I am in a completely different situation with a similar outcome....we have to be "just friends" due to life, the universe, and everything (for now). I was DRIVING MYSELF COMPLETELY NUTS. And, my mom, the wonderful person she is, finally said exactly what I needed to here. "Just breathe." Basically, I needed to take a deep breath, understand that the situation was not right for now, and relax. I have been a lot calmer the last few weeks because of it.
You can tell him if you want. But if neither one of you really can put the effort into any sort of thing beyond "just friends" (and sometimes, that's really all there is to it, no matter now much we wish it weren't so), you may be better off "just breathing and trying hard to enjoy the relationship that you DO have. Try not curb your normal behaviors. Be you. Be his friend, and enjoy him and the relationship you have. One day, things may change and you CAN pursue more. Or, things may change and you'll cool off.
So telling him helped the friendship and you two are still friends?
Yes it did. We were super close before, we are closer now. I feel less awkward and just own my feelings. We both have issues that make a true “relationship” more then either of us could handle now (im a recent divorcee and he is a widower). We have reached a level of friendship that we talk everyday and do pretty much everything together. We are each others sounding board and support. Honestly (and as sad as it sounds), this non-relationship is probably the best and healthiest that I have had and if it never evolves past this point I am ok with that.
With that said, once you tell him, you can not take it back. It’s out there. So you have to be prepared for whatever the outcome. If you are not prepared, then I second the other posters advise of "just breathe".
I say don't tell him, continue on, and enjoy. Having a crush is not a bad thing, I bet you're taking extra care with your appearance, maybe eating better, maybe being extra friendly to those around you, etc etc. In other words, this crush is making you feel more alive, if that makes sense? Just be sure to not allow your feelings towards him to consume you, to take up all of your time with the what if's, because you could make some bad choices if that happens.
"My doctrine is this, that if we see cruelty or wrong that we have the power to stop, and do nothing, we make ourselves sharers in the guilt.”
― Anna Sewell
Take up running. You will be too tired to be that hormonal about some guy.
Or, figure out what's really going on, and what you're really missing in life, if anything, and address that.
Or, accept this crush as something that came along, will be with you for awhile, and then will float away, as is normal for many things. Like allergies in the summer or eggnog in the winter -- they're around for awhile, and then they move on when the season changes. :-) .
I personally don't recommend telling your average adult male whom you have already been spending alot of time with that you have a crush on him; my experience is that if a guy is interested, he will make it known. If you pursue him, chances are he'll go along for the ride for awhile, but isn't really interested. (JMHO, and I'm old, so, maybe things are different among the younger generations.)
A good friend is worth more than a booty call. I had a good friend at work, we went to coffee once or twice a day, had traveled together and stayed friends though we both changed positions within the company several times. Things occasionally got a little flirty but nothing either of us felt we needed to act on. When he passed away a couple years ago I was devastated. I told my husband that my friend was like Facebook, we discussed all the things so many post.
I'd recommend trying to find romance elsewhere. You never know but being with someone else may help clarify feelings for both of you.
I will jingle for your friend, certainly, and you, too. My two cents is if you want to tell him, do it when you're both a bit tipsy (if you drink, etc) and make it a secret. Be playful when you tell him you've had a crush on him for months (or is it years). Giggle. Sip your whatever. Tell him another "secret" not related to your feelings about him. Giggle. Sip. Ask him to tell you a secret, still playful. Follow his lead.
But do not have conjoined kayaking at that time. Seriously. I've lost more friendships that way because the awkwardness could not be overcome when someone felt more deeply than the other.
It is really nice (and unheard of nowadays) to see a relationship start out with being friends, then good friends, then really good friends. The norm seems to be hi there, hop into bed, whats your name again?? If this is meant to be it will happen, but you are laying a strong foundation for a great relationship.
Oh I like this thread!! A guy who calls after he is in bed? To see how you are? And you are wondering how he feels??
^LOL!!! Tiger hit the nail on the head!
OP, jingles for your boy (space) friend while he is adjusting to his new move/routine. Life changes are really difficult and he is lucky to have you as a friend. I say take things slow and continue to be friends, one day that kiss on the cheek may turn into more but don't rush or force it. Keep us updated when you can!
Wow... this has me totally flummoxed (sp.)! I hope you don't mind me asking how old you both are? I think if you are on the older side, he is being very respectful, but he must really like you. If you are younger - like 20's, I'm stumped. But if a guy calls you when they are already in bed and there is no chance for a booty call, it's a very good sign. I think you are doing the right thing by just breathing and letting things take their course. Please keep posting.... I very interested to see where this will go and I am keeping my fingers crossed for you!
I disagree with some of the other responses. I think you're risking getting friend zoned - I.e. stuck in relationship purgatory, where your romantic relationship is platonic. You like him. He likes you. You do things (meeting parents for example) that go along with a serious romantic relationship and yet you're "just friends." I think the wires are crossed & you need to uncross them.
