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  1. #61
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    Oct. 25, 2001
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    Loudoun County, Virginia
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    31 is so young to be saddled with this amount of responsibility, none of which you brought on yourself. Your last post seemed to have a lot of clarity, and that's a great thing. I can't tell you how many women who are friends of mine decided to stay with the wrong man (or situation)....only to find themselves single at 40 wondering why they weren't able to see the light many years ago. Quite a few.

    I realize you love him, but I'd move on....when I read the part about you not remembering that last time you were happy or that you laughed in your own home, it's time. Sometimes love just isn't enough. Sometimes it's about loving yourself MORE...
    Last edited by mbamissaz; Apr. 19, 2013 at 12:52 PM.
    Chase's Mom; RIP Dezi 1/99-2/09


    13 members found this post helpful.

  2. #62
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    Mar. 23, 2005
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    SF Bay Area
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    3,145

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    Quote Originally Posted by Really_Altered View Post
    I also plan to talk to him tonight about the assumptions that I’m just going to be here, and ask him if I can have some evenings away from the situation. I guess I have to sit and think today about just how much time away I really need so I can have a “real” number to give him.

    ....

    I feel as though I’ve hit a point where I need to know I can at least find some type of happiness in this situation, or else it just isn’t going to work for me. The last year has been tough, and it only seems to be getting tougher and tougher as time goes on. I don’t think I’ve laughed in that house – really, truly, laughed or smiled or been happy – for a few months now. There is no happiness there for me anymore, so I feel I at least need to try to find it (to give it a chance), but if I cannot find it, it isn’t fair to anyone to continue on.
    I think you know the answer ... life is too short to live without laughter - or with a man you have to ask permission for time off.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  3. #63
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    Apr. 15, 2010
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    700

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    Why would you sign yourself up for this? You're young. Go find somebody who doesn't have baggage that you can start your own family with, without all this drama. You're in love, but you'll get over it. You'll be a lot happier on your own!


    5 members found this post helpful.

  4. #64
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    Jun. 14, 2006
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    MI
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    Quote Originally Posted by pal-o-mino View Post
    Why would you sign yourself up for this? You're young. Go find somebody who doesn't have baggage that you can start your own family with, without all this drama. You're in love, but you'll get over it. You'll be a lot happier on your own!
    Really?

    She's 31. Most 31 YO women are going to be dating men who are a few years older. Most men who are in their mid 30's to early 40's have been married and have kids else have been married to their careers and often times have really interesting ideas about a spouse--mainly that she should support him in all he does and be nothing more than arm candy.

    I know there are exceptions. But a lot of the "nice guys" have been married and have kids by then.

    She may leave this situation and then find herself in another one very similar. She obviously loves this guy. I'm not saying love conquers all, but as we get older, we ALL have baggage. Sometimes it's worth working through.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


    2 members found this post helpful.

  5. #65
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    Feb. 1, 2001
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    I agree with BR that lots and lots of people in this age range have kids and other baggage. (We *all* have our issues!) And at the risk of sounding like my mother, I think that marriage *always* involves some added responsibility, compromise, and effort. My mother used to say, when you are married, you think about WE, not ME.

    She most certainly did not mean that meant the wife = doormat. People who know me know that I am *very* independent, possessed only of very limited domestic skills, have a very demanding job and lots of "my own" interests - which I tend to indulge. However, my DH is the light and the absolute center of my life and he has enriched it in ways that I could not even fathom before I was married.

    That doesn't mean it's always been easy - very few people get a pass on life's challenges, and we've had at least our share, I think - but the bottom line is that it has been WORTH the effort. Every marriage has times when one partner is doing a bit more of the heavy lifting, and as long as there is a shared vision of the future, I think that is OK as long as both partners recognize and support the arrangement.

    I sometimes think about how close I was to calling it quits a few times when I was at my wit's end with my SS, and felt that DH "wasn't getting it." (I think he probably had moments during that time when he wondered if he'd married the wrong person, too - that period was not comfortable for anyone in our family.) There was not a lot of laughter in my house at that time. But what a tragedy and a loss that would have been, to walk away when things were difficult. Because we worked through it, sometimes with greater or lesser degrees of success, we got to a place where we have a truly fabulous marriage and a wonderful family that I am grateful for every single day.

