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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr. 1, 2013
    Posts
    24

    Default What a mess-pregnant & long (alter)

    Yes, this is an alter.
    I married young, to a much older man-we haven't been exactly happy, but not exactly miserable either. We've been together 10 years. My husband and I agreed years ago that we could see other people, but he had not done so that I know of. We live more like roomates-peacefully but not really connected. We share a bed, but are only intimate perhaps once a year.
    He has 7 kids-I have none. He has had a vasectomy before I met him. At the time that we married he promised to get a reversal, or to use a donor so I could have a baby of my own. After a bout a year of marriage he "changed his mind" and said he didn't want more kids, so I could never have one. That is the issue that drove us apart from "in love" to just "in this house".
    Enter the old flame. I was badly abused as a child, and the first chance I got I ran. I signed the lease on my first apartment with my high school boyfriend the week before I turned 18. Sadly, I was running from the skillet into the flame. We lived together for a year, and it was pretty miserable. We fought constantly, and he did hit me. We had no money, no food, often no electricity. We moved out separately at the end of the year and eventually broke up when I met my husband. I didn't hear from him for years, and I found out he had moved to the west coast to pursue his hollywood dreams.
    Several years later my best friend moved out there as well, and sort of by chance I got back in touch with old flame via email. Now as adults we could see how badly we treated each other. We apologized and became friends of a sort. I got in the habit of texting him every few days. I comforted him through girlfriend breakups, and he reassured me that I was loveable even if my husband didn't see it. We've spent several years gradually deciding that we still loved each other-though we can't really be together, since he is in LA and I want to live where the grass is green and my horses are happy.
    After literally years of "I love you I want to marry you and raise a family together", I went out to visit for four days at the end of Feb. It was perfect, it was magic, it was stupid. I wasn't careful, because I have some health issues that should make it almost impossible for me to conceive naturally, and it was the wrong time of the month anyway. And I came home pregnant. I am almost 30-this is my once in a lifetime miracle chance at a baby. I'm not giving it up no matter what. The problems are with the other people involved.
    Husband: was angry, but has come around-willing to stay as we are if I so desire.
    Old Flame: PISSED at me- wants me to "get rid of it"-mean and nasty to me, now ignoring me completely- so much for being in love
    State Law:Illegal to get a divorce while pregnant-Husband legally required to be listed as the father, and if we divorce legally required to pay child support and have visitation of someone else's kid.
    I get that I screwed up-you can judge me and do the scarlet letter treatment all you want. Reality is, I could use some advice. Do I tell old flame's family? He is an only child and this is likely to be their only grandkid- he doesn't want anyone to know but I feel like they should be able to see the kid if they want. My family is very supportive and ok. What about last names? Mine is my husbands-daddy's if daddy doesn't want him/her? Make up one of my own design? I just don't know what to do and say. Do i need to tell everyone this isn't husbands? Do i tell them who daddy is? Daddy forbids me to even post that I;m expecting on fb.
    In addition, if I leave husband I will lose my house, and even if I don't leave I probably need to place several animals. It kills me to do it, but one of my macaws is going to auction the 28th. I'm going to try and place some cats and dogs privately, but no one wants cats or dogs. They may realistically have to be euthed-I'd prefer that to a bad home or being homeless. I have a horse i won't let go, but the pony may have to go- my board just went up again, and our barn doesn't allow partial care. At 600.00 a month to keep the pair I'm just not financially solvent on my own. It sucks that money is a consideration but it is.



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb. 15, 2007
    Location
    Midwest
    Posts
    716

    Default

    Oh, I'm so sorry for your situation. I don't have any words of advice, and I'm sure other wise COTHers will, but just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and hoping things will get better. Hugs to you!
    “Riding a horse is not a gentle hobby, to be picked up and laid down like a game of Solitaire. It is a grand passion.” ~Emerson


    1 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct. 19, 2006
    Location
    Minnesota
    Posts
    121

    Default

    It sounds like you get financial security by staying with your husband, but what's in it for him?

    I would say if you really want this baby, keep it. And strike out on your own.


    9 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov. 18, 2010
    Location
    california
    Posts
    4,222

    Default

    Let me just say a couple of things first: I have had very little coffee and I love children very much.

    I fought very hard to conceive and have both of my children they mean everything to me. I also did donor sperm for many years to conceive. Both my children are my husbands, but that never mattered to either of us.

    Why not enjoy your pregnancy, your BF is out of the picture so why care about him, he sounds like the same guy you left years ago anyway. I know that you are not close to your husband, I understand that as well. Have your lovely baby and enjoy. Accept that your husband will be named the father and move on.

