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  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by horsecrazy12 View Post
    I need some advice.

    All throughout the time I have owned my horse, my trainer has always given her a lot of grief. I would regularly get calls about bad behavior my mare had been up to, how she had broken a fence board, played too roughly with another horse or something else that all horses do. Even though I've been a paying customer all this time, I regularly get phone calls about things my mare has done. Recently, I decided I was going to sell my horse as I didn't have much time for her anymore. Even though my trainer helped pic her out for me initially, she insists my mare in dangerous, regularly calls her mean names and embarrasses me and my horse in front of crowds of people by calling her an ***hole and not caring what happens to her. It's beyond me why I continue to maintain this relationship with my trainer, because I could find the same quality of riding without the burden of going home feeling like garbage all the time. Not only did it make horse ownership a nightmare, it has also made the selling process a nightmare. I'm paying full price (what everyone else pays) for training and still I have to hear lip and excuses that other customers don't.

    (...)

    I just wanted to know am I exaggerating the situation or is this something I really need to address? Do all trainer treat their clients like this? Is it normal for me to get calls about how 'bad' my horse is when I am paying full board at a full care facility? I guess I should mention that she really ins't a bad horse. She doesn't have a mean bone in her body...and my trainers horses are a lot more burdensome or dangerous than my horse is. I often have issues with her horses when I'm looking after them and never do I call up to complain or say "you have to do something about it". I feel that if I were in this situation I might tell the student/boarder/client the issues with their horse, but as the TRAINER that is being PAID exponential amounts of money per month I ought to take it upon myself to figure a strategy to deal with it.

    I feel like if she couldn't handle my mare, then she should have told me years ago and if my mare is such an ***hole then why is this the horse she ultimately picked for me to consider buying in the first place?

    I'm just puzzled, upset and in need of a good shoulder, but as I can't get that here, I am in desperate need of someones advice
    Pay Attention to what people here are telling you. Time to move on. Good people don't treat their fellows like that. And no, all Trainers DON'T Treat People Like That!

    The best thing I ever learned, when I finally took it to heart was "God didn't put me on this earth to be someone else's doormat!" And you're not HER DOORMAT.

    Move on.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  2. #22
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    For a lot of us, a long time trainer is the only adult we have any kind of long term relationship with outside parents or spouses. That makes it almost like a divorce when thinking about moving.

    But it's not a divorce, it's simply ending an unsatisfactory business relationship YOU are financing and allowing to continue.

    Trainers job is to motivate, coach and train. Anything less should not be acceptable. Plus that, most adults think of the barn as their oasis where they are always welcome to enjoy a stress free break from real life.

    I would find another barn, even if only temporary, and give notice. Never surround yourself with anybody who delights in pulling you down and blaming a dumb animal she selected for you, and is not helping you sell, for being a dumb animal.

    Nobody needs to be treated like that, much less pay for it. Get away from that, you may find you enjoy your barn time after all. New trainer can market the horse in a more positive fashion and not vocally blame it and you for every cracked board- that mare knows she hates her too.
    When opportunity knocks it's wearing overalls and looks like work.

    The horse world. Two people. Three opinions.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  3. #23
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    Feb. 19, 2013
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    Quote Originally Posted by psb View Post
    Move your horse and get a good trainer. You may be suprised how fast your relationship with your horse will turn around with the right person teaching you.
    Ditto. I have a mare that I didn't buy through my trainer (found her through a pony club connections). When I started taking her to lessons the trainer didn't know what to do with her or how to help me figure her out. She had been taught if she bucked then she would be put away with the previous owner and I got to work those issues out. It didn't take me long to figure out I needed a different trainer. I've had the mare for 12 wonderful years now and she will die on my farm.



  4. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by horsecrazy12 View Post
    I need some advice.

    All throughout the time I have owned my horse, my trainer has always given her a lot of grief. I would regularly get calls about bad behavior my mare had been up to, how she had broken a fence board, played too roughly with another horse or something else that all horses do.

