This is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time. Finally, somebody has made me grasp the appeal of online dating! It just had to be presented in horse terms. I can't wait to read the next installment.
This was *hilarious*! Thank you so much for posting it!
It made me ponder what my fiance's ad would have been like if he were an equine.
He's the cranky, oldish (maybe late teens or 20), underweight gelding with a lot of "personality" that won't take crap from anybody... But has that one special person he's "bonded" with that he'll walk through fire for and lets do anything they want to him. And that person, for better or worse, is me.
My girlfriends and I use to discuss boyfriends in horse terms. Like, "I think you need an elevator with that one. He's dragging you to the long spot, so you need to get his head up and ride him down to the base, or he's going to leave long and crash." Translation: He's snowing you. Don't get attached, but get him in line or he'll break your heart.
Or "He needs to be ridden from the leg. If you touch the reins, he'll flip his head." Meaning: He likes to think he's in charge, but he can be manipulated through subtle means, if you're willing to try it.
And then, of course, "Man, I'd like to gallop that one down to a four foot oxer."
Life would be infinitely better if pinatas suddenly appeared throughout the day.
After a long series of high maintenance and testy 17+ hand palominos, I switched to a modest, laid back 15'3 hand bay paso fino. He doesn't have the showy mane or big floaty step, but he goes wherever I want, whenever I want, and, most of the time is an absolute delight. Of course, he is prone to a bit of laziness, but responds well to clear directions and the occasional firm kick.
Hmmm... I wanted... A ride who would be reliable and honest. Quirky and grumpy would be okay as long as he viewed me as his person, and would do his best to take care of me.
I got a kick-along, very lazy city horse who learned to appreciate being around other horses. He's a tall, arthritic model who seems to have lost his flowing mane altogether. And, while he is cranky, he loves his person and her other animals very dearly. Sadly, when he is opposed to a particular bit of work, he just plants. No amount of treats or punishment will move this one.