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  1. #41
    Join Date
    Jun. 25, 2004
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    Carolinas
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    OP-just a few thoughts. One you are wonderful to be so aware and have such concern for your DD especially facing all that you are. It isn't easy as my parents had so much going on with my 4 older siblings and 2 grands. Some connection as my oldest nephew passed away from an adult form of leukemia at age 4, I was barely 14 at the time. To say our home was in an uproar is an understatement. I wish to share some things I learned along the way, some from mentors, others OJT so to speak.
    1) You can't and won't control or change others.
    2) You can and should control yourself.
    3) It is your dreams to dream and your life to live
    4) Move away from those who wish to control you. If you are unable to do so, devise ways that are best for you to deflect their negativity
    5) Make a list of and say it out loud those things you wish to do.
    6) Chart a path to complete that list, knowing it will change
    7) Do not now or ever in the future let others' actions cause you to put away your dreams
    8) This barn brat is just the first of many negative people she will have to deal with in her life. Learn to reactive positively if all possible, neutral when necessary and understand a negative response will held against her. Not fair, but people seldom remember the actions or words that lead to the sharp words or the blow, but they will always remember your response.
    9) She should always value herself, her work, her dreams, her successes. Don't let the negative people write the script in her head.
    10) Be kind to others, you never know the burden they carry.

    One final thought, for what it is worth. I lived in various US states and lived overseas for 6 months. The only place where I did not make quick and fast friends was in that one community. It took me too many years to figure out the problem was not with me rather it was them. It could be she needs to go to another barn where the adults, not the brats, rule.

    And get another application, fill it out and send it in. I hope she is accepted.
    "Never do anything that you have to explain twice to the paramedics."
    Courtesy my cousin Tim


    2 members found this post helpful.

  2. #42
    Join Date
    Sep. 5, 2005
    Location
    Mass.
    Posts
    6,609

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    I am really sorry. My DD went through a couple of crappy years where we could no longer afford to lease a pony, quit the barn entirely, mean girls at school, etc. All I can say is, let her NOT do things if she doesn't want to. She may just need a break to stay home for a couple of months, watch videos, and eat ice cream. I don't know where you are, but Boston is a great city with a lot to do and lots of colleges. Maybe she's be interested in visiting some of our schools? If your circumstances allow you to come for a visit, I'd be happy to share my home for a couple of days, and even take her out to my barn if she'd like. The Boston College equestrian team rides out of my barn and our coach is amazing.

    Good luck. Teenage girls are HARD. I have both a son and daughter, and wow, was DD SO much more difficult than DS.
    I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. ~ Dave Barry


    1 members found this post helpful.

  3. #43
    Join Date
    May. 4, 2008
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    Virginia
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    Thanks guys. She seems happier tonight, so she's hanging in there. I just HATE this crap with high school mean girls and watching her go through so much that isn't her FAULT. It's mine. I wish she was a cuddler - it would be easier if I could love on her and such but she doesn't want that from me. So instead I filled her with ice cream tonight. It's all I can do, but it did make her smile.
    I appreciate the good vibes and jingles sent her way. I think the energy counts, you know?
    Sorry to see xtranormal is gone
    For funnies, search youtube for horseyninjawarrior!

    Www.caringbridge.org/visit/mysecretgarden


    3 members found this post helpful.

  4. #44
    Join Date
    Sep. 27, 2001
    Location
    Virginia
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    2,795

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    I would never wish being a teenage girl on anyone. Having been one, and then teaching them for 12 years, I can say they are a different species, especially in groups.

    Let her get it out of her system and when she is ready to let you in, be there for her. As many have mentioned, there are tons of different ways to be involved with horses, and a rescue or therapeutic center may be of interest after a while. Actually a rescue might give her an outlet for her emotions - she can easily relate with horses that have been through tough times and need someone with lots of love to give.

    As for the other girls, karma will get them eventually. The more distance she can get from them at this point the better. You can tell her all you want that things will get better, and they are just mean girls and to stay away from them, and they are just jealous of her abilities, but she won't believe it until she is ready to. Try to find some other activities to do with her, and keep encouraging her to open up even if she won't cuddle. Teenage girls need to talk - even if they won't admit it. Can she talk with her former trainer? Is there anyone else who she likes to confide in? Many of my students who grew apart from riding still call just to chat and fill me in on their lives and get advice. I love it - watching them grow and become incredible women is an amazing priviledge that I've been given.

    The school year is ending soon - is she a good student who could miss a day or two without a problem? Maybe a day trip to hike along the Blue Ridge Parkway or a visit to Washington would help her. I'm the kind of teacher who believes that everyone needs a day off now and then, and would always encourage my kids to get out class and clear their heads. Getting away from the other kids is a huge relief to some and just what they need to re-energize and face them again. (I will say the school administration didn't always agree with me...)

