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  1. #21
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    Oct. 25, 2010
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    In the light of day I know it would have been easier and probably better to just go with the flow but that time has passed. They are at church now (I havebbeen called the devil wife for not going along and for keeping my husband from going even though he hadn't been to church in years when we met) Hubby and I are good now and he said he was actually happy I said something as he was upset by her also but knows that saying anything just makes it worse. All will be well, this isn't the first massive argument and won't be the last.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  2. #22
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    Apr. 28, 2008
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    While OP's original story sounds maybe a bit out of proportion, it sounds like this is far from the first time MIL has made a special day difficult and all about her. I have a SIL who never fails to ruin each and every holiday. If you heard me complain about what she's done any particular day it might not sound so bad, but it's the relentless, constant destruction of the peace that leads me to lack any patience for the smallest holiday drama from her. I could easily see myself losing it over something others would find not a big deal.


    11 members found this post helpful.

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Oct. 28, 2007
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    Virginia
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    1,533

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    Quote Originally Posted by TwoBrooksFarm View Post
    Hmm. I think in my original post I said something along the lines of this is just a vent and really don't even need feedback. The title was just because they require one on this forum and I thought mine sounded clever.
    If you just want to vent, next time write it on a piece of paper then crumple it up and burn it!


    3 members found this post helpful.

  4. #24
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    Oct. 25, 2010
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    Ford- you get the situation exactly!


    2 members found this post helpful.

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Jul. 20, 1999
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    CA
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    I guess the question is: do you want to be right or do you want to be peaceful? It sounds like you rely on them for child care and you are very close to them geographically, by choice. You're not going to fix her now, especially not like that. Unless you and your husband want to cut some ties you'll likely have to keep playing her game.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  6. #26
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    Mar. 9, 2006
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    Chapel Hill, NC
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    I certainly think that this could have been handled a bit more tactfully by the OP, but I also understand how draining and tiresome dealing with someone like this is--in my case my toxic mother.

    What I do get tired of is when people (like the MIL) use their terrible childhood (sometimes genuinely really terrible) as fodder for basically everything that follows in their life. I had a seriously sh!tty childhood full of substance abuse, mental abuse, occasional physical abuse--things that could make one's head spin. I had a lot of therapy as a younger adult. I have NEVER used it as an excuse, I never bring it up (in the context of "poor me"--most of my friends have heard my story because they are curious why I say I have "no parents" when the are clearly alive...), and I for damn sure never put it on anyone else.

    Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, acknowledge what is crappy in this world, and MOVE FORWARD. I can grieve the childhood I never had, I can feel that pang of envy when I see a great mother-daughter relationship, but I can't make it central to how I live my life. She needs to do the same.
    From now on, ponyfixer, i'll include foot note references.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  7. #27
    Join Date
    Dec. 29, 2012
    Location
    La La Land
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    I said it once and I will say it again, thid kinda stuff is why I now just delete people from data base. I keep saying I didnt know how good life could be without these destructive toxic people in it, till I started getting rid of them.
    People say ''oh thats sad" when you tell them you are not on speaking terms with so and so. Well its not. Toxic people and their crap has taken my health due to their headgames and manipulation and I simply said no more. They never change, so I changed the scenery. Unless you have lived with this, you really dont know the toll it can take on you. The more toxic people I delete the more my health improves. They drain you and suck your will to live.
    I would tell you all my stories but that would be a novel.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  8. #28
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    Sep. 7, 2009
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    Lexington, KY
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    No sympathy from me...I actually have a whacko MIL...yours is a pale imitation.
    "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~Immanuel Kant


    3 members found this post helpful.

  9. #29
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    Mar. 25, 2012
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    238

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    I understand where your coming for OP. I am like you where I like to take y problems for what they're worth and be self efficient in findin the solution and moving on.

    Some people aren't like that, fine. I have no problem sitting an listening however the way she backed you into a corner and demanded you to call her a poor thing would have been my last straw as well.

    I would personally be honest but also constructive in finding a way to move on. You have to consider your daughter and husband too. Not a good position to be in!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  10. #30
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    Jun. 24, 2005
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    Alabama
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    I see it a little differently, because of things I've seen over the years, and some truly different personalities. I think the MIL sees every change or occasion as a rival for attention. I think the MIL saw the new baby and the pregnancy as a chance for others to get the attention, and not have it on her. I think it's kind of sibling rivalry, that applies to the attention others get. It's not about complaining, but the attention going to others. Actually, it sounds a lot like my former mother ( I think that phrase says it all), where everything centered about her, and no one else.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    1 members found this post helpful.

  11. #31
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    Feb. 28, 2006
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    The rocky part of KY
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    Quote Originally Posted by BLBGP View Post
    I guess the question is: do you want to be right or do you want to be peaceful? It sounds like you rely on them for child care and you are very close to them geographically, by choice. You're not going to fix her now, especially not like that. Unless you and your husband want to cut some ties you'll likely have to keep playing her game.
    Gotta tell ya this is true. Distance means exactly that, don't ask her to babysit and try to limit when you accept invitations. I used to invite my MIL out for Mother's Day and after year number three of having her be wierd, talking all about my wonderful SIL and finally inviting my SIL along as her freakin' escort I just quit. Much easier that way. MUCH.
    Courageous Weenie Eventer Wannabe
    Incredible Invisible



  12. #32
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    Nov. 1, 2001
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    Sounds like a lot of you have never had to deal with a MiL who like this. Well then you are lucky. If you feed her she just gets worse. And the problem isn't about the DiL anyway, it is about the relationship between mother and son.

