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  1. #21
    Join Date
    Jan. 6, 2013
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    310

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    I got married very young, at 22. My partner and I lived in different countries and it was the only way for us to live in the same place. We had not known each other for very long and I did not care about marriage at all, I just wanted to be able to have a relationship where we shared a flat and got a dog together. If things did not work out we could always divorce, but without marriage we would never know.

    Now it is almost 11 years later and I still do not care about marriage aside from its legal benefits, but I care very, very deeply about my partner. I would jump in front of a train for him, cut my arm off for him, anything in the world. But if there came a point where we were no longer happy together in a fundamental way we would not stay together. We do not get a lot of time in this world and we should not waste it in relationships that do not fulfill us, whatever our intentions or fantasies were previously.

    I absolutely agree with Wendy that quality should be the focus and there is no reason to hold lifelong monogamy up as an ideal. There is tremendous social pressure toward marriage and nuclear families, but I do not think that is right for everyone. There is a very, very big difference between romantic love and the kind of love you have for someone who stands with you when you bury your parents, when you lose your baby, when you go to hospice. Not everyone makes the transition from one to the other. And maybe we do not need all of those kinds of love from a single person. Maybe that is why people are often so disappointed - because they do not find that and they are not that themselves.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Jan. 9, 2007
    Location
    so. chester co.
    Posts
    156

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    I had planned on forever, but when I caught him first with cocaine and no real interest in getting help and then cooking crack in the garage I was OUT! Not an environment that I was going to stay in with my DD!
    Maybe I was just dumb, but I did not see signs before we were married. We had lived together for 5 years before getting married so it wasn't like we rushed into things.



  3. #23
    Join Date
    Sep. 11, 2008
    Location
    Snohomish, WA
    Posts
    4,225

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    I meant it as well.
    Not sure if I missed signs or maybe thought they were ok at the time but people change - sometimes just not for the better.
    It should have been a sign tho before the wedding I dreamed I was being hanged.
    ROFL - it's funny in retrospect. Wish I would have paid more attention to my dreams back then!!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  4. #24
    Join Date
    May. 8, 2004
    Location
    PA
    Posts
    6,819

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    When I was 23, I was dating someone who proposed to me. All of my friends (and I do mean all) were getting married around me. But, I knew he wasn't someone I really wanted to grow old with. So, I said no.

    All of my friends (and I do mean all) who got married i their 20s got divorced.

    When was 37, I found the man I married. Did I go into it thinking forever? Of course. He's the person I want to grow old with.



  5. #25
    Join Date
    Mar. 19, 2004
    Location
    Earlysville, VA
    Posts
    2,184

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    In being totally honest with myself, my first brief disaster of a marriage was just that. I think at the time both of us wanted to be married. He covered up a lot of things, like his drinking problem, and after we were married a lot of stuff came out. Ashamed to say I missed a lot of signs I shouldn't have.
    \"Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it.\" Anne of Green Gables



  6. #26
    Join Date
    Oct. 24, 2011
    Posts
    105

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    When I said my vows I meant it. I love my husband with all my heart. He's one of the best things that have ever happened to me (the other one was horses ) Yes, there have been rough times, but there have been way more good times and still more good times to come. It's a give and take. Both individuals have to work together as one. If we have a problem we talk about it like two adults to get to the bottom of the issue and come out stronger. Those who cannot do that and respect their will partner fail.
    "There are only two emotions that belong in the saddle; one is a sense of humor and the other is patience."


    1 members found this post helpful.

  7. #27
    Join Date
    Jul. 14, 2000
    Location
    midwest
    Posts
    10,529

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kelly in NJ View Post
    From your article:“Marriage has become a much more selective institution in today’s society,” said W. Bradford Wilcox, director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia. “People who are college-educated, more affluent or more religious are more likely to get married and stay married. People who are not are less likely to get married in the first place, and if they do marry, they’re more likely to divorce.”The Marriage Project has found that people without a college degree are three times as likely todivorce in the first 10 years as those with a college degree.

    http://articles.washingtonpost.com/images/pixel.gif
    “The odds of getting divorced are much lower for educated and affluent Americans, the escapades of Schwarzenegger and John Ensign notwithstanding,” Wilcox said, referring to the former governor of California and the former senator from Nevada.

