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  1. #41
    Join Date
    Oct. 25, 2010
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    195

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    CDE Driver, Im so sorry that happened to you. My mother and father split for similar reasons which is why most of the time I can hold my tongue or say the proper bs.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  2. #42
    Join Date
    Sep. 16, 2008
    Posts
    410

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    I feel for the OP, sounds like the MIL is one of those people that needs everything to be about her all the time. It gets annoying and sometimes these people need a wake up call. Glad the OP did not just say what MIL wanted to hear.
    Impossible is nothing.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  3. #43
    Join Date
    Aug. 12, 2010
    Location
    Westford, Massachusetts
    Posts
    3,655

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    Quote Originally Posted by TwoBrooksFarm View Post
    I think part of the problem is our personalities clash strongly. I'm a very strong self sufficient woman, I tend to internalize my feelings instead of flaunting them because I think flaunting them just makes me look either like I'm weak or trying to get attention. I will discuss issues one on one with people but I don't like getting in arguments when anyone else is around not because of some social rule but because I don't think its anyone's business. (yes I am a Scorpio for anyone who follows that) She on the other hand wants to talk about EVERYTHING she is feeling ALL. THE. TIME. She wants to analyze and dissect meaningless comments from last year to truely understand what was meant by that particular phrase in case it means we have some issue with her. I try to be okay with this for a while but part of me just wants to shake her and say 'Snap out of it'!
    I'm very much like you (Cancer with a powerful Scorpio ascendant if we're talking astrology ). I do find it very trying to deal with drama queens and manipulators. It is soooo tempting to start judging them and thinking "Gee, why can't they just suck it up and put on the stoic face like I do!?!". I desperately want to blast them about the unnecessary drama. But, that never works, it just makes things worse, of course. So, since I can't do that, my goal is to get them off my case and away from me as soon as possible...often meaning I give them what they want. "Ohhhh noooo, that is so terrible! I feel so sorry for you! What a strong and wonderful person you must be to have dealt with that so successfully!". The last bit being an attempt to pressure them into behaving better by implying they HAVE solved their issue. Sometimes helps, sometimes doen't.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  4. #44
    Join Date
    Jul. 31, 2007
    Posts
    15,186

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    I think you and MIL have different styles, and that you have contempt for hers-- women who "flaunt" their feelings and look weak. Also, you think you get a "get out of jail free" card because you kept silent at her remark about her shitty childhood. You did that, you say, because you didn't know what to say.

    Didn't know what to say to someone expressing pain, however inconvenient to you? You empathize. From your account, the reason she goaded you into saying something is because you didn't do that.

    If you choose to stay pissed about this, then I think you and MIL deserve each other.
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat


    5 members found this post helpful.

  5. #45
    Join Date
    Oct. 25, 2010
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    195

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    MVP, that is a very interesting point of view.



  6. #46
    Join Date
    Oct. 15, 2001
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    4,705

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    Quote Originally Posted by mvp View Post
    I think you and MIL have different styles, and that you have contempt for hers-- women who "flaunt" their feelings and look weak. Also, you think you get a "get out of jail free" card because you kept silent at her remark about her shitty childhood. You did that, you say, because you didn't know what to say.

    Didn't know what to say to someone expressing pain, however inconvenient to you? You empathize. From your account, the reason she goaded you into saying something is because you didn't do that.
    My mother is one of these people who has no filter about her emotions and absolutely no boundaries regardless of the person she is talking to. And something is always wrong or she is always sad or someone is always getting something she doesn't have and is bitter about it.

    It is DRAINING. I mean, suck the life out of you draining. She is a 65-year old woman with the emotional development of a teenager and no regard for other people, except when they have something to offer her.

    I empathize with the OP, when someone always always needs something or somehow needs to be the center of attention (oh, like when my mother brought out champagne to celebrate our engagement before my now-husband had actually proposed, after he had specifically requested they not say anything), it is like death by a thousand cuts.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  7. #47
    Join Date
    Aug. 2, 2004
    Location
    Whidbey Is, Wash.
    Posts
    9,724

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    Quote Originally Posted by fordtraktor View Post
    it's the relentless, constant destruction of the peace that leads me to lack any patience for the smallest holiday drama from her.
    This. The degradation of happiness....


    MIL was bound and determined to get recognition for her pain, no matter how friggin' inappropriate she was being, and OP didn't want to play along. OP, I get you. Is ti easier to "play along"?? Sure. But honestly, after dealing with it, why waste the damn emotion energy? DH calls my mother an emotional vampire, and it probably fits here also.
    Aisha, my heart from 03/06/1986 to 08/22/2008.

    COTH's official mini-donk enabler.
    Odie, aka the Evil Burrito, is on Facebook.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  8. #48
    Join Date
    Mar. 12, 2006
    Location
    Ocala
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    1,233

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    She sounds like a lunatic. I wonder if the story is even true.



  9. #49
    Join Date
    Feb. 25, 2012
    Location
    Montana
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    2,458

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    Well my MIL was awesome (died recently) but a former partner had a mother who was awful.

    Her:Im so glad you're a shrink. Bob needs that in his life.
    Me: ?? Oh, he's taught me so much. he is a great guy.
    Her: i've always wanted to really talk to him, you know, about important things.
    Me (stupidly not asking what): oh? that's a good idea. My mom andn I have had some great discussions about past issues now that Im grown!
    Her: Oh good! Yes, i've always wanted to tell him he really was't wanted. We adored our first child, and of course Bill (younger bro) but we just didn't really want him. Then of course he wrote that awful poetry as a teen...always wanted to talk to him about that.He's been such a disappointment....


    Then later she shared (to both of us) things such as that she wished she ran over me with a car (after I drove Bob down to see her, a day's drive out of our way home, so he could spend some time with her). She would send Bob little notices/articles for "Lila's emotional problems"...

    At first, I fought, I railed. I could NOT believe she could be so awful. I hated that he even SPOKE to her. I told him he needed to GROW UP. And then, one night talking to a friend, I was reminded that he really was in the middle, had no idea what to do, and loved her. She was his MOM. I got in bed with him and told him that I wish I had a do-over. That he didnot have to select between me or her. I understood she loved him and he loved her and he loved me too! It didn't matter what she thought of me, just that she loved him. He was crying he was so grateful. I felt like such a shit for having made it into WWIII. but of course, he did support me!

    Your MIL sounds like a manipulative bitch. Its not about you, its her. Limit your exposure. Vent to friends! Be queen of your castle and respectful of hers. Work to make sure you and your husband are allies! Worked for me!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  10. #50
    Join Date
    Feb. 28, 2006
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    The rocky part of KY
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    9,301

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    Quote Originally Posted by halo View Post
    She sounds like a lunatic. I wonder if the story is even true.
    They say truth is stranger than fiction.
    Courageous Weenie Eventer Wannabe
    Incredible Invisible



  11. #51
    Join Date
    Oct. 25, 2010
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    195

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    I actually think her story is true. I've met her mother and know how she can be. My husband had majorly cut his grandmother out of his life due to her manipulative ways. His other seems to have learned a few things from her mother.



  12. #52
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    Feb. 27, 2004
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    My MIL use to tell about how the only thing her grandmother ever gave her was a soda cracker. We were different and thank goodness she knew I had a mother and don't want another and she had daughters and had no need for one more. We had our boundaries which each of us respected. I always said we had 4 things in common, my husband and 3 kids.

    Maybe next time you can say something like " that must have been awful for you. Good thing she's gone and we don't have to worry about anyone else's birthday being ruined" But maybe that isn't subtle enough. Just try to set some boundaries and have your DH on the same page.


    1 members found this post helpful.

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