I have lots of guy friends. I don't treat them any differently than I do my female friends. Imagine if you're best female friend (or a guy you didn't like romantically) acted like this guy does. Would it make you uncomfortable? If it would, then great. You know he's interested and you just need get in the car and drive. If it wouldn't make you uncomfortable, then he might just see you as a friend. If it were me & I really like him, I'd give it a few months and see, if I could change his perception of me. If after a couple months I still just had a friend, then I'd figure that was our relationship and find another love interest. And that's why, you don't just want to linger around as "friends," because if he's interested, but thinks you aren't, then he's going to do what you would do - decide your relationship is non romantic & find someone else, who unambiguously thinks he's hot.
There are exceptions to the above. If you care about him and there's something really wrong with him, then you should just be friends with him - because he needs a friend not a romance, until he recovers. A non exhaustive list: addict (with less than two years of sobriety), victim of domestic violence or other serious trauma, serious physical or mental health issues, serious financial or legal problems.
In answer to your question, yes it would make me uncomfortable if my best female friend or one of my "just friends" male friends acted like this guy does. Thing is, I'm just not getting any "sparks" from him. He's not "trying anything." I'm not getting any of the signals from him that I've gotten from other guys, who were interested, in the past. That said, though, he does seem to be sort of letting me take the lead; he never backs away from me but neither is he taking any steps forward. I'm used to guys taking the initiative (and I was brought up NOT to).
I do care about him. I know he needs a friend just as much as I do and I don't think he is used to having real good friends who are female. I think all this is new to him, so maybe he's as terrified of losing me as I am of losing him.
I'm not exactly sure what you mean by a "love interest." I don't want any sort of relationship with any man that is just about hopping in and out of bed. And I don't think I really want to do that with this friend.
My hormones have sort of gone into "rest" mode recently and it's a huge relief. I'm not scared that there are sparks shooting out of my eyes or my fingertips these days.
This just all come out of the blue to me -- meeting him, spending time with him, getting to know him, getting to know him better ... I had no intention at all, in the beginning, of caring about him other than just as a nice guy. I wasn't at a point in my life where I was thinking "relationship" with anyone, ever again. I was just trying to adjust to major upheavals in my own life, keep my head together, and learn how to keep my feet. And he came along and held me up. And he also "lit me up". And I don't want to frighten him away, or put any pressure on him at all -- he's got more than enough of that in his life already, as I've learned.
Such a conundrum. You mentioned your friendship is new and when you met, which doesn't sound like it was too long ago, you were both dealing with issues that could perhaps be complicated, which is an emotional drain.
It appears you have made a good friend, which is a wonderful thing. However, you also haven't known him too long, and if he already has "pressure" in his life, the last thing you want to do is add more, which he may think will happen if you reveal your inner most feelings at this point in your friendship.
Appreciate this friendship for the joy it brings you. He may be in a place in his life where he doesn't need the complications a relationship could bring to his already cluttered life.
If you want to continue to have the nice friendship you two share, I would say keep your mouth shut about your lustful feelings and continue to get to know him. There are, ahem, ways you can handle your feelings privately so as to not rock the boat while you are still building this friendship.
I do wish you all the best. It sounds like a great person has been added to your life and I do hope it continues to bring you joy and happiness!
I think I remember you saying this is a "new friend", right?
So you have not been his longtime "buddy" listening to tales of his romantic exploits?
Normally, I am in the playful-let-'em-know-can't-blame-a-girl-for-trying club (got my husband that way ) but in this case, this is new, and you both really enjoy each other! I am assuming he is not a child, so, as an adult, he is making conscious decisions to seek you out. Just because he hasn't put out sparks doesn't mean he hasn't considered it. I guess I would want to see where this goes. As crazy as it can make us, I also think this is such a sweet part of any relationship that I don't think I''d be in a hurry to rush it. If he started talking about his dating problems with other women, I would certainly say something, sort of a "I think I need to clarify what are we doing here" kind of thing, but meanwhile, it sounds GREAT! I sure hope you'll keep us posted about how things go!!!
By "love interest" I mean someone you love romantically and want to have a relationship with. You can have a love interest without having sex with that person, but someone you just have sex with is not a love interest. Likewise, someone can be your friend and your love interest, but they can't be just your friend.
Why is it a good thing your fire has dampened? To me that's a bad sign. Love should make you feel alive. If you're getting bored with him now, think about how you would feel after 10 years of marriage.
Do you really think a woman feeling passion for him will turn him off? If so, he's either not straight or he has serious issues with his sexuality that you can't fix. You need to find that out, before you invest any more in him emotionally, because a man like that is just a heart break hotel. Trust me I speak from experience (not current) on this one - run away fast.
Unless he's super aggressive or not terribly invested emotionally (doesn't care enough about you to care if he gets shot down), he's not going to take the initiative unless he gets some clear signs from you that you're not going to call him a creep and run off. Remember that gross sleaze ball who asked you out and what you did in response? He's probably been that guy or seen it happen to that guy and has lots of footage for his what if horror movie. It isn't taking the initiative to let him know you're interested. It's just reciprocating his interest.
Are you sure you aren't hanging back with this man because he's flying red flags. Why does he have so much drama that he can't have a girlfriend? It might not be his fault, but it might be.