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  1. #1
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    Default Pre Teen Girl Drama

    I have no daughters, only sons. I have nephews (one niece, but she's only six months!), only brothers and it's been a long time since I was a girl, and I was hardly typical. I don't know much about girls .

    Can someone explain preteen girl stuff to me? So I can help my boy?

    My 5th grade son is really unhappy these days. His best friend of several years is a girl his age. Recently, she has refused to speak to him, even going so far as to tell him to "Go Away!" when he tries to talk to her at school.

    The after school director asked her what the problem was and she spillled...apparently, she has developed a crush on another boy and is afraid that, if the other boy sees her talking to and playing with my son, he'll be "jealous". Never mind that the crush boy doesn't pay any attention to her, she sits alone, just in case he wants to talk to her.

    What the heck? Is this how girls are? Do they really start worrying about romantic stuff at age 10/11? Do they shut their friends out because they have a crush? My son has no romantic interest in her (or anyone else yet), he just likes to play with her.

    I've been trying to explain to him that it's not about him, she's not mad at him, she still likes him, she's just all worried about what this other boy thinks. He understands it intellectually, but he's really upset.



  2. #2
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    Poor kid! I remember having crushes in 5th grade, and getting in a fight with a friend in 6th or 7th because she started "dating" a boy she knew I liked. So this girl is being particularly silly (if you're close with her parents, do they know she's treating her friends like this?) but yes it certainly starts that early.

    It might be an opportunity to talk about how we react when someone treats us poorly. Maybe start with pointing out to the person that they're making you feel really bad, but if they don't change anything then consider letting that person go.
    "Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out." ~John Wooden

    Phoenix Animal Rescue



  3. #3
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    That 12-16 age range was easily the worst of my life. I'm not too far away from it, so the scars are still healing.

    The best you can do is to be there and be supportive of your son, confirming that it's not HIM, it's HER, and that she's just confused about her feelings. The good thing is that crushes come and go so quickly at that age that hopefully she will snap out of it, before she hurts your son too much more.

    Is there a chance you could set up something for them to do outside of school? A trip to the movies or something? That way there will be no pressure of crushes lurking around to be jealous...
    Well isn't this dandy?


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  4. #4
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    aren't hormones fun? I would never want to be that age again, but will have to go through it at some point die to having a daughter lol.



  5. #5
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    Yep, some girls are like this at a young age. I blame it on all the stupid Disney tween shows that are nothing but drama. Clothing aimed at 10 year old girls looks just like clothing for teenagers. The world wants kids to grow up in a hurry.

    DD just turned 10, and is in 4th grade. When I hang out with her at lunch recess, there is a group of girls who sit on the edge of the playing fields and watch the boys play. Their hair is perfect, clothes perfect etc. That's all they do, sit there and talk and watch the boys play. Luckily DD and her group are the ones with grass stains hanging upside down on the monkey bars with their underwear showing because they just don't care yet. She actually had more boys than girls show up to her birthday party this year.

    I agree that if you are friends with his girl's parents, talk to them about it. She is setting herself up for a worrisome future if she is already changing the way she acts to appeal to a boy. That isn't healthy
    From AliCat518 "Seriously, why would you NOT put fried chicken in your purse?!"


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  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by rustbreeches View Post
    Yep, some girls are like this at a young age. I blame it on all the stupid Disney tween shows that are nothing but drama. Clothing aimed at 10 year old girls looks just like clothing for teenagers. The world wants kids to grow up in a hurry.
    That's what I was telling my son! I asked him if he knows what TV shows she watches...because some of those shows aimed at girls this age are all about romantic drama. Ugh.

    We're are not friends with the girl's parents, they are polite, but kind of standoffish and hard to get to know. It doesn't help that we are ten years older (at least) than they are. I've long been surprised that they let their daughter come over to our house to play so much, they never invite my son over...there's always an excuse about kitchen rennovations or something for why they can't play at her house. I'm kind of surprised that the girl is acting this way, as she's always been a bit of a tom boy, she plays ice hockey and likes to play boy games, with imagined battles and stuff. Though she's always dressed in super duper pinky girl clothing.

