start having babies (my clock isnt ticking) just finally accepting the idea I could possibly want this in the future. The last man I dated a few years back who was perfect on paper ending up blindsiding me and doing something's you guys would not believe! I'm proceeding with caution this time around.

    As far as limiting the job prospects, I already have a government job so won't be applying for on anytime soon. He has his CDL liscense & his job requires him to carry a county ID badge that involved a full background check to acquire. The family business so far has not hindered him from getting those things.

    The points brought up in this thread are food for thought for sure.
    Something else to consider. You have 12 years invested in a government position. Each time you post for another position or if another department is interested in you joining that team your work and personal background will be reviewed again. As long as his family's business is off of the law enforcement radar, so to speak, you will be ok. Provided potential managers or teammates have no problem with your boyfriend's or husband's family business. Based on this thread alot of women, me included, do not condone the family business. Too many opportunities for abuse and exploitation of women plus the ancillary crimes. Are you really ready to be associated with such activity?
    Your current BF's license and ID would also be in danger should any thing go "wonky" at the family business. Of course he could have the license and ID because the family decided he would be the legit one. Just remembering Michael of The Godfather. He was not supposed to be involved in the family business. . . .

    He may be a great guy, but the family business is not so great.
    "Never do anything that you have to explain twice to the paramedics."
    Courtesy my cousin Tim


    2 members found this post helpful.

  4. #64
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    Dec. 31, 2000
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    El Paso, TX
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    Well, you could always anonymously turn the family in to police, and let them bust them, and when the business is shut down, go ahead and stay involved!!! Problem solved!


    8 members found this post helpful.

  5. #65
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    Oct. 25, 2012
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    If you enjoy being with the guy, keep him as a boyfriend but don't entangle yourself legally. Also, don't run it up the flagpole given your government job; that could be awkward if questions were asked. Aside from employment security concerns, however, your private life is your own business, and if you're old enough to be out of the house, you really don't need Mom's "permission," though I can see why you'd like her blessing.

    After all, it's not like the guy is slaughterin' hosses . . . !


    3 members found this post helpful.

  6. #66
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    Jan. 4, 2011
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    Quote Originally Posted by steelerino View Post
    Yes Lex it is the sleazy kind or she wouldn't have a problem. The business has been open since the 90's and has yet to be shut down so idk and i dont ask how they get around it. i know they are not " full service". She lives in Cali and I'm in florida so she hasn't had much time around him only 2 live interactions. I'm a only child, my mother and my aunt are my only family I speak to. He has a very large family who have been nothing but nice to me and have embraced me into the family. I'm not naive, been around enough questionable stuff in my lifetime and I don't feel uncomfortable with any aspect of it. But I swear sometimes I think my mom believes I would quit my county job of 12yrs to go work there or something! It's crazy.
    As a county employee in Florida too, I just want to offer you a bit of caution. Don't forget that in Florida many public employees (regardless of job) have a "morals" clause in their / our contracts. This doesn't just apply to us directly, but to our family members, spouses, etc. Please review your employment contract, and make sure you're careful about who knows what about your intended's family's career choices


    11 members found this post helpful.

  7. #67
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    Oct. 1, 2003
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    Nonsuch House
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    Quote Originally Posted by fooler View Post
    Something else to consider. You have 12 years invested in a government position. Each time you post for another position or if another department is interested in you joining that team your work and personal background will be reviewed again. As long as his family's business is off of the law enforcement radar, so to speak, you will be ok. Provided potential managers or teammates have no problem with your boyfriend's or husband's family business. Based on this thread alot of women, me included, do not condone the family business. Too many opportunities for abuse and exploitation of women plus the ancillary crimes. Are you really ready to be associated with such activity?
    Your current BF's license and ID would also be in danger should any thing go "wonky" at the family business. Of course he could have the license and ID because the family decided he would be the legit one. Just remembering Michael of The Godfather. He was not supposed to be involved in the family business. . . .

    He may be a great guy, but the family business is not so great.
    Yes, this and I was thinking a bit higher than a CDL for the county. If you yourself aspire to change up in the government even if something does not go "wonky" and you are married, the feds will find the family business. As the previous poster stated "provided potential managers or teammates have no problem. . . it's a slippery slope, some consider it an outlet for human trafficking.

    Your previous post sounded a bit defensive, sorry you're going through this, I think I speak for everyone, we are looking out for your best interest and I wish you the best.
    RIP Kelly 1977-2007 "Wither thou goest, so shall I"

    "To tilt when you should withdraw is Knightly too."


    6 members found this post helpful.

  8. #68
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    Jan. 4, 2011
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eventer55 View Post
    Yes, this and I was thinking a bit higher than a CDL for the county. If you yourself aspire to change up in the government even if something does not go "wonky" and you are married, the feds will find the family business. As the previous poster stated "provided potential managers or teammates have no problem. . . it's a slippery slope, some consider it an outlet for human trafficking.