    From this article: http://apps.npr.org/unfit-for-work/
    "But disability has also become a de facto welfare program for people without a lot of education or job skills. But it wasn't supposed to serve this purpose; it's not a retraining program designed to get people back onto their feet. Once people go onto disability, they almost never go back to work. Fewer than 1 percent of those who were on the federal program for disabled workers at the beginning of 2011 have returned to the workforce since then, one economist told me.
    People who leave the workforce and go on disability qualify for Medicare, the government health care program that also covers the elderly. They also get disability payments from the government of about $13,000 a year. This isn't great. But if your alternative is a minimum wage job that will pay you at most $15,000 a year, and probably does not include health insurance, disability may be a better option."

    I did not see a statistic in the second article to show how many divorced women and/or divorced women with dependent children were on disability. It would be an interesting statistic- maybe there is a relationship between the rise in disability and lower marriage rate. I know my own 48 year old divorced sister is actively trying to get on disability.

    As for me, married at age 21 to the same guy for 32 years now. It works for me.






  8. #28
    Join Date
    Feb. 15, 2007
    Location
    Midwest
    Posts
    757

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    I certainly meant my vows when I said them - the problem is that the person I married apparently didn't mean them...and just didn't care enough about anyone or anything else to even try. I walked away knowing that I tried and did everything I possibly could to save the marriage, he can't say the same as he tried nothing. I've looked back many, many times to see what signs I missed, what things did I gloss over, and I just don't see it. When we were dating (we were high school sweethearts and got married at 25, so it's not like we were dating for just a little while..and we were married for 8.5 years), and into the first year of marriage, things really were great. It still makes me sad to think of those times and then what it turned into. While I'm doing really well now, I do still have scars from the whole experience....it's left me with a feeling of being open to love again, but not sure I ever want to get married again.
    “Riding a horse is not a gentle hobby, to be picked up and laid down like a game of Solitaire. It is a grand passion.” ~Emerson



  9. #29
    Join Date
    Jan. 27, 2008
    Posts
    286

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    I think a lot of people mean it when they say their vows, but most people (myself included) don't completely understand what it really means to keep a marriage together and happy "forever."

    A successful marriage takes WORK, and a commitment from BOTH people to continuously work towards each other. That's a lot of effort, and a choice you have to make over and over again as you go through life. There are so many things out there that can distract you and pull you away from your committed marriage--addictions of all kinds, substance and behavior, work, stress, emotional issues, the desire to have something different, excitement, and on and on.

    I think a lot of marriages end up in trouble because of two things at the end of it all: 1) partners grow in different directions and/or at different rates and don't recognize this until it's already done and 2) because of 1) or something I listed above, one member of the partenership stops putting in the effort to repair the damage and/or move forward together.

    When one person isn't committed to working towards a future together, the other person can only hang on for so long. When neither person is committed to that work, things end pretty quickly. The emotional love that we get married on eventually settles into comfortable daily love, which isn't all highs and lows, but more of a constant that has to be maintained...

    Not trying to sound like a downer, I'm very happily married to a great guy for going on 8 years (started dating 15 years ago) and I have every confidence that we will make it to forever, but it's because of that commitment to WORK that I talked about...
    TPR!
    Thoroughbred Placement Resources, Inc
    www.goodhorse.org



  10. #30
    Join Date
    Dec. 19, 2008
    Location
    Where The Snow Flies
    Posts
    2,550

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    There are a lot of people in my age group and social circle who are under thirty and already divorced once. Some are already into their second marriages.

    Personally, I think this is a really sad scenario and likely why I'm not yet married. I'd rather be single and happy than living with a past filled with regrets and bad decisions.

    My grandmother always told us that if we do marry, plan on giving sixty percent of the time and only expecting 40 percent in return. If both partners did this, no one would be left wanting. I think she was a pretty smart lady.



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