    I don't pretend to have an opinion about what the right course of action for the OP might be. But I don't think anything in life comes without some significant effort - marriage most definitely included - and I want her to know that if she really loves this guy, it is possible to work through these issues (and maybe just hang in there a bit while things are not so hunky dory - difficult tweens DO grow up and often improve!) and wind up with a really terrific, satisfying relationship as a result.
    **********
    We move pretty fast for some rabid garden snails.
    -PaulaEdwina


    1 members found this post helpful.

  6. #66
    Join Date
    Nov. 13, 2006
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    deep in the CT wilds near...the 200yr flood zone
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    Just an FYI, the single dads where DH works have the option to not be put on swings or mids because they have kids. Some even get their schedules modified to be in earlier to get off earlier on the 4/10's schedule and some get to buck that all together and be on 5/8's, so they can put their kids on the bus and be there when they get off. This causes some hard feeling with the rest of the dept., that have to go on nights periodically, when they'd much prefer to stay on days or would dearly love to be working 8's instead of 10's. The single dads catch grief from management & co-workers and their response is -- pack sand. One dad even said, my daughter is only going to be involved in a softball league for so long, I' d much rather remember being there for her than being here working. These guys date too and eventually have SO, but they don't change their schedules because now there's another adult in the household. One dad whose son at that time was close to the age of the boys you're dealing with and the ex was messing with his head, took time off to deal with the behavioral problems that were cropping up in his son. Several months, coming in to work piece meal, till the rough patch smoothed out. He had a GF that is now his wife and he didn't expect her to handle it.

    So if your fiance really wants to be a dad, to help his kids and work as a team with you, he'd never consider working swings or mids. Screwing his kids heads on right means one on one time and being on a schedule that absents him from daily interactions every night isn't going get that done.

    Like I said in my first post, the universe is giving you a gift here, showing you what life will be like with this man before you're married to him. Maybe the best thing is for you to move out, so he can get his feet under him to be a dad 24/7? His 'time in the barrel' (realizing the hard truths and sacrifices he has to make to have full custody) is not going to be a fun time, by any means, but without you in the daily picture, maybe it'll screw his head on straight to better appreciate you as a partner. His son's too.
    Last edited by OnThinIce; Apr. 19, 2013 at 01:36 PM.
    This it be all wot we want in life, wenn peoples dey loff us. ~ Willem


    6 members found this post helpful.

  7. #67
    Join Date
    Apr. 15, 2010
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    700

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    2nd marriages involving kids have a 75% failure rate. How many of you would hop on a plane if you knew there was a 75% chance it was going to crash. And that's not even kids with issues. YOu think those kids will listen to her if they don't listen to their own mom? You think it's going to get better any time soon? THe oldest one is 13. YOu have another think coming if that's the case. This is a horrible situation all around.

    OP, if you have to ask, you already know the answer. But go ahead and marry for 'love', it's your life. You think it's hard to find a guy without baggage at 31? Wait until you're divorced from this guy (probably with a kid of your own by then, also visiting dad on the weekends) and then try it.

    Sorry to sound so negative, but been there, done that.


    9 members found this post helpful.

  8. #68
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
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    MI
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    Quote Originally Posted by pal-o-mino View Post
    2nd marriages involving kids have a 75% failure rate. How many of you would hop on a plane if you knew there was a 75% chance it was going to crash. And that's not even kids with issues. YOu think those kids will listen to her if they don't listen to their own mom? You think it's going to get better any time soon? THe oldest one is 13. YOu have another think coming if that's the case. This is a horrible situation all around.

    OP, if you have to ask, you already know the answer. But go ahead and marry for 'love', it's your life. You think it's hard to find a guy without baggage at 31? Wait until you're divorced from this guy (probably with a kid of your own by then, also visiting dad on the weekends) and then try it.

    Sorry to sound so negative, but been there, done that.
    Actually, I think you may have a point but you're still overlooking the possibility that not everyone is an asshole.

    My skids are 13 and 15. They know that there are different rules in our home. In fact, when they started to have chores and responsibilities in our home, BM at first was PISSED. Then she saw how well it worked and instituted the same rules in HER home.

    Pal-o-mino, you ARE being awfully negative. It can work. And it does. Else lots of people in their 30's would have horrible situations.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


    1 members found this post helpful.

