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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr. 1, 2012
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    159

    Default One Sided Friendships

    Any of you have or had a one sided friendship? I'm not sure my friendship with this relatively new friend is completely one sided because she has helped me when I was in need...

    But, when it comes to going out socially, she won't do social things i want to do ever...I know she's man hunting but she's tyring to go out in one area where she thinks rich men will be... and most of peeps are working peeps, but they are all stable good people.

    Irks me... any one sided friendship stories?



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep. 2, 2008
    Location
    Greeley, Colorado
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    3,743

    Default

    I used to have several of those. Over the last few years I've been purging my life of one-sided, fake, and fair weather friendships. I don't have nearly as many "friends" but the ones I have I know are TRUE. It's a good feeling
    **Friend of bar.ka**

    Fils Du Reverdy (Revy)- 1993 Selle Francais Gelding
    My equine soulmate


    6 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb. 14, 2008
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    921

    Default

    It seems all my "friends" are like this. It seems to always be me to call up and suggest dinner or shopping or what not. Which is sometimes followed with a "no sorry but I am going with so and so."

    But if there is a problem with a pet then I am the first one they call....... ( I'm a vet tech)

    Now I just accept it and don't go out of my way for any one.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Posts
    588

    Default

    Just because she doesn't want to do one particular activity with you does not make it a one-sided friendship, especially if she has helped you when you were in need and if you guys enjoy spending time together doing something else. Not all friendships are meant to be all-activity friendships. Some friendships are limited in scope to particular activities that both people enjoy, and that's okay. No one person can or should fulfill every friendship need. It doesn't mean the people are bad friends or that a limited-scope friendship is a one-sided or un-worthwhile friendship. There's a difference between a fair-weather or one-sided friendship and what you are describing, IMO.

    Just enjoy your time with this friend doing what you both enjoy and look for other friends to share your social interests with.

    JMO.


    10 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep. 6, 2012
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    Moved South from North Pole
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    695

    Default

    Some people are givers. And some people are takers. So you have to be careful if you are a giver, and not give everything to someone who will take everything and in return, give you nothing.

    Warmblood wisdom 101


    2 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Apr. 1, 2012
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    159

    Default

    I guess its more of a social one sided friendship. We do pretty much the same things and have the same interests... but she will only go out and do things wiht people in the "horsey" or "hunt" set or areas where she thinks there is money.

    My friends have money but we are working class... some are blue collar, yes, but most of my friends are working professionals with high incomes and many of them have nice cars too.

    while she can drive 20 min. to go out wiht her set of friends, she can't be bothered to ride with me 20 min. in a different direction where she could meet some men that are good guys. Its wierd.... I think she doesn't quite know my connections and thinks she is going to find a man in middleburg or something. If its not middleburg, she won't go out.

    Its just irritating... she is always complaining about not being able to meet men, yet, she's not willing to expand her circle... shyness is not the issue... AT.ALL. :-)



  7. #7

    Default

    If you know nice single men in nova, I'll drive the 2.5 hours to hang out with you.
    http://www.tbhsa.com/index.html

    Originally Posted by JSwan
    I love feral children. They taste like chicken.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jul. 15, 2006
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    806

    Default

    My very good friend and I have only gone out in the evening twice in 7 or 8 years of friendship. Once to a barn party and once for a bachelorette dinner. She believes that she should be home when her husband gets home, and that is "his" time. It used to upset me, but if she is happy with that (and she seems to be) than I am fine with that.
    We do lunch, go to the tack shop, chat about life etc. Just because she doesn't participate in that one part of our friendship I don't begrudge her.

    You almost sound like you feel like she is putting you and your friends down by only man shopping in Middleburg. If she is that much of a gold digger, you probably don't want to put your friends through dealing with her.
    Railgirl.blogspot.com


    1 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Feb. 15, 2007
    Location
    Midwest
    Posts
    693

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by dani0303 View Post
    I used to have several of those. Over the last few years I've been purging my life of one-sided, fake, and fair weather friendships. I don't have nearly as many "friends" but the ones I have I know are TRUE. It's a good feeling
    I'm right there with ya! I realized I was the only one really bothered by the one-sided friendship, so I stopped all the effort just to see what happened. What happened is that she never bothered to contact me again, and this was my supposed best friend! I quickly realized how much happier I was, how much less stress there was in my personal life, and how much easier my other friendships were. After this, I took a good hard look at the other "close" friendships in my life and followed the same process. Surprisingly, several gals have made real efforts to stay in touch and I'm ok with the more laid-back approach to these friendships.