    We'll see. My son called her house last night, got her mother on the phone and asked if she could come over to play today. The mother said "Sure, how about noon?", without consulting the girl. I'm not sure the girl has told her mother what's going on, so we'll see what happens. Could be she's perfectly willing to play away from school where the other boy can't see her. Sigh.

    I missed all this stuff (thankfully!), as I was in a single sex school all the way through high school, no boy drama when there are no boys! That, plus spending all my spare time at the barn (no boys there either, as usual), meant I never had to deal with this until I was in college and mature enough to handle it. And, having grown up in a mostly male family, with only brothers, meant that boys just weren't that big a deal/mystery to me, they are just people. I like the company of boys and men, I like their straight talk and lack of prissiness, but they aren't some holy grail or something to stress and fight over like the current media climate would have girls and women believe.


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  7. #7
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    The little girl could be getting flack from all the other little beyotches at school over being a tomboy and playing hockey and stuff. She could be trying to prove her girliness but "catching" a guy. Poor kid, sounds like an odd family
    From AliCat518 "Seriously, why would you NOT put fried chicken in your purse?!"



  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by rustbreeches View Post
    Yep, some girls are like this at a young age. I blame it on all the stupid Disney tween shows that are nothing but drama. Clothing aimed at 10 year old girls looks just like clothing for teenagers. The world wants kids to grow up in a hurry.

    DD just turned 10, and is in 4th grade. When I hang out with her at lunch recess, there is a group of girls who sit on the edge of the playing fields and watch the boys play. Their hair is perfect, clothes perfect etc. That's all they do, sit there and talk and watch the boys play. Luckily DD and her group are the ones with grass stains hanging upside down on the monkey bars with their underwear showing because they just don't care yet. She actually had more boys than girls show up to her birthday party this year.

    I agree that if you are friends with his girl's parents, talk to them about it. She is setting herself up for a worrisome future if she is already changing the way she acts to appeal to a boy. That isn't healthy
    Some parents think it IS healthy, either that or they really don't have a clue what their kids are watching and absorbing on those shows. I

    've been talking to a friend of mne at work who is having problems with her step child, same age as mine,16 at the time, and the two kids think entirely differently. Mine doesn't have a life (her words) and is an A student, broke up with her boyfriend because he didn't have any goals (except video games). My coworker's kid has had a parade of boyfriends and relatonships, gets so-so grades, but her goal in life is to be defined by somebody else - not just to be a helpmate for someone with goals and aspirations but to be Mrs - well maybe not even that, she wants to have a happy family with a mom and maybe a dad. She says she wants to be a nurse and she does volunteer at the VA hospital, where she spends all her time talking about her boyfriends that she has at the hospital and not so much time learning procedure ,or caring for someone who isn't a "boyfriend", or taking classes and working towards a goal of nursing. She has a captive audience I guess.

    I feel for your boy and I really feel sorry for that girl sitting there denying a friendship and trying to lure . . .what? And how?

    Anyway this OP isn't about the girl but how to deal with the boy's feelings about that classic "mean girl" manipulation and unfortunately I have no good advice - the parents? only maybe can they help.
    Courageous Weenie Eventer Wannabe
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  9. #9
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    Default

    So, the girl did come over to play today. She's been here for 4.5 hours already and they are having a fine time. DH and I took the kids for a long hike in the woods and the kids were pretending they were dragons and building a nest on top of this HUGE tall rock that they had to scale with their nest materials . Then they dyed a bunch of eggs, which her mother apparently wouldn't let her do at home, so she was happy to find that on the agenda. Now, they are outside playing a fantasy battle game with Nerf guns.

    My son feels better, in that he's reassured that his friend still likes him. But, I heard him ask her if she'd play an ongoing fantasy/role playing game that he and another friend of theirs have been playing outside at after school. She says "I don't think so, it depends on what's going on". He asked her, "It depends on what is going on in the game? We can change it around if you want." and she said, "No, it depends on what's going on in real life". So, she likely fully intends to blow him off in public if crush boy is around...hopefully she'll at least talk to him at school.

