I think I'm married to a slob. Granted, he's been fighting depression since.. forever. Emotional trauma, and still suffering the effects of chemo, I'm sure. He's a cancer survivor. But crap. I just don't GET it. He lets absolutely EVERYTHING go until I make a stink, then it's of course, my fault things go bad.
Like... it's MY fault the bathroom sub-floor now needs replacing because I quit asking him to fix the leaky bathroom (broken wax seal) after six months. Of course it wasn't a broken seal, it was 'condensation'. So I finally got sick of the fight and let the floor rot. It took 18 months. THAT was my fault too.
But I digress... his teeth were bad when we met, and since the chemo he's needed a pretty thorough re-working. So now he brushes once a day, sometimes twice. But his idea of a shower is a squirt of shower gel in his palms, rub 'em together and just the pits, tits, and ass. He washes his hair a few times a week. Those showers take all of 6 minutes.
No. We have no sex life. It's disgusting.
We got into it this morning because he was blaming me for the 'sheets smelling funky'. Why yes. Yes they do. Because I washed and bleached them yesterday. So now I'm assuming he's against ANYthing clean???
Counseling is the obvious answer. He won't go. Any other advice? Any time I ask him to do absolutely anything (and this is no exaggeration) "He's Too Stressed Out"....
Doesn't matter if he won't go -- you could use someone to talk to. If you're handling everything, then you're likely overwhelmed.
For example... instead of letting the floor rot, call in a repair man. He either won't care and it will get fixed, or that will motivate him to do something for whatever reason -- save the $$, avoid having a stranger come and not do as good a job as he would, whatever his reason might be. Either way... you get it fixed.
Depression is insidious. When you're in the depths of it, even something as small as taking a shower can be overwhelming. Going to the store to pick out the parts needed to make that repair might have been too much. (The *cereal* aisle at the grocery store can be too much.)
Sorry you're having to go through this. It's definitely the 'worse' part of that 'for better or worse' thing.
Bluey's advice is really great. I agree, you need counseling to help you deal with him, even if he won't go.
My husband wasn't anything like yours, but still could in my opinion have used a bit of therapy himself. He wouldn't go, I did, and by changing my actions/beliefs ended up changing our marriage for the much better. I hope you can have the same experience.
Wow, this is timely... My DH is currently 2 weeks into a similar funk. They come and go, and have for all of the 13 years we've been together. For years he resisted the thought of counseling or even just mentioning it to his family doc, but finally after one too many blowups, he finally agreed to speak to his doc. Bloodwork was drawn, and it was discovered that DH's thyroid is pretty much completely nonfunctional. Doc put him on thyroid meds, and after a couple months, things improved.
The mood swings resumed, but fortunately by this time DH was a little more receptive to the meds idea... Doc put him on an antidepressant, which helped a great deal-- the mood swings leveled out tremendously.
That was about 3 years ago, but recently he's back to "major funk" status-- he's still going to work, but for the past few days, as soon as he gets home, he goes to bed. Says he's tired, but he's awake, reading. Apathetic, unmotivated, hasn't showered for 5 days, the whole bit. Ask him what's wrong, re replies, "I'm just tired."
It's driving me absolutely nuts, but I'm trying to rein in my judginess about it. He agreed to let me schedule a doctor's appointment again, and to allow me to accompany him; I plan to ask the doc to draw blood again, as well as to inform the doc about symptoms I'm seeing. (When the doc asks how he's doing, DH tends to be the type to say, "fine," and leave it at that.)
Anyway, if there can be a bit of advice in here anywhere, maybe see if you can talk him into seeing his family doc for a complete physical, including blood workup. Sometimes depression is a symptom of some other physical cause, which seems to be an easier concept for the male brain to wrap itself around. But even if there ISN'T an underlying physical cause, a family doc can sometimes point them in the right direction for some other treatment options.
(ETA, both DH and I have both tried counseling a few times on and off over the past few years; DH has seen 3 or 4 different therapists and never really clicked with any of them. Talk therapy is great if you can find a good therapist, but that can be a challenge.)
*friend of bar.ka
"Evidently, I am an unrepentant b*tch, possible trouble maker, and all around super villian"
I am sorry you are going through this, OP. I third/fourth? the depression.
However, sometimes a little prodding is a good thing. For example, I am not above informing DH that he needs to go brush away Dorito breath before we snuggle on the couch and watch TV. Not in an offensive way, just matter of fact. As long as you aren't obnoxious about it most men don't mind a little direction.
And does it take anyone longer than 6 minutes to shower? Good grief, what are you doing in there? Wouldn't judge him for that.
Another tip: get some extreme toothpaste -- I am in love with Crest Clinical Health. It does a good job of keeping up the "fresh" longer than the traditional stuff. And get some heavy duty man body wash or bar of soap, if you haven't already. They need to be bathed in the body wash equivalent of Orange Clean sometimes. I think the traditional bars of man soap, like man-smelling Lever 2000 or something, do a better job on man dirt. I use DH's sometimes when I've been doing smelly barn work because body wash is just not strong enough to get nasty odors off hands. The right products can make his efforts more effective.