    What is regular? Once a month when she hasn't seen you for a while to let you know what your horse is up to, or every night, once a week?
    Broke a fence board roughhousing, or broke it with uncontrollable kicking?
    Playing too roughly, scratching eachother up? Or playing to roughly, as in regularly double-barreling every horse she is turned out with?


    Even though I've been a paying customer all this time, I regularly get phone calls about things my mare has done.

    Again, what is regular to you? Is this after you have spoken to her at the barn, or is she informing you of your horses activities when she hasn't spoken to you in a while? Some people get irritated if the BO doesn't keep them in the loop. Does she think she's being "cute", and you are taking it personally?


    Recently, I decided I was going to sell my horse as I didn't have much time for her anymore. Even though my trainer helped pic her out for me initially, she insists my mare in dangerous, regularly calls her mean names and embarrasses me and my horse in front of crowds of people by calling her an ***hole and not caring what happens to her.

    Is this her personality with all horses, or just yours? How does she embarrass your horse? What do you mean by "not caring what happens to her?" Does she state that, or?


    It's beyond me why I continue to maintain this relationship with my trainer, because I could find the same quality of riding without the burden of going home feeling like garbage all the time. Not only did it make horse ownership a nightmare, it has also made the selling process a nightmare. I'm paying full price (what everyone else pays) for training and still I have to hear lip and excuses that other customers don't.

    How do you know the other customers don't get regular calls? What do you mean by "lip"? By "excuses"? This can mean different things to different people. How long has she given you "lip and excuses"?

    I guess I should relay some history, that I have been riding with this trainer for my whole riding career and that as a kid I would help her out at the farm doing manual work in exchange for lessons. She has always been a bit pushy and I can take her pushing me around, but I can't take her being mean to my animal. it really upsets me and makes me want to just quit riding all together!

    Is she like this with other horses? Was she like this the whole time, toward all horses?
    What do you mean by "mean"? Again, this can mean different things to different people; to some, mean is "she doesn't scratch him like he likes when he shoves his head in your face", to others it can mean "she whips him with a bike chain."


    I know as the owner I need to stand up to her. I'm an adult now, no longer a kid, and though our 'friendship' and business relationship has gone back many years, enough is enough.

    Yes, you do need to stand up for your horse. That is the responsibility of ownership.

    I just wanted to know am I exaggerating the situation or is this something I really need to address?

    That is why I asked the above questions; what is upsetting to you may be normal to others, or it may be incredibly out of line.

    Do all trainer treat their clients like this? Is it normal for me to get calls about how 'bad' my horse is when I am paying full board at a full care facility?

    If your horse was truly "bad" as in mean, spoiled rotten, or impossible to handle, yes, even as a full boarder you should be told that there is an issue with your horse. Do you just want the BO to handle it however they see fit with no input at all from the owner?

    I guess I should mention that she really ins't a bad horse.



    She doesn't have a mean bone in her body...and my trainers horses are a lot more burdensome or dangerous than my horse is. I often have issues with her horses when I'm looking after them and never do I call up to complain or say "you have to do something about it".

    If they are acting dangerously, then you should be letting the owner know that there is an issue, and that something needs to be done to keep everyone safe.

    I feel that if I were in this situation I might tell the student/boarder/client the issues with their horse, but as the TRAINER that is being PAID exponential amounts of money per month I ought to take it upon myself to figure a strategy to deal with it.

    Yes, but a trainer should also be discussing it with the owner, discussing what needs to be done and how they plan on dealing with it.
    And what is an "exponential" amount of money? Expensive for the area, average, or cheaper than anyone else in the area? It may be expenseive to you, but you may be paying for the bottom of the barrel trainer.


    I feel like if she couldn't handle my mare, then she should have told me years ago and if my mare is such an ***hole then why is this the horse she ultimately picked for me to consider buying in the first place?

