She's lost everything she loves over the last 18 months, and has been holding up really well until tonight. I guess a former friend was ripping on her at school today about her change in circumstances, and the fact that she doesn't have a horse anymore, only takes lower level lessons, etc. It really hurt her.
She was supposed to go to Culpeper tomorrow and help groom for a friend/hold a couple horses ringside just because it is a chance to love on some horses and hang with her old barn mates. Now she absolutely refuses to go (this girl will be there with her pack of suck ups trailing along), and doesn't even want to talk to me about it. She threw away her almost completed application for youth ambassador for WIHS, and said "I'm done."
Now, she is upstairs crying for the first time I know of through all of the hell of the last year+ and it is killing me that I can't comfort or help my child. I know this probably isn't the first time she's cried, but it is the first time she's cried that is around me, and I feel like she is just crushed. Defeated. How do I help her through this? She wasn't getting paid to help tomorrow, really it was more a friend being nice and letting DD come hang around and groom for her. So if she doesn't go she won't be missed. I don't want to coddle her, but I also feel like she's entitled to one emotional hissy fit, I guess.
I know she's raw right now because it would have been the start of show season for her had things not changed around here. I know this too shall pass. In the mean time if you all would send some positive vibes through the universe, jingle for her broken heart, pray for her, whatever you are willing to do would be great.
How very sad for her. It sounds like she's not shirking an obligation if she doesn't go; perhaps best to let her decide. She may just need some distance from it.
And certainly from the little brat who gave her a hard time. I guess we could hope that the brat's horse deposits her--gently, but unceremoniously--in a mud puddle in the middle of her most important class
Give DD a hug from me, but wait till she's ready to receive it.
"One person's cowboy is another person's blooming idiot" -- katarine
Big hugs and jingles for all of you. Is there anything us COTHers can do to help? I have horses she could ride, but I'm unfortunately in Florida. If you guys ever find yourselves in the Ocala area, my farm is always open!
Nine out of ten times, you'll get it wrong...but it's that tenth time that you get it right that makes all the difference.
Oh my goodness, I feel for your daughter. I can't tell from the post if her horse died / was put down, was injured, had to be retired, had to be sold due to financial reasons etc. Whatever the situation, she's clearly grieving. I think whatever she wants to do with regards to grooming at the show, being a WIHS ambassador, even taking a break from the horse world completely is OK. When the time is right, she'll come back to it on her own.
Mean girls suck. Some never grow out of it, just become mean women. Several years ago, my horse was on extended lay up / rehab for a fairly severe injury, with overall prognosis for soundness uncertain. I remember arriving to the barn on a nice sunny day with plans for an exciting afternoon of bandage changes and hand walking.....and the anger I felt when the resident barn b!tch (who knew full well that my horse was on stall rest with a bandage from hoof to knee ...obviously NOT rideable) asked if I was going to ride. And I was a grown adult woman long past high school, with the perspective to think, yeah whatever beeeyotch....not a teenager.
Proudly owned by 2 chestnut mares Crayola Posse: sea green
Mighty Rehabbers Clique
Jingles and gentle hugs for you and dd. I am so sorry for the added drama in your life. My dad suffers from pancreatitis as well and I can't imagine being a couple of decades younger and watching him go through it.
Hugs for your DD. HS girls can be so nasty and there are situations where you just can't get away from them. I spent 6 years dealing with "our" Jr High & HS b**** and her merry band of suck ups at school and church. It got old.
Encourage DD to live her life, complete the WIHS app and know many are wishing her only the best.
As to the barn-brat, remind your DD the best revenge is living well.
"Never do anything that you have to explain twice to the paramedics."
Courtesy my cousin Tim
I don't have kids, but I sure was bullied as a kid. Relentlessly. I avoided a lot of situations because the kids were horrible and generally adults didn't intervene.
I learned 2 things:
1) Mean people will ruin and dictate your life if you let them. They will rob all the joy from your life. They will suck all the heart and life out of you. They WANT you to suffer. They want to drag you down so they can stand on you. They want you to hurt. They want to take the good things in your life from you.
What you have to decide is are you going to let them? Is she willing to let these mean-spirited people take what she enjoys from her? And no, that's not a set of rhetorical questions. It's an honest one (see point #2)
2) #1 is about picking your battles. Sometimes it's not worth it, and it's better to fall back and regroup. So there's really no shame in saying "You know what, this isn't a fight I want to have right now. They can win this one."- I think the important thing is acknowledging that that's what you chose to happen. Because in making that choice you've taken back some of the power. They won't know that and they'll think they "won", but I always found some resolve in being able to tell myself *I* was the one who actually decided I didn't want to fight.