    The reason they were friends in the first place is that they both really like to make up fantasy worlds and stories and act out the characters, she's apparently too embarrassed to do that in front of the crush boy, who is more of a jock type. Ugh. I hope, for her sake, that, when she is older, she doesn't become one of those girls who pretends to be someone they aren't to attract boys...you don't get good boys that way .


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  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Canaqua View Post
    My son feels better, in that he's reassured that his friend still likes him. But, I heard him ask her if she'd play an ongoing fantasy/role playing game that he and another friend of theirs have been playing outside at after school. She says "I don't think so, it depends on what's going on". He asked her, "It depends on what is going on in the game? We can change it around if you want." and she said, "No, it depends on what's going on in real life". So, she likely fully intends to blow him off in public if crush boy is around...hopefully she'll at least talk to him at school.
    She'll learn soon enough that blowing off her true friends won't make them want to stick around for long. I hope she learns that, but without hurting your son in the process. If she doesn't, it will come back to bite her in the butt. There are plenty of girls in my class just like her (only older and worse )
    If i smell like peppermint, I gave my horse treats.
    If I smell like shampoo, I gave my horse a bath.
    If I smell like manure, I tripped.



  11. #11
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    It's going to get worse. Our middle school starts in 6th grade, once my daughter started going there- it seemed there was a friend conflict Every. Single. Day.
    There were times I wanted to get in my car, drive to so and so's house and smack her in the mouth for stuff said to my daughter. You can't do it. They have to figure it out for themselves. It will tear you up inside. Best thing you can do is explain to your own kid that people are changing and exploring new friendships. Keep him involved with a variety of kids so he has a pool to find friends and doesn't rely on just one group. They say they get it figured out somewhat in high school, we'll see!!!
    Kerri


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  12. #12
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    OMG
    This is called life and parents should not solve these conflicts for their children. He will work all this out, do NOT get involved.
    Let me put it this way, do you want to raise a person who wants mommy to take care of all his problems.
    NO, let me answer for all of us.



  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by xeroxchick View Post
    OMG
    This is called life and parents should not solve these conflicts for their children. He will work all this out, do NOT get involved.
    Let me put it this way, do you want to raise a person who wants mommy to take care of all his problems.
    NO, let me answer for all of us.
    Are people really this hard of reading?

    The OP is supporting her son when he's worried about losing his best friend. She can't force the best friend to do anything anyway.



  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by kasjordan View Post
    It's going to get worse. Our middle school starts in 6th grade, once my daughter started going there- it seemed there was a friend conflict Every. Single. Day.
    There were times I wanted to get in my car, drive to so and so's house and smack her in the mouth for stuff said to my daughter. You can't do it. They have to figure it out for themselves. It will tear you up inside. Best thing you can do is explain to your own kid that people are changing and exploring new friendships. Keep him involved with a variety of kids so he has a pool to find friends and doesn't rely on just one group. They say they get it figured out somewhat in high school, we'll see!!!
    It does settle down in mid high school! My older son is 23 . I was telling the younger one that the other day, that most (not all) kids become more tolerant and accepting of peer differences, and a bit more mature, at 15-16 or so.

    Middle school starts here in 6th grade too, so it's off to middle school for the younger boy next year. My older one did pretty well, he's an independent guy and, as long as he had his handful of close friends, he really didn't care much what the other kids thought, said or did. The younger one is a bit more sensitive, but he's also someone who doesn't feel a great need to "fit in", thankfully. He is just more easily hurt by random insults than the older.

    This is his first experience with being effectively shut out by a formerly close friend, it won't be the last, but hopefully, he'll learn something and come out stronger for it.

    College was the best!! My older son was happy enough in high school, he had his group of friends and largely ignored the popular kids who were always jockeying for social position. He went to a small liberal arts college in the Midwest. He got there and said, "This is awesome...everyone here is like me!"...meaning they weren't like any one else, had no intention of being like any one else and were independent thinkers who weren't really concerned about social status.



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