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  1. #21
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    Apr. 25, 2007
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    I read somewhere that the divorce rate for second marriages is 75% when there are minor children included....food for thought.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  2. #22
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    Jul. 11, 2004
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    A guys opinion: RUN AWAY!

    you don't need to be the evil stepmother to a pair of kids with "issues". He needs to spend time and effort with his boys, not with a girlfriend. They need him and he needs to be a father.

    Run Away, marry someone without kids...you don't need to be a live-in babysitter (I know a lot of guys who married just to get the babysitter in-house)...you really deserve better and sure don't need this drama in your life....plus, with kids you get wacked out wife in the relationship too! Oh Boy!!
    "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"


    13 members found this post helpful.

  3. #23
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    Feb. 6, 2007
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    Sheesh, she gets two problem children dumped on her suddenly and the only thing people can tell her is "suck it up and act like a mom!" They aren't her children, it is not her responsibility to deal with their issues and parent. Bio mom and dad should get together and find a solution to problems these children are having. It shouldn't be the girlfriend's responsibility to try to fix other children's issues.

    Did he even ask you if you were okay with it before just saying yes to the ex's demands? I hope he took her back to court, to adjust any child support he might be paying to her if the kids are now living in his house full time. Does he go out and do things in the evenings and on weekends while you're stuck dealing with his terrors?

    Yes, dating someone with children has it's baggage and you will have to interact with the child and deal with the occasional tantrum, but being forced into the full blown mother role because bio mom couldn't deal with it anymore? Why aren't people telling bio mom to deal with it because that comes with the territory of having children?


    16 members found this post helpful.

  4. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by AffirmedHope View Post
    Sheesh, she gets two problem children dumped on her suddenly and the only thing people can tell her is "suck it up and act like a mom!"
    Hey wait! I'm a guy and said, "RUN AWAY". She really doesn't need this guys BCP failures on her doorstep.
    "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"


    3 members found this post helpful.

  5. #25
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    Feb. 20, 2007
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    I'm on the fence. I think you both need to try counseling. Part of the difficulty in being a step mom (and I am one) is not hearing enough from the dad an admission that yes, the kids are difficult, and yes, you are being great to put up with them, and yes, they should not disrespect you. Most people don't want to admit that their kids are less than perfect which is hard when they are way less than perfect and are trying to ruin your marriage. If I had to do it all over again, I would have skipped it. Now my steps are grown and I will not see them. They are still jerks and our marriage is better because we don't interact. I found that every time we did, he was oblivious to what jerks they were and thought time would heal everything. Yeah right.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  6. #26
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    Apr. 2, 2003
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    Quote Originally Posted by AffirmedHope View Post
    Sheesh, she gets two problem children dumped on her suddenly and the only thing people can tell her is "suck it up and act like a mom!" They aren't her children, it is not her responsibility to deal with their issues and parent. Bio mom and dad should get together and find a solution to problems these children are having. It shouldn't be the girlfriend's responsibility to try to fix other children's issues.

    Did he even ask you if you were okay with it before just saying yes to the ex's demands? I hope he took her back to court, to adjust any child support he might be paying to her if the kids are now living in his house full time. Does he go out and do things in the evenings and on weekends while you're stuck dealing with his terrors?

    Yes, dating someone with children has it's baggage and you will have to interact with the child and deal with the occasional tantrum, but being forced into the full blown mother role because bio mom couldn't deal with it anymore? Why aren't people telling bio mom to deal with it because that comes with the territory of having children?

    This is basically exactly what I was getting at.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  7. #27
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    Jan. 18, 2002
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    I agree with Affirmed, just because there is two kids involved doesn't mean you are the bad guy for feeling like this. You take all the time you need to decide what it is you want to do. Sometimes pressuring yourself into a dicision is the worst thing you can do.
    You didn't ask for it, and you did not sign on for a full time gig, but you have it now so the best thing you can do, is put the responsibility where it belongs with bio mom and dad. They are the ones that need to deal with the children. You at most need to be there to support dad in HIS parenting. The first thing he needs to teach them is respect for you... I think if better ground rules were set you might feel differently about the situation. Good luck OP, i feel where you are coming from. Signed step mother to 4 teen agers at the time of my second marriage....
    www.tayvalleyfarm.com
    My other home.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  8. #28
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    Nov. 20, 2011
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    Quote Originally Posted by Trakehner View Post
    A guys opinion: RUN AWAY!