    Good luck, OP!
    “Riding a horse is not a gentle hobby, to be picked up and laid down like a game of Solitaire. It is a grand passion.” ~Emerson


    1 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Aug. 1, 2007
    Location
    West Palm Beach, FL
    Posts
    3,478

    Default

    ^^Same here. Over the past few years, I have purged the poisonous people in my life and am moving on!
    "I enjoy this motorcade and will recommend it to my niece."


    1 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Aug. 2, 2004
    Location
    Whidbey Is, Wash.
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    9,599

    Default

    Yep, I had a friend who is man hunting (or sperm hunting anyways, tick tock tick tock), and while myself and two other friends of mine/ours/however you want to look at it went out way out of our way to help her, she seemed grateful.

    But then every time I texted her to hang out, even after running into her at the store or something and making plans to hang out, say, Wed, I'd get the arctic breeze only known by those who have texts ignored by people who friggin' LIVE with their phones. As in, never silence it at night to sleep because they might miss that text at 2am. Or she'd respond hours later that she was already out with someone else (usually a guy).

    So I quit. This was after I helped her move, got her a buddy deal with former landlords of mine, drove her around for stuff so we could hang out while she ran errands after she lost her license....

    She's recently start texting with me, but I think it's because she's being evicted from the super nice townhouse with the buddy deal for having "roommates" who trash the carpet. Anyways. I suspect it's because she lost a lot of friends with this behavior, including the two other friends, one of whom outright told her she was selfish and one-sided and full of drama, and she didn't want any part of it anymore. And I own a truck.
    Aisha, my heart from 03/06/1986 to 08/22/2008.

    COTH's official mini-donk enabler.
    Odie, aka the Evil Burrito, is on Facebook.



  12. #12
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    Jun. 12, 2009
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    438

    Default

    Add me to the one-sided friendship purgers. I decided on this policy a few years ago. At the time, one of my friends realized it on her own and made a huge effort to remain friends. The others, did not. I have kept this policy to date and I am so much happier because of it. Would I have more "friends" if I made more effort? Yeah, I would. Would it be worth it to have those "friends"? Nope, not in the slightest.

    I think this is a decision that you have to make for yourself.
    "Be the change you want to see in the world."
    ~Mahatma Gandhi


    2 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
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    Feb. 27, 2004
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    Default

    Pretty much all my friends are like this, I guess. Friends I like at work but they don't fit into the rest of my life. I don't do social so that's not a problem. Friends I enjoy FBing with but we don't see each other in real life. I have a few old time life long friends but we don't live near each other. We have a good time together when we get to see each other but that isn't very often these days. I see people who have "friend affairs" for lack of a name to call it. They are just glued to each other and in each other's business 24/7, until it all blows up in their faces. I just have never been interested in that kind of friendship.



  14. #14
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    Aug. 8, 2007
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    North Carolina
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    Default

    Im going through this right now. My dog ruptured a disc two weeks ago and it has been horrible. I called my friend to borrow her dog crate that she no longer uses. She was really sweet for letting me borrow it but I havent heard a peep from her in two weeks.

    She had a baby a year ago and the baby was sick. I took care of her rambunctious dog for free, made her several meals, took her magazines to read, etc. I also helped her out when her mother was sick and again when her sister was sick. I threw her a beautiful baby shower as well. Ive helped her move twice. Now that I need a little support, she is nowhere to be found. She hasnt even asked how my dog (who is a playmate of her dog) is doing since the first day we took him to the ER vet.

    Im supposed to go to her child's birthday party this weekend and I think Im going to bail, clearly she doesnt care.

    I too am always the person who asks friends to get together. Most my friends are like the one I mentioned above. Whats the deal?


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  15. #15
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    Feb. 27, 2004
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    Default

    I've learned over the years don't have a friendship if your expecting something in return. You'll always be disappointed. My college roommate of 3 yrs as well as best friend in High School, I've seen 4 times in the last 35 yrs. All at my instigation and with me making the most effort to get there. It bothered me a bit at first until I realized it wasn't personal, it was just the way she was. We went in different directions after college and it has continued that way. I enjoy it when I do see her but accept the fact that I will be the one reach out.

