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  1. #41
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    Sep. 11, 2011
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    Yuck... defend all you want but no way would I be in your shoes! You do marry the family with the guy. I'd worry about going down with the canoe... err ship if something bad went down. I think the business very smarmy and gross personally.
    So I think concern is very warranted. Moms usually know a lot more then we give then credit for....


    10 members found this post helpful.

  2. #42
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    Jun. 15, 2010
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    ^ ditto


    3 members found this post helpful.

  3. #43
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    Oct. 14, 2010
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    Sorry you are in this situation. I have lived through relatives who were less than stellar -- but at a great enough distance that I don't live through it too personally. What I do know -

    1. Secrets. You cannot expect to keep this secret from your kids. They might find out via a friend who knows about this and tells them. That is the most painful way to learn the truth - and its devastating since your own parents were not honest with you.

    2. It affects you and your life in so many ways. Do you lie to friends? On a day to day basis, keeping certain info hidden and not others is a hard, hard road to hoe. I don't wish it on anyone. It eats at you.

    3. You can't separate your sweetie no matter how much you want to from reality. I am sorry your SO has this in his circle, but it is not something you can just lalala through. It becomes a burden all through your journey together.

    4. Counseling and atty - those are great suggestions. Explore this with a good therapist and an atty. These professionals will give you an idea of the "cost" of this kind of complicated relationship.

    5. Your mom. Sigh. Boundaries are so important, but this really is a tough one. Your mom had her say - so she needs to respect your decision. If you are close to her, it will be a tough road. You will feel guilty either way - staying or going. If you make the decision - you live with the results, either way. Not easy.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  4. #44
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    Aug. 12, 2010
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    Westford, Massachusetts
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    Sorry, but as the parent of young adults, I'd have a problem if they got seriously involved with someone whose family ran an illegal business. Even if the SO is not involved, it could cause serious problems for you...employment, child custody, etc... You need to think far into the future, about things you'd rather not think about, to really assess the risk. Not a risk worth taking, IMO, there are plenty of nice guys out there who aren't dragging that burden around. I know it doesn't seem fair to the guy who is not involved in the business, but it's not your responsibility to make his life fair. You marry him, his family gets caught, your reputation (and worse, that of your potential children) will get dragged through the mud, whether you are involved or not.


    10 members found this post helpful.

  5. #45
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    Apr. 9, 2012
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    OP, your Mom may have reason to be concerned...

    Do you know (for sure) that this guy is not involved, financially or otherwise? I agree there are often ties to more-than-just-hand-canoeing-type organized crime syndicates. That's some scary shit. Really scary. As in ruin your life forever type scary.

    So if these are distant relatives and he's in a legitimate/legal profession and not at all, ever, in any way involved, then go ahead.

    If this were legal, I'd have no issue with it. My concern - and potentially your Mom's - is simply for your financial and physical safety.

    Please do your homework. Very diligently.
    Born under a rock and owned by beasts!


    4 members found this post helpful.

  6. #46
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    Feb. 25, 2011
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    So California
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    I think your mom is smart. Not only is the business illegal, but illegal prostitution is heavily aligned with other criminal activities, like money laundering, bribing public officials, drug trafficking, and the most disturbing activity, human trafficking. You will be exposed to this to some degree. You will find out things that you wish you didn't know. Are you prepared to look the other way if you find out the mother is employing a few girls who are underage? How about foreign women who are probably victims of human trafficking -- the polite term for slavery? What is your own moral and ethical stance? Will it be fine as long as his family is polite?

    It is all very nice and fine to support legalization of prostitution with happy thoughts of free markets and personal liberties. The reality is that your boyfriend's mother is involved in none of that. She's running an illegal business and has nothing to oblige her to have health checks, or practice in any particular way that might show care or compassion. Since she is obviously supportive of prostitution what would prevent her from asking you to work for her, to help her out in a bind? If you think, oh no, she would never do that, why not? This is one thing that your mother worries about.

    Obviously, if you are across the country, your current situation will limit contact with your boyfriend's family, but you don't know what the future holds, where you may move, where they may move, etc. I assume you are confident that your boyfriend will not want to start up the same business in Florida and I hope you are correct in that.

    Listen to your mother.


    12 members found this post helpful.

  7. #47
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    Jul. 19, 2007
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    Michigan
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    Yeah, if they're selling sex (even just paddling the canoe and thank you SO MUCH, COTH, for making me giggle every time I see a canoe, let alone a kayak) as PeteyPie says, it would not be at ALL unusual for there to be other illegal activities going on on the side. And who ARE these "masseuses?" I very much doubt the average sex worker is just a liberated woman looking to assert her sexuality. Illegal? Human trafficking? Underage (even without the owners' awareness that's on them, too)?

    And even if you think it's a perfectly fine, just "unconventional" as a business, unless they're in certain counties in Nevada it's ILLEGAL. And if you marry him and he's in any way in contact with his family this can come back to bite you hard. I JUST went through the process of getting a gaming license and even for my level (I'm not in a cash-contact position so I only need the lower level) I had to account for basically the entire last ten years of my life and provide multiple personal references, and if I had a spouse, I would have had to provide all their information, too. It's entirely possible if the spouse had immediate family involved in an illegal business they'd have denied my license (or if not for my level, I can almost guarantee I'd be denied the higher-level license that anyone in cash contact needs.)


    5 members found this post helpful.

  8. #48
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    Jul. 13, 2008
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    Quote Originally Posted by paulaedwina View Post
    I had a boyfriend who turned out to be a crackhead (aside: there should be a rule that if you're a drug addict you cannot also be hot).


    3 members found this post helpful.