    He needs to spend time and effort with his boys, not with a girlfriend. They need him and he needs to be a father.
    My parents divorced and were both remarried within 3 years. I wish my parents would have taken the time to spend with my sister and I while we healed properly from the divorce.

    I would hate for those children to feel you settled for them. Embrace them with all the love you can give or get out now, but only you know what's best for you.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  9. #29
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    Dec. 2, 2009
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    Woah, BCP failures? These are human beings here - children - who had no say in whether or not they were born.

    With the amount of resentment that it sounds like you have...I'm not sure I'd stay. Kids can sense that a mile away, and it will deteriorate your relationship in time.

    I'm glad my husband stuck around (I came with two children) but it was very very difficult to make our family work. We had 10 rough years before everyone got settled out. But he tried his hardest to love our kids and claimed them as "our" kids pretty quickly.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  10. #30
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    Jul. 11, 2004
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    Quote Originally Posted by OneGrayPony View Post
    Woah, BCP failures? These are human beings here - children - who had no say in whether or not they were born.
    I'd guess the youngest one was a BCP failure (or an "oops, how'd that happen?") since it sounds like they divorced/separated when he was very young. Note: I said it was more important for him to be a father and take care of his kids vs. having a girlfriend...when they're grown (8 years), he can date...be a father until then.
    "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"


    4 members found this post helpful.

  11. #31
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    Dec. 2, 2009
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    I'd guess the youngest one was a BCP failure (or an "oops, how'd that happen?") since it sounds like they divorced/separated when he was very young.
    Nah - having kids will get you divorced faster than anything else. I doubt it was accidental. Really it puts a lot of strain on the relationship.

    The reality of modern parenting is really really tough. I'd never begrudge anyone the desire to have a new partner after a divorce, but that partner does need to accept the realities of having kids in the family - I won't say it's easy. My husband and I went through hell and back trying to make this work. He says he'd have done this again, I'm not entirely sure he would *smile* and I don't blame him (even though I'm totally awesome! hahahha!)

    Back on track though, OP doesn't sound like she's ready for kids, or for step-parenting, so I'd advise splitting unless OP is ready for a lot of hard work and family counseling.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  12. #32
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    Jul. 19, 2003
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    If you really, really want to try and make it work, get EVERYONE to counseling. You and him, the boys, and all together as a unit. I think this is the only option to make it work.

    If you don't want to do the work, walk.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  13. #33
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    Apr. 16, 2013
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    I’m sorry – I don’t get to check this thread nearly as much as I’d like so I’m having to play catch up. Hopefully I don’t miss anybody’s questions…

    First of all, thanks again to everyone – hearing the different sides and thoughts are all helping me to get a bigger view of this. Sometimes I think when you’re eyeball-deep in a situation, you can’t really think productively about it.

    SO and I had a pretty good talk last night. I don’t think we necessarily got anything resolved per say, but I told him I feel like I really don’t have the tools to deal with the kids or this situation, so I want to try going to counseling to see whether it can help. He said, “Good luck with that” in a kind of joking, but kind of not way – he didn’t say it to be derogatory, but more because he knows and will readily admit that the boys are being terrible and he doesn’t think there are any tools I can use to really help that. He admitted that he honestly doesn’t know what in the world will get through to the older boy, but hopes (and does believe) that the younger one will turn around eventually…

    You know, my Mom loves this guy, but even she said from the first that she didn’t know how I could deal with the Ex being around. And as time has passed, she says she *really* doesn’t know how I can deal with all this other drama on top of that. I have to say that the old saying about Mom knowing best has been crossing my mind a lot lately.

