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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct. 25, 2010
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    Question I dont get along with my MIL and need to vent.

    Sdo today is my husband's birthday and I surprise him with chocolates balloons and cards this morning not to mention a new iPod since his old one has been acting up. We drop the baby off at his parents house and head to a bird fair for a couple of hours. We had a great time and saw some amazing birds. We go back to his parents house to spend some time with them before they take us all out to dinner and his parents start up with a tremendous argument that makes me so uncomfortable I have to leave for a while. I takethat opportunity to feed my horses and let the pups out to potty and give the parrot some of the new toys we got.him before heading back over to go to dinner (we live 5 minutes away). Well at dinner his mother put.of the blue brings up a story about how her mother made a cake every year for all thekids exept her and how awful that was as a child to endure. Well, I didn't.really know how to.respond to that so I just said nothing and the meal continued without anymore.problems. on the way home however she brings it up again and asks if any of us would do that to my daughter. The two guys say no and how sorry they are she endured that and yada yada yada. I again say nothing and she then pushes me for an answer. I say no, my daughter will have a cake every year but say nothing else. Well, now she is trying the 'dont you think that was awful for me' BS. I again say nothing thinking she is being really rude bringing all this up on may husbands birthday.She then says the one thing you should never say to me. She asked why I didn't give her any compassion for all she's been through and wanted me to tell her 'what I really thought'. So I did. I said I thoughtshwas being extremely rude bringing that up onmy husbands birthday and maybe she should let the day be about him instead of her. She of course go into a tirade about how I could have just shown her a bit of compassion and would that have been so hard? At which I say she should show her son a bit since its his birthday. I of course am the evil cold b*&$#@ and never show her compassion. I of course have lost my cool as its now an hour past my daughter's bedtime and are still arguing so I said something along the lines of 'Do you want me to bake you a compassion cake every day? Get over yourself. Well, now daughter and I are home and hubby is consoling poor pitiful MIL saving her from the evil words of his wife. I know I sound bitter and angry and hurt and realty don't even need to get feedback just needed to vent.
    Please excuse the awful number of errors in this message. My husband has the WiFi card and I had to write this on my not so cooperative phone.
    Last edited by TwoBrooksFarm; Feb. 24, 2013 at 06:58 AM. Reason: Added reason for astronomical amount of errors. Sorry! Also changed title to be the real subject...



  2. #2
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    Nov. 13, 2005
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    Honestly, sometimes it is just easier to give people what they want. Although I do understand your feelings of annoyance, a few words of "compassion" would probably have avoided the entire incident. In-laws can be really challenging sometimes.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
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    Aug. 25, 2012
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    All I can do is sympathize I have one too! I think mine is legitimately a little crazy.. She has to take meds to make her not anger so easily (I'd hate to see her without them because she is already pissy in general) but she mixes it with copious amounts of booze and cigarettes so you can only imagine the mix. That with a lack of what I consider to be normal social graces she can be quite interesting to deal with sometimes!



  4. #4
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    May. 8, 2004
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    It is a shame that your MIL tried to derail your husband's big day, but it sounds like she got her way in the end by successfully baiting you into a blow up. As manipulative as it sounds, sometimes it might be easier just to give her those few words of compassion and move on than let her stew and ruin the whole day. She must have come from a very dysfunctional family if she is the only one who didn't get a birthday cake growing up. That's weird and incredibly mean. I would feel sorry for her except for the fact that she used it (and you) to ruin her son's birthday. That's really selfish, but the fact that your hub was consoling her shows that he isn't ready to throw in the towel with her, no matter how badly she behaves.
    I feel for you...you've got a tiger by the tail with that MIL. My advice would be to limit your exposure to her, and your kids' exposure, too, if there's any chance she will play those mind games with them, too. Good luck to you.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
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    Nov. 2, 2001
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    Packing my bags
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    That's what the Good Lord made wine.