  9. #69
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    Apr. 15, 2010
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    700

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    Sure, it 'can' work. But will it? She's taking a big risk. If it's so great and love conquers all, why is she in here asking if she should do it? She should just hop on the plane. It's hard enough to keep a relationship going without all this stuff going on.

    OP, how about instead of marrying him, get your own place and just be engaged for a really, really long time? That makes more sense to me than locking yourself into this.

    Here's hoping she's in the 25% that make it. Best to you, OP.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  10. #70
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    Sep. 11, 2011
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    1,729

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    Its not the kids per say, its the lack of communication with SO/BF, ex issues, kids having major issues, being "dumped on", just a lack of something WORKING.

    Everything posted here just seems "off" to me. Marriage doesn't make things easier, its harder. If OP is having this much uncertainty then well, I would have my answer. It should not be so forced.

    I'm 33. A lot of us don't want kids and have not had kids. Thinking "all people by 35 have kids" is not a logical reason for me to be stuck in what I see as a disfunctional relationship. (Only going with what OP wrote).

    Next time don't start dating someone with kids..... its really that simple. They are out there. I have at least 3 good friends who are single w/o kids and never married, early 30s. Very educated.


    10 members found this post helpful.

  11. #71
    Join Date
    Feb. 6, 2007
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    4,541

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    OP, I'm glad that you have moving out as a realistic option in your mind. Go to counseling, try to work it out with him, if he doesn't listen make him go to counseling with you. I was in a similar situation with the watching the child while daddy is away thing (see the "Am I being selfish?" thread) and after a couple of times of just assuming I would watch and take care of the child while he made plans with out considering mine, I put an end to it real quick.

    He needs to listen to you, your mental well being is just as important as his is. I think you should go sign up for some sort of weekend activity once or twice and week to get away. Don't ask him if you can, tell him that it's something that you want to do and he needs to adjust his schedule accordingly whether it's hiring a baby sitter or not changing his work schedule. You did it for him, he can do it for you.



  12. #72
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    Dec. 28, 2009
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    846

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    You clearly are not happy. That will get worse, not better with marriage as you will have to become a defacto parent to these boys. You cannot not do so and be married to their father.

    Trust me, 31 is young. At 31, you should have no trouble finding a relatively "baggage-free" male, you just have to be willing to go out and look for them - by which I mean, have a social life - hard with horses, I know!

    A lot of people our age don't get married until later - the careers and "fun" lives come first. There is a very active singles community of 30-something boys and girls. I'm in my 30s and found a great one after recovering from the terrible ending of a 7-year relationship that ate up my 20s, stopped me from pursuing my dream career and ultimately shattered my world. I did not think I would find someone but when I finally decided to just start having fun and enjoying life I had to bat them away with a stick. Now I am very happy with the right guy. And you can be too. You just need to ask yourself if that is a possibility where you currently are and act accordingly.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  13. #73
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
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    Alabama
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    THe main problem for me is that you aren't getting support from anyone in this. You're expected to act like a housekeeper, have no authority, or at least any authority that is listened to, and love dad. If you don't love everyone involved, then it will never work for you. You are the only one who can decide if it's worth trying to make this work, and if it isn't, then end it soon. If you want to make a go of this, and you get more emotional and child rearing support, then try.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    3 members found this post helpful.

  14. #74
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    Sep. 13, 2002
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    Azle, Teh-has
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    Quote Originally Posted by PoohLP View Post
    Trust me, 31 is young. At 31, you should have no trouble finding a relatively "baggage-free" male, you just have to be willing to go out and look for them -
    um...NOT

    Here is the big issue which everyone has skipped over. These are two early teen boys both diagnosed with ADHD and in a family where the mother has kicked them to the curb and the Dad is building a new family (with OP).

    Kids who are diagnosed with ADHD [for real] are basically "special needs kids".

    We had a family in my neighborhood with two honest ADHD kids. It was a disaster area. The kids were nuts, crazy, wicked and had to be in special schools. No one wanted to be friends with them because they were weird.
    True ADHD kids will turn your life upside down. There will never be a moment of peace.

    That is something huge to consider and I can absolutely understand why the OP is questioning her life at this moment.

    I still say...move back out and let them settle. Let Pops learn how to be a pops and then reevaluate the possibility of a marriage in a year.
    http://kaboomeventing.com/
    http://kaboomeventing.blogspot.com/
    Horses are amazing athletes and make no mistake -- they are the stars of the show!


