IMO, if he's a guy, you're both single, he wants to be your friend and spends time with you, there's a 98% chance he wants to get in your pants. He's just too chicken to make the first move. Go for it-- you could always do the friends with benefits thing, you don't have to get married!
This^^^, and my husband will testify. lol. I say go for it. You already like him and he likes you. What more can anyone ask? I'm not convinced it's just lust. There is something deeper there. I think you are just scared.
We are both single. He is not gay.
He is a couple years younger than me.
I do not consider myself to be sexy "appearance-wise" -- know I am in other ways because i have been told so. Just too long ago.
And yes, I am definitely scared. Terrified. Not of him, not of myself, just of his finding out--with whatever results.
I am in a completely different situation with a similar outcome....we have to be "just friends" due to life, the universe, and everything (for now). I was DRIVING MYSELF COMPLETELY NUTS. And, my mom, the wonderful person she is, finally said exactly what I needed to here. "Just breathe." Basically, I needed to take a deep breath, understand that the situation was not right for now, and relax. I have been a lot calmer the last few weeks because of it.
You can tell him if you want. But if neither one of you really can put the effort into any sort of thing beyond "just friends" (and sometimes, that's really all there is to it, no matter now much we wish it weren't so), you may be better off "just breathing and trying hard to enjoy the relationship that you DO have. Try not curb your normal behaviors. Be you. Be his friend, and enjoy him and the relationship you have. One day, things may change and you CAN pursue more. Or, things may change and you'll cool off.
Oh goodness....this sounds like my current situation. Tell you what I did: I told him. Not hinting, not avoiding, not hoping, not pushing. Just told him. Let me tell you, not easy. Felt like I was back in middleschool. But it helped BIG time. He knew how I felt, and I knew that he knew. So no need to hind or pretend or any of that foolishness. At best he will feel the same, at worse he will be flattered (all men are lol). My situaiton seems similar to yours, as neither one of us are ready for a relationaship, so at first avoided the situation. But I would not give up this friendship for anything and was not about to let my feeling make things weird.
So telling him helped the friendship and you two are still friends?
So telling him helped the friendship and you two are still friends?
Yes it did. We were super close before, we are closer now. I feel less awkward and just own my feelings. We both have issues that make a true “relationship” more then either of us could handle now (im a recent divorcee and he is a widower). We have reached a level of friendship that we talk everyday and do pretty much everything together. We are each others sounding board and support. Honestly (and as sad as it sounds), this non-relationship is probably the best and healthiest that I have had and if it never evolves past this point I am ok with that.
With that said, once you tell him, you can not take it back. It’s out there. So you have to be prepared for whatever the outcome. If you are not prepared, then I second the other posters advise of "just breathe".
I say don't tell him, continue on, and enjoy. Having a crush is not a bad thing, I bet you're taking extra care with your appearance, maybe eating better, maybe being extra friendly to those around you, etc etc. In other words, this crush is making you feel more alive, if that makes sense? Just be sure to not allow your feelings towards him to consume you, to take up all of your time with the what if's, because you could make some bad choices if that happens.
"My doctrine is this, that if we see cruelty or wrong that we have the power to stop, and do nothing, we make ourselves sharers in the guilt.”
― Anna Sewell
Take up running. You will be too tired to be that hormonal about some guy.
Or, figure out what's really going on, and what you're really missing in life, if anything, and address that.
Or, accept this crush as something that came along, will be with you for awhile, and then will float away, as is normal for many things. Like allergies in the summer or eggnog in the winter -- they're around for awhile, and then they move on when the season changes. :-) .
I personally don't recommend telling your average adult male whom you have already been spending alot of time with that you have a crush on him; my experience is that if a guy is interested, he will make it known. If you pursue him, chances are he'll go along for the ride for awhile, but isn't really interested. (JMHO, and I'm old, so, maybe things are different among the younger generations.)