    I'm in south central VA - a few hours down 29 from Culpeper. If a day away at a different barn would help, I'm more than willing to have her come to work with me. I'm in a college situation and our kids leave this week, so we've got tons to do! Take care of yourself and let us know what we can do to help!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  5. #45
    Join Date
    Mar. 10, 2007
    Location
    PA
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    1,041

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    Wish you were closer, I would love to have her come & ride the trails with me on our field hunters! I think the idea of finding something different to do around horses is a good one. Sometimes a change of scenery is good for all of us.

    Teenage girls can be cruel, but I too think karma will get them. Until then, hugs to your DD. If you're ever in my neck of the woods the offer to ride will always be open!
    ~ A true friend knows all there is to know about you and still likes you. -E. Hubbard



  6. #46
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2006
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    1,911

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    Quote Originally Posted by alittlegray View Post
    Thanks guys. She seems happier tonight, so she's hanging in there. I just HATE this crap with high school mean girls and watching her go through so much that isn't her FAULT. It's mine. I wish she was a cuddler - it would be easier if I could love on her and such but she doesn't want that from me. So instead I filled her with ice cream tonight. It's all I can do, but it did make her smile.
    I appreciate the good vibes and jingles sent her way. I think the energy counts, you know?
    ALG... This isn't your fault. Life happens, you didn't one day decide you would be sick. I am sure it is hard not to feel bad, but this is totally beyond your control. Try hard not to beat yourself up about it.



  7. #47
    Join Date
    May. 4, 2008
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    Virginia
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    Well, I couldn't get her to the show this weekend but she DID do her application for WIHS Youth Ambassador, so keep your fingers crossed for her!! I'm very proud of her!
    Sorry to see xtranormal is gone
    For funnies, search youtube for horseyninjawarrior!

    Www.caringbridge.org/visit/mysecretgarden


    11 members found this post helpful.

  8. #48
    Join Date
    Mar. 22, 2005
    Location
    Where it is perpetually winter
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    OP, I don't know if this would work for your daughter or not, but I know when I was in high school, I corresponded a LOT with a fellow COTHer (Pony+ an inch), who is a few years older than I am. We hadn't met, but we exchanged e-mails and eventually got to the point of sending letters and little holiday presents and stuff (and at this point, I've met her pony, but sadly didn't cross paths with her at that time). I know it helped me a ton to talk to someone who had already gone through stuff...don't know if that would be the same for your daughter, but it's a suggestion.

    Feel free to PM me


    1 members found this post helpful.

  9. #49
    Join Date
    Nov. 13, 2005
    Location
    between the mountains and the sea, North Carolina
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    2,936

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    Karma always gets the bullies...I know it doesn't help what you are going through now, but it is so true. I have personal experience with this, and actually now feel awful for the girl who made my life living h*ll throughout all of middle school and some of high school. She did bring everything that happened on herself, but hearing it all through the grapevine has been terrible.

    Having said that, hang in there & hugs for your DD. I hope her application goes through! Its always rough having to give up a pony, but that doesn't mean she has to give up riding. Is there a local barn anywhere that will let her hack out their horses? I've found a great trainer here who I'm riding for. I wish I'd had someone like her in HS because it would have done wonders for my confidence levels. Hopefully she can find somewhere she can ride and excel and kick all those mean girls behinds!
    "Choose to chance the rapids, and dare to dance the tides" - Garth Brooks
    "With your permission, dear, I'll take my fences one at a time" - Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey



  10. #50
    Join Date
    Jul. 14, 2006
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    1,817

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    Quote Originally Posted by alittlegray View Post
    Well, I couldn't get her to the show this weekend but she DID do her application for WIHS Youth Ambassador, so keep your fingers crossed for her!! I'm very proud of her!
    Yay!!!!

    I am not familiar with the WIHS Youth Ambassador program so I looked it up online. What an amazing experience! I hope she gets in. When I was in high school, I actually did a similar sort of thing through 4H for the county fair (one of the largest agricultural events in the area, it lasted over a week). I learned so many leadership and communication skills, things that I still use as an adult. My sisters are in very different fields from me (one is a HS teacher, the other is climbing the corporate ladder in marketing), and they feel the same way.

    As an added bonus, I developed a personal belief that no one should complain about a horse show's judges, prizes, footing, schedule, rules, parking, food concessions etc until they've served on a committee and seen the months of work it takes to put a show together....and the external limitations and realities that can keep things from being ideal.

    Fingers crossed for your daughter,
    BES
    Proudly owned by 2 chestnut mares
    Crayola Posse: sea green
    Mighty Rehabbers Clique


    1 members found this post helpful.

