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  1. #41
    CVPeg is offline Grand Prix Premium Member
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    We had a nice time together yesterday with friends, and my side of the family.

    But I now see that he's really gone backwards living with his Dad. Worse than I imagined. He really has no motivation whatsoever unless it's something he likes. Has gone from age 24 to 15 without any kind of structure for him to be guided in.

    So, frankly, I am very upset this morning. Came back here and reread the thread. Will respond to a couple below, but have taken a lot of the advice here into consideration, including the negative. So I want to thank all of you again. Good stuff here.

    But look out, because right now I don't feel like that "yes" face. Gotta roll up the sleeves.Time to get tough.

    Am lucky he does not have a substance abuse issue. But he does have a big growing up issue.

    Was feeling a bit lost this morning, but am buoyed by the contributions from here. We're going to have more talk. But we're also going to get some work done - now.

    I'll still be checking to make sure there's nothing else he has that hasn't been ID'd.

    He really was a good kid under my roof. Frustrating, but you could get him going again.
    Dam* - thought I was done parenting. Hah!

    Quote Originally Posted by Alagirl View Post
    but you don't want to be like this guy:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZXNMs8D-Ow
    Alagirl, he loves this guy!

    Quote Originally Posted by Ruth0552 View Post
    You might need to have a frank conversation with him. What if Daddykins DOESN'T fill in the gaps?
    I posed this question to him on the way home yesterday, and you could see the thought begin to sit with him, then some panic. Yup, fear is good!
    Being right half the time beats being half-right all the time. Malcolm Forbes



  2. #42
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    Tell him from COTH Aunty Alagirl if he does not stop watching that fat loser guy stereotype of a loser gamer I will come and kick his butt! Gamer style

    Have some Bailey's!

    You can deal with horses, you can whip that one in shape!


    Oh, and no more Hot Pockets for him!

    (This is a gamer he can look up to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqFWPUdBmw8 )
    Quote Originally Posted by fargaloo View Post
    Do you not understand how asking "why now?" is EXACTLY part of the reason why assault victims feel silenced?


    1 members found this post helpful.

  3. #43
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    Unless it becomes uncomfortable, he's not going anywhere...spoiled is spoiled.

    Don't pay for anything for the man-child. No phone/truck/insurance/school/clothes/food/games/power/subscriptions etc.

    Of course, I think the same things when I hear of adult women on COTH saying their parents are paying for their horse hobbies becuase it gives them joy! Gack! Be an adult if you're no longer a minor child.

    I did love the comment where he didn't wish to be judged for being a leech and child. Good for the family for being willing to call a spade a spade (well, as long as they apply it equally to all the family leeches/adult children).
    "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"


    4 members found this post helpful.

  4. #44
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    Good for you Peg! It's so much easier if he grows up now, than if he grows up at 50 years old like a friend's brother had to.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  5. #45
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    Oh good lord.

    OP, please start reading up on codependency; you seem to match quite a few of the markers.

    Re: the gaming thing: You say your son isn't a substance user... Start substituting the concept of "gaming" for "substance use" and the picture may begin to paint itself quite a bit differently. Gaming addiction is every bit as real as drug addiction; don't allow yourself to be fooled, and don't assume that because he's not putting a needle in his arm or leaving a trail of empty beer cans in his wake that he doesn't have an addiction. Many people drink alcohol and have NO problems, but some people have no control over it, and it can ruin their life-- the same is true for gaming.

    He's 24. You are NOT doing him any favors by "controlling" him, in any way, shape, or form. No more deadlines, no more cell phone payments, no more insurance payments, no more checking up to see whether or not he's putting in job applications. HE'S TWENTY-FOUR YEARS OLD. Just stop.

    Get the truck out of your name, cut the bills in your name, and do it NOW, whether or not he holds up his end of whatever bargain you have going on at the moment. It's not being mean, or punishing him-- it's just time for it to stop, period. Meet him for lunch every now and then, call each other on Sundays, give him a present for his birthday if you really want to, but for god's sake, CUT THE STRINGS.

    if he wants to be a bum, hey, that's cool, it's his business. He's a grown-up-- he's allowed to be whoever he wants. But no matter WHAT he's up to, good or bad, YOU should not be financing it-- any of it.

    I'm sorry, but there are really no excuses or justifications for this. Just stop.
    *friend of bar.ka

    "Evidently, I am an unrepentant b*tch, possible trouble maker, and all around super villian"


    7 members found this post helpful.

  6. #46
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    As with others, I'm in the "he's a grown up" camp. Kids have been done no favors by parents that coddled them growing up and continue to do so past the age of adulthood.