A good friend is worth more than a booty call. I had a good friend at work, we went to coffee once or twice a day, had traveled together and stayed friends though we both changed positions within the company several times. Things occasionally got a little flirty but nothing either of us felt we needed to act on. When he passed away a couple years ago I was devastated. I told my husband that my friend was like Facebook, we discussed all the things so many post.
I'd recommend trying to find romance elsewhere. You never know but being with someone else may help clarify feelings for both of you.
Wow, I am so glad to find a new reply to this thread! As soon as I saw that Off Topic Day was back, I came here to thank everyone who has replied.
I haven't gotten to see a lot of my friend recently. He has moved to a new home nearer to his job but farther away from me, and between the move and work I have seen him only once since my last post.
We have talked on the phone a lot. He has called me "just to see how I am" and to give me updates (work and new home). Last night he called me after he was in bed just to touch base and said he didn't like living so far away from me (it's not HOURS, but it's not just down the street, either).
For all of you who suggested making my feelings known, or not making them known ...
The last time we got together it was a family gathering (his family); I actually arrived before he did (delay at work) and had been greeted with hugs, kisses, etc., from his family. So, when he showed up, since of course it would look odd to hug them and not him, I got up and gave him a big hug. After supper his mother sent me out of the kitchen to sit and visit with him, and he and I talked a lot. No sparks, no electrical thunderbolts shooting through me, and I was able to look him in the eye as I listened to him instead of being afraid he would see all sorts of other things in my eyes. Later still, when he drove me home, he helped me carry some stuff in from the car and when he had put the stuff down he stopped and stood in the middle of the room and put his arms out for a hug. So of course I gave him one. Plus a very chaste kiss on the cheek.
After that is when he really started calling me "just to see how I am," etc.
So, I took both kinds of advice--I did let him know how I feel in a way but I did not tell him in words.
Long weekend coming up ... hope we will be able to get together at some point ... he has talked about it so we shall see ...
Thank you again, everyone, for your feedback. Advice and feedback always welcome!
Golly, ako, your reply gave me such a rush I am going to have to go drink some ice water! Yours, too, lilitiger2. You both make me feel much more positive. Thanks.
I was here at the computer earlier tonight when I heard his text-tone on my phone. Texts started out casual and cheerful; I soon realized he was not feeling cheerful (to say the least) and just as I was wondering whether to call him, he called me. Very stressed out, worn out, worried, over work, move, life in general, 'til I was in tears of sympathy. I said I wished I could be there with him, he said he wished so too.
We talked a LONG time. Not about "us," but about him and about me. Ended up laughing about some stuff 'til he said he was falling asleep (he is not a night owl, unlike me and is utterly exhausted). He said we will talk more tomorrow. Of course now I am wide awake ...
I will jingle for your friend, certainly, and you, too. My two cents is if you want to tell him, do it when you're both a bit tipsy (if you drink, etc) and make it a secret. Be playful when you tell him you've had a crush on him for months (or is it years). Giggle. Sip your whatever. Tell him another "secret" not related to your feelings about him. Giggle. Sip. Ask him to tell you a secret, still playful. Follow his lead.
But do not have conjoined kayaking at that time. Seriously. I've lost more friendships that way because the awkwardness could not be overcome when someone felt more deeply than the other.
Dressage becomes art when it is a joy for the horse. -KBH
It is really nice (and unheard of nowadays) to see a relationship start out with being friends, then good friends, then really good friends. The norm seems to be hi there, hop into bed, whats your name again?? If this is meant to be it will happen, but you are laying a strong foundation for a great relationship.
Oh I like this thread!! A guy who calls after he is in bed? To see how you are? And you are wondering how he feels??
^LOL!!! Tiger hit the nail on the head!
OP, jingles for your boy (space) friend while he is adjusting to his new move/routine. Life changes are really difficult and he is lucky to have you as a friend. I say take things slow and continue to be friends, one day that kiss on the cheek may turn into more but don't rush or force it. Keep us updated when you can!