  11. #51
    Join Date
    Aug. 19, 2009
    Posts
    409

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    Quote Originally Posted by alittlegray View Post
    We have had a couple very generous COTHers offer her saddle time several months ago, unfortunately I was too sick at the time to get her out there....
    That was me-- dang it-- I wish we could have gotten her over here. I've been down with the mysterious lung infection since November, and haven't ridden much at all. She could have ridden every day. Unfortunately, the horses are out of here 5/1, as we got orders to Ft. Benning, and I've leased two out for the year.

    Mean girls suck.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  12. #52
    Join Date
    Aug. 17, 2012
    Posts
    1,159

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    Jingles for your DD. Sounds awful.

    Could she maybe sign on with a barn for a working student position in the summer? YardandGroom sometimes has listings.



  13. #53
    Join Date
    May. 4, 2008
    Location
    Virginia
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    Quote Originally Posted by TimelyImpulse View Post
    That was me-- dang it-- I wish we could have gotten her over here. I've been down with the mysterious lung infection since November, and haven't ridden much at all. She could have ridden every day. Unfortunately, the horses are out of here 5/1, as we got orders to Ft. Benning, and I've leased two out for the year.

    Mean girls suck.
    Oh my gosh - I'm so sorry to hear you've been so sick!! I had no idea. Unfortunately I get a narrow focus sometimes. It was so awesome of you to offer her ride time, I wish I'd been able to bring her up at the time, but November through early March was the worst time for me. I will always be so grateful that you reached out and offered to let her ride, and for the hospital visit and magazines! I hope you get feeling better very, very soon and that your move to Ft. Benning goes smoothly!
    Sorry to see xtranormal is gone
    For funnies, search youtube for horseyninjawarrior!

    Www.caringbridge.org/visit/mysecretgarden



  14. #54
    Join Date
    Mar. 8, 2004
    Location
    Baltimore, MD
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    We can make it worth the trip if you send her this way, we have a whole barn filled with horses she can ride, not just Mark.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  15. #55
    Join Date
    Aug. 19, 2009
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    409

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    Quote Originally Posted by alittlegray View Post
    Oh my gosh - I'm so sorry to hear you've been so sick!! I had no idea. Unfortunately I get a narrow focus sometimes. It was so awesome of you to offer her ride time, I wish I'd been able to bring her up at the time, but November through early March was the worst time for me. I will always be so grateful that you reached out and offered to let her ride, and for the hospital visit and magazines! I hope you get feeling better very, very soon and that your move to Ft. Benning goes smoothly!
    Thanks, and now that I have a diagnosis, they can hopefully treat it more effectively.

    I so wish we could have worked it out for her-- I will keep thinking of ways to get her some ride time locally. Like I said before, we're so close, I'd be more than happy to pick her up/drop off if needed. And, if things go blooey with the leases, I may have horses back home through June, but I'm really hoping all goes well!

    Take care of yourself!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  16. #56
    Join Date
    Aug. 4, 2009
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    MD
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    4,073

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    Quote Originally Posted by Laurierace View Post
    Mean girls suck. You are undoubtedly handling this way better than I would have. Mark is always here for her. We can turn her into an eventer, much fewer means girls in our crowd the H/J crowd.
    You rock Laurie



  17. #57
    Join Date
    Jan. 5, 2010
    Location
    VA--> Washington (state)
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    346

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    Totally chiming in late here but first wanted to extend support to you & DD. second, wanted to share a story of a similar teenage incident where I made a rash decision that I still regret. Basically, mid-teen years, my parents sat me down, in the midst of a bankruptcy (which I didn't know about) said they couldn't afford horses anymore & I didn't have a trust fund. I was in boarding high school at the time and since boarders couldn't drive, I had zero way of riding except when I went home to va. They chose my education over horses saying that if I was educated, I could pay for my own horses at some point. Choosing to keep me in that school cost them their house, literally.
    i was so pissed & devastated that I told my parents to sell the horses, tack, books, clothes, everything. My parents had to sell the horses, but the other things they didnt need me to sell. I just shut down & only heard no more horses. I was bitter and thought I should just give them up.

    Looking back, i still regret my decision to sell everything (it went to the old habit (when it was good), wish i had kept my huge book collection and most importantly, wish i hadn't thrown in the towel (at least temporarily). It sounds like the nasty comments were your DD's tipping point so if there is any way, like her application that she can stay in it, I would urge her to do so. Indeed, it will likely add to her application if she can say she was bullied, her family didnt have the $ to keep her in the game and nevertheless, she wasn't giving up. It's seeing the forest for the trees.