    He never intentionally forces me into a babysitter role, but I do feel like it sometimes. He works swing-shifts. Right now he only works until 6pm, so I only have to deal with them for about 2 hours until he gets home, but he’s soon going to be moving to evenings (until Midnight) so I will have them all evening, every evening. He rarely does any activities for himself on the weekends that we have them (and Bio-Mom does get them every other weekend), and he always clears it with me first. But I do feel very roped into the babysitter role during weekdays. He and I have talked about this in the past, and he said that isn’t his intent – he really loves me and wants to be with me. The situation just is what it is with his work schedule.

    Neither kid was a BCP failure. Although, SO admitted to me early on in the relationship that he hadn’t really wanted kids. But, he did say that he and the Ex talked it through during the marriage and made the decision to have each of them. And now that they’re here, he loves them and feels a great sense of responsibility for them. It just sucks that pretty much right after # 2 came along, my SO found out the Ex was having an affair – hence the divorce.

    The whole situation is just sad, and I feel very badly for the two boys. I do care for them a lot, but I have been finding lately that I love them in a more conditional way than a bio-parent. As in, a bio-parent can forgive some things that I am having trouble forgiving. And I *know* that isn’t fair to the boys, which is part of why I’m so leaning toward leaving. I think OneGrayPony (and some of you others) pretty much hit the nail on the head that I’m just not ready to be a parent.

    But can I learn how and become ready? Can I become a full-fledged parent to these two and help them become good people? Do I really want to, when it comes down to it? I’m thinking maybe some counseling just for myself is in order to get these questions answered.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  14. #34
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    Sep. 29, 2009
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    Quote Originally Posted by Trakehner View Post
    Hey wait! I'm a guy and said, "RUN AWAY". She really doesn't need this guys BCP failures on her doorstep.
    Ok, what is BCP? Call me the UNinformed.

    Yes, RUN op RUN! Just like Jenny said on Forrest Gump. RUN Forrest RUN!

    OP "Good luck with that," sure it is derogatory. Of course it is. You get counseling and he doesn't.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  15. #35
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    Nov. 20, 2011
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    Maybe removing yourself from the situation for a little bit will help you decide. Perhaps you will miss the routine of having the kids around and decide you want to be the step mom.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  16. #36
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    May. 6, 2006
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    Quote Originally Posted by Really_Altered View Post
    He never intentionally forces me into a babysitter role, but I do feel like it sometimes. He works swing-shifts. Right now he only works until 6pm, so I only have to deal with them for about 2 hours until he gets home, but he’s soon going to be moving to evenings (until Midnight) so I will have them all evening, every evening. He rarely does any activities for himself on the weekends that we have them (and Bio-Mom does get them every other weekend), and he always clears it with me first. But I do feel very roped into the babysitter role during weekdays. He and I have talked about this in the past, and he said that isn’t his intent – he really loves me and wants to be with me. The situation just is what it is with his work schedule.
    I'm sorry, but your SO is completely taking advantage of you here. He has custody of his children and yet he is changing his work shift so he will NOT be home during the hours when his children need him there?

    OP, if you dropped out of the picture, what would he do then? Hire a sitter? Arrange for supervised activities? Work something out with his ex so that she has some responsibility during the after school hours? No way should he be assuming that it is your job.
    "Can you imagine what I would do if I could do all I can?" Sun Tzu, The Art of War
    Rainy: http://tinyurl.com/kj7x53c
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    24 members found this post helpful.

  17. #37
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    Dec. 2, 2009
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    But can I learn how and become ready? Can I become a full-fledged parent to these two and help them become good people? Do I really want to, when it comes down to it? I’m thinking maybe some counseling just for myself is in order to get these questions answered.
    I think that's a brilliant idea, OP. Because you may find that you're more ready than you think...or you may find that you aren't.

    BTW - just because you're a bio-parent doesn't mean you won't carry ANY resentment. Believe me - I work through it daily. That's part of parenting...and when you get a difficult child involved...it requires a LOT of support, personal counseling and...did I mention support? My eldest is just turning 18, and my middle one is a teenager right now...just... phew. This is not easy - and anyone who says it is is either lying or somehow has managed to have the patience of a saint (or lots and lots of xanax )

    Good luck!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  18. #38
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    Jun. 24, 2006
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    OP reading your response... (I think I missed it when the board had issues) ...