    It sounds like your son has a serious fear of failure. He's scared of being judged as a failure by family. He's scared of trying to get a job. Sounds like the only thing he isn't scared of are things he feels comfortable with. Well, you only get comfortable with new things once you get out there and do them.

    Your son needs to get out there, try, fail and pick himself back up and try again. THAT is the only way to have any sort of success in this world. If you never try, you'll never fail, but you will also never really live.
    Keith: "Now...let's do something normal fathers and daughters do."
    Veronica: "Buy me a pony?"



  7. #47
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    UGH...this annoys me because I know exactly the hell his girlfriend will go through when he gets another one. There is NOTHING worse than a lazy, unemployed, guy who is addicted to online gaming. Does he do anything for himself? Cook, laundry, etc?? Does he have any friends?

    It's time to sell the Playstation/computer/xbox whatever it is he uses.

    The military would be an excellent career choice for this young man.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  8. #48
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  9. #49
    CVPeg is offline Grand Prix Premium Member
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    Yesterday definitely an improvement. But when I first got up in the morning, I was so upset with how he has stepped backwards - how his attitude had become more juvenile. It was as if what I had done before he moved in with his father had become unraveled.

    Thought of the right stuff to say before he left, then remembered how it worked before when I was single parenting (even through so much of the marriage, while Dad was overseas). Rolled up the sleeves so there was a physical understanding of the work to be done (not just what I have to do for my business on this computer). The example was what had made the difference, rather than the ragging.

    He was expecting to leave early, but by the time he got in the truck back to Dad's late in the afternoon, he had helped me with chores, and had applied for a dozen more jobs.

    It will still be a work in progress, I know, but I'll also be requiring more assistance at my place this spring. And I can tell he's ready to get outta there. Been talking with friends for some time about getting a place. Of course the job has to come first. (No, not contributing, and always made it clear it's his to pay for.) Thank God his friends seem to be good guys. His best friend working on a Masters in IT had a serious illness in college, which changed his outlook considerably. They have at least been working on a couple of Apps they're inventing.

    Am sorry his father only knows how to sit around and bark orders. Was told that his Dad had put some time parameters on his gaming - limited to the evenings. When did that happen? A couple of days after I had told him the truck was coming off the road by "x" date. Ya' think?
    Being right half the time beats being half-right all the time. Malcolm Forbes



  10. #50
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    Fear is a great motivator. And there is a fine line between fear and respect. I think that has been lost in today's popular culture. Some people are not self motivating. They have to hear the bear crashing through the brush behind them to start running. Telling them the bear is coming is meaningless. Of course this also means that the bear does get a few of them that don't get the message fast enough.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  11. #51
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    As much as the military would help this guy, I don't think he should do it. Men and women should only join because they WANT to. It requires a lot of sacrifice on them. Boot camp would help, and it would give him a job if he went active, but he has to WANT to do it. You could present the idea, but don't push on it. I love our military, I married one. It's not for everyone. It should not turn into a restoration project for young men and women. It should be for men and women who WANT to serve and sacrifice for the country.



  12. #52
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    Quote Originally Posted by GucciJumper View Post
    As much as the military would help this guy, I don't think he should do it. Men and women should only join because they WANT to. It requires a lot of sacrifice on them. Boot camp would help, and it would give him a job if he went active, but he has to WANT to do it. You could present the idea, but don't push on it. I love our military, I married one. It's not for everyone. It should not turn into a restoration project for young men and women. It should be for men and women who WANT to serve and sacrifice for the country.
    I agree...I am a milso too Sometimes a glimpse into the life does motivate them to want to do it, sometimes it does not. Definitely worth a look though.



  13. #53
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    He's 24...with a computer degree...and you're still mommying him? When will you decide enough is enough? When he's 25? 30? 40? What happens if you and/or your ex would die tomorrow? Have you given him the skills to take care of himself? Sometimes the only way to make someone learn to swim is to throw them in the water.


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  14. #54
    CVPeg is offline Grand Prix Premium Member
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    I'm going to make one final retort to the constant negativism to those who haven't read the whole thread, or think it's worthless to spend that extra time with a son or daughter of your own, past the assumed time to be responsible...

    Do you know how many miserable adults are out there because they had no relationship with their parents other than "get lost"? And how that bitterness carries down to their children, and on, and on.

    Nope, if you wrap yourself up in what it is you want to do and expect to kick the kid to the curb, that's your business. I specifically asked for anyone's familiarity in a similar situation where there may be some clinical signs apparent I'm not familiar with. Not that I've ever just jumped in that path. But if they're there, I want to be familiar with them.

    And if I should ignore, and not step in to right a not-good situation which developed out of my control, then I should be blasted? Go on and first give a hand at your animal shelter or horse rescue. I am stepping in and putting things straight at home first.
    Being right half the time beats being half-right all the time. Malcolm Forbes


    1 members found this post helpful.