    I am also thinking that collecting animals may have been in response to not having the child you wanted. Do what you need to do. No need to feel ashamed you and your spouse had an agreement to an open marriage, and you do not know if he has been with other women. Babies are really a wonderfull thing, life is not always what we expect.


    31 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Apr. 1, 2008
    Posts
    4,537

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by NMRN View Post
    . I'm not giving it up no matter what. The problems are with the other people involved.
    Husband: was angry, but has come around-willing to stay as we are if I so desire.
    and how, exactly, does he justify this when he was in agreement that you could see other people?

    Old Flame: PISSED at me- wants me to "get rid of it"-mean and nasty to me, now ignoring me completely- so much for being in love
    well now you know and knowing where you stand is part of the answer.

    State Law:Illegal to get a divorce while pregnant-Husband legally required to be listed as the father, and if we divorce legally required to pay child support and have visitation of someone else's kid.
    ugh. I believe you, and I'd be very surprised if this doesn't complicate matters. In support court can the two of you decide how much support he will pay?

    I get that I screwed up-you can judge me and do the scarlet letter treatment all you want.
    nope, not gonna do that. Totally unhelpful.
    Do I tell old flame's family? He is an only child and this is likely to be their only grandkid- he doesn't want anyone to know but I feel like they should be able to see the kid if they want.
    are you friends with them on FB? As for him forbidding you to post about the expected baby, screw him. He showed his true colors and I'd be damned if I'd let him ruin my joy or take away the happiness my friends might feel. If YOU aren't ashamed, let him figure this out on his own. If you are friends with them, or some of your friends are friends with them.....I'd let it happen. He's not going to be a part of the life of his child anyway!

    What about last names? Mine is my husbands-daddy's if daddy doesn't want him/her? Make up one of my own design? I just don't know what to do and say. Do i need to tell everyone this isn't husbands? Do i tell them who daddy is? Daddy forbids me to even post that I;m expecting on fb.
    the entire world does not need to know the drama behind your present circumstances. What do YOU want to do about the last name? Will you divorce after the baby is born? If you do divorce, will present non-baby-daddy want to see the child? Is he pissed right now and will come around later?

    In addition, if I leave husband I will lose my house, and even if I don't leave I probably need to place several animals.
    keep in mind HE may file. It may not be up to you. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best is my suggestion.


    8 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jul. 31, 2007
    Posts
    15,268

    Default

    Not sure I will remember all your questions. Ask again if I missed something and you think my input could help.

    1. Remember that you are essentially having the kid for yourself and inconveniencing both of the men in your life to do so. That's not justified, though you are justified in doing what you want.

    2. That means, No, you don't get to tell Old Flame's family about his biological child. That's because your primary relationship is with Old Flame, not his family. Your loyalties should follow suit.
    No, you don't get to post it on Facebook. Look, he gave you something you could not have gotten another way. it was big. The FB thing is small. Have a sense of proportion and make this concession. FWIW, I don't think BioDad in these circumstances should be held financially responsible by you. But I see how you and your state could see your way clear to making it so. After all, he made the (poor) decision to sleep with you when he didn't want a kid-- no reason other people should pay for his mistake.

    3. I think you need to figure out how to balance your needs/wants with those of your husband's. You made an expensive, hurtful and unilateral decision that affects both of you. Now you have to make him feel heard and valued if you guys will stay together.

    4. Yes, you can make up an entirely new last name for baby if you want to. I have seen it done for reasons of aesthetics, not just big ones as in your situation.
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat


    5 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Aug. 28, 2007
    Location
    Triangle Area, NC
    Posts
    6,710

    Default

    You said something very key, which I picked up on in your story before you mentioned it. You were abused growing up.

    Please understand that by no fault of your own you've sadly been wired to seek chaos. Your developmental period (when you're taught boundaries, morals, and integrity) set you up for all this. The good news is that with skilled talk therapy you can be "rebooted" to a healthy structure and have a very good chance at a healthy, fulfilling life!

    The sooner you seek help, the sooner you'll be on your way to happiness.

    I am in no place to pass judgement on your decision to keep the child, but I will heed the warning that without help, history can repeat itself.
    www.destinationconsensusequus.com
    chaque pas est fait ensemble


    19 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Apr. 1, 2013
    Posts
    24

    Default

    I agree.