    Your previous post sounded a bit defensive, sorry you're going through this, I think I speak for everyone, we are looking out for your best interest and I wish you the best.
    This. And, if you or someone in your family gets or holds a federal position with clearance you and your spouse will undergo a background check. Heck, I'm in my 30s, and the Feds do a background check on me and my mother every few years because of my father's level of employment -- and I haven't lived at home since I was 21. I'm very, very careful that what I do and who I choose to associate with won't impact or imperil my dad's job or his life. There's always the future to consider.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  9. #69
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    Jul. 13, 2008
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    Quote Originally Posted by jetsmom View Post
    Well, you could always anonymously turn the family in to police, and let them bust them, and when the business is shut down, go ahead and stay involved!!! Problem solved!
    Until the bf and his family figures out who squealed! Oh, the soap opera possibilities.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  10. #70
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    Oct. 25, 2012
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    Quote Originally Posted by DancingFoalFarms View Post
    As a county employee in Florida too, I just want to offer you a bit of caution. Don't forget that in Florida many public employees (regardless of job) have a "morals" clause in their / our contracts. This doesn't just apply to us directly, but to our family members, spouses, etc. Please review your employment contract, and make sure you're careful about who knows what about your intended's family's career choices
    "MORALS" clause? Whoa, that sounds scary; not to mention archaic. We had that around here circa 1685! Who decides WHOSE "morals" hold sway? What kinds of violations disqualify you from your job? Premarital sex, gay, reading "50 Shades," smokin' cussin' & drinkin'? YIKES!


    4 members found this post helpful.

  11. #71
    Join Date
    Dec. 29, 1999
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    Harrisburg, PA USA
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    You have a Government job?! Helloooo? Do you realize that you are just about guaranteed to lose that job because of your husband's business?

    You say he doesn't work there, but you didn't say he doesn't derive income from it. Big difference. Just the fact that you always call it "the family business" means he's part of it. Seems people just assumed he's not because you said he doesn't work there. Business owners of a chain (you did use the plural "parlors") usually don't work in the actual shops.

    As to your kids won't know...OP, you are truly divorced from reality. As if other parents aren't going to tell their kids who will of course tell yours.

    vacation1 had the truest response: "Your mom thinks her daughter is too good to get involved with a guy whose family is in an illegal business involving prostitution. That's not so much a problem as a sign she's normal and sane."

    Stop calling it "unconventional." Call it what it is. Your bf runs brothels. How any woman can support the sexual exploitation of other women is beyond me, let alone live off the profits of low-paid women who earn a living by prostitution. There's a name for what you will be then, and "unconventional" isn't it.


    19 members found this post helpful.

  12. #72
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    Dec. 29, 1999
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    Harrisburg, PA USA
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady Eboshi View Post
    "MORALS" clause? Whoa, that sounds scary; not to mention archaic. We had that around here circa 1685!
    You're either very young or very naive or both. It's quite common. As for what constitutes "morals," well, illegal activity for one thing, and once the OP marries into the family that runs illegal prostitution businesses, she'll lose her job.

    Sample moral clauses are usually phrased something like you shall not commit any act or do anything which might tend to bring yourself into public disrepute, contempt, scandal, or ridicule, or which might tend to reflect unfavorably on your employer, or say that you shall at all times conduct yourself in accordance with the highest standards of morality, honesty, and will not do anything which shall be detrimental to the company.

    IOW, businesses don't want to be embarrassed. When their employee is all over the news because "the family business" has just been busted for prostitution they're gonna be embarrassed.

    Also found it disingenuous for OP to say they've never been in legal trouble and "I don't know why they've never been caught." Protection money, bribes, etc. Any family that runs whores is not going to quibble about other illegal activities.


    9 members found this post helpful.

  13. #73
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    Jan. 4, 2011
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    Anne FS is absolutely correct regarding the nature of the clause(s). Some employers get more specific (sort of like the USEF banned drugs list) -- for example, in addition to the morals clause, I cannot identify myself as an employee of my specific university and then discuss my personal religious or political affiliations or leanings. If I do, I can be fired. Period. On the other hand, my cousin is a State's Attorney, and his contract has a vague (and thus far-reaching) morals clause that also indicates he "serves at the pleasure of Governor X".


    4 members found this post helpful.