Honestly, learning how to back away from a conflict is an important skill. And learning how to accept that emotionally, yeah, sure, you got shoved towards the exit but you walked through the door before you got punted out.
Frankly, I never got any comfort out of my parents promising me "one day it will be better. One day this will be over."
"The nice thing about memories is the good ones are stronger and linger longer than the bad and we sure have some incredibly good memories." - EverythingButWings
Awww, I'm sorry that your DD is experiencing so much pain. I will certainly send positive vibes her way. If/when she's ready, there are lots of stories of kids with limited means but lots of drive who got to the top of their sport or career. Courtney King Dye immediately comes to mind but I'm sure there are many in her favorite horse or academic or creative discipline. Life happens, and I know it sucks when you are a high schooler.
Oh honey. I'm so sorry. Such tough stuff. I believe that she's most likely more worried about you much more than any loss of horses, shows etc, and kids can be so cruel that she probably just doesn't know how to balance her feelings of worry, wanting to ass kick the little turd who said what they said, and yes, probably some feelings of loss.
I so wish I still had a program and that I were local to you. I'd give her my best rides and horse time in a heartbeat. Mainly because from the stories I've read here lead me to believe she's a great kid. And honestly, if she's yours, she has to be.
Ugh. She's too young to really learn about Karma. But as a Mom with a hurt girl, know it'll do it's thing.
Sending hugs for both you and your girl...I also suffered at the hands of cruel kids as a child....hs got better, but I was usually living on the fringes. I am a HS teacher now, and I accidentally found out that I have earned the reputation of being extremely intolerant of kids picking on their peers .
Is there something special that you and DD could do as an outing just to give her a change of scenery? Just something quiet and simple - even going for ice cream, picking out a new colour of nail polish, anything to give her some breathing space?
Take care of yourself also.
I don't have any wise comments to add (littleum has done a wonderful job there), but I wanted to add my words, just in comfort, and to tell you that I would be thinking of her.
Would it help if she had a horse she could ride? I'm not in Virginia, and my old girl would probably not be much fun for her anyways, but there are a lot of Virginians on this forum and I bet we could find a horse for her, nearby and free, if we put our minds and hearts together.
Thank you all for the kind thoughts. She still doesn't want to go today, so we are going to just try and have fun at home. I don't blame her, honestly. And yes, it would be nice to hear through the vine that the little $#(*@#* that treated her this way got dumped in a nice mud puddle. I know things will get better for her through the summer, there's no where to go but up from the bottom, right?
fwiw I was bullied for almost the entire twelve years of my school career.
and I have a fabulous life with many dear friends. those mean girls are still mean and in my head I win cause i'm the happiest person I know!
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) to you and her, watching your kid's heart break is a very specific kind of hell.
So sorry for your DD, and sending hugs and jingles her way (and yours). Finally twenty years on the other side of high school, and I still remember how badly I was bullied. It isn't easy, and she knows the best thing for her right now is to lay low and take some time for herself.
Littleum said it best. And when you're in high school, you don't really know it'll get better some day. It's just words adults say. Just remind her that these bullies are petty, they are insecure, and the only way they can feel better about themselves is to try and drag everyone else down to their level and make them even more miserable than they (the bullies) are.
If I lived closer, she could come be with my eight horses all she wanted, w/o pressure. Hopefully someone here can find a way for your daughter to ride, away from the drama and bullies.
Just a thought, but do you have a good, reputable horse rescue nearby? If your DD had a chance to really make a difference for some horses in crisis, it might do a world of good for her self-esteem. Work like this really reinforces what is most important in life, how lucky they really are, and how useless and unworthy of thought that mean, stupid people are. It might help her just as much or more than the horses she would undoubtedly help a great deal.
It would also be a chance to send some horse time sans the social, competitive, peer pressure environment that seems to pervade most teen oriented show barns (it just comes with that territory). In sort - time with horses would probably help a great deal if she didn't have to deal with the people part of it. Remember how good it felt for you to help the old chestnut mare? (Thanks for that btw)
Good luck to both of you!
The above post is an opinion, just an opinion. If it were a real live fact it would include supporting links to websites full of people who already agreed with me.