    I don't think that husband will file- I have already offered that if he wants to break up we can live separately and stay married so he won't have to pay anything. I've already made it very clear to OF that I don't want anything from him. I own the house in my own name, no one else has any stake in it or rights to it, but I cannot afford the bills alone. I do think that the comment about animals making up for no kids is very insightful. I am trying to give both of the men in this situation as much as possible anything they want- I understand that I bear the guilt for the situation.
    The real issue is that Daddy isn't happy with no contact no financial responsibility-he wants it "gone". I do not want financial support from either of them- I don't think it is fair- but my state can apparently make one of both of them pay without my consent. I do know his family and they like me, but we are not fb friends- basically Daddy is afraid someone will mention him in comments and word will get out.



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Oct. 3, 2007
    Location
    PA
    Posts
    5,050

    Default

    Enjoy your pregnancy, enjoy your baby. Write off the old flame and his family. He sounds like a horror show and why bring that into a child's life kicking and screaming? Let him go for good this time.

    Husband - is willing to keep up the status quo and raise the baby with you. How does that sound? Sounds like a nice guy to me. I'd give the baby your husband's last name, I'm assuming it is yours too. Maybe you can find some of what you had now that you have the baby you've been longing for. Marriages change throughout the years. If you get along with your husband and have been content enough muddling along don't rush into any big changes while you are pregnant. Hormones really do make you a bit loopy. And I have known men who claim not to want any more kids who end up falling in a heap for a new baby. And it doesn't always matter if it is theirs biologically.

    ETA - I agree about getting some therapy for yourself as a survivor of abuse. It will help you as a person and a mother.

    Good luck!


    23 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jul. 31, 2007
    Posts
    15,268

    Default

    So you and OF/BioDad are at odds. If you never do anything to "out" him as having fathered a child with you or ask him to financially support the kid, I think he's going to have to grow up and deal. After all, if he didn't want some of his DNA out there, he could have chosen different behavior. You don't need to bend over backwards to absolve him of the consequences of his decision.

    I think your state does that because it doesn't want Joe Q. Public to be further ahead in line for picking the child-support tab than available parents. I believe BioDad can terminate parental rights and get financially off the hook.

    Oh, and you don't have to give both men in the situation what they want because you bear the "guilt" of it. You have to do that because it's the cost of getting something you want that's really important to you (a kid of your own). Don't feel bad, but treat these guys as well as you can and enjoy giving yourself the child you want.
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat


    1 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Apr. 1, 2008
    Posts
    4,537

    Default

    what changed your mind MVP? Your last post and your first post are so different.



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Feb. 27, 2004
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    1,034

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    You said your parents are happy for you. Is there anyway you can move closer to them so that you have a support network? Probably don't make any major decisions right away. If husband is okay for the moment, then stay there until you see how things fall. I'd say forget about BF, but you may or maynot need to have him sign something to keep him from resurfacing and causing problems later on. Start trying to rehome some animals, if you think they might be difficult to rehome, work on whatever their problems might be. CoTH seems to be a good place to start the rehoming process, better than CL.

    If husband doesn't want a parental roll it would probably be better for the child to have him not be part of childs life. Child will expect it and just be disappointed and confused.

    Can you give child your maiden name, hyphen his name? Then you can drop the last part if you do split or if you split before naming just give your name.

    Only negative I see to telling biodad's family is they may put pressure on him to be part of child's life against his wishes but he does it and that just complicates things.



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Mar. 10, 2007
    Location
    Montana
    Posts
    5,289

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    It seems like to me this is all coming together.

    DH backed out on his kid agreement and you followed through with the "see other people" agreement and ended up getting a kid. If DH has worked through his emotions (funny how emotions can muddle a logical agreement) and is willing to move forward from here with you and the child... then I would think long and hard about staying married and building on the life you have going on. You could make something really great with this situation if it is, or can be, in your heart to stay married. Then instead of losing so much you'll be able to enjoy your child.

    Personally if sperm donor doesn't want anything to do with the baby then I'd forget about him, post it on facebook and enjoy it, move forward, move on. Give the child your last name unless you pull it together with your DH by that time. (not legal advice)

    I'd make the best of my marriage if at all possible and go be pregnant stress-free, hug the dogs and cats and birds and make a facebook announcement.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Sep. 16, 1999
    Location
    Ohio: Charter Member - COTH Hockey Clique & COTH Buffy Clique
    Posts
    9,143

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    Daddy can't make you do anything. Tell him to f-off, unfriend him on FB and enjoy the remainder of your pregnancy as much as you can. I don't have much advice for current hubby situation but baby-daddy trying to run your life... put your foot down, girl. And that includes posting on YOUR FB whatever the hell you want to post.
    ************
    "Of course it's hard. It's supposed to be hard. It's the Hard that makes it great."