    6 members found this post helpful.

  15. #75
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    Mar. 12, 2006
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    Ocala
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    What concerns me the most is the man who says he wants to marry you will not go to family counseling with you to start your marriage out on the strongest foundation possible. He isnt interviewing you for a baby sitter, he is marrying you. That is always a team effort and especially in this case, needs the best direction right at the beginning. This is a difficult, if not impossible, situation you may put yourself into, and you both need all the help you can possibly get. His lack of compromise to what you are asking for, and in return wanting a committment from you, is a little scary.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  16. #76
    Join Date
    Aug. 13, 2008
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    Wisconsin
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    Yes, some are missing the ADHD aspect. As someone who recently had their stepson diagnosed with ADHD, this is HUGE. I was at my wit's end, and I had lived with this child already for 9 years. We always joked about him being ADD, but when puberty hit, it was no longer a joke. And he is not hyperactive-that would be so much worse.

    ADHD doesn't just cause kids to be hyper and have lack of focus. Disciplining them is a whole new ballgame, because none of the typical things work. And if they aren't on needed medication (and I'm not saying eveyrone should be, that's a personal decision based on sooo many things), things will be that much harder. They really resent typical punishment because it just doesn't connect the same way it does for non-ADHD kids.

    If you really want to stick with this (which I am not encouraging you to do, because it will be very very hard) you have to read up on ADHD, possibly have the kids tested more in depth/counseled/etc. And then you and your fiance would have to have a plan so things are consistent. ADHD kids take constant monitoring--in schoolwork, to make them take meds, to get them to remember to bring home books...the list goes on.

    So it all depends on if you are willing to throw yourself into this long term, until the kids are self-sufficient (which will take longer than non-ADHD kids), deal with the stress of regular family life plus the added stress of ADHD. Do you want to sacrifice the life you probably had pictured for something quite different? It's certainly not the end of the world, but it's going to be a bigger challenge simply because of the ADHD.

    I feel for the kids, but that doesn't mean it's up to you to champion for them. They have two parents who should be doing that. (Oh, and I read that AHHD children tend to be better with their fathers because they spend less time with them than mothers, and ADHD people do better in "novel" situations. So they likely could be tougher on you than their father if they spend more time with you.)


    1 members found this post helpful.

  17. #77
    Join Date
    Nov. 23, 1999
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    South Coast Plaza
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    If he liked it then he shoulda put a ring on it. "Live-In Babysitter" is not a career move.
    EDDIE WOULD GO


    7 members found this post helpful.

  18. #78
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    Feb. 1, 2001
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coreene View Post
    If he liked it then he shoulda put a ring on it. "Live-In Babysitter" is not a career move.
    OP says they are engaged...
    **********
    We move pretty fast for some rabid garden snails.
    -PaulaEdwina



  19. #79
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    Nov. 3, 2008
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    When I was in my late 20's I dated a guy for a couple of years and eventually we moved in together. Then, like something from a reality TV show, he got a call from a girl he's had a short relationship with prior to me. Turns out she had a son who she said was his. DNA confirmed it was. Long story short, suddenly we had a 4 year old living with us. Ex BF and his family were quite traditional and felt I should fill in as mom. While I really did like him, I was in no way ready for a child, especially someone else's. I spent a while trying to make it work, but like the OP, I started to dread coming home from work, and felt like I was spending all of my days unhappy or feeling guilty for being unhappy. I felt like I wasn't getting the attention or support I needed in the relationship and that the child was taking up all of our free time, particularly mine

    I left to keep everyone's sanity, and it was the right choice for me - seriously, no regrets.

    I enjoy being on my own and spent a couple of years choosing to be single. I did end up unexpectedly meeting someone else in my early 30's. He's a few years older, and just a super guy - they are out there! The few sacrifices I've made for him have been completely voluntary and without resentment, and I'm quite happy now.

    Just my experience, your results, will of course, vary Best of luck, OP, and I hope everything works out well for you regardless of your decision.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  20. #80
    Join Date
    Nov. 23, 1999
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    South Coast Plaza
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lucassb View Post
    OP says they are engaged...
    They're not married though. I see an unpaid babysitter.

    Life is so fleeting. You wouldn't be second-guessing it on a horse BB if you didn't know in your heart that this has no bueno written all over it.
    EDDIE WOULD GO


    7 members found this post helpful.

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