    Hope you had a pleasant remainder of the evening 2BF.
    See those flying monkeys? They work for me.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  13. #33
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    Feb. 13, 2007
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    Down on the Farm
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    My MIL and I are barely on speaking terms. Just the pleasentries, but there is so much disfunction between her and my BIL I choose not to deal with either of them. Husband and I have tried to be helpful, giving great advice which falls on deaf ears and then she blames her problems on everyone else around her. I've let her have it a few times, speaking nothing but the truth about her enabling a 52 year old substance abuser of a son, and that did not go over well. So I've given up and the chips can fall where they may.

    Makes my life a whole lot easier. As for your MIL...I would buy her a big a$$ cake for her next birthday (like the three tier kind) and call it even steven.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  14. #34
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    Nov. 2, 2001
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    Packing my bags
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    Quote Originally Posted by Acertainsmile View Post
    My MIL and I are barely on speaking terms. Just the pleasentries, but there is so much disfunction between her and my BIL I choose not to deal with either of them. Husband and I have tried to be helpful, giving great advice which falls on deaf ears and then she blames her problems on everyone else around her. I've let her have it a few times, speaking nothing but the truth about her enabling a 52 year old substance abuser of a son, and that did not go over well. So I've given up and the chips can fall where they may.

    Makes my life a whole lot easier. As for your MIL...I would buy her a big a$$ cake for her next birthday (like the three tier kind) and call it even steven.
    what? only 3 tiers?
    Cheap skate.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  15. #35
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    Oct. 25, 2010
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    Pony fixer, I have the same philosophy. My mother and I dealt with so much while I was growing up ranging from a physically abusive alcoholic stepfather to a house fire to having to not go to my dream school in order to go to work right out of high school due to my mother having a stroke. We struggled, we pulled ourselves up, we made the best of it. I don't talk about all that for sympathy or compassion just to say I know what its like to have crap happen to you. When you are going through help you can either stop and roast or keep going and maybe get through it.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  16. #36
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    Mar. 19, 2010
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    318

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    Quote Originally Posted by fordtraktor View Post
    While OP's original story sounds maybe a bit out of proportion, it sounds like this is far from the first time MIL has made a special day difficult and all about her. I have a SIL who never fails to ruin each and every holiday. If you heard me complain about what she's done any particular day it might not sound so bad, but it's the relentless, constant destruction of the peace that leads me to lack any patience for the smallest holiday drama from her. I could easily see myself losing it over something others would find not a big deal.
    I absolutely agree it's the relentlessness of it. And the worst part is when you blow up everyone including yourself focus on the minor issue and is quick to tell you 'you are making a mountain out of a molehill' when the reality is you've been ignoring issue after issue and the MIL's agenda is to pick a fight or put the attention back on her.
    My MIL had grandchildren marry recently. At the three different weddings she tried to sabotage the day and make it all about her. The family has what is known as 'Granny Patrol' to keep her occupied an getting attention from somebody to avoid these sorts of incidents


    1 members found this post helpful.

  17. #37
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    Oct. 25, 2010
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    196

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    I think we should find a group of actors to hire for granny patrol!



  18. #38
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    Aug. 21, 2012
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    Having watched my own mother in many similar situations, I can only offer that I now suspect my mothers "problems" were directly related to hormones (lack there of)and aging. I wish I could turn back the clock and help her with more modern therapies. It was beyond frustrating to deal with her. I don't think your MIL will accept help from you if her problems are indeed age related, but at least you may gain understanding from it and perhaps protect yourself in the future.



  19. #39
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    Apr. 1, 2008
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    4,538

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    I understand you were venting.

    I also understand this might not be typical as it was a special occasion.

    That said, she is your husbands mother and you will have to learn better coping skills if you don't want this to happen again. Coping can mean canned responses, it can mean simply nodding and not saying anything or you can do what you did in the original post and have repeated blow ups.

    If this were at work, with a co worker, would you allow her to have this much influence on you or would you find a better coping strategy?

    If this were a friend, would you blow up at her, or would you do something different?

    When you allow your MIL to get under your skin, you are giving her permission to impact your life. I would not give her so much control of my feelings.



  20. #40
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    Oct. 23, 2004
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    Sisters, Oregon
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    I'm sorry you have to endure this OP. I agree about the relentlessness of it, it wears you down.

    My first marriage broke up over this. My ex husband would never, ever stand up to his Mother when she would say the most, well, amazingly mean and ugly things to me and about me. In my presence.
    The first few times I was gobsmacked that a person would say such things.
    Then I got angry.
    Ex and I talked about it, at length. Went to counseling.
    In the end it was more important to him to have peace with her than with me.

    I don't care what your background is, it's NOT okay to treat people badly.
    Kanoe Godby
    www.dyrkgodby.com
    See, I was raised by wolves and am really behind the 8-ball on diplomatic issue resolution.


    1 members found this post helpful.

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