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  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by CVPeg View Post
    Alagirl - We had a long talk about gaming during a trip this week. Am fine with it in moderation. Not in lieu of work.

    Just talked with him - his favorite is League of Legends, but he plays several. Earlier he told me how he has advanced to the top 15%, getting close to the top 10.

    Was sitting around the house - they are doing nothing this weekend. He is coming with me to my family's gathering. Just told me he didn't want to go as they'll all judge him for not having a job. Didn't take no for an answer, and still has to do the work.

    Sometimes holidays are good for what you don't expect them to be...
    well, no, not in lieu of work. But I can see where the predictability of the environment has appeal to him:
    he is in his comfort zone
    he can excel and is well respected

    and I have to say, I most often had the most fun at gatherings I wanted nothing to do with.

    So go mom!
    Quote Originally Posted by Bristol Bay View Post
    Try setting your broomstick to fly at a lower altitude.



  2. #22
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    Oct. 28, 2007
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    Quote Originally Posted by CVPeg View Post
    Just talked with him - his favorite is League of Legends, but he plays several. Earlier he told me how he has advanced to the top 15%, getting close to the top 10.
    The thing is, this means nothing. It won't pay the bills, won't get him a girlfriend, won't get him a house or a car or anything he wants out of life. Or is this all he wants out of life?

    He really needs to stand on his own two feet. Send him out in the world. Cut him loose! Tell him it's for his own good. How many hours a day is he spending on the computer?


    6 members found this post helpful.

  3. #23
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    Oct. 22, 2003
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alagirl View Post
    well, no, not in lieu of work. But I can see where the predictability of the environment has appeal to him:
    he is in his comfort zone
    he can excel and is well respected
    Yep, exactly. Getting to the top % of a MMORPG is no easy feat and requires a lot of effort and dedication, and is very rewarding.

    It's no surprise to me he'd rather do that than go through the horrible grind of finding a real job.
    "The nice thing about memories is the good ones are stronger and linger longer than the bad and we sure have some incredibly good memories." - EverythingButWings


    1 members found this post helpful.

  4. #24
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    Jun. 24, 2005
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    What incentive does he have to grow up? Daddy pays for housing and food, and internet, you pay for the truck and cell, so he's living the good life. He has zero incentive to go to NYC or anywhere else. I don't think the others at the house are agoraphobic or anything else, but totally self-involved and don't have time to pick up packages or anything else that they don't feel like doing. Some people spend their entire lives just getting by, so I'm not surprised the entire household lives like this. You need to stop enabling him, or he'll be living in someone's basement the rest of his life.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    7 members found this post helpful.

  5. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by littleum View Post
    Yep, exactly. Getting to the top % of a MMORPG is no easy feat and requires a lot of effort and dedication, and is very rewarding.

    It's no surprise to me he'd rather do that than go through the horrible grind of finding a real job.
    but you don't want to be like this guy:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZXNMs8D-Ow

    Ok, side tracking this now.

    I think the kid has some minor issues that prevent him from stepping out.

    Does not help when he lives at the compound....

    I hope you have a great weekend with him!
    Quote Originally Posted by Bristol Bay View Post
    Try setting your broomstick to fly at a lower altitude.



  6. #26
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    I think some medical advice is needed here. Could be a mental disorder of some kind. Something in the autistic spectrum. The agitation is kind of a give away for me...DH has Asberger's syndrome and agitation when he doesn't understand things is common. He is easily directed and cooperative unless it's unfamiliar territory.

    I think you need someone to have a few talks with your son and find out if something like this is going on. You can't know what is the right thing to do until you find out why he makes the choices he makes.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  7. #27
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    You are in a really tough spot if your ex-husband won't work with you on this. If he is going to continue to enable your son, your hands are really tied as far as REALLY enforcing limits goes...he can always run to Daddy to get what he wants .

    Ugh. Been there and done that with my stepson (also 24). I would not rule out mental health issues, though, sometimes the ONLY way to flush those out in someone over 18 is to play the tough love card to force the kid to hit bottom and be willing to accept that they need help (been there and done that too).

    I've got way too many stories to tell here without boring everyone to tears and writing a novel. 24 year old stepson and 23 year old bio son. The latter is doing well, out on his own, but I had a supportive and cooperative ex-husband to work with. My husband's ex is the queen of all enablers, it's really crippled our ability to do the right thing by my stepson.