    He needs to pay someone to care for these children at least MOST of the time when he is at work. Go shopping, go ride, go to dinner but first and foremost they are his responsibility. This is way too much stress on you. No small wonder you are so stressed out. You let him know what you can handle time wise and go from there. When I say what you can handle I mean it... If its once a week then fine, twice whatever. That would be a strain on anyone.

    I am not saying he is a bad guy or intentionally taking advantage but that is too much. I think that would be a great start and you can then truly evaluate how you feel without the burn out.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  19. #39
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    Jun. 14, 2006
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    Well, first of all, you're not alone. You're definitely not the common situation, but you are not the only mid-aged, no kids woman to struggle with idea and the role of being a stepmom. Been there. Am there. So ((hugs))

    Counseling is wise. However, I would strongly suggest that you and your DF (dear fiancé) find a marriage counselor who specializes in blended families. If he won't go, then by all means, go by yourself, but it's important to find someone who specializes in blended families because some of the standard boundaries and rules and parenting advice is great but not so helpful when you have to apply it from a step parent angle. It's not just you=parent. It's you in a role that is influenced by your DF, BM(biomom) and kids who aren't yours.

    I see people are saying "you're just not ready to be a parent" but honestly? How many people were totally ready? Even those who decided to have kids and actively pursued it? There is no instruction manual with the kiddos. Even bioparents struggle with things. The difference (to me) is that where the BPs can remember back to a happy time when their kiddos were wee ones, little angelic cherubs, and thus successfully fight the urge to murder them, we as SP's don't usually have that benefit. We have to not murder them out of sheer will power which can be tough!

    Obviously, the change in custody was a big change for everyone. That said, keep in mind that in any situation where there is custody involved, it can change. Up down, whatever. Usually one parent is the primary parent whether custodial or not. He/she is where the buck stops. Sounds like your DF is where the buck stops. You have a winner there.

    Also keep in mind that once you get to a certain age, chances are pretty high that there will be an ex and kids in the picture too. Not sure how old you are but I didn't get married til I was 33. Almost every guy I dated who was late 30's early 40's had an ex and kids or were total whack-o's. So even if you choose to leave this relationship, you may be revisiting this scenario again.

    My SD's are 13 and 15 now. I first met them when they were about 9 and 11. I have had a lot of frustrations over the years with basic stuff. Behavior, picking up, volume level, yada yada. With counseling and changes around the house (once DH was on board--post counseling), things really have gotten better.

    If you dread coming home then something has to happen and quickly. I used to dread coming home too. And on the weekends? I'd leave and go to the office just to get the heck away from everyone. I felt like there was no space for me at home. No quiet. Nothing that was the way *I* wanted it. And then DH also wanted a helper so I would get even MORE frustrated with schedule changes, last minute "can you pick up DD?" or having to stay home with DD while she was sick and DH couldn't leave work.

    I could write a book on this...but I'll spare you.

    I just want to say that before I got married, I felt a lot like you and it doesn't get better unless everyone is on the same page working towards a goal.


    There's a book I'd strongly recommend that you and your DF read. It's called Stepmonster-- http://www.amazon.com/Stepmonster-Lo.../dp/0618758194

    It was recommended to me by some other SPs and by two different counselors.

    My DH got a lot out of it as well.



    If you want some other ideas, please feel free to PM me. I'd be happy to chat w/ you about it
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


    8 members found this post helpful.

  20. #40
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    Mar. 25, 2013
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    Do you ultimately think these kids are the problem. Were you perfectly ok until they came into the house? Do you think you would still have a problem with being a stepmom if these kids listened and were controllable?

    These are the questions you need to ask yourself. Obviously if he is not willing to step up and discipline his kids, this is never going to get better. Just because they have ADHD or some disability doesn't mean they should be causing havoc. They also shouldn't need you to be a baby sitter when they are 10-13 unless there are some serious issues. Maybe this is more of an issue of their dad not taking his role as a father seriously.


    2 members found this post helpful.

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