    How long did she know the horse before suggesting her? Has the horse's attitude changed? Is she telling you that she can't handle her, or telling you that the mare is a b!tch?

    I'm just puzzled, upset and in need of a good shoulder, but as I can't get that here, I am in desperate need of someones advice
    I'm not trying to be hard on you, just bolded some answers to show you that it is hard to read the entire situation from one post.

    The end result is you aren't happy, haven't been happy, and need to make some changes.
    I do suggest some lessons with other trainers in your area before deciding that maybe horses aren't for you: you might get that joy back with a different trainer.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  5. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by SharonA View Post
    There have been other posts recently about trainers who left the rider questioning their horse and questioning their feelings about riding. I want to make sure and say, "That is not how it is supposed to be."

    I think many of us have days (or several days, or a week, or...) when we don't have huge motivation to ride. But, in four years of lessons with my trainer, lessons leave me feeling, "I love my horse, and I love this stuff." My trainer may occasionally gently tease me about my entrenched habits left over from learning to ride 40 years ago, or may gently joke about my horse's opinionatedness, but she has never, ever, ever made me feel badly about my riding or about my quite mediocre but perfect in my eyes horse. Again, she always, always makes it feel positive, fun, and constructive. If we're not getting anywhere, she tells me what's going on and how and when we'll get past it. I am not a great rider and she has students who are way more advanced and have way nicer horses, but she is absolutely behind us, regardless. That is what a trainer should be.

    Come to think of it, why am I on the computer? Where is the phone? I gotta go call her and sign up for two lessons a week instead of one. :-)
    Mine is sort of like that. I learned as a girl from the REAL ole-timer cowboys. Western, neck-reining, sit-n-stick, and nothing that one could call formal education.

    I'm learning English now and she is teaching me the finer points (Right rein, left leg - At the girth, behind the girth...) Sometimes she catches me doing a one hand rein hold on an off track thoroughbred jumper. She says I do it unconsciously. Must be right, 'cause it keeps happening! So I'm working on that. I pay for my lessons 10 at a time and I'm happy to do it. My ride with her is the high point of my week, and I've told her that on many occasions. I'm becoming stronger, losing weight and have a better outlook on life in general than I had before I decided to haul my butt back into a saddle. My father died from complications of Diabetes. My Mom died of a stroke. They both might have benefited from more exercise. My friends who ride TWH, because they are so "easy" to ride, well, I think they are losing out on the cardio workout I get by posting to trot. but that's just me.

    Riding should be a joy.

    My advice to the OP? Gal, Do whatever you have to do to bring back the joy. And don't stop riding.



  6. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by horsecrazy12 View Post
    I do have a large amount of people interested in her, so I will continue to sell her. I need a bit of a break myself. Time to re-establish my finances, figure out my career path and some time to travel and explore a bit. If these potential buyers I have right now fall through, then I will definitely be moving her to another barn with another trainer
    That's an excuse. Leave now. If your trainer is malicious, or even just controlling, there will ALWAYS be "another interested buyer" that needs this or that before the deal falls through. You could be there and be miserable, and your horse could be miserable, for as long as your pocketbook can stand it.
    Courageous Weenie Eventer Wannabe
    Incredible Invisible


    8 members found this post helpful.

  7. #27
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    Jun. 7, 2008
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    You need to develop a spine, get your mare out of that toxic environment, then seek help from a mental health professional as to why you have been so spineless and passive, allowing your horse to be verbally, emotionally and possibly physically abused by this so-called 'trainer', plus why you have so little self-regard that you have tolerated this emotional abuse. It needs to stop now, you need to remove yourself and your horse from there now. Get going, and be sure to let us know when you have gotten out so we can congratulate you for taking some positive action to end that abuse.
    Jeanie
    RIP Sasha, best dog ever, pictured shortly before she died, Death either by euthanasia or natural causes is only the end of the animal inhabiting its body; I believe the spirit lives on.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  8. #28
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    Feb. 12, 2002
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    CA
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    Tell the trainer that since she thinks so little of the horse, you don't feel that she can represent her well, and you've gotten to the point where she's made it clear to you that the whole situation is just not working - so you've arranged to have someone else take over. Hopefully she hasn't gotten you locked into some super restrictive contract.
    Trainers job is to motivate, coach and train. Anything less should not be acceptable. Plus that, most adults think of the barn as their oasis where they are always welcome to enjoy a stress free break from real life.