  14. #74
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    Dec. 29, 1999
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    Harrisburg, PA USA
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    For the rest of us in non-govt and/or non-union jobs, most of us in the USA are employees "at will," which simply means we can be let go at any time for no reason. So if your employer is uncomfortable with hubby's prostitution business even if OP has done nothing wrong and "doesn't hang out there," they can just let her go without giving any reason at all.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  15. #75
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    Nov. 22, 2003
    Location
    Virginia
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    I actually worked in one of those, when I was DESPERATE for returning-to-college money. I'min that part of the baby boom where there are more than enough people already born to fill jobs, but not enough yet to grow the economy enough to accommodate more employees. Had HARD TIMES, economically, through MUCH of my early, job-seeking, years.

    It's a sleazy, illegal business. NOTHING to be associated with in any way, shape, or form. Mom is right.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  16. #76
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    Nov. 7, 2002
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    Central FL
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady Eboshi View Post
    "MORALS" clause? Whoa, that sounds scary; not to mention archaic. We had that around here circa 1685! Who decides WHOSE "morals" hold sway? What kinds of violations disqualify you from your job? Premarital sex, gay, reading "50 Shades," smokin' cussin' & drinkin'? YIKES!
    Welcome to Florida. Quite a shock to me coming from California, but massage therapists in Florida have to do a WHOLE lot more to get licensed than they do to be certified in California (who leaves licensing up to local/county/etc communities). (Don't get me started on the billboards about the truth, and when a baby's heart starts to beat.)

    I'm just sitting here flashing on the Romeo and Juliet treatment of Kono and her BF (whose father was a big wig in organized crime and Kono struggled constantly with trusting him ... but since they're both hot and this is Hawaii 5-0 ...). They had to leave the country because someone else in the family had enemies and that made the "legit" kid a target.

    I know that's the entertainment industry, but these people could be associated with folks who poach rhinos or elephants.

    Would the family make their business legitimate for the sake of their son's future?
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  17. #77
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    Aug. 1, 2004
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    Golden State
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    So who foolishly told your Mom that he was even related to that business?
    I can see why she is concerned and even though he isn't involved.. things that happen with his family will ultimately affect Your family. Is this something he will inherit some day ? If his parents end up in jail will they be getting financial support from him for their defense? Will somebody's annoyed psycho wife do something to hurt you or SO some day because are psycho and have no way to know he isn't involved in the business? How are you going to feel when some snarky grammer school kid shares this info to your child and the rest of the school/neighborhood ? Yeah, I wouldn't be too thrilled if my daughter brought this guy home either. Even tho he is an innocent bystander, probably.
    I can explain it TO you,but I can't understand it FOR you



  18. #78
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    Jun. 24, 2005
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    Alabama
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    As eventer and dancing foal said, federal employment in many cases is based on security clearances, and financial disclosures of the person, and any business they or the spouse derive income from. Annually I have to take a "Human Trafficking Awareness" training course, and trust me, if I was even remotely tied to a bunch of massage parlors, or strip clubs or other businesses like this, my clearance and job would be history.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    5 members found this post helpful.

  19. #79
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    May. 4, 2003
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    Canada
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    This is quite the read...but all comments point in the same direction, whether they verge on the paranoid or simply sensible. In the US it is very different.
    I think I'd seek further advice, not on COTH.

    Keep your finances, house, possessions separate from his...legally.

    What is the difference between 'not full service' and 'yes, it is the sleazy kind'?
    That has me confused.

    BTW I definitely would have told my Mum - how can anybody be a family member and not be told of what all the relatives do? Can you imagine the family summer bbq? These things cannot be kept separate and kids would find out eventually.

    Any chance of them retiring? Do you have to be in the same State or even town?
    Proud member of People Who Hate to Kill Wildlife clique



  20. #80
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    Oct. 22, 2003
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    I would never marry or date anyone who made their money illegally.

    OP, I get the impression from your post you've convinced yourself it's okay and since in the past 20 years there hasn't been a problem, that there won't continue to be a problem.

    You're pretty deluded.

    Let me preface this by saying I really don't care about the sex angle. Do. Not. Care. Let's say instead of massage parlors, your man runs a business that helps people steal cable or he's a massive torrent seeder of obscure italian cartoons from the 50s. I still would not bite.

    Because all the problems that would come with it also become your problems. Just think about all the fall out for you if your man's business associations come to light. Would your job be at risk? Would your future hiring potential be at risk? Is there the possibility that you could be charged as an accomplice? What if there is a really seedy side to this that you don't know about (trafficking, pimping, underage girls) but once you're "in the family" you suddenly are in WAY too deep?

    This guy keeps sketchy company and it's close to home and it could have pretty f'ing serious consequences for you. Because this paticular business deals with sex, you're in a whole sketchy area of the law and enforcement and social context to add more complexity to the problem.

    Think about all the bad things that COULD happen if they got "caught". Do you want to be part of those bad things?
    "The nice thing about memories is the good ones are stronger and linger longer than the bad and we sure have some incredibly good memories." - EverythingButWings


    6 members found this post helpful.

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