    I have a neighbor who has "friend affairs" and she will have a best pal then year later they don't speak. I've managed to stay friends for nearly 20 yrs. She knows she can count on me in an emergency but I'm not one to reach out if she's just feeling needy. If she asks me for the truth I will tell her, not brutally but plainly enough to get it across.

    Most all of my friendships come over a common interest. There are levels of friends. Some are deep and long lasting, some are just in passing. At different times in our lives my long lasting friends have been distant due to what ever we are going through in our lives at that time. It passes in time and it warms up again. No one has any hard feelings.


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  16. #16
    Join Date
    Mar. 1, 2003
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    Happily in Canada
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    4,695

    Default

    While I agree with the majority of the above, there's one caveat: sometimes a "distant" friend is actually going through a painful period in their life, and would really appreciate you reaching out to them.

    I have been on both sides of this situation; luckily for everyone, we didn't allow a small thing like "I haven't heard from her in a while, I'll just drop the friendship" to get in the way of reaching out and helping each other.
    Blugal

    You never know what kind of obsessive compulsive crazy person you are until another person imitates your behaviour at a three-day. --Gry2Yng


    2 members found this post helpful.

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Feb. 5, 2010
    Posts
    2,404

    Default

    Unfortunately, I've found that a few of my friendships were only alive because of me. If I didn't call/e-mail, etc., I didn't hear from them--even my "best friend" of 16 years. Granted, we live over 1,000 miles apart, but you would think the girl could pick up a phone once every six months. But she hasn't called me in about two years; I've called maybe 3 or 4 times in that time period, and this last time (October?) I decided I was just done. If she has neither the time nor the desire to be my friend, I'm not wasting my time. Done.



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Oct. 16, 2008
    Location
    Central Oklahoma
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    3,047

    Default

    If a friend is only interested in "man hunting" instead of hanging out with me, I'd leave her be to do her hunting. She can join me when she's found her man. On the other hand, just because a friend is not interested in the circle of friends I hang out with, does not mean she is not my friend or the friendship is one-sided. God forbid if I demand all my non-horsey friends to go hanging out with my horse crazy friends. I choose different people to hang out with depending on the activities involved. When I go to horse events, I choose those that love horses to go with me; when I go shopping, I choose those that love malls. I don't hang out with the same group of people for all things I do. I don't expect, nor wish, any of them to include me in all their activities either.


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  19. #19

    Default

    I haven't read every tag, but to be honest, from the way you describe her in the OP, it doesn't sound like you're really friends. You don't seem to care for the way she wants to spend her social time (do you know she's "man-hunting" or do you assume it?) and actually sound kind of dismissive about it.

    Maybe she just really does prefer wherever it is she's going out to. Heck, I know I get into ruts of only liking to do certain things and going to certain places and if someone suggests something different I dig my heels in. And that can even be with friends I've been close to for over a decade. It can be hard to go to new places and have to enter a whole different social circle.

    And if she's helped you out when you're in need, then it may be the one-sidedness is on you if you don't want to be supportive of her. If, however, you guys manage to enjoy each other's company when you do do things together, even if she doesn't want to go to hang out with 'your' peeps...then just accept that that is going to be how your relationship works. That doesn't make it one-sided.

    Not every friendship has to involve the friends having all the same social circle and doing all the same social stuff together all the time.
    The Trials and Jubilations of a Twenty-Something Re-rider
    Happy owner of Kieran the mostly-white-very-large-not-pony.


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  20. #20
    Join Date
    Apr. 15, 2011
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    931

    Default

    I've had friends like that. Pruned most of them away in high school... or rather, life events pruned them away for me. I remained friends with a guy from about 7th grade into college. He went to school out of state and was very busy in his program. I would text him when I knew a holiday break was coming up to see if we could meet up. We saw eachother about twice a year as freshman and sophomores. But after awhile it occured to me that it was always me texting him. He never invited me out or asked how I was doing. I get he was super busy, but Facebook told me he wasn't too busy for other friends and his girlfriend. So I stopped trying to spend time with him. I don't enjoy chasing people down to hang out with me when I know I have several other people I don't have to chase at all.



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