    "Get up... Get out... Get Drunk. Repeat as needed." -- Spike


    9 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,547

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    Don't post on FB-the whole world doesn't need to know your personal business, and they will after that. If you divorce the ex will have his name on the birth certificate and be the legal father, but you can change your name and the child's legally if you want, and he doesn't have to visit the child if he doesn't want to. You only have to get mandatory child support if you go on some kind of public assistance (as far as I know, and I know nothing professionally-talk to a family law attorney in your state asap). Don't contact the bio dad's family, or they might never leave you alone, and there is no guarantee that the bio dad won't someday change his mind, and want visitation or even custody--leave it alone. You can get roommates if you can't afford the house. Either a single mom or two, or a grad student or two, and share expenses. Sometimes public school teachers that are single and just getting started need to rent rooms in nice places, and save money.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    2 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Jun. 25, 2004
    Location
    Carolinas
    Posts
    4,777

    Default

    Lots of great advice already given.
    Go to counseling, it will help greatly.
    Treat you DH with respect, he deserves it, especially as he is prepared to raise this child.
    The sperm donor is just that, the sperm donor. His is not the baby daddy or father or any such thing. Your DH is already acting as a father and as a man. Learn to recognize and appreciate that.

    Best of luck for all of you.
    "Never do anything that you have to explain twice to the paramedics."
    Courtesy my cousin Tim


    15 members found this post helpful.

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Dec. 19, 2008
    Location
    Where The Snow Flies
    Posts
    2,419

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Petstorejunkie View Post
    You said something very key, which I picked up on in your story before you mentioned it. You were abused growing up.

    Please understand that by no fault of your own you've sadly been wired to seek chaos. Your developmental period (when you're taught boundaries, morals, and integrity) set you up for all this. The good news is that with skilled talk therapy you can be "rebooted" to a healthy structure and have a very good chance at a healthy, fulfilling life!

    The sooner you seek help, the sooner you'll be on your way to happiness.

    I am in no place to pass judgement on your decision to keep the child, but I will heed the warning that without help, history can repeat itself.
    I agree with this 100%. Sounds like your decision to marry your husband was a failed attempt at seeking security.

    It's great that he's willing to stay with the current arrangement that affords you the stability of your current life but the question is, do you want to raise this child experiencing a loveless household between the two people they would identify as their parents. Children learn from their environment and you may unknowingly be setting up this child for failed relationship patterns of their own.

    This is a decision you will need to make by yourself because only you will really know what is right or wrong for all of you. I do encourage you to seek out counseling as well. Once you sort out these internal conflicts, you'll see other things starting to fall into place.

    I do hope that you might be able to include your husband in your transformation. It may work miracles to bring you two closer together. Who knows. Anything is possible.

    Good luck to you and best wishes for a healthy pregnancy!



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Jul. 31, 2007
    Posts
    15,268

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    Quote Originally Posted by threedogpack View Post
    what changed your mind MVP? Your last post and your first post are so different.
    Wha? That's news to me.

    My basic view is:

    1. Do what you want, so long as you don't hurt other people.

    2. Own the hurt you will do to them while you are getting something important to you. Go out of you way to be sensitive to that and minimize the pain you cause them.

    In other words, pick your battles: Don't insist on the FB pregnancy or BioDad's family creating your Norman Rockwell experience (or theirs) if that hurts BioDad. He consented to "losing" his right not to have a child once he had unprotected sex with the OP. But should he have to lose more than that, too? If it won't materially help the OP in a big way, why?
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat


    1 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Jan. 17, 2008
    Location
    Dutchess County, New York
    Posts
    4,082

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    Agree with all the good advice already given. You might add checking with a family law attorney, though, because the biological father probably has parental rights, and probably therefore has the means to make your life quite difficult. I would guess you may want to get him to sign away his parental rights. That way he can't resurface in a few years seeking custody etc.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Jul. 31, 2007
    Posts
    15,268

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    Quote Originally Posted by tle View Post
    Daddy can't make you do anything. Tell him to f-off, unfriend him on FB and enjoy the remainder of your pregnancy as much as you can. I don't have much advice for current hubby situation but baby-daddy trying to run your life... put your foot down, girl. And that includes posting on YOUR FB whatever the hell you want to post.
    See, I don't think that's right. Women don't own the pregnancy entirely with the guy being her b!tch, any more than we think the guy should have unilateral abortion power.
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat


    3 members found this post helpful.

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