  8. #28
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    He's a 24 year old man. You shouldn't be "parenting" anymore. Sell the truck, and cancel the phone. I know you love him but it's sink or swim time.


    14 members found this post helpful.

  9. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by mswillie View Post
    He's a 24 year old man. You shouldn't be "parenting" anymore. Sell the truck, and cancel the phone. I know you love him but it's sink or swim time.
    Yup. Not only is what he's doing not your problem at this point, it's not really any of your business. Stop enabling and start enjoying your own life!
    Jigga:
    Why must you chastise my brilliant idea with facts and logic? **picks up toys (and wine) and goes home**


    5 members found this post helpful.

  10. #30
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    Nov. 25, 2005
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    Uh... No. I think part of the OP's point is that she can take back the truck, cancel the insurance and phone, and DS's daddy will fill in the gaps.

    You might need to have a frank conversation with him. What if Daddykins DOESN'T fill in the gaps? What if sister gets tired of having him around? What if something happens to Dad to sister inherits everything and throws his lazy ass out on the sidewalk?

    He definitely sounds like he has some motivational issues. However, I'm 30, and I've definitely known more than a few 20-somethings with lazy-ass issues, including my ex-husband, who is a gamer.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  11. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alagirl View Post
    there certainly seem to be some issues with stepping out into unknown territory. Alas, I am not a professional, I can only guess.

    But:
    I am a gamer. That I can intelligently discuss.
    being 'into gaming' seems to me often to be a symptom that things aren't fun in paradise.

    I had my phases when I played much to much, stayed on too long and all that good stuff. A friend of mine (my facilitator ) had horrible issues at home with his parents, so he would play all hours of the day. (you notice when somebody who is 2 hours behind you is online when you get up at 7...that is EARLY - or late...)

    In any case, the online world is fun. You do your thing, the things you kill will clean themselves, unlike that stack of dishes.
    You can engage in social interaction - or not. (I spend a few hours fishing in the virtual world when the call came at 3AM that sister's cancer had returned...calming activity when you can't really do anything else)

    Long story brief synopsis: you might gain some insights if you got to know his games and why he plays them. And I mean in a more broad sense, not so much why the game is cool.

    having said (confessed) that I was in way too deep, I am also telling you that right now I am considering to let my subscription laps on my game. I found as life got busy and more enjoyable (again) I spend less and less time playing.

    same for my friend: as his situation improved he dropped off the face of the earth for a couple of years, happy with girlfriend, school and job.

    and in all fairness, at 24 I didn't know whether I was coming or going...

    Give him a big hug
    he sounds like a good kid, under the issues.
    Yep
    Gaming addiction is self medication and willful separation from reality. It needs to be explored as seriously as if it were hard drugs.

    I had to walk away from an engagement due to his gaming addiction.
    www.destinationconsensusequus.com
    chaque pas est fait ensemble


    3 members found this post helpful.

  12. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ruth0552 View Post
    Uh... No. I think part of the OP's point is that she can take back the truck, cancel the insurance and phone, and DS's daddy will fill in the gaps.
    So what if daddykins does?

    As long as daddy-kins does his share of enabling, Mom can't fix anything. Son will just run back to dad anyway when Mom "gets tough". So Mom might as well get REALLY tough and stop throwing good money after bad.
    "The nice thing about memories is the good ones are stronger and linger longer than the bad and we sure have some incredibly good memories." - EverythingButWings


    7 members found this post helpful.

  13. #33
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    Tough love is well tough...I have a son your age, still kind of floundering and trying to decide what to do with his life. I also have an ex that enabled, untill he financially couldn't.

    My deal with my two adult kids (and I told them this early on), that I will help when they needed help, but only if they were trying to help themselves first. He worked while he lived at home, quit jobs, and even refused to get up one morning while employed with our company. That was the end of the line as far as the free ride.

    My son is out of the house (has been for 4 years). He moved in with my oldest daughter and she kind of took over the role of Mom. She made sure he worked, etc. They live about 2 hours away from us. My son has had a steady serious gf for 4 years, she is a hard worker and very responsible, she wants to get married now, son knows he is still not ready. They did have their own apartment for 2 years, but it was finacially better for all to move back in with my daughter.