    Call the ole battle axe up, apologize.
    You don't have to mean it.
    but maybe you can finish the birthday with hubby then
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
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    Nov. 1, 2001
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    Well, now daughter and I are home and hubby is consoling poor pitiful MIL saving her from the evil words of his wife.
    There's your trouble, right there.
    Your DH's got an issue and your MiL knows it. That's why she brought all this up.

    Tell your husband to pick sides and make it clear to everyone where he stands.
    See those flying monkeys? They work for me.


    10 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
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    Nov. 2, 2001
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    Quote Originally Posted by nhwr View Post
    There's your trouble, right there.
    Your DH's got an issue and your MiL knows it. That's why she brought all this up.

    Tell your husband to pick sides and make it clear to everyone where he stands.
    yeah, but you don't fix that on DH's birthday....
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
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    Mar. 19, 2010
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    297

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    Quote Originally Posted by nhwr View Post
    There's your trouble, right there.
    Your DH's got an issue and your MiL knows it. That's why she brought all this up.

    Tell your husband to pick sides and make it clear to everyone where he stands.
    THIS THIS THIS!
    Read: Toxic Inlaws, Loving strategies to protect your marriage.
    It helps a lot to know that it can be fixed one way or another. And one way is, of course, to opt out of having contact with toxic people.

    Here you go just for a laugh: my toxic MIL story, one of many. My MIL 'helps' eg one Christmas we were hosting the entire family a mere 5 days after the birth of our 5th child. They are all (10) staying with us for 3/4 days. SIL decides she needs to do some washing so MIL reminds me every few minutes that the load of washing already in the machine needs hanging out, whilst I'm in the middle of preparing Christmas lunch and feeding the baby. I suggest repeatably she might like to hang it out? She comes back a little while later saying she had taken the basket of wet washing to the clothesline but it still needed hanging out. I suggest again that maybe she hang it out? MIL in full screech rants that she said she would 'help' not do it all for me, I was just sitting around doing nothing (feeding the baby) and everyone (her) was having to do too much.
    FIL apologizes once again but not while MIL can hear.

    It's hard OP. The incidents seem like minor things when you are telling them as a story but they grate something awful when you have to live them.
    If it were my MIL in your story, she would have been gunning one way or another to cause a fight so she could have her son to herself on his birthday, so don't beat yourself up for not 'taking' it or showing 'compassion'.

    And definitely read that book!


    2 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
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    Apr. 30, 2009
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    You know, my first thought was that this woman is very troubled. Her son's birthday made her recall the saddness and rejection of her childhood and she couldn't help but do the very same thing to her son. She couldn't deprive him of a cake but she could spoil his birthday. Maybe you could have (I know, after the fact) said something like, "That must have been very sad and hurtful for you. We shouldn't ruin anyone's birthday, should we?"


    17 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
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    Aug. 2, 2004
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    You just honestly can't deal with manipulative people like that.

    I've been dealing with my MOTHER, not even an in-law, who is hugely manipulative and has been most of my life. She has some honest-to-goodness mental issues that need to be addressed, and some serious substance abuse problems on top of it. She can't not manipulate, and now that I've figured it out... I don't let her. But she still tries.

    Look up some Web sites or gets some books on narcissm, and also borderline personality. Your MIL sounds like she might fit the bill, especially since DH is so obviously attached to her. I say MIGHT. I am not a doctor . But with both of those, if the attention isn't on them (ie someone else's b-day), they will do everything in their power to MAKE it about them. And whatever emotion they are feeling is the only thing that exists, they BECOME that feeling. It's hard to explain...

    That's all I got for ya.
    Aisha, my heart from 03/06/1986 to 08/22/2008.

    COTH's official mini-donk enabler.
    Odie, aka the Evil Burrito, is on Facebook.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
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    Dec. 31, 2000
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    Quote Originally Posted by MrWinston View Post
    You know, my first thought was that this woman is very troubled. Her son's birthday made her recall the saddness and rejection of her childhood and she couldn't help but do the very same thing to her son. She couldn't deprive him of a cake but she could spoil his birthday. Maybe you could have (I know, after the fact) said something like, "That must have been very sad and hurtful for you. We shouldn't ruin anyone's birthday, should we?"
    This^^^.
    I probably would have just exclaimed, "That's horrible!" and then moved on.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Feb. 28, 2006
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    The rocky part of KY
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    Yes, there's always that point where you just want to stick a fork in their eye and tell them "you're done!".