  15. #55
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    Quote Originally Posted by CVPeg View Post
    I'm going to make one final retort to the constant negativism to those who haven't read the whole thread, or think it's worthless to spend that extra time with a son or daughter of your own, past the assumed time to be responsible...

    Do you know how many miserable adults are out there because they had no relationship with their parents other than "get lost"? And how that bitterness carries down to their children, and on, and on.

    Nope, if you wrap yourself up in what it is you want to do and expect to kick the kid to the curb, that's your business. I specifically asked for anyone's familiarity in a similar situation where there may be some clinical signs apparent I'm not familiar with. Not that I've ever just jumped in that path. But if they're there, I want to be familiar with them.

    And if I should ignore, and not step in to right a not-good situation which developed out of my control, then I should be blasted? Go on and first give a hand at your animal shelter or horse rescue. I am stepping in and putting things straight at home first.
    In the end, he is still your son!

    and while we do think and hope we can cut apron strings as soon as they turn 18/graduate college they will still be our kids, no matter what or how old!
    Quote Originally Posted by fargaloo View Post
    Do you not understand how asking "why now?" is EXACTLY part of the reason why assault victims feel silenced?



  16. #56
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    Quote Originally Posted by CVPeg View Post
    I'm going to make one final retort to the constant negativism to those who haven't read the whole thread, or think it's worthless to spend that extra time with a son or daughter of your own, past the assumed time to be responsible...

    Do you know how many miserable adults are out there because they had no relationship with their parents other than "get lost"? And how that bitterness carries down to their children, and on, and on.

    Nope, if you wrap yourself up in what it is you want to do and expect to kick the kid to the curb, that's your business. I specifically asked for anyone's familiarity in a similar situation where there may be some clinical signs apparent I'm not familiar with. Not that I've ever just jumped in that path. But if they're there, I want to be familiar with them.

    And if I should ignore, and not step in to right a not-good situation which developed out of my control, then I should be blasted? Go on and first give a hand at your animal shelter or horse rescue. I am stepping in and putting things straight at home first.
    People saying you need to cut him off, aren't suggesting you stop loving him or being his mother. They are suggesting you stop enabling him by paying for his life. There is a HUGE difference there. There is a point when you have to be tough and say "child, you are now an adult and I love you enough to stop taking care of you. You must learn to take care of yourself." Too many parents don't do that these days and there is a generation of kids still being supported by them. It's sad.
    Keith: "Now...let's do something normal fathers and daughters do."
    Veronica: "Buy me a pony?"


    8 members found this post helpful.

  17. #57
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    Default I am the mother of the 33 yr old version of your son.

    Who was in the Marines, in Iraq at the begining of the war. 3 deployments, no injuries. Tons of money for college. Thinks that because my DH and I, who work 50+ hours per week at our business, should just, and I quote "let him run the place so we can enjoy our free time and he's also offered to handle our investment portfolio."

    Uh, no. He has pursued nothing of value while in school, I mean glass blowing is nice, but he isn't good at it and it isn't exactly a high demand job. He wants to be at the top of the heap, with no effort, no sweat, no sacrifice. He whines that he "has to start at the bottom" . I point out, that had he started when he should have, he would no longer be at the bottom.

    He followed his finance' to CA, she flew, he drove the truck with her stuff out. Once he'd unpacked, she told him she was tired of the slacking on his part and his services were no longer required. I suspect he is a bit bi polar (his father was and he shares those symptoms) and has anger issues. He has refused all offers for help or counseling, he feels that our financial support at a high level would solve all of his problems. He has had a substance abuse problem in the past, which nearly severed our relationship completely, I'm sure he still smokes weed, which while I don't have a moral problem with, certainly isn't lighting a fire under his ass to pursue, well, anything. He knows what the problem is, he knows he has failed to do anything productive, he knows he procrastinates, he knows that if he doesn't work this month, he won't have money next month. He is a HIGHLY intellectually intelligent human being, but has zero motivation and less common sense. My DH (not his father, who died being very absent from his son's life 15 yrs ago) has spent tens of thousands of dollars giving him every opportunity to get his sh*t in one sock, all for nothing. Every single time he calls now, he needs money.

    Nearly everything he owns is in a storage shed in CA, he is in OH. I'm pretty certain his father's ashes are in the storage shed, so last month, I called the storage place and paid the bill thru Sept 2013. I paid his cell phone bill (hours from disconnect) thru the 15th of this month. Shortly before his trip to CA, my DH and I bought him a brand, new car with a 30K mile warranty. He's driven it 28K miles (how I have no idea) and it has a tick in the motor. He is staying (with friends) less than 5 minutes from the dealership and "will get around to taking it in at some point).