    He does play the games, how much I'm not really sure, but he does have a life so I don't worry to much. I know boys mature a little slower, so I give him that. He's slowly coming along, but I make sure to not enable him. If he needs to borrow money, he knows he has to pay us back. It's working so far.



  14. #34
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    Best of luck. Hope you and your son can find happiness.



  15. #35
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    Is he on medication? My son who is ADD was very anti-medication until he almost flunked out of college. On meds he is a very different person, much more self-motivation. He also quit gaming.



  16. #36
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    Your son is an adult. He does not live with you.

    Stop paying for the truck and the cell phone. He is not a child, so stop treating him like one.

    Because he is an adult, whether or not he works is not your problem. Whether or not he has a girlfriend is not your problem. Whether or not he plays games all day is not your problem.

    Forcing a 24 year old man to attend a family function with you (if he refuses, are you going to ground him?!!!) is simply ludicrous.

    Stop being his mommy. Let. Him. Go.

    I have two sons a few years younger than yours. I know of what I speak.
    "Can you imagine what I would do if I could do all I can?" Sun Tzu, The Art of War
    Rainy: http://tinyurl.com/kj7x53c
    Stash: http://tinyurl.com/mmm3p4e


    4 members found this post helpful.

  17. #37
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    I just read part of this...I was really concerned that my very intelligent son would end up just hanging when he got out of high school two years ago...and he surprised the crap out of me by asking permission to join the Navy when he was at the end of his junior year (I had to give permission as he was a minor). Best thing to ever happen; even boot camp was set up to break those addictions (no electronics at all for 8 weeks). Maybe that's a direction you can encourage him to go?


    2 members found this post helpful.

  18. #38
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    Jul. 15, 2006
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    I understad where you are coming from with the ex. My son is only 11 and I see this type of problem developing already. For example, my son needs new glasses, told my ex about them in January, told me in Feb. I have my son on my insurance and he gets FREE glasses. I will be taking him when he comes down with me this week. So I get the lazy household thing.
    However, at 24 your son is a man. I know you want to be involved and protect him from lazy ex, but you can not control your ex. You can only control you. If you do whats right your son will have much more respect for you in the long run. Do what you can to motivate him. Stop paying for the truck, which since he said he would give it back sounds like he feels like its just a thing for you to hold over his head and doesn't care anymore. Stop paying for the phone and take the high road, as hard as it may be.
    Railgirl.blogspot.com



  19. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2bayboys View Post
    Your son is an adult. He does not live with you.

    Stop paying for the truck and the cell phone. He is not a child, so stop treating him like one.

    Because he is an adult, whether or not he works is not your problem. Whether or not he has a girlfriend is not your problem. Whether or not he plays games all day is not your problem.

    Forcing a 24 year old man to attend a family function with you (if he refuses, are you going to ground him?!!!) is simply ludicrous.

    Stop being his mommy. Let. Him. Go.

    I have two sons a few years younger than yours. I know of what I speak.
    This. Exactly.

    I have twin 25 year olds. We have dealt with their own version of this but they are both launched or almost launched at this point. It's a pain in the rear to have to be the hard guy/gal, but it must be done.

    For the extreme example of what can happen otherwise, my nephew is Exhibit A. Now in jail, has a big drug problem. His mom finally figured out that she was enabling but his dad is still doing it, even after much much evidence that it needs to stop.

    Draw boundaries, put your foot down, treat him like he's a man, not a little boy.

    Hugs!



  20. #40
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    Have you thought about what is going to happen with the younger generation once dear daddy isn't there to support them? Are YOU in position, with a plan and financial ability, to deal with the aftermath? You're not going to be a spring chicken, yourself, and will need to worry about your own elder care.

    We're dealing with a similar issue. My dad coddled the heck out of my brother, and now has a 32 year old deadbeat for a son. Dad's health if failing, he has almost no retirement savings, and he's still enabling. Brother is alcoholic, spends huge amounts of time playing an online game, refuses to hold down a job (because, among other things, they generally expect you to show up) and instead works casually for Dad's small company for big wads of cash under the table, and basically has nothing--he's currently staying in a friend's spare room. This, from a guy who's smarter than average, inherited enough money to either pay for school or pay a big chunk toward a nice house, and has been paid approximately twice the going trained, adult wage (in cash) since he was 16.

    As long as he has three squares, a case of Bud Light, and an internet connection, he has absolutely no incentive to do anything differently.
    ---------------------------



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