    I'd agree that you got baited into looking like the meany. At one point while we were packing up MIL to move I made the effort to go over on a day I'd had to work, thinking that MIL and I could go through the personal items/collectibles/junk that we had stored upstairs and make sure she knew where her Important Stuff was, get it identified etc.. Well, she didn't want to do that at all, she wanted to bitch about my SIL who was ingrateful and self centered and blah blah blah.
    I was too tired to expend the energy to listen to this crap and redirect, I went straight to "could we change the subject and talk about the move" Never do that. I got to hear all about how she didn't like me, either.
    Now, I'll tell you how evil that woman is. She knew that DH was out of the room and whe he came back she changed the subject faster than you could say nasty. He left again, she started up again, and he turned on his heel because he'd forgotten something and walked right into it. I excused myself out to the car claiming I needed a nap and he spent the bulk of the visit calmly telling his mom that he didn't care what she thought and that he didn't need to come back if she didn't want to go through with the move etc. Didn't let her get a word in edgewise, raised his voice but mostly just to talk over the top of her, I could hear a lot of it outside where I was really feeling pretty lousy. And I knew it was my expectation of the situation that made me feel that way, not so much anything she said.
    Talk about a waste of my time and really a learning lesson about family dynamics - I was treating her as if she were a client needing my services - the move, adult to adult, and she was in the manipulative mother mode, adult to child, trying to pass on a dose of guilt to SIL for "not being there when she needed her".
    We had isolated ourselves from her previous to her needing to move, and I'd managed to forget the why's of it apart from the distance. We've been back a couple of times including in the new apartment and what we do now is say we were in town for an appointment and just swing by, half an hour, oh, yes SIL, how's she doing, whoops we have to GO, so sorry.

    Those empty platitudes like "isn't that terrible" and then a fast change of subject are worth learning, I just screwed up because I was too tired and had an agenda of my own, and you and your DH need to discuss his conflicted loyalties, and how to back out of this situation.
    If you have to create a safe sentence that signals each other the situation is spiraling out of control, do it. "Oh, gosh I'm so sorry about that! Whoops, look at the time! We have to go, love you had a great time buh bye"!
    I sincerely hope that your MIL only has the one sad experience and not a whole repertoire of grievances regarding her ill-treated youth. But be prepared.
    Courageous Weenie Eventer Wannabe
    Incredible Invisible


    2 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
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    Oct. 25, 2010
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    Thanks everyone. Hubby actually made them drop him off at the house about 20 minutes after I posted this. I didn't realize he was telling his mom how hurt he was that she was taking over his birthday and how she should apologize to me and him. They want us to all go to their counciling session tomorrow but we have company coming all day so no go. I said we would try a sit down session at some point of our convenience.
    I'm afraid she had a pretty shitty childhood and did have lots of stuff happen to her but in then same token has a lot of 'percieved' slights brought against her. She tales a completely innocent statement and reads into it to the point of frustration and will stew over it a few day so you REALLY forget ever saying it and then blows up about it. Heck in the argument last night she brought up how hurt she was at my reaction when I was overly hormonal and sensitive about my belly getting big and she happened to mention how fat I was stating to look since I had gotten pregnant. I already have a hard time holding my tongue (as is apparent by this whole thread) but prego hormones made it worse. Thank heaven's we lived through that and I've actually considered not having more kids because of the stress that was always around with her. I really should just not react and give her the few words she wants but in the moment I just can't seem to do it.

    *Still typing on the phone. Little bit woke up and wanted a change and food so she's nursing and falling back asleep and I'm tapping my phones screen repeatedly. *



  14. #14
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    May. 11, 2004
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    I could go on about my MIL.. But to put it bluntly she would make the witch of the west look like the good fairy..