    I would find another barn, even if only temporary, and give notice. Never surround yourself with anybody who delights in pulling you down and blaming a dumb animal she selected for you, and is not helping you sell, for being a dumb animal.

    Nobody needs to be treated like that, much less pay for it. Get away from that, you may find you enjoy your barn time after all. New trainer can market the horse in a more positive fashion and not vocally blame it and you for every cracked board- that mare knows she hates her too.
    Yup. All of the above. Get out of that barn asap, even if it takes you a while to find a new trainer.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  9. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReSomething View Post
    That's an excuse. Leave now. If your trainer is malicious, or even just controlling, there will ALWAYS be "another interested buyer" that needs this or that before the deal falls through. You could be there and be miserable, and your horse could be miserable, for as long as your pocketbook can stand it.
    This is absolutely right on the money. The OP has already said that she is not doing well with the mare and the last time she rode the horse was a disaster. So, who is showing the horse to the the prospective buyers? Who is demo riding? The trainer, who doesn't like the horse is handling the sale? Gee whiz, I wonder if the horse will ever sell or maybe the trainer will just suggest the OP gives her away because she is so badl

    Nothing wrong with selling the horse. Take the horse elsewhere to a trainer who can do it. It is unlikely to happen at the current barn.
    Where Norwegian Fjords Rule
    http://www.ironwood-farm.com


    2 members found this post helpful.

  10. #30
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    Thought about this last night a bit. I don't think OP needs to run to a shrink but would like to ask OP to do 2 things.

    First, make a list of 5 reasons to stay at barn including trainer. Then a list of 5 reasons to leave including trainer. When you read them, it will help you sort this out.

    Second, you need to talk to a responsible/trusted adult about how you feel you are being treated and what you should do here. Probably not a parent, they are too close. I have a real problem with trainer making remarks in front of others who then sit there and listen without offering you any support even privately. Horrible no matter if trainer is just an insensitive jerk and OP overly sensitive. It's not right.

    I have known about 3 trainers over the years like this. I was with 1 of them too long because I thought it was me and my "crappy"horse- no, it was them. Have observed two others. Turned out all 3 had something in common, They were drunks. Couldn't tell, they hid it well. But sooner or latter you connect the dots on the breath mints, long lunches, missed/latelessons with no explanation, billing for training that does not get done the blaming the horse, mood swings and erratic behavior. Classic addict behavior ( I got some in my family, on e you experience it, it's easier to recognize). Sometimes there is a reason people don't have and cant keep regular jobs. Beware.

    Basic horse care is acceptable or better at about 80% of boarding facilities. Personalities vary but I'd bet you would do better at most of those other barns and owe it to yourself to get out of what is a toxic relationship with that trainer even if she is stone cold sober, Get your horse out too.
    When opportunity knocks it's wearing overalls and looks like work.

    The horse world. Two people. Three opinions.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  11. #31
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    I'd certainly move her now, and find someone who doesn't have such a bad attitude toward her to help you sell her. If your trainer hates your horse that much, she'll hardly be able to help her shine when showing her to buyers.

    The situation sounds bizarre to me...if the horse were TRULY that dangerous, a good trainer would be upfront that they didn't think they could handle the horse, or help her, and ask to you to move on...not just make constant, obnoxious, comments about her. Do you think maybe your trainer is badmouthing your horse, hoping you'll buy a new one, so she can collect another commission?


    3 members found this post helpful.