    Fwiw, I rode sporadically the rest of high school & then picked it up more seriously both for fun & as an occupation in college and beyond. Keep us posted please.
    And the wise, Jack Daniels drinking, slow-truck-driving, veteran TB handler who took "no shit from no hoss Miss L, y'hear," said: "She aint wrapped too tight."



  18. #58
    Join Date
    May. 4, 2008
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    Virginia
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    Quote Originally Posted by Laurierace View Post
    We can make it worth the trip if you send her this way, we have a whole barn filled with horses she can ride, not just Mark.
    I'd love to come back up and hang with you Laurie, let me see what day I could sneak her away from school or find a weekend day that Chandler's not working so I don't have to be home to drop/pick him up and let's make it happen! Plus, I'd really love your daughter and my son to meet. But it can't tell him that he will be meeting your daughter or he won't come. He thinks every time I introduce him to someone I'm trying to force him into an arranged marriage. But he owns a tux now, so he makes a nice prom date! Lol.

    I actually would love to just take her trail riding right now, just her and I or the two of us and some friends out in the peaceful spring woods for a couple hours. Is there anywhere in the northern va area to rent trail horses? I've never looked so I don't even know what is out there. Even western saddles would be okay for some trail riding. We need some mom/daughter time.
    Sorry to see xtranormal is gone
    For funnies, search youtube for horseyninjawarrior!

    Www.caringbridge.org/visit/mysecretgarden



  19. #59
    Join Date
    May. 4, 2008
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    Virginia
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlueEyedSorrel View Post
    Yay!!!!

    I am not familiar with the WIHS Youth Ambassador program so I looked it up online. What an amazing experience! I hope she gets in. When I was in high school, I actually did a similar sort of thing through 4H for the county fair (one of the largest agricultural events in the area, it lasted over a week). I learned so many leadership and communication skills, things that I still use as an adult. My sisters are in very different fields from me (one is a HS teacher, the other is climbing the corporate ladder in marketing), and they feel the same way.

    As an added bonus, I developed a personal belief that no one should complain about a horse show's judges, prizes, footing, schedule, rules, parking, food concessions etc until they've served on a committee and seen the months of work it takes to put a show together....and the external limitations and realities that can keep things from being ideal.

    Fingers crossed for your daughter,
    BES
    Thanks for the crossed fingers! I am praying and praying that she gets the spot. I read her application, and she sounded so grown up, plus her ideas on outreach program (wounded warriors night) and ways to increase attendance at the shows were great! She said something about how Tom Sawyer got people to whitewash the fence for him, and pointed out that people will pay at Busch Gardens to get to go behind the scenes and see how the roller coasters are run. She postulated that people might pay for a "tour level" ticket that takes them behind the scenes at the show, or that they could raffle off or draw from sold tickets the chance to be an "assistant" to the judges, or to work with the course designer for EQ Finals and get to help choose decorations or even a jump.

    I thought her ideas were great! Especially the one about having a banquet and reception for wounded warriors, with free tickets and maybe a buffet meal as an outreach program. There was also something about pairing reality TV with the show in some sort of celebrity ride-off. I hope I'm not making it easy for someone to copy her ideas, but the deadline to apply was yesterday so I think I'm safe. She's got a great talent for brainstorming, and she loves working behind the scenes in production, for video and media tech at school, and for a friend who is making a web series on YouTube called Apolemigo that she has helped produce while her brother is one of the main characters in it. They also did a comedy called Designated Stalker that is really funny. The opportunity to work with the media and press room for the show would look GREAT on her college resume too! But mostly the chance to meet people she only reads about now, get to hand out ribbons and awards, and spend the week helping at the show would be over the top for her. When she was talking about helping at barn night and kids day with the little kids, she said "hmmm.....that only gives me one day to make them my little minions but we can make it work!". Lol. She wants to impart her passion for horses and riding to everyone she meets!
    Sorry to see xtranormal is gone
    For funnies, search youtube for horseyninjawarrior!

    Www.caringbridge.org/visit/mysecretgarden



  20. #60
    Join Date
    Feb. 24, 1999
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    MD
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    Quote Originally Posted by alittlegray View Post
    Well, I couldn't get her to the show this weekend but she DID do her application for WIHS Youth Ambassador, so keep your fingers crossed for her!! I'm very proud of her!
    Good for her. It's an awesome program. Fingers crossed for her.

    General hugs for your girl too. Being a teenager girl can suck a lot in general, especially when crap gets thrown your way. This probably doesn't help now but one good thing about horses is that they're a lifetime passion. It's going to be a long, long time befor she's too old to ride or too old to show. Sometimes the opportunities to do what you want aren't there, but if you dig around enough you can always find a horse to be around.



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