    After about 2yrs of this (right #1 Ds was born) Finally I looked her in the eye and said yup your right.. I am. Shut her up faster than a snow ball in Fla. Then Dh and I moved (to other states TG for the military) and never went back except for funerals.
    Friend of bar .ka



  15. #15
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    Apr. 10, 2012
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    Since you're all about honesty, here's my honest opinion (and I'm speaking as someone with a lovely MIL & a mom who is not unlike this...)

    I think you were showing a lack of compassion - both to your MIL and to your husband. Your MIL had an abusive childhood. The birth of her granddaughter obviously triggered some weird, deep feelings about that. Yes, as a grownup, she should be able to control/deal with that in some other way. But the woman is obviously fundamentally broken in some way, and she probably isn't going to change now. Why not accept that and just be a little more loving and a lot more emotionally distant when you deal with her? As an adult with a parent like this I sort of treat her like I would a misguided toddler - tantrums are ignored, good behavior is rewarded, I don't let her emotions determine anything about my day.

    Also, think of the horrible position YOU put your husband in - he already knows the woman is a crazy PITA, but it's his mother, how do you expect him to feel about all of this fuss? Could you not just play along for his sake?!

    Sorry if this comes off as harsh, I just don't get why you expect sympathy.


    13 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
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    Oct. 25, 2010
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    I think part of the problem is our personalities clash strongly. I'm a very strong self sufficient woman, I tend to internalize my feelings instead of flaunting them because I think flaunting them just makes me look either like I'm weak or trying to get attention. I will discuss issues one on one with people but I don't like getting in arguments when anyone else is around not because of some social rule but because I don't think its anyone's business. (yes I am a Scorpio for anyone who follows that) She on the other hand wants to talk about EVERYTHING she is feeling ALL. THE. TIME. She wants to analyze and dissect meaningless comments from last year to truely understand what was meant by that particular phrase in case it means we have some issue with her. I try to be okay with this for a while but part of me just wants to shake her and say 'Snap out of it'!


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  17. #17
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    Oct. 25, 2010
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    Hmm. I think in my original post I said something along the lines of this is just a vent and really don't even need feedback. The title was just because they require one on this forum and I thought mine sounded clever. I feel awful that my husband's birthday wad ruined and he and I had a long talk.about it when we got home. I agree that hindsight being what it is, I should have gone a different route, but I didn't. I do NOT have that much patience for crazy.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by TwoBrooksFarm View Post
    Hmm. I think in my original post I said something along the lines of this is just a vent and really don't even need feedback. The title was just because they require one on this forum and I thought mine sounded clever. I feel awful that my husband's birthday wad ruined and he and I had a long talk.about it when we got home. I agree that hindsight being what it is, I should have gone a different route, but I didn't. I do NOT have that much patience for crazy.
    Of course you don't want want feedback now since all of it's not positive!

    Honestly you sound self-centered and lacking in compassion, really. Was some of your MIL's behavior hard to deal with and inappropriate? Sure. But I can't imagine not saying anything after hearing such a story, either, much less blowing up about it. I have a completely batshit crazy MIL and can't look favorably on how you behaved.


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  19. #19
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    Guess we are all entitled to our own opinions.


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  20. #20
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    I agree, you do sound like you have no compassion at all for the woman. I read lots of bad MIL stories on here and they are real PITA MIL's. Yours not so much. Your husband is a grown man, and if he was uncomfortable about what your MIL was saying then it was up to him to say something, not you. For goodness sakes the poor woman sounds like she had a crappy life growing up. She kept on about it because YOU never said anything. What would it have hurt to say... something. A little that is terrible goes a long way. Sorry I know you were just venting, and maybe she just caught you on a bad day, but really why don't you call her and apologize.I read so many stories about crazy parents and in-laws, and it always brings to mind, that some day you will be old and someones senile parent or crazy mother in law, I think in light of that we could all show a lot more tolerance and compassion in all our lives.
    www.tayvalleyfarm.com
    My other home.


    8 members found this post helpful.

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