  12. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by IronwoodFarm View Post
    This is absolutely right on the money. The OP has already said that she is not doing well with the mare and the last time she rode the horse was a disaster. So, who is showing the horse to the the prospective buyers? Who is demo riding? The trainer, who doesn't like the horse is handling the sale? Gee whiz, I wonder if the horse will ever sell or maybe the trainer will just suggest the OP gives her away because she is so badl
    Another possibility is: "Oh, I can just take the horse off your hands for nothing, because it's such a bad horse and we haven't been able to sell it!"

    Quote Originally Posted by IronwoodFarm View Post
    Nothing wrong with selling the horse. Take the horse elsewhere to a trainer who can do it. It is unlikely to happen at the current barn.
    Okay to sell?? Yes, BUT. The issue needs to be resolved as to if the horse is reacting to someone who is hostile or not. They are very sensitive. Another trainer may turn this one into a jewel. Then you can sell for more $$$.

    But I still say keep riding and find your joy again. The biggest mistake I ever made was to quit riding. I missed out so much during those years...



  13. #33
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    I could swear I know you and the instructor/trainer in question. I'm sure I don't, but your situation reminds me so much of a fellow student's that I wonder . . . why trainers think they can get away with this. Oh, right. We let them.

    I really don't have much to add that others haven't already said, except hugs and jingles that you and your mare get out of this abusive situation as quickly and painlessly as possible. If you've been in a ten-year relationship with this person, then getting out will not be easy. Be prepared for a screaming match, and other unprofessional behavior. In fact, I think I would have a place lined up to move her to already, because let's face it, who knows what this person might do to your mare after you give 30 days notice? You might need to pay double board for a month, but I would not, personally, leave my horse in the care of someone who obviously thinks so little of her.


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  14. #34
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    Mar. 22, 2013
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    I really appreciate all the replies. Things have been rough for me and I need to be able to enjoy riding again. I've done it for long enough that it isn't just a phase for me. Everyone is 100% dead on about me needing to develop a spine. I can say "no" or "I don't think so" to just about anyone besides my trainer. I don't know why...maybe because I looked up to her so much as a child and now that I'm an adult I'm seeing things that I didn't see before. I know that other may thing I'm being over dramatic, but my trainer is getting close to $1000 out of me a month, calls me to complain about my horse and once (after my horse spooked at something) handed her back to me and told me to put her back in the barn, she doesn't care what happens to her. There's more components to that story besides that statement...like how my trainer didn't ride the spook through and treated me as her groom even though my contributions are putting food on her table and in her horses belly's.

    I need to be tougher...if not for my sake, then for my horses sake, as it truly saddens me to see her being treated as the nut-job of the barn when in fact she is probably the calmest one out there except for another gelding. I plan to make a list of pro's and con's and seriously consider whether or not I want to sell her. I don't want to look back in a few years and regret the sale, when all it could have taken to get us back on track was a second opinion and a new pair of eyes


    6 members found this post helpful.

  15. #35
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    Any trainer who hands you back a horse, because it spooks, is no trainer in my book. That's what trainers are supposed to be for... helping you AND the horse get past problems.
    It doesn't sound like she's much of a trainer, at all, and real A@@ on top of it.
    Anyone can hang up a shingle and call themselves a trainer. The proof is in the progress and happiness of both horse and rider.

    It sucks when idols end up having clay feet, but that's just part of growing up. We see the truth and it can be disappointing and ugly. It can also make us feel like fools, feeling stupid for poor character judgement and trusting those that didn't deserve it. You're not alone. It happens to all of us, and will continue, throughout our lives. The thing to do is chalk it up to "lesson learned" and move on and up to a better place for you and your horse.
    Take heart.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  16. #36
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    I'm one of the posters last week who asked for help and advice about my trainer not getting along with my horse. Everyone was AMAZING with the replies for me too.

    There is not much more I can add to everyone's posts other than it is very difficult, no matter the age, to cut ties with something that has as many tentacles as the relationship with a horse trainer. However, at the end of the day, it is less about hurt feelings and confrontation as what the right thing to do for the horse is and ultimately what the right thing for you is.