    I told him this. There are no more free passes for lazy or stupid. If these things are not important to you, then there is absolutely, no way on God's green earth that I'm going to spend money I bust my ass for everyday, while you sleep until noon, to support the way you are living any longer. Do it or don't do it. I love you and will always love you my son, but if you want to have an adult relationship with me, you're going to have to turn yourself into someone I have some respect for, not say "you treat me like a child", then turn around and say "but I'm your kid, you should take care of this for me". Once they get old enough to pull on a prophylactic device and act like a man, then they need to do the rest of it too, not just the fun stuff.

    When he gets disqusted, cold and hungry, he will either change, or he won't. My son will spend 2 hours trying to get out of a twenty minute job. Offered work on the farm, that pays, really really well, he replies with "well, you think that's all I'm good for". Nope, that's just what I have that needs done, do it and get paid, or don't and go hungry. I care, but I don't cave any longer.

    The best advice I can give is do nothing else for him. Take his truck back, and be there for moral support when the pieces eventually need picked up.

    Do not equate his anger with lack of love. It is no different than a 3 yr old in a grocery store throwing a fit because they don't get a candy bar, you don't just give in to preserve the relationship, you bust their little bottom, hug them and teach them better. He already knows better, he's taking easy right now. His choice, but you don't have to make it easy for him. Let him see what the "easy life" really is, when he has to ride around in daddy's car and borrow his deadbeat sister's cell phone and computer.

    Do not cave in, he'll be better in the long run.
    Or I hope so, I keep waiting.


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  18. #58
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    Quote Originally Posted by CVPeg View Post
    My current main concern is my 24 yo son. Not surprising, he has needed a little work. But is bright, personable, and when he gets to it, can contribute a great deal.

    Up until last month, had a very part-time job, often busy in seasonal times in programming. I was his backbone most of his life, until he went on to college. Took some doing, but he got up to speed, and did well with friends and classes for the most part. Then he moved in with his Dad after graduation...

    He has a truck half purchased with summer earnings from a job he did 4 years ago when he stayed with me. It's in my name - I've made the remaining payments, have paid truck insurance, and also his cell phone. And I am struggling to find work now and begin a new business. Not being taken advantage of entirely, as I've used it to motivate him more than his father knows how to motivate anyone.

    Laid down the law to him last week, demanding that he look for legitimate work, giving him a timeline on the truck and phone. Under protest he accompanied me to counseling. I gave him two deadlines this week. He accomplished the first late. Has totally ignored the second. Of course I'm an hour away........
    take the truck - sell it - deduct what you've paid on truck, insurance, cell phone - give the remainng (if any) to son

    if he comes to you for advice in the future feel free to give it, otherwise he really needs to learn to live his own life (and what ever goes on between he and his other relatives is strictly between them)
    Nothing says "I love you" like a tractor. (Clydejumper)

    The reports states, “Elizabeth reported that she accidently put down this pony, ........, at the show.”



  19. #59
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    Quote Originally Posted by RugBug View Post
    People saying you need to cut him off, aren't suggesting you stop loving him or being his mother. They are suggesting you stop enabling him by paying for his life. There is a HUGE difference there. There is a point when you have to be tough and say "child, you are now an adult and I love you enough to stop taking care of you. You must learn to take care of yourself." Too many parents don't do that these days and there is a generation of kids still being supported by them. It's sad.
    CVPeg, please read this. And re-read this.

    I'm one of those people saying "tough love," but that absolutely does not mean "stop loving him." Money doesn't equal love!

    Paying his bills and financing his way and guilting him into job-hunting do NOT prove your love for your son. There are plenty of ways to "love" someone that don't involve having to pay for it.
    *friend of bar.ka

    "Evidently, I am an unrepentant b*tch, possible trouble maker, and all around super villian"


    2 members found this post helpful.

  20. #60
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    Quote Originally Posted by CVPeg View Post
    I'm going to make one final retort to the constant negativism to those who haven't read the whole thread, or think it's worthless to spend that extra time with a son or daughter of your own, past the assumed time to be responsible...

    Do you know how many miserable adults are out there because they had no relationship with their parents other than "get lost"? And how that bitterness carries down to their children, and on, and on.......
    when you run out of $ and can no longer pay for his truck, etc will that mean you no longer love him - of course not

    you must take care of yourself first -- what if you can't find a job, run out of funds, lose your place,........how will you be able to help him then?
    Nothing says "I love you" like a tractor. (Clydejumper)

    The reports states, “Elizabeth reported that she accidently put down this pony, ........, at the show.”


    1 members found this post helpful.

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