  9. #49
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    Feb. 3, 2000
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    Quote Originally Posted by steelerino View Post
    I have discussed at length with him that if we have kids they will have no knowledge of "the business".
    I think you are naive if you think it will be possible to prevent them from knowing what business their grandparents are in.
    Janet

    chief feeder and mucker for Music, Spy, Belle and Tiara. Someone else is now feeding and mucking for Chief and Brain (both foxhunting now).


    6 members found this post helpful.

  10. #50
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    Mar. 26, 2011
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    The OP fails to distinguish between fiction and reality.

    Red Widow is AWESOME, Jax Teller floats my canoe, and every time someone refers to Jason Morgan as Sonny Corinthos' mob enforcer I get the shivers.

    But in the REAL world you wouldn't want any part of that stuff.

    Paula
    He is total garbage! Quick! Hide him on my trailer (Petstorejunkie).


    1 members found this post helpful.

  11. #51
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    May. 4, 2008
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    Virginia
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    Cloudyandcallie, I agree with you completely about legalize/health test/license and get out of the way. I think that industry is never going away, so we might as well accept it. But in our current day and age, it is not legal or accepted at he moment. So OP is dealing with the real society we live in, not what SHOULD be. That means the business her SO is involved (through family) exposes her to a deal of risk. She needs to realize that and accept that it's not a great idea to be involved with a guy like that.
    Sorry to see xtranormal is gone
    For funnies, search youtube for horseyninjawarrior!

    Www.caringbridge.org/visit/mysecretgarden


    5 members found this post helpful.

  12. #52
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    Oct. 5, 2007
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    My question is why did you tell her?

    At 32 its your life. I would tell her to get over it or I would not be calling home.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  13. #53
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    Oct. 1, 2003
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    Quote Originally Posted by Janet View Post
    I think you are naive if you think it will be possible to prevent them from knowing what business their grandparents are in.
    You wouldn't believe what my best friend found out about her family on Ancestry.com and I'm not kidding. Nothing is "secret" anymore and I would run. . .

    Being married to someone who works for D.O.D. I know that you will never get a job with the government (if you marry him) and if you got offered a job, even as a civilian contractor, you would not get it. You are IMHO leaving yourself out for a lot of dead ends in the job market and possibly in your personal life too.

    And because you stated you wanted to have children, have you considered the consequences of their future? Suppose one of them goes to college and gets offered a really great job, it doesn't have to be in the government; after they (the company) do a full investigation his or her family will be in question and guess what? No job.
    Last edited by Eventer55; Apr. 22, 2013 at 10:54 AM. Reason: consequences. . .
    RIP Kelly 1977-2007 "Wither thou goest, so shall I"

    "To tilt when you should withdraw is Knightly too."


    10 members found this post helpful.

  14. #54
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    Jul. 20, 1999
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    CA
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    Why do you call it unconventional instead of illegal?


    13 members found this post helpful.

  15. #55
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    Mar. 9, 2006
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    I think your Mom is right to be concerned. You are treading on very dangerous ground. It would be one thing if they lived in another state and your SO's only interaction with them was Xmas newsletters. The fact that you live in the same area, and you socialize with them, is a potential problem. As the saying goes, when you lie down with dogs you get up with fleas.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  16. #56
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    Sep. 2, 2005
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    Upstate NY
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    I think there are two different topics here. First one being why in the world would an adult tell their mother everything. Does any man you date realize that his whole life, every detail of it, is going to be regurgitated to your mother?

    Second topic is that your BF's family has an illegal business.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  17. #57
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    Oct. 1, 2003
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    Default Consequences for children

    "I'm 32yrs old would like to marry this guy and possibly have children (something that I never thought I'd want to do) but fear she won't ever be totally happy for me."


    Please read my previous post for the edit part or rather the added part.
    RIP Kelly 1977-2007 "Wither thou goest, so shall I"

    "To tilt when you should withdraw is Knightly too."



  18. #58
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    Jul. 19, 2007
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    Michigan
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    Quote Originally Posted by trubandloki View Post
    I think there are two different topics here. First one being why in the world would an adult tell their mother everything. Does any man you date realize that his whole life, every detail of it, is going to be regurgitated to your mother?
    So she's seriously considering marrying this guy and reproducing with him, but she should lie by omission to her mother and just hope that the two sides of the family never meet or talk in any detail, even once grandchildren are involved because "grown ups" don't tell their parents that their spouse's family is running a criminal operation?

    Telling mother every detail of a guy she went out with once might be oversharing (or might not--some people have good relationships with their mothers), telling her about the family of someone she is seriously considering marrying seems pretty normal. Especially if the nature of their "business" is in any way making her wonder.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  19. #59
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    Mar. 26, 2011
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    Pennsylvania
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    Of course she's going to talk to her mother about the man she plans on marrying. It isn't about age, it's about a relationship with someone who has experience you might benefit by. I'm 44 and still talk to my dad about decisions. I'm not asking him permission, but I respect his experience. So I don't see an issue at all with the OP talking to her mom about this.

    Paula
    He is total garbage! Quick! Hide him on my trailer (Petstorejunkie).


    6 members found this post helpful.

  20. #60
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    Aug. 6, 2002
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    NJ, USA
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    I agree prostitution should be legalized & taxed & regulated. In that world, no problem with the OP's SO's family business.

    But that isn't the reality we live in. Right now it is illegal. As others have said, most likely other illegal activities are going on as well (once you cross that line...)

    Date him, fine - but no rational woman would marry him or tangle finances with his, and sure as heck wouldn't have kids with him! IMHO your mom is just stating the obvious.

    To me sort of like smoking pot - I see no reason why it shouldn't be legal, and if it were, I'd likely be a regular customer. But it is illegal, so no I'm not going to risk my home, career & future by having a joint in my car, and I'm sure as hell not going to get involved with someone even remotely tied to the business!


    9 members found this post helpful.

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