    Based on remembering that I have a damn good head on my shoulders, was trained by amazing person when I was a teen, never had lame horses, drama, or issues before my current barn and training situation... I am very, very quietly looking for a new barn and trainer. The only person who has issues with my horse is my trainer and it's not pretty, so I am making the changes for us as soon as I can with the least drama and gossip possible.

    I actually get the same texts, calls and "heads up" that you do and rarely with anything positive. When I am at the barn, my mare is great and I have no issues. Kind of makes me feel nuts and unfortunately in my case I think my trainer likes to keep her students feeling a little dumb and put down because then she has control. Took my two months, my horse getting hit and starting to rear, but I'm choosing to shut it down ASAP with this person because when I read my own post, I decided I was the crazy one if I stayed.

    My advice is quietly talk to others, see what your options are and then make a decision. Its hard to know pros and cons unless you know what you could be moving toward. If it helps, think of it as moving towards something new and exciting and full of possibilities rather than running away or giving up on something.

    In the last week I quietly started doing that and I feel so much better because there are people out there who mesh better with me, have the same outlook as I do and have phenomenal references and credentials. It's going to take a bit to get into a better barn, but I'm starting to work on those relationships quietly as well.

    I wish you the best in your decision and hope you get the opportunity to move or try something different. I know it's tough and I am right there with you. I hope you don't have to sell, but at the end of all this you will make the best decision for both of you with the best information you can get and ultimately it will be the right one.

    GOOD LUCK!!!


    5 members found this post helpful.

  17. #37
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    I imagine your mare is just as miserable with the "trainer" as you are. End this toxic relationship for both your sakes.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  18. #38
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    horsecrazy, what are you waiting for? I agree with all of the posters who have urged you to leave immediately. If this trainer is so verbally abusive to you, hates the horse that she helped you purchase (what's with that?) and you say that she's pushy, how do you know that some of your horse's behavior isn't caused by the environment she's living in?

    Also, I wonder if some of your lack of interest in your horse stems from the horrible, toxic atmosphere at the barn. Who would want to go to a place where the trainer is so nasty?

    I would urge you to move your horse...yesterday! and find a trainer that can do these things:
    make you feel welcome
    make a thorough evaluation of your horse, understanding that your horse is coming out of a terrible situation
    help you try to find out if perhaps there is a connection between you and your horse that was destroyed by the bad trainer
    If it's still not a fit, a good trainer can help bring out the best in your horse in hopes of finding a better buyer, thus more $ in your pocket.

    It really sounds like the horrible trainer has taken all your joy out of owning your horse and the sport in general. I hope finding a different trainer will repair that, plus your horse deserves a better living situation. Best of luck to you.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  19. #39
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    1. A trainer can make you afraid of your own horse. This may not be any reflection on your horse. This may do a serious number on your head. Of course it is up to you whether you're going to sell your horse, but I suggest that getting your head right with your horse will at least make her a better prospect.

    2. Do you see my signature? It's hilarious, but also unfortunately you will run into people who like your horse (in this case) and will try to convince you it's garbage so they'll get it for a song. Been there, had that.

    Paula
    He is total garbage! Quick! Hide him on my trailer (Petstorejunkie).


    3 members found this post helpful.

  20. #40
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    I woud be curious to see how you and your horse do with another trainer. Your nervousness and the trainer's negativity must be part of the issue you are having. would take her off the market now. Find a reputable trainer (through friends, breed associations) and take your time visiting the training barns. Ask to watch a lesson. Walk down the barn aisles. Make sure the horses are generally calm and relaxed. You need a positive person. All this negativity could be affecting your relationship with your horse.

    Your currant trainer doesn't like your horse. It happens. But you need a fresh look. Perhaps you both would be happier doing something different for awhile. Keep your mind open and find a good trainer match for you both